Frustration

Sometimes I think that the world is collapsing around me. No one could have it tougher than I have….what did I do in my life to deserve this? Is it ever going to get better? Why me??? 

I have been through this several times.  But then I have to make myself go on…there is no one else to help me out and get through these times, so best to have some strategy that works out.

One of my first instincts is to shut down.  I don’t want to talk to anyone.  For about a day or two I just think about the situation and feel bad or angry. I masticate on it, sleep (or not), and just try all the solutions on my own.  My next step is to talk to my good friends. I have some really good ones who I can talk to about certain problems. Different friends help out with different situations.  Most of my friends these days are from work and slowly we have become close.  I have also learned over time that my friends can help me only if I share my experiences with them – otherwise we will just be superficial friends.  So I do share with them!

Talking to my friends has always helped me. And of course we usually have friends who think like us. But luckily my friends have not been afraid to speak their minds to me and I have the comfort level to listen to their point of view.  And no matter what they say I still have to decide for myself. Although many times I have followed their advice and it has served me well. As I have always said, I am blessed to have good friends in my life.

Once I have talked to my friends then I take the necessary action to resolve my issue.  Usually by that time, I am on a path to some action or in the process of letting it go. 

There have been situations where I am my only friend. I depend on myself to make the right decision. It has been tough, but luckily I am not a hot head.  I am not impulsive. I do have anger issues but they are for sometimes really trivial things.  Usually when something really bad happens to me, I am very calm. Sadly.  My anger is quite passive aggressive – I will not talk for a while. I go into hiding. I never have shouting matches. I hate shouting.  Although I have been told that my tone is bad – but it always depends on who is listening. 

And generally somewhere between all this stuff, I think about all the people who are going through so much hardship in their life. The refugees who have had to leave their homes and now live in camps.  The veterans, who just serve their country but come back with not just physical but mental injuries. So many of them have to restart their lives.  All the women out there who don’t have even 5% of what I have. I think about the people who lived a good life but due to change in government were persecuted for their life style.

There is too much grief in this world.  Every day I have to think about all that is good in my life and move from there.

There will always be people who make will make me feel bad, little or meaningless, but they don’t control me. I am responsible for my own actions, my own character.  And eventually my own sanity. 

Acceptance - Trump - 4..5...whatever

I cannot believe the people of America can be so dumb so as to believe all the fake news.  But recently I have been reading a book that says you can train your brain to do anything. And one of that training is to believe a lie. Yeah! Weird eh!? The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we have forgiven someone for something terrible they did. The very honest truth is that no one can forgive. We learn to live with the "acceptance" that we cannot change the past - so we fool ourselves into believing that we have "forgiven" the person. This is a big lie.

That is what happened in this election.  All the people who have lost the coal jobs, the manufacturing jobs somehow believe that this man can bring them back are delusional. They want to believe....just because it gives them a sense of hope that they were not getting from the other side.  So whoever can speak to their "belief" is going to be their saviour.

The other big factor I felt was that Trump's whiteness and his golden hair (and his children's golden hair).  He is a story book character - all white and golden, rich, has his own plane, has a model for a wife etc etc....People somehow revere that more than honesty of a person. A lie told by this golden haired person was much more believable than a the truth spoken by a white woman.  I don't think white women realize that they are going to be a minority soon - especially in the work place.

So back to acceptance.  At this point, I have to accept that we will not have a sane person at the helm of USA.  We will have a rich person who only sees money and power.  The people on the way are just nuisance to be trampled on to get to his goal. Every time this man appoints a member of his cabinet there is an uproar in the press of negative things about that person.

We have to accept that things will not be normal.  This is the season of losers.  All the people who were losers in their campaigns or districts are now employable.  They were losers because of their bad policies - but now because of this one big loss for America, we will be led by the losers of all USA. All the policies will be extreme and not in the best interest of America - only in the best interest of the person in charge.  Unless the GOP wakes up and does something - which they will not, we really have nowhere to go. So best accept it - fight it if you can.....

My place in this world is so small right now. I feel powerless and hopeless to do anything. I have to wait for people in power to do the right thing.  But it is kalyug...one cannot hope for anything good.  As everyone says things will get worse before they get good.  I thought we had already been through that with Bush - but I guess there is more worse that USA has to see.

I will accept all the changes Trump is bringing.  He will not do anything good for the country, but people voted for him and he needs to do what he needs to do .....

President - 3 or 4....

This one is dedicated to Trump....

This man never laughs. He does not have any friends.  I feel like one of the reasons he ran is so he can surround himself with people. And now he is the king....he is surrounding himself with his once enemies (the people he bullied). He seems to want to say to them, "Look I won - you did not!". That is why he is calling them all one by one or collectively to his "towers" and making them kiss his feet.

Now he will have friends!!

This man does not have friends. One does not have to read about him to know that fact. Children are dear - that is one thing - but the way he hangs on to his is like his lifeline. 

One of my biggest problem with him is that he has never had to work a day in his life.  He had everything given to him by his father. Every time he needed money all he had to do was ask his Dad! The same goes for his children. They have been raised with not a silver but gold spoon in their mouth. And now these people will be running the USA! Wow!

All Trump wants is a way to get even richer. That is why he admires Putin. He was endorsed only by one billionaire, Thiel.  All the others know he is a fake. He wants to use his presidential stamp and USA's money and strength to make himself richer. He already has his name licensed everywhere - so as he is conducting government work (which god knows if he will do) - he will promote his business. His children are always sitting in on all the meetings - why? This is such a mess.

And worst of all - this man does not read .... at all. His attention span is only 140 characters! So he can only do is twitter. What an intellectual we have as a president. It is so embarrassing.

Most of his supporters hated Hillary so much that they don't realize that they have just given the con man the treasury. He is now appointing all people to dismantle everything possible including freedom of speech which he is doing himself.  I don't know how America can tolerate this. This is not why I came to America.

I hope some of these wonderful leaders of ours (Obama, Warren, Sanders etc) will come forward and put and end to this hostile takeover by Trump.

