Six Weeks of Wuhan Virus

It has been a strange 6 weeks. I started hearing about the virus in February on NPR when they were reporting that Wuhan in China, was on lockdown. Travel to and from China was still going on. At that time, I did not realize how contagious the virus was. I just thought that Wuhan was on lockdown to stop the spread – like flu. It turns out this Wuhan virus has upended the whole world! 

China did not stop any flights. A number of countries flew their citizens out of Wuhan. I remember a Nigerian student saying Nigeria was not flying him home, saying that Wuhan had better way to deal with and treat the virus than Nigeria. Nigeria was probably a little smart in not getting infected citizens back into their country. But a number of other countries still had people traveling to China and back. The spread was inevitable. How much, was not anticipated.

After China, it was Italy that went in lockdown in March. By that time, the virus was in news a lot in USA, but no measures were being taken. I went out for lunch on 6 March and then 15 March with friends. Both times it felt weird to be eating out, but I was okay since there had been no cases in Florida. I was hearing about cases in Washington State. Spain was hit hard next.

I started calling and emailing my friends in key places to see how they were doing. They were okay, all at home. I knew the virus was coming here but I did not realize how much it would impact our daily life.

Once the teaching/working from home began on the 16th of March, reality sunk in that we would not have a normal life. Florida did not have anything other than social distancing recommendations. Spring breakers were still coming to Florida. But I took that week of 16th March as the last one of freedom and went shopping a bit, and did some major groceries and vitamin shopping. Some essential items were hard to find like toilet paper, bleach and sanitizers…and for some reason, eggs. Luckily I did not really need of those things. I got my alcohol from the lab and was all set.

It has now been 6 weeks of staying home. Teaching has been going on. I commend the students for transitioning into the online system and coming to classes. 

I have been trying to discipline myself in more than one way. I started going for morning walks….every morning so I could get some exercise. Our community closed the gym and pool also at this time. So morning walks is the only excercise I count on. I started eating a little more healthy. Instead of snacking on junk food, now I snack on vegetables and fruits. Intermittent fasting is becoming normal for me now. I eat only between 9 and 5. I feel if I don’t do all these things, I will become really unhealthy sitting at home all the time. 

I watch little news and all my comedy shows and movies.  People are saying they are getting bored and watching a lot of TV, and I wonder how?? I don’t have time to get bored. Between teaching and preparing for summer classes, I don’t have much time during the week. I try to keep weekends free for relaxing.

I am talking a lot more on the phone now to my extended family and a lot of friends. It has been nice. Some days go by with just being silent all days, which are not different than what I used to have before – hehe.

Going out once a week for vegetables and milk is a little strange now. We have to wear masks (as of two weeks ago) and now I always carry hand sanitizer, which I never bothered with before. It is amazing to me that people in Florida do not maintain a good distance and they don’t care about wearing masks also. Some shops have restricted enterance based on wearing masks or how many people are inside, but other than that, things seem to be normal. Yeah, we cannot eat out or go shopping, some parks are closed but its not India where there is a complete lockdown. 

I got my driveway painted (well my HOA wanted that…I did not care). I have made my office room a much more inhabitable room. I like all the pictures I put on the walls. Otherwise my home is quite set, I don’t really need much work and may God keep it that way.

Sometimes I feel like going out to eat, or ordering pizza, but I let that thought pass since I have always believed in “better safe than sorry”. I can always eat out next year. 

This experience will stay with me for my lifetime. Very unusual.

Dear Zindagi - 1

So I saw this movie yesterday – “Dear Zindagi”.  It was not what I was expecting. In the movie, Alia Bhatt’s character is going through some hard times with her relationships – especially with men.  And she is shown as a strong, independent girl.  But because she is single she is kicked out of her housing and so must move in with her parents in Goa. Her emotions show that she has issues with them which has really shaped her character but we don't know what issues…. yet. By chance she is sitting in a hotel where there is a presentation on mental health going on. One of the speakers is our own very Shah Rukh Khan, a psychiatrist, speaking on what a taboo it is to seek and give mental health care.  Well, Alia starts seeking Khans’s professional help and little by little the story unravels as to why she is the way she is.

