Socializing in India

One of the things about coming to India is the social aspect.  Every time I come to India, I get to meet new people, learn about their life, make friends and then part. Sometimes we keep in touch, sometimes not.  Friendship is a two-way street. 

Here in Subharti, I have been able to keep myself socially active. Much more than what I would be in USA.  I am able to make friends in USA also, but sometimes it just feels superficial. Or maybe I have a different frame of mind here.  Or maybe it’s the language that binds us.  I don’t know.  Although I have made some nice foreign friends also in India while I was in DSVV. Maybe it’s just that I am relaxed and I have more time to talk to people.

My first friend I made was the girl who recharges the phone. My BLU phone was having trouble with the internet and she, and her brother in law, spent so much time in figuring out what was wrong with it. I was really grateful because I really needed the internet to use it as a hotspot for my computer. The next day I took her some Hershey’s as a thank you. And then we became friends.  She is quite sweet, and very nice. Her husband also sits in the same shop. I felt comfortable enough to ask them to bring some stuff for me (candy!). And they did – so sweet. I routinely go and see her during my evening walks.

Then I got to know the warden of the hostel. I had gone to see the Nivedita hostel and even though I had seen the rooms, the ladies working there said I should meet the warden. I was happy to. And we talked and she showed me this room, where I am staying now in Rani Durgawati and as they say – the rest is history.  We hit it off – she had no one to socialize with and I was, of course, new.  We routinely meet to go for walks, we have been shopping together and meet regularly. It’s nice to know she is there. The only problem is that being a warden is a 24-7 job, which for me sometimes is not suitable because I am free after 4 pm and on Sundays, whereas she is not. But still – a friend.

When I moved into the hostel, the first day, I met another young lady. She is going to college here to finish her MPhil in Education. She works part time at the hostel. very nice young woman – has the best smile and temperament I have seen in a long time. She is always in a good mood. I see her every day and we talk a bit and some days we have had a longer discussion on things. She has a very promising future.

And then there are my colleagues. One of them and I get along really well – we go for tea together. The only issue I have felt with her is that it is hard for me to get a word in the conversation and she speaks too fast! I have to be totally alert to talk to her.  The rest of the two women faculty are quite friendly with each other and one of them especially stays away from me. Don’t know why. Although she will reply my questions, but does not initiate conversation. That’s okay – I don’t mind it, but it just seems odd that she sticks with just this one faculty the whole time.

I, of course, had no idea when and who I would meet….for me whatever happens is good. After my first experience in India at Shantikunj, I have become more patient and have a good humor about everything that happens in India. The best part is that everything temporary, nothing is permanent. Even life is not permanent. What is the point of living and not enjoying all aspects of it? Even at the absurdity of life! What is the point of getting angry? Happiness is the key to life. And after living alone I have learned to find happiness within myself. There is no one else! I also don’t want to intrude into people’s lives, nor do I want their mess in my life.

I am grateful for anyone comes into my life without their personal dramas.  I cherish every new friendship and hope it lasts….

Frustration

Sometimes I think that the world is collapsing around me. No one could have it tougher than I have….what did I do in my life to deserve this? Is it ever going to get better? Why me??? 

I have been through this several times.  But then I have to make myself go on…there is no one else to help me out and get through these times, so best to have some strategy that works out.

One of my first instincts is to shut down.  I don’t want to talk to anyone.  For about a day or two I just think about the situation and feel bad or angry. I masticate on it, sleep (or not), and just try all the solutions on my own.  My next step is to talk to my good friends. I have some really good ones who I can talk to about certain problems. Different friends help out with different situations.  Most of my friends these days are from work and slowly we have become close.  I have also learned over time that my friends can help me only if I share my experiences with them – otherwise we will just be superficial friends.  So I do share with them!

Talking to my friends has always helped me. And of course we usually have friends who think like us. But luckily my friends have not been afraid to speak their minds to me and I have the comfort level to listen to their point of view.  And no matter what they say I still have to decide for myself. Although many times I have followed their advice and it has served me well. As I have always said, I am blessed to have good friends in my life.

Once I have talked to my friends then I take the necessary action to resolve my issue.  Usually by that time, I am on a path to some action or in the process of letting it go. 