Dear Zindagi - 3

The purpose of writing all these posts is not to blame anyone or feel pity for myself. I have to understand where I come from, what I need and what I stand for. At the end of the day, I should be able to look in the mirror and feel good about myself - that I did not hurt anyone, I did not betray anyone's trust, I was there for them.....

The movie, Dear Zindagi, was not deep, and it does not have to be. The key thing for me was that it discussed something that we don't ever talk about.  There were some takeaways for me:

1. Parents are only humans. We put them on high pedestal but they are just human beings trying to live their lives as best as they know how to. As children of our parents, our whole being is a result of treatment from our parents. As children we believe they cannot be wrong - they are the ones who teach us everything - how can they be wrong? But time and time again that has been proven wrong. Parents are as human as anyone else. 
2. Why do we punish ourselves? Why do we believe there is some great prize waiting for us if we go through a lot of pain? We push ourselves to take great risks to our mental and physical life to live our life just because it will make us better, stronger and earn respect. WHY? Why don't we take the easy way? What is the problem in that? 
3. It is important to look inward from time to time, look at our relationships and just like we try to keep our body healthy, we should learn to keep our relationships healthy. They should not get rotten or get fungus on it. They need to be kept fresh and flavorful! This closest relationship of a nuclear family is mostly taken for granted. I have written about this a lot in my blogs in various places.

People don't change their behaviour unless they want to. So I don't try to change anyone or expect anyone will change for me. I also cannot change myself too much....we always remain who we are.

We have our baseline of needs and requirements in life. If those are not met then life can be very difficult. I have many things in my life that make it comfortable, but it has not been easy.  The journey has been hard.  And being alone has been the hardest thing possible for me because I never expected I would be alone. Fighting alone, dealing with emotions alone, having no one to talk to, doing all the work alone. It all gets very tiring. And I am getting very tired. I feel like I have no patience to play games anymore. I want what I want or get out of my way.

I want to enjoy the money I am earning in traveling where I want to, doing what I want to do. Find a person who enjoys life as much as I do and live my life with him. Just relax and take a day at a time. No worries ... no fights.... no competitions....nothing....just an easy going life.  Why can't it be possible?

I don't think I was made for this world. I don't know how to live in it.

Dear Zindagi - 2

So back to “Dear Zindagi”. The first connection I felt with Alia’s character was that I also don’t have a stable romantic relationship.  I have not had much of an intimate relationship with men.  The kind of men I have encountered in my life cannot be trusted and sadly none have stood up for me.  I have thought a lot about it in the last five years as to why I got a divorce and why I don’t have a partner in life.  I always come up with only two factors: 1) No one has ever been loyal to me.  I need someone who would be faithful. If I cannot trust the person then I cannot be with them and one way or another I will let that relationship die.  2) I have yet to meet a man who can handle me. I may not feel strong internally but I externally I come off as an independent, strong woman. It is possible that men cannot handle it.

Different women require different things from their spouses or romantic relationships – money, home, children etc., while some were married young and were more open to adjusting.  But for me it has always been loyalty and personal strength (confidence). And then I wonder why is that? If I was a little more flexible in my needs I would have stayed married or found someone. And this takes me back to how I grew up being betrayed all the time by the ones close to me.

There were so many times that I just wanted to run away from everything.  And even now, when I am living alone, I still want to run away from everything and everyone.

The second thing I could relate to from the movie was the feeling of being abandoned.

First I was happy that I did not have to be with my parents when they left me in India to study, but only later on I realized how wrong that decision of theirs was. No parent sends their 16 year old daughter away to another city - forget another country.  They did not send their son anywhere. I was left in care of relatives, but they were strangers to me. At that age I had to learn how to manage so many things.

The same thing happened with my PhD I did not know even what a PhD was. No one in my family had one. Only my MS professors had PhDs and none of us asked them how they got it or why or what to do with it.  A number of friends finished their Bachelors or Masters and got married.  But not me! I was going to do PhD. I was so proud! Only later I realized that my PhD had nothing to do with anyone caring about my higher education.  My father wanted to make sure that my brother had someone taking care of him during his education in USA.

All of this for me translated into: I was no good for anything except to make sure that my father's son was taken care of. Regarding my care, my parents would always say, "Oh she can take care of herself"! Sure!! They had only two responsibilities – one to educate me and one to find a nice family for me (as all Indian parents do for their daughters).  The first happened because I was capable of doing PhD and because they did not have to pay a penny for my PhD.  And they failed in the second one.

One might say – "Why are you complaining? You have a nice job, a house and you are independent."  That is true. That I am thankful for – but there is a gaping hole in my life that will never be filled.  And yes there are many girls whose life is tougher than mine – but I can compare myself only to my peers – all of whom are successful career woman with families and a support system.  I had to fight for everything myself.

There is always this feeling of abandonment, that everyone is going to leave me eventually (and I am not speaking about death).  No matter how much I do for anyone, eventually they will leave me when I need them. And most people have. This is not a feeling I felt one time...this is a feeling that keeps reinforcing continuously with experiences - I cannot ignore it. And the good for nothing husband did the same thing....he chose to leave me instead of fighting for me.

I felt really let down when I got married.  No one tried to stop the atrocity that was my marriage.  The guy was no where equal to me any way.  And in this day and age that should not have been the case.  And my parents should have known that they did not raise a Sati-Savitri.  But I could see from that time that I was always going to be alone.  During the two years that we were looking for a potential husband, my father showed me colors that I have not seen before.  I felt completely betrayed. By the time the “would be husband” came along – I was tired of fighting and explaining. I had given up. The loss was mine, and the lesson was mine too. I gave up on any support from my family at that point.

Now I have made myself such that I try to not let things affect me. I do what I have to do, need to do and should do, so I can live without any regrets.  But even that can be trying. I have to routinely deal with the negativity of my father, the general apathy from my mother and total lack of support from my brother.  Regardless of whether I can get love or not from family, one thing I will surely get is criticism.  There is no shortage of that.