It is not a deep deep movie but it still brought up a lot of emotions for me.  I could really feel Alia’s pain since I have been there.  Most girls go through some or the other negative experience in their life – it could be eve teasing while shopping, having sexual advances made by relatives, coworkers or bosses and being abused emotionally, physically or mentally.  Lucky are the girls who have not experienced any of these! Most girls go through the negative behaviour without telling anyone – that would be a sign of weakness and/or they may end up losing a little bit of independence they might have. We suffer through it – it makes us who we are as a person and most times it will translate into how we handle our relationships.   The girls who have the most positive relationships are the ones who come from a set of parents who loved her.  These girls generally don’t know how to cook….that is how I know they were loved. If they cook they learned it on their own, not from their mothers.

Most of us like to suppress bad memories and relive the good ones for happiness sake.  We go through relationship issues but we don’t stop to think why? Everyone has issues – right? So its okay – it cannot be because of some childhood or growing up pain.  We would rather blame others or circumstances but never look inwards to think about why something happens to us, even if it might be a pattern.

Some of us talk to our friends and if we are feeling the same thing then our feelings are validated. But not always, in which case we might feel superior for suffering or inferior for not being able to handle things.  And in several cases, we don’t talk about everything – some things are too private to share.

We could talk to someone else…..someone who could give us objective advice and keep our secrets a secret but…..then see a psychologist? A psychiatrist?

Mental health is a taboo – everywhere.  At least now in America people know there is a problem so there are professionals to help. I know when I was going through my divorce, my friend, happened to be a counselor, really helped me balance my emotions.  And for the last 20 years I have seen a real openness about talking and dealing with mental health issues in USA.  Women go through it a lot more than men, maybe because our brains are wired to constantly keep thinking and we are by nature more emotional (hormones?).  But men are also susceptible to it – but again that is a taboo…

Mental weakness is a general sign of weakness in a person. Everyone needs counseling: career, medical, law, spiritual – then why feel guilty about mental counseling?

Of course, I don’t know the answers – but I do know that I have been thinking of getting counselling for the past two years but have not done it.  There are things we can talk about to our friends or parents or boss to try to get feedback, but there are so many things that we are just not ready to share with anyone.  For me I feel that I cannot even talk to myself about certain things because I will start to rationalize them….or justify them. And since it is only my brain giving all the answers – I will never get another perspective.

At this time I am left thinking more about what happened in my life that makes me behave the way I do.....

Manipulative Behaviour

When someone, with an ulterior motive, tricks you into believing something, usually to serve their own purpose.

(http://www.preaching.org/manipulation/)

I think this one trait that I can live without. This also is one of those behaviors that I think people are born with. One would really have to train too much to take advantage of others, especially if one has a conscience.

I have met manipulative people in my life - and oh my God! I so wish I had not! They drained me emotionally, mentally and physically. I felt sick for years after meeting such people. I still have such people in my life. They are very hard to work with and talk to.  And they make me physically sick. I get stressed out just protecting myself from their manipulative claws.

Nothing that comes out of the mouths of these people is reliable or trustworthy. It is so tiring to try and figure out what is real and what is fake that after a while I just give up - nothing is real. Which means, what is the point of talking to such people? I don't know when they are speaking the truth and when they are trying to manipulate me into doing something that will benefit them.

What are the traits I have found of manipulative people:

• They are very charming and have a wonderful personality - I always think - Wow! this person is amazing!! What a personality!
• They can lie so smoothly that I cannot tell the difference between their truth and fib.
• They make me feel guilty if I don't agree with them or do as they want me to.
• They will bring moral and the "right thing to do" issue if I disagree with them (of course their own motives are not being questioned here!!)
• They will never do anything for me - they are too busy with their own agenda.

My advice to anyone in such relationship is to try to recognize it sooner than later. Although it is hard, but some things start become obvious quite soon. The problem is that most of us, myself included, think:

• people cannot be like this, 
• they would not do this to me, 
• I am different - this person cares about me (not realizing that such care is self-serving)
• I am smart enough to handle this kind of person - when the time comes I will back off, protect myself. But reality is - I got in too deep before I could get out.

So really - the closer one gets the harder one falls. It hits you one day and you realize- "Oh my God! I meant nothing to this person. All that sweet talk and behavior was just a sham!" And when I think back and analyze what happened, there was always something that such manipulative people wanted from me. They just played with my emotions and got what they wanted, without giving a second thought to how I would feel. They can easily walk away from such relationships as they did not have much invested to begin with - they always knew what they wanted and it was not me or my happiness.

