Dear Zindagi - 2

So back to “Dear Zindagi”. The first connection I felt with Alia’s character was that I also don’t have a stable romantic relationship.  I have not had much of an intimate relationship with men.  The kind of men I have encountered in my life cannot be trusted and sadly none have stood up for me.  I have thought a lot about it in the last five years as to why I got a divorce and why I don’t have a partner in life.  I always come up with only two factors: 1) No one has ever been loyal to me.  I need someone who would be faithful. If I cannot trust the person then I cannot be with them and one way or another I will let that relationship die.  2) I have yet to meet a man who can handle me. I may not feel strong internally but I externally I come off as an independent, strong woman. It is possible that men cannot handle it.

Different women require different things from their spouses or romantic relationships – money, home, children etc., while some were married young and were more open to adjusting.  But for me it has always been loyalty and personal strength (confidence). And then I wonder why is that? If I was a little more flexible in my needs I would have stayed married or found someone. And this takes me back to how I grew up being betrayed all the time by the ones close to me.

There were so many times that I just wanted to run away from everything.  And even now, when I am living alone, I still want to run away from everything and everyone.

The second thing I could relate to from the movie was the feeling of being abandoned.

First I was happy that I did not have to be with my parents when they left me in India to study, but only later on I realized how wrong that decision of theirs was. No parent sends their 16 year old daughter away to another city - forget another country.  They did not send their son anywhere. I was left in care of relatives, but they were strangers to me. At that age I had to learn how to manage so many things.

The same thing happened with my PhD I did not know even what a PhD was. No one in my family had one. Only my MS professors had PhDs and none of us asked them how they got it or why or what to do with it.  A number of friends finished their Bachelors or Masters and got married.  But not me! I was going to do PhD. I was so proud! Only later I realized that my PhD had nothing to do with anyone caring about my higher education.  My father wanted to make sure that my brother had someone taking care of him during his education in USA.

All of this for me translated into: I was no good for anything except to make sure that my father's son was taken care of. Regarding my care, my parents would always say, "Oh she can take care of herself"! Sure!! They had only two responsibilities – one to educate me and one to find a nice family for me (as all Indian parents do for their daughters).  The first happened because I was capable of doing PhD and because they did not have to pay a penny for my PhD.  And they failed in the second one.

One might say – "Why are you complaining? You have a nice job, a house and you are independent."  That is true. That I am thankful for – but there is a gaping hole in my life that will never be filled.  And yes there are many girls whose life is tougher than mine – but I can compare myself only to my peers – all of whom are successful career woman with families and a support system.  I had to fight for everything myself.

There is always this feeling of abandonment, that everyone is going to leave me eventually (and I am not speaking about death).  No matter how much I do for anyone, eventually they will leave me when I need them. And most people have. This is not a feeling I felt one time...this is a feeling that keeps reinforcing continuously with experiences - I cannot ignore it. And the good for nothing husband did the same thing....he chose to leave me instead of fighting for me.

I felt really let down when I got married.  No one tried to stop the atrocity that was my marriage.  The guy was no where equal to me any way.  And in this day and age that should not have been the case.  And my parents should have known that they did not raise a Sati-Savitri.  But I could see from that time that I was always going to be alone.  During the two years that we were looking for a potential husband, my father showed me colors that I have not seen before.  I felt completely betrayed. By the time the “would be husband” came along – I was tired of fighting and explaining. I had given up. The loss was mine, and the lesson was mine too. I gave up on any support from my family at that point.

Now I have made myself such that I try to not let things affect me. I do what I have to do, need to do and should do, so I can live without any regrets.  But even that can be trying. I have to routinely deal with the negativity of my father, the general apathy from my mother and total lack of support from my brother.  Regardless of whether I can get love or not from family, one thing I will surely get is criticism.  There is no shortage of that.

One might say I am being dramatic – sure go ahead.  It’s my life and my experience. No one is going to come and live my life for me. When the times come, I have to handle things myself.  I decided what job was good for me, where I had to move, which house I had to buy etc.  I cannot count on anyone’s objective or caring feedback to give me the emotional and mental support I need. I cannot even count on telling anyone anything without them getting all judgmental on me. So now I just keep quiet about so many things.

One might ask – have you talked to your parents about this? My answer is why? There is no need to.  Everyone knows what they are doing. My parents are educated, mature individuals who have gone through a lot in their lives also.  They know exactly what they are doing and they don’t care for the consequences. One cares for the consequences only if one has something to lose.  The one time that I did not speak to them for a few months during my divorce, they drove 11 hrs from Detroit to Kansas City to see me.  And since then I don’t make them feel like they need to do reach out to me like that.  Regardless of how they behave with me, they are still my parents and if I can make their life easier, I will.  They don't really think I have anything to complain about so they will not understand my perspective...so no need to explain anything. Just keep living.......

Because of all this nonsense in my life – loyalty is above anything else to me.  My trust has been broken so many times that it is very hard to trust anyone.  Although I have to trust people in order to get anything done, but I have noticed that people are not all that dependable anymore.  Everyone is looking out for themselves. Their own purpose should be served, that’s all that matters.  Everyone for himself!! Sadly I don’t follow that philosophy so I will always have a hard time in life.

And that is why I want to disappear.....I really do.

Compromising in Education

It has been a really weird week for me. First the Trump tape came out which really struck a nerve with me, then the debate where Trump lurking behind Clinton, then I gave the exams in my two classes. Both classes pretty much bombed it even though they had 5 days to study for barely two chapters. I just wanted to go in a cave and not show my face. I felt terrible as a professor, as a woman and in general as a human being.

I thought deep and hard for two days before I had to face my students to give their exams back. What would I say? How would they feel? Could I control my temper? I did not want to give a pep talk. I feel the pep talks are over rated. Students know what they are doing - they just don't think about the consequences of their actions.

Then I kept thinking of my evaluation.  All the administration wants to see is student success from me. I am the sole person responsible. No one wants to see the quality of the students or the burdens they have while going to school.  No one asks them to be responsible for their learning.  The employers want the people they hire to be ready to work, the administrators want student success, the students want to pass the class without really studying ..... so the only person with any moral dilemma is me! I am the one holding everyone back from their goals - except the employers. They will never get a "job" ready employee because the whole system of making that employee is broken.

As I said, this last week was really hard. I had this discussion with myself on quality vs student success. And then I thought why am I being so hard on myself? If both the students and administration want the same thing then who am I to stand in the middle? These students have so much pressure outside school - work, family, time issues.  I never had to study under these circumstances. I will never understand how the richest country in the world cannot provide cheaper education.  And the parents...how can they not pay for their children? Its too much burden on a 20 year old, to go to school and pay for their own education.

So then I decided to change my style. I decided to change my exams from what "I" thought the students should know to what the "students" think they should know.  After so many years I decided to give a second chance on an exam to my students.  I know of so many instructors who don't cover all the material, so many who give open book exams...why am I busting my behind to make life hard for my students? Why should they have to suffer just because they have me as their professor? They can do better on the exams and feel better about themselves and I will feel good that they are doing good. So what if I don't cover all the chapters? So what if they don't all become as ready as a chemistry undergraduate will be...these are not chemistry majors. Most are going on for other professions, so most don't even care about chemistry as I would want them to.

Somewhere inside a small part of me will probably die. I already feel like I am cheating my students by not challenging them more. I want them to become more competitive in the world....but they don't see it this way. Ultimately the compromise is everyone's: mine - for not teaching to the level I think I should; the student's - for not challenging themselves to reach their potential; the administrator's - for making a poor product; and finally the biggest loser is America itself - for thinking it's investing so much in education but not getting the quality worker it needs.