One might say I am being dramatic – sure go ahead.  It’s my life and my experience. No one is going to come and live my life for me. When the times come, I have to handle things myself.  I decided what job was good for me, where I had to move, which house I had to buy etc.  I cannot count on anyone’s objective or caring feedback to give me the emotional and mental support I need. I cannot even count on telling anyone anything without them getting all judgmental on me. So now I just keep quiet about so many things.

One might ask – have you talked to your parents about this? My answer is why? There is no need to.  Everyone knows what they are doing. My parents are educated, mature individuals who have gone through a lot in their lives also.  They know exactly what they are doing and they don’t care for the consequences. One cares for the consequences only if one has something to lose.  The one time that I did not speak to them for a few months during my divorce, they drove 11 hrs from Detroit to Kansas City to see me.  And since then I don’t make them feel like they need to do reach out to me like that.  Regardless of how they behave with me, they are still my parents and if I can make their life easier, I will.  They don't really think I have anything to complain about so they will not understand my perspective...so no need to explain anything. Just keep living.......

Because of all this nonsense in my life – loyalty is above anything else to me.  My trust has been broken so many times that it is very hard to trust anyone.  Although I have to trust people in order to get anything done, but I have noticed that people are not all that dependable anymore.  Everyone is looking out for themselves. Their own purpose should be served, that’s all that matters.  Everyone for himself!! Sadly I don’t follow that philosophy so I will always have a hard time in life.

And that is why I want to disappear.....I really do.

Dear Zindagi - 1

So I saw this movie yesterday – “Dear Zindagi”.  It was not what I was expecting. In the movie, Alia Bhatt’s character is going through some hard times with her relationships – especially with men.  And she is shown as a strong, independent girl.  But because she is single she is kicked out of her housing and so must move in with her parents in Goa. Her emotions show that she has issues with them which has really shaped her character but we don't know what issues…. yet. By chance she is sitting in a hotel where there is a presentation on mental health going on. One of the speakers is our own very Shah Rukh Khan, a psychiatrist, speaking on what a taboo it is to seek and give mental health care.  Well, Alia starts seeking Khans’s professional help and little by little the story unravels as to why she is the way she is.

It is not a deep deep movie but it still brought up a lot of emotions for me.  I could really feel Alia’s pain since I have been there.  Most girls go through some or the other negative experience in their life – it could be eve teasing while shopping, having sexual advances made by relatives, coworkers or bosses and being abused emotionally, physically or mentally.  Lucky are the girls who have not experienced any of these! Most girls go through the negative behaviour without telling anyone – that would be a sign of weakness and/or they may end up losing a little bit of independence they might have. We suffer through it – it makes us who we are as a person and most times it will translate into how we handle our relationships.   The girls who have the most positive relationships are the ones who come from a set of parents who loved her.  These girls generally don’t know how to cook….that is how I know they were loved. If they cook they learned it on their own, not from their mothers.

Most of us like to suppress bad memories and relive the good ones for happiness sake.  We go through relationship issues but we don’t stop to think why? Everyone has issues – right? So its okay – it cannot be because of some childhood or growing up pain.  We would rather blame others or circumstances but never look inwards to think about why something happens to us, even if it might be a pattern.

Some of us talk to our friends and if we are feeling the same thing then our feelings are validated. But not always, in which case we might feel superior for suffering or inferior for not being able to handle things.  And in several cases, we don’t talk about everything – some things are too private to share.

We could talk to someone else…..someone who could give us objective advice and keep our secrets a secret but…..then see a psychologist? A psychiatrist?

Mental health is a taboo – everywhere.  At least now in America people know there is a problem so there are professionals to help. I know when I was going through my divorce, my friend, happened to be a counselor, really helped me balance my emotions.  And for the last 20 years I have seen a real openness about talking and dealing with mental health issues in USA.  Women go through it a lot more than men, maybe because our brains are wired to constantly keep thinking and we are by nature more emotional (hormones?).  But men are also susceptible to it – but again that is a taboo…

Mental weakness is a general sign of weakness in a person. Everyone needs counseling: career, medical, law, spiritual – then why feel guilty about mental counseling?

Of course, I don’t know the answers – but I do know that I have been thinking of getting counselling for the past two years but have not done it.  There are things we can talk about to our friends or parents or boss to try to get feedback, but there are so many things that we are just not ready to share with anyone.  For me I feel that I cannot even talk to myself about certain things because I will start to rationalize them….or justify them. And since it is only my brain giving all the answers – I will never get another perspective.

At this time I am left thinking more about what happened in my life that makes me behave the way I do.....

The New President...Continued 2

I keep thinking a lot about what is going on in politics and instead of writing an essay I feel like just penning my thoughts as bullet points.

• I think Kellyann Conway should have a word limit or time limit for her answers.
• I think all news agencies should hire one person specifically for deciphering and
  handling Trump’s tweets.
• I think the press should stop acting bewildered every time Trump does something stupid….that is the new normality of America – get used to it.
• I think the press should just start writing the facts regarding Trump’s tweets etc. rather than having a debate about it – there is no use arguing or justifying the pig.
• I think instead of people getting angry and being abusive to other people, they should get involved and make a difference for whichever area they feel like – environment, economy, voter rights, women’s rights etc. 
• I think everyone needs to realize the importance of education.
• I think people should get to the know the difference between facts and lies. And please stop using the word "Falsehood" - can we just say "lie" for something that is not true?
• I think we should hold people accountable for their words. Words mean something - they are not just alphabet soup one vomits from their mouths. And words have consequences..... 
• I used to think Americans were sensible people, capable people and innovative - they have proven me all wrong this year! Or maybe not - they have shown me how innovative they can be!
• I will add more as I think more........

Where is my Life?

Things have not gone the way I wanted or imagined. Maybe a lot of people feel that way. But now that I have lived more than half my life, I can look back and think of what I have and what I could have had…and of course what I really wanted!