I have seen my own family and friends get manipulated by another. It was so sad to see how one of them was speaking the tone and behaving exactly how the manipulator would. It was so obvious. And there was nothing I could do, just watch how one was the puppet and the other the puppet master - pulling the strings. Of course the puppet master holds the strings as long as they can. They have strength in numbers, they get a second voice to support their own distorted one. The poor puppet does not realize what is happening.

It is hard to break free of such manipulative people - but I have! There is a lot of grief involved. I had to be ready to give up that relationship for good. This takes a lot of strength, self confidence and independence.  There was definitely a sense of loss of a relationship for me; something that could have been pure and beautiful was now no more. Who knows if the manipulator misses the relationship? They are very focused on their targets that its possible they don't.

Despite my breaking free of the manipulators, they still try to hurt me with guilt or make me lose my cool by saying emotional things. And each and every time it takes a great strength for me to stand up for myself, and say to myself, "NO MORE! I will not not get manipulated by this person again."

Feelings and Emotions

I don't care.
I don't have those feelings.
I don't give a damn.
It does not bother me.

When someone says those statements it means either they are denying their emotions or they really don't give a damn, in which case they are selfish.

When people deny their emotions they are lying to others and to themselves. To deny means you are not acknowledging something.  That means you are avoiding something....What?? What are you avoiding? And why?

• Are you afraid of acknowledging the truth? 
• Do you think people will think less of you? 
• Or are you avoiding the responsibility that comes with that acknowledgment? 

People think just because they are saying "I don't care", it makes them not really care or it absolves them of responsibility for their behavior. But the truth is: because you are saying, it means you thought about it, and you then decided you did not care. It was a conscious decision.

The more you ignore your feelings the more you will not be able to handle situations. The sooner you acknowledge your true feelings about a person or situation, the sooner you will have a clearer understanding of how to deal with the person or situation.  Avoidance just postpones the inevitable and then invariably someone gets hurt.

In the deepest of your heart you always know the truth.  To acknowledge it, is the hard part. You try to hide your feelings so much that you develop this dual personality - an outer one for the world where you lie and manipulate; and an inner where you know exactly what you are doing. And if you keep up this dual personality you will not know where you exist anymore - the two will merge. You build this fake world around yourself in which everything is fine - because you don't care - right?

But the reality is - you do care. And inside it will eat you and bother you and the negative emotions - the guilt will manifest themselves in form of stress, pain and other physical ailments. Worst of all the happiness you think you have will not feel real - because you know somewhere along your life you have cheated someone or yourself of the truth.  Sure - we will all live our lives - life always goes on, but the quality of life is not there; the real happiness is not there. You are living just for living sake. And you justify your life by saying - "but this is how the world works - we sacrifice, we tolerate and we compromise."

There is something about compromise and sacrifice that makes it sound very noble - when the reality is in some cases you are doing injustice to all. It is much better to speak the truth so that life does not seem like a compromise anymore. You should want to make that sacrifice or compromise willingly and happily.  And then it will not seem like a compromise or sacrifice.  Your life will be how you want to live, where you want to be, with whomever you want to be with; you will be at peace and you will be happy. Just acknowledge it.....make it real!

And if you really "don't care", then you really are selfish. You use people to your advantage and then toss them out of your life.  Eventually that will also haunt you - when? Who knows? Maybe when you are more mature or when you have time to think about what you have done in life. And if you don't think about it and and it does not haunt you then you are in a completely different category of people (I don't want to name it).

It takes a lot more energy to build a fake world and deceive people.  It is a lot easier to be yourself. Sure we cannot be the same for everyone and you cannot tell everyone everything - but that is not what this blog is about. It is about being truthful to yourself and being truthful to your friends and loved ones who care about you.

One last point - sometimes when we don't care - it means we have given up. We are tired and just don't want to deal with the person or situation anymore. Which in itself is sad, because that giving up causes loss of relationships or no improvement of a bad situation.

I know sometimes I have built a fake world trying to convince everyone and myself that this is what is best for me - but deep down I knew the reality was something else. I have had to make some hard decisions in order to be truthful to myself, and I have no regrets about my decisions.  I think my life is a lot better than what it would have been if I had not been true to myself.