My first thought is always that I never thought I would be alone at this point in my life. I am and always will be a romantic and believe that there is a someone for everyone. But where is mine someone? All my life I have not even met anyone that I would want to be with. So what happened? Where did I miss my chance? Did I even have a chance to begin with? I will never know the answers to those questions.  I know I am still a romantic and always hope for the best.

I never thought I would be working this much! Of course not! I was supposed to be married and have someone else take care of me. I would have worked but given it up when I had children.  But none of that happened, so here I am working my behind off without any end in sight.

I never really wanted to have my own children because I believed in adoption. I also had no real desire to be a parent (have my own kids or adopted).  But according to the norms of life it was something that was going to happen …it happens to everyone – right? I took this for granted so much that I never thought it would not happen to me. I saw my friends and cousins, get educated and get married and having kids. Some were still working while some quit after kids. And that is how I thought my life would turn out to be. Well…destiny had other plans for me. For once my desire to never be a parent turned out to be granted to me.  There were some points in my life where I would really have a strong need to be a mother.  But now with years that has passed and I have no desire to be a mother anymore. 

I knew I would be working – for how long I did not know.  But what I did not anticipate was how challenging each work-place would be.  I always believe that we live life to improve ourselves to make us a better person and work towards a better life. That is how I wanted my work to be too. But it seems that I am only going downhill in life. There is no improvement in working conditions and my colleagues are getting worse to deal with.  Every place I have worked there has been that one challenging person in the department who has felt threatened by me. Why? I am such a low key person.  I like achieving goals, but I don’t take them away from anyone. I only do what other people don’t want to do, yet I have still be ostracized because of that. All of these nemesis have been women. Most of my sounding boards and supporters have been male colleagues. I was lucky to have them or I would have thought I was going crazy! This downhill work-place issue seems to be a never ending process. WHY? If destiny had decided that I was not going to have a home life why not give me a satisfying professional life?

I never thought I would be so socially isolated.  I have always had many friends. I enjoy their company and cannot imagine not socializing – even if it is for a short while. I have had all kinds of friends. Lately I am realizing that all my friends have turned into “phone” friends.  Most of my friends from other cities have become my true friends while where I live – West Palm Beach – does not have the kind of people I can socialize with.  WHY? Again – destiny!

I go through life sometimes thinking that I am living someone else’s life.  How can this be my life? There is no love, no happiness, no family, no friends, no professional satisfaction. there is nothing in my life that I thought I would have.  There is absolutely nothing in my life that gives me happiness. I just feel like an ant – just going out there, getting food and coming back.  There is not one thing that inspires me to keep going. I am just sitting on a Ferris wheel going round and round and round… and sometimes not even that – my situation has not stayed the same, it has only worsened.

I keep thinking next year will be different and my quality of life will improve.  Things do change but for me ... not for the better…..I am waiting……

The New President...continued

I am so concerned about what is going on with this "presidency" that is going to happen next year. It seems that

• Trump has done so many turn abouts on his issues that I am getting a vertigo just from keeping current with his thoughts on a topic "today".
• He selection of cabinet are such a minority group with such extreme views on everything from energy to health care to national security. All these people were not even supported by their own party but now they will get to make policies for all of America. All the dirt that had settled to the bottom is floating on the surface.
• Given his conflict of interest with his businesses he should never have been a candidate.
• He has still not released his tax returns.
• He lies all the time. Does that not bother anyone? 
• He has this weird love hate relationship with the press. And the press is just chicken! Washington Post, NY Times has had some scathing articles but nothing has come out of it. These newspapers are "read" by the educated "elite" people - the people who support Trump have no place for facts or newspapers in their life. They get their news from the fake news on Facebook and their own ingrown news sources.

I don't understand why people are not demanding more "actual" transparency from this guy. But I guess that is why he was elected - because only "he" can save this country!

And the tweeting....it drives me crazy that this man is so shallow that and he has no self control.

He is treating all this like a reality show; how many followers I have, my poll numbers are looking good, people really like me, only I know what is going on, my business will not affect my governing job (yeah right!).  All the people going in and out of Trump tower - just like a show. It's like he is setting up his own private company - which he probably is! And the press is so crazy! They are not dealing with the real issues and pressing for facts.  They are truly just "reporting" - that is what they are - reporter. They don't seem to have much to do with fact checking or holding anyone accountable, or a good follow up, even though they know that this guy accuses them all the time of lying...They are not even standing up to him.

Everyone seems to have lost their backbone....all spineless characters...and that includes the democrats.

Trump paid 25 million to settle the Trump Univ case....how much will suck out of USA during his time in the office? I feel like all women's rights will go back to the medieval ages, pollution will be rampant with the deregulations and the only people making the money will be the rich people.  He is going to leave all others behind.

The people who voted for him got scammed....just like his Trump Univ claims.  America will suffer a lot by the time these people realize they have been scammed and all of us will have to pay for their uneducated, stupid, racist mistake.

Already this country is lacking in education, and being a professor and seeing these students sometimes makes me worry even more about the future of this country.

New President - 2016

I woke up today like a number of Americans to find out that a reality star is our new president. My feelings have been intense all day trying to process this. I have been listening to NPR, reading articles online to see what the heck happened.

First and foremost I think this country could not handle a black president for 8 years. It was very hard for it and having Hillary run against a white man was just the straw that broke the camel's back. America is still quite racist and sexist.  I have felt these feelings myself even as a highly educated woman.  I can imagine what the white and black women go through all the time.

Here is a great opinion that I think is the truth..."This is Racism". I always felt this has been going on for 8 years since Obama became president.  Of course a lot of people are now coming out and saying it was the economics and there was this "forgotten" America.  Sure - but why did this America let itself be like that? Why did they not keep up with times? I have more to say on this....another blog.

The other thing that has been illuminating for me is how many uneducated Trump voters are. So now there is so called "war" between the intellectuals and non.  Again this was because the Obamas were such high class intellectuals.  All the white uneducated could never connect with the intellectual blacks. And there is more to this....again - later blog.

When Obama won - he got the Nobel Peace prize; and a Trump win - he got protests and fear. That shows what kind of candidate he is.  Trump lied and lied and lied, people heard what they wanted to hear and voted. Soon they will realize he will not do anything for them. Trump is only for Trump. His children and his loyalists will prosper. Meanwhile the whole country will be at unrest and live in fear of their lives and lifestyle.  All he wanted to do was win, like in a competition.  He never thought he would win.  

He ran against the establishment – now he has become the establishment.  And he is surrounding himself with establishment and lobbyists - the swamp that he wanted to drain!! Sure!!  And his establishment is really the scary establishment.  He will try to make the most money he can.  He does not care about the people or the environment – so they both will suffer.  For all his rhetoric and rallies ... Sorry America…..I don't believe there will be improvement in anyone's life except his inner circle.

I really feel for Mother Earth though.  She is really going to suffer under Trump. As mush as Obama loves the nature, this man is completely anti environment.  Luckily for me, I have no children to leave this beautiful earth to. When I die – I die peacefully alone. I don’t feel the responsibility that people with kids and grand kids feel. I can help them – but they really should answer to their kids as to why they let their hatred and ignorance elect a lying narcissistic president.

I feel scared for science.  Most Republicans have shown their disdain for science and facts.  Will we be able to make any progress in this area?  I feel life has come to a stop - and the things that will take hold are racism, discrimination, women's rights and basic humanity. Fear and uncertainty will rule. 

And just like all Americans think I am answering for all Indians, I will now ask all white people to own up to their fellow American's decisions. God help us!

Movie Review: Room

I just saw the movie Room (2015) yesterday.  I knew what it was about but seeing it made such a difference. I kept thinking about it all night and of course today....

The movie is about a young woman (Brie Larson - who won Oscar and many more awards for this movie) who has been kidnapped by a man and kept in a room for who knows how long. She has a 5 year old son (Jacob Trembly) so we know she has been held captive for at least 6 years.  The movie starts with her son, Jack, turning 5. They are trying to celebrate it like a normal birthday by making a cake together.  It is very sweet to see the relationship Joy has with her son. She is the only adult in her son's life. She is very protective of her son and does not let the father (her kidnapper) even near him.  It is amazing all the things she tries to teach him with such limited resources. She can cook, they watch TV, they have some books and a skylight from where to see the sky.

Jack is very sweet, intuitive and curious little boy. It was so nice to see that despite Joy's situation, she tried very hard to teach her son so many good things, which are more obvious later in the movie.

By careful planning on her part and bravery of her son, they escape the "Room". The latter part of the movie was about them adjusting back into the normal with her mother and step father.  This is a complete other relationship analysis. Joy's own father refuses to look at her son and just leaves Joy with her mother (Joan Allen).  Joan is grounded as is her second husband. Slowly they try to integrate Joy and Jack back into normal life.

Jack is so resilient - with help from a doctor he slowly he starts talking more and going out.  Joy on the other hand is judged by the media and falls into depression.  She needs help! Jack is left without her for the first time. He manages well.  The sweetest part of the movie is about his hair.  He never cut his hair in the "Room" so it is long. He does not want to cut it when he is out of the "Room" because that is where his "strong" is.  That is so sweet! But then when his Ma goes into therapy, he cuts his hair to send it to her so she can have his "strong".  So small yet such strength.

All relationships are shown so nicely. Even the step father is shown to have a great character. He does not rush anything, just like the mother (Joan).  He takes it easy and soon Jack starts talking to him on his own.

I felt that a lot of adversity and hardships can be overcome with love and support. A mother's love for her son and to protect him and to make sure he will have a normal future.  The love of a mother who suffered when her daughter was kidnapped and now is so patient and supportive of her. Beautiful movie.  I just fell in love with little Jack.

The Professor of the Millennials

I have been writing a lot about my students but I have not mentioned how I have grown in the last 20 years.

I started as a typical professor teaching in a small liberal arts university. I was prepared for my classes. I taught from text books that I thought were quality books and challenged my students.  I gave routine homework as I knew from my education that feedback is very important. I did not have any feedback on any of my work for more than 6 years and I could never tell what I had done wrong. I did not want my students to feel that way. Exam should not be the only way to evaluate. So I routinely tested them with quizzes and in class questions.

This is how it went on for 10 years.  I changed some text books. My exams were still all written out and hand graded by me. I felt good about the quality of product coming out of my classes.

Then I changed my job for another university.  This was a similar university to my previous one with one major difference. The fees was too high. The students attending this university were generally the privileged ones.  I had hardly any diversity in my class. Within one year I could see the problem. These students were ready to blame anyone for not succeeding in my course. Even a hint that they were going to get a B was not good enough for them, so they lashed out.  For the first time in my life I was forced to give multiple choice exams because my students were accusing me of unfair grading. This had never happened to me before. I had only two grade challenges in my life, even now,  after 20 yrs.  All this really bummed me out.  So I looked for another job.

I found one in a nice college that had a lot of diversity in student and faculty.  Great I thought! Well....not so fast!

It turns out there is a great difference between a Masters and PhD professor. And from what I saw in my department, the MS graduated professors did not challenge the students as much as I would. It turned out to be a popularity contest. Anyone demanding quality product would not be popular. But students also don't demand quality, they demand good grades.

The other problem I faced was the type of students I was getting: there is no quality control, there was no prerequisite and there was also not a great demand on the student to do well in the courses. It became a catch-22 for me. I was required to teach at a lower level, give easy grades and not worry about the product or the long term learning consequence for the student! This was a big eye opener for me.

I also saw that most students just did not have the time to study, they are working, taking care of family or commuting so much that they miss class. That inspired me to make power points so students would have some notes to refer to.  That was not enough....I eventually recorded my lectures, so they could understand what I was trying to teach. That as not enough because they still don't know how to solve problems....so then I started making notes of me teaching them how to solve problems (pencasts). So it seemed to me that I was working more than they were.

Do I see the results of my hard work? I don't know. The information is out there. I don't track the usage of that info because I know that students can pass my classes without all that information - they used to - 10 years ago!! Now they cannot concentrate in class, they cannot give time to study and what is bothersome, they don't even try. They just give up. Why? Who teaches them that giving up is okay? How can you keep wasting time and money in college. Be done with it and start working and do other things in life. College is not work....it is one step in the journey of life.

I have adapted a lot over the last 10 years but there are things I will never understand because I have not been through it myself so I can only sympathize with them - not empathize. I am very grateful I never had to pay for my education; my parents supported me. Getting my PhD in USA showed my how expensive education could be.  Thank god my subject was chemistry so I could get teaching assistant job otherwise I would never have been able to afford PhD.

I sympathize with my students that they have to go through such hardship in such young age. But not all are like that. The ones who have financial aid and have some support should have no excuse for not being better in their studies. But then .... it takes all kinds........

As time goes on - I know I will adapt. Sadly chemistry has not changed - it has not become easier. It still requires time and hard work.  There is no question to what hard work can do for a person. I don't have to do half the things I do for my students, but I do, so they understand that it is not just their struggle to do well, it's mine too.

Hating the Government and the Whiteness in USA

I was thinking about why some people in USA hate the US government so much.  Then I thought about how this country came into being. There were no rules, regulations or impositions. One could go wherever anyone wanted, shoot and kill whoever they thought was trespassing on their land or for whatever reason and no one would question them.  And Maybe people would fear them for it and they could easily rule that place.  That is what all the western movies are about which are so popular?

Of course what all those initial immigrants were not counting on was that there would be more immigrants.  This all then leads to having a social structure, law and order that they would have to abide by.  Slavery in the early days was a result of unchecked morals and greed.  Even slavery took a long time to be abolished because the initial government was from the same initial white immigrants. In my opinion there is no moral high ground for slavery in any era.

With the election of Obama, the first black president (and this is when he is only half black!!), nomination of Trump as a presidential candidate now the acquittal of the Oregon wildlife occupiers that “western” mentality is coming back.  One just wants to do whatever they want and government should just butt out of it.  Well…they don’t believe in government when they need to obey rules and pay taxes but they will believe in government when they want their medicare and medicaid!! How does this work??

Why is it that these “militia” was let off without any verdict whereas the Native Indians who are fighting for their natural resources, water, are being treated like criminals.  Double standards are everywhere all the time in USA. If Obama had been even 1% of what Trump is as a candidate he would have been vilified. Even Hillary, despite being white, would have been vilified! But Trump is excused all behaviour and people actually defend it. How?? It really is great to be white in America and that’s what all these white supremacy groups want….their white America back!  It’s a scary thought.

Any country that excludes because of religion will not survive.  Any country that is formed on the basis of religion or class or color will not survive. Diversity is a natural phenomenon.  Anyone who does not embrace it will become extinct.  I think humanity is getting there…..

Right now I am just blown away by the racism that is so alive in this day and age in America.

The Nature of Student - 2016

I have been thinking a lot about what is going on with the students in this day and age. I have been teaching for over 20 years and it does not use to be like this. I had students who would come to class, do the assignments, study for exams and take the grade they got.  I did have some classes where the whole class did not do well but that was predictable because of the material. They had their text books to study from, they would come to office hours or form their own study groups. 

There are so many things that have changed in the past few years that I don’t know where to begin.  I don’t know if this is a national issue or just in my college (a two year college). 

I have seen that students don’t buy text books, they cannot “afford” them.  To counter this problem I have offered students a free text book from my office – but they don’t want to take it. So it means – they don’t want to use the text book. It is possible that a number of instructors are using their power points as guidelines. They are printing and giving those so students don’t see the need for buying text books.  I don’t think these instructors realize the damage they are doing.  Students are not learning how to read and understand material on their own. They rely on the instructor now to explain everything.

Students don’t have note taking skills. Their writing speed is so slow that it slows me down.  It may come from all those power point notes they have been getting from instructors. No need to take notes – just add pointers.  But when I tell them to print out specific power points slides for class they don’t! I am at a loss!

Not taking charge of their own education.  Why do they think that they can come to the lecture for three hours per week and be able to do well on the exam? For something like chemistry or any subject for that matter, one would need to spend so much time outside the class to study.  They don’t remember anything from class so even if they ask questions I have to go over the entire topic. 

They don't think remembering any information is good for them. They are so used to looking at their phones for info that they have forgotten how to memorize.  It is also a result of a lot of instructors now giving open book exams. No pressure on students to remember anything.

Respect and attitude.  These two things are of course character and not about studying. But I feel that both these will affect a person’s learning in the long run. If one has no respect for the professor or the subject then how can you expect to learn anything. If the student thinks they are smart already….well then! And attitude! Oh God! This is big one. There is no humility in their behavior and there is no shame. Both of these qualities are required for one to realize that they have put some effort in their learning rather than blaming someone else or being okay with a "C". They have been asked to challenge everyone around them but not themselves.

I will admit that not all students are a gone case but a lot of them could be so much more if they could only push themselves a little more.

The saddest I feel is for those who know are performing poorly in a class but still don’t get help. They have so many other distractions in their life that they are not able to focus.

One last thing I would say about the American education system that bothers me a lot is “W” on a transcript. The ability of a student to withdraw from a class. Why? It’s a commitment – for only 15 weeks. Students should have to go through hoops to withdraw from a class. But here it is so easy.  I think it is more of a monetary thing than anything else. At least the college got the money – what do they care if the student withdraws? If they did, I think their graduation rates would be a lot higher.

Compromising in Education

It has been a really weird week for me. First the Trump tape came out which really struck a nerve with me, then the debate where Trump lurking behind Clinton, then I gave the exams in my two classes. Both classes pretty much bombed it even though they had 5 days to study for barely two chapters. I just wanted to go in a cave and not show my face. I felt terrible as a professor, as a woman and in general as a human being.

I thought deep and hard for two days before I had to face my students to give their exams back. What would I say? How would they feel? Could I control my temper? I did not want to give a pep talk. I feel the pep talks are over rated. Students know what they are doing - they just don't think about the consequences of their actions.

Then I kept thinking of my evaluation.  All the administration wants to see is student success from me. I am the sole person responsible. No one wants to see the quality of the students or the burdens they have while going to school.  No one asks them to be responsible for their learning.  The employers want the people they hire to be ready to work, the administrators want student success, the students want to pass the class without really studying ..... so the only person with any moral dilemma is me! I am the one holding everyone back from their goals - except the employers. They will never get a "job" ready employee because the whole system of making that employee is broken.

As I said, this last week was really hard. I had this discussion with myself on quality vs student success. And then I thought why am I being so hard on myself? If both the students and administration want the same thing then who am I to stand in the middle? These students have so much pressure outside school - work, family, time issues.  I never had to study under these circumstances. I will never understand how the richest country in the world cannot provide cheaper education.  And the parents...how can they not pay for their children? Its too much burden on a 20 year old, to go to school and pay for their own education.

So then I decided to change my style. I decided to change my exams from what "I" thought the students should know to what the "students" think they should know.  After so many years I decided to give a second chance on an exam to my students.  I know of so many instructors who don't cover all the material, so many who give open book exams...why am I busting my behind to make life hard for my students? Why should they have to suffer just because they have me as their professor? They can do better on the exams and feel better about themselves and I will feel good that they are doing good. So what if I don't cover all the chapters? So what if they don't all become as ready as a chemistry undergraduate will be...these are not chemistry majors. Most are going on for other professions, so most don't even care about chemistry as I would want them to.

Somewhere inside a small part of me will probably die. I already feel like I am cheating my students by not challenging them more. I want them to become more competitive in the world....but they don't see it this way. Ultimately the compromise is everyone's: mine - for not teaching to the level I think I should; the student's - for not challenging themselves to reach their potential; the administrator's - for making a poor product; and finally the biggest loser is America itself - for thinking it's investing so much in education but not getting the quality worker it needs.

The Professor of the Millennials

I have been writing a lot about my students but I have not mentioned how I have grown in the last 20 years.

I started as a typical professor teaching in a small liberal arts university. I was prepared for my classes. I taught from text books that I thought were quality books and challenged my students.  I gave routine homework as I knew from my education that feedback is very important. I did not have any feedback on any of my work for more than 6 years and I could never tell what I had done wrong. I did not want my students to feel that way. Exam should not be the only way to evaluate. So I routinely tested them with quizzes and in class questions.

This is how it went on for 10 years.  I changed some text books. My exams were still all written out and hand graded by me. I felt good about the quality of product coming out of my classes.

Then I changed my job for another university.  This was a similar university to my previous one with one major difference. The fees was too high. The students attending this university were generally the privileged ones.  I had hardly any diversity in my class. Within one year I could see the problem. These students were ready to blame anyone for not succeeding in my course. Even a hint that they were going to get a B was not good enough for them, so they lashed out.  For the first time in my life I was forced to give multiple choice exams because my students were accusing me of unfair grading. This had never happened to me before. I had only two grade challenges in my life, even now,  after 20 yrs.  All this really bummed me out.  So I looked for another job.

I found one in a nice college that had a lot of diversity in student and faculty.  Great I thought! Well....not so fast!

It turns out there is a great difference between a Masters and PhD professor. And from what I saw in my department, the MS graduated professors did not challenge the students as much as I would. It turned out to be a popularity contest. Anyone demanding quality product would not be popular. But students also don't demand quality, they demand good grades.

The other problem I faced was the type of students I was getting: there is no quality control, there was no prerequisite and there was also not a great demand on the student to do well in the courses. It became a catch-22 for me. I was required to teach at a lower level, give easy grades and not worry about the product or the long term learning consequence for the student! This was a big eye opener for me.

I also saw that most students just did not have the time to study, they are working, taking care of family or commuting so much that they miss class. That inspired me to make power points so students would have some notes to refer to.  That was not enough....I eventually recorded my lectures, so they could understand what I was trying to teach. That as not enough because they still don't know how to solve problems....so then I started making notes of me teaching them how to solve problems (pencasts). So it seemed to me that I was working more than they were.

Do I see the results of my hard work? I don't know. The information is out there. I don't track the usage of that info because I know that students can pass my classes without all that information - they used to - 10 years ago!! Now they cannot concentrate in class, they cannot give time to study and what is bothersome, they don't even try. They just give up. Why? Who teaches them that giving up is okay? How can you keep wasting time and money in college. Be done with it and start working and do other things in life. College is not work....it is one step in the journey of life.

I have adapted a lot over the last 10 years but there are things I will never understand because I have not been through it myself so I can only sympathize with them - not empathize. I am very grateful I never had to pay for my education; my parents supported me. Getting my PhD in USA showed my how expensive education could be.  Thank god my subject was chemistry so I could get teaching assistant job otherwise I would never have been able to afford PhD.

I sympathize with my students that they have to go through such hardship in such young age. But not all are like that. The ones who have financial aid and have some support should have no excuse for not being better in their studies. But then .... it takes all kinds........

As time goes on - I know I will adapt. Sadly chemistry has not changed - it has not become easier. It still requires time and hard work.  There is no question to what hard work can do for a person. I don't have to do half the things I do for my students, but I do, so they understand that it is not just their struggle to do well, it's mine too.

The Millennial Student

People talk about the millennials as if they are a different species. But these are the product of current parenting and economic circumstances/situation.

I am convinced that a number of millennials have been cheated by everyone around them: their family, their school and of course their country.

Why do I feel so?

Their families let them down by placing so much burden on them of their family and financially.  These young students take all the responsibility of an adult family member but not that of their education. It could be that their parents are also working hard and need help in managing the home.  The students have to thus finance their education themselves.

Their government fails them by providing them free K-12 but not taking care of the quality of that free such expensive and such a key training.

In their schools, K-12, they have not been intellectually challenged. They have been told to do busy work that makes them feel they are putting in the effort and that is all that they are graded for. They have not been forced to memorize, not been asked to think critically, they are not taught math and writing skills.  Their hard work is limited to open book work and busy work. As a result they come to college unprepared for what is required to be a good student.

I feel these students have been cheated out of a good education.  They are not trained for good study skills, the determination, the discipline or the inspired to do well intellectually.  I am not in a place to say what the K-12 education is like, all I see is their product and that product is not to par.

Of course I also teach at a primarily 2 year college which has an open enrollment policy. We probably don't get the top of the GPA pool.  Which is fine. I don't mind having a B student...What I cannot handle is that if they are getting a D that they don't seem to care about it. They don't bother to seek help from the instructors, from tutors etc even though all these services are free. They would rather repeat the course rather than studying and getting through it. It is heartbreaking to see their state. And then there are some who are getting B but will withdraw because they want an A only. There is no in between.

I just don't know how to get through these kids.  They don't come for advise and if they do they cannot understand. They have their personal home situations which I don't feel like I am the right person to talk to them about. I don't know if they are frustrated or not, but I certainly am frustrated by all this. Why? Because my administrators hold me responsible for my students passing my classes.  They don't care that their students have so many struggles at home: taking care of parents and grandparents, being the only earning member of their family, taking care of kids, not having transportation for school, and finally not enough goal setting for their future - this is of course the responsibility of the college. I can only do so much.

I have my own issues also as a professor....another blog :-)

The Latest in Education - My Opinion

I recently attended the Biennial Conference on Chemical Education in Greeley, Colorado. What an amazing group of chemistry faculty I met there! I was presenting but I always feel that my peers are doing such great work.

I attended some organic chemistry teaching presentations and some liberal learning teaching. Both had their own flavors.

Organic (and general chemistry presentations) was filled with flipping teaching technique and results. It made me realize that the current student population has changed so much that we have to completely change our method of teaching. My generation of faculty has been taught via the traditional method.  We learned new concepts in class and we went home and studied and practiced problems. It worked! Now....there seems to be other priorities for students. They cannot seem to study at home. So we, the faculty, adapt. Why? To see that education survives? Or to see that our profession survives? Why are the students no longer interested in their own learning? What is it about the culture here that is telling them that you can succeed in a class without studying? And that too in a class like chemistry!

Faculty need to show success rates in our classes.  College funding depends on graduation rates. And now also job placement. So instead of making sure that the input (students) are prepared to go to college, the pressure is more on faculty to make sure that the students pass.  Will they get a job? Who knows? Currently I work at a 2 year college so at least that is not a problem for us for in chemistry.  It is the statistic of the four year college they transfer to.

The system is becoming so convoluted. No one is the winner except the college administrators. They don't have to provide quality starting material for a good quality product. They can easily shift accountability to the faculty to make anyone into an employable "success" person.  One biggest gap that is missed is that "teaching" is not a one way process - there is also that "learning" coming from the other side.

On the flip side there are also faculty who get so entrenched in their own style of teaching that they are not willing to upgrade their teaching material or style. The world is changing, we have to change also while maintaining professionalism, quality and integrity in our teaching. There is no measure for all these qualities. And these qualities are not even respected much. Students look for what grade they are getting and administrators look for success rate numbers. Everything in the middle is "magic".

In closing I will say that I am grateful that I have some percent of dedicated students in my classes. They motivate me to be better at my job. Education is important in creating the next generation of thinkers, doers and creators. It should not be taken lightly by any party.

When to call it Quits?

Having been through some issues in life, I have learned to know my limits and be ready to call it quits when I cannot handle things anymore.  What is the right time to call quits? For me it is simple - when it seems that life is unbearable in that situation (for whatever reason). The sad thing is that it has happened to me a few times.

For me, my work is important. It is one thing that keeps me engaged in life. It's not a burden, I enjoy it.  So if I am not enjoying it anymore, then what is the point of it all? I have had to change jobs because of this. It is a big decision: to take my life I had built for so many years and move. Pack up home and office. Ending one social life and starting over is the hardest part. It is hard to call it quits, especially for me - living alone means having to do a lot on my own. And then getting to a new location, starting all over again! It takes time to know where everything is where to get everything done. As I am getting older, its getting only harder to move. 

The same thing happened with supposed to be my life partner. Some marriages are not made in heaven. They are made on earth and come with an expiration date. As much as you want to make this kind of partnership work, sometimes its just not meant to be. Again this was a tough decision. But my health told me that if I did not take care of this situation, someone will have to take care of my health for the rest of my life. That is not how I wanted to spend my life. I wanted to believe that my life was something more than a big compromise. I wanted to live for something, some hope that there is happiness for me in a relationship. I knew I would be alone in my decision to call it quits, but I was willing to bear that rather than spend my life with someone who had no interest in me. 

Friendships are also a delicate balance. A good friendship is a hard to find. This is one area I have been quite lucky. I have always had good friends everywhere I went. Some may have taken little advantage of my generous nature but for most part I have not suffered much. So far there has been only one friendship that I just had to give up on. There was nothing I could do....there was just no communication and no justification for my friend's behaviour. The sad part is that even when the friendship was revived, there was that trust issue that nagged me somewhere in the heart. As they say....once bitten twice shy.

I don't know why people test each other so much that the other person has to think about quitting. I believe there is strength in unity and love. Life is so much more fun with people in it - otherwise one might as well be a hermit. Whatever time we have to spend on this earth should be spent enjoying each other's company, supporting each other and helping everyone to get to a higher goal - to make life more comfortable and bearable.

Ultimately, for me, it comes down to trust. If I don't trust my situation, my job, my friend, my relationship - that is it for me. I quit. It is not worth it for me any more. Trust is a big issue for me. When I trust someone I give them everything and I will do anything for them; but once that trust is broken, I cannot go back. It's just not the same anymore.  

So that is when I call it quits!