There have been situations where I am my only friend. I depend on myself to make the right decision. It has been tough, but luckily I am not a hot head.  I am not impulsive. I do have anger issues but they are for sometimes really trivial things.  Usually when something really bad happens to me, I am very calm. Sadly.  My anger is quite passive aggressive – I will not talk for a while. I go into hiding. I never have shouting matches. I hate shouting.  Although I have been told that my tone is bad – but it always depends on who is listening. 

And generally somewhere between all this stuff, I think about all the people who are going through so much hardship in their life. The refugees who have had to leave their homes and now live in camps.  The veterans, who just serve their country but come back with not just physical but mental injuries. So many of them have to restart their lives.  All the women out there who don’t have even 5% of what I have. I think about the people who lived a good life but due to change in government were persecuted for their life style.

There is too much grief in this world.  Every day I have to think about all that is good in my life and move from there.

There will always be people who make will make me feel bad, little or meaningless, but they don’t control me. I am responsible for my own actions, my own character.  And eventually my own sanity. 

Where is my Life?

Things have not gone the way I wanted or imagined. Maybe a lot of people feel that way. But now that I have lived more than half my life, I can look back and think of what I have and what I could have had…and of course what I really wanted!

My first thought is always that I never thought I would be alone at this point in my life. I am and always will be a romantic and believe that there is a someone for everyone. But where is mine someone? All my life I have not even met anyone that I would want to be with. So what happened? Where did I miss my chance? Did I even have a chance to begin with? I will never know the answers to those questions.  I know I am still a romantic and always hope for the best.

I never thought I would be working this much! Of course not! I was supposed to be married and have someone else take care of me. I would have worked but given it up when I had children.  But none of that happened, so here I am working my behind off without any end in sight.

I never really wanted to have my own children because I believed in adoption. I also had no real desire to be a parent (have my own kids or adopted).  But according to the norms of life it was something that was going to happen …it happens to everyone – right? I took this for granted so much that I never thought it would not happen to me. I saw my friends and cousins, get educated and get married and having kids. Some were still working while some quit after kids. And that is how I thought my life would turn out to be. Well…destiny had other plans for me. For once my desire to never be a parent turned out to be granted to me.  There were some points in my life where I would really have a strong need to be a mother.  But now with years that has passed and I have no desire to be a mother anymore. 

I knew I would be working – for how long I did not know.  But what I did not anticipate was how challenging each work-place would be.  I always believe that we live life to improve ourselves to make us a better person and work towards a better life. That is how I wanted my work to be too. But it seems that I am only going downhill in life. There is no improvement in working conditions and my colleagues are getting worse to deal with.  Every place I have worked there has been that one challenging person in the department who has felt threatened by me. Why? I am such a low key person.  I like achieving goals, but I don’t take them away from anyone. I only do what other people don’t want to do, yet I have still be ostracized because of that. All of these nemesis have been women. Most of my sounding boards and supporters have been male colleagues. I was lucky to have them or I would have thought I was going crazy! This downhill work-place issue seems to be a never ending process. WHY? If destiny had decided that I was not going to have a home life why not give me a satisfying professional life?

I never thought I would be so socially isolated.  I have always had many friends. I enjoy their company and cannot imagine not socializing – even if it is for a short while. I have had all kinds of friends. Lately I am realizing that all my friends have turned into “phone” friends.  Most of my friends from other cities have become my true friends while where I live – West Palm Beach – does not have the kind of people I can socialize with.  WHY? Again – destiny!

I go through life sometimes thinking that I am living someone else’s life.  How can this be my life? There is no love, no happiness, no family, no friends, no professional satisfaction. there is nothing in my life that I thought I would have.  There is absolutely nothing in my life that gives me happiness. I just feel like an ant – just going out there, getting food and coming back.  There is not one thing that inspires me to keep going. I am just sitting on a Ferris wheel going round and round and round… and sometimes not even that – my situation has not stayed the same, it has only worsened.

I keep thinking next year will be different and my quality of life will improve.  Things do change but for me ... not for the better…..I am waiting……

When to call it Quits?

Having been through some issues in life, I have learned to know my limits and be ready to call it quits when I cannot handle things anymore.  What is the right time to call quits? For me it is simple - when it seems that life is unbearable in that situation (for whatever reason). The sad thing is that it has happened to me a few times.

For me, my work is important. It is one thing that keeps me engaged in life. It's not a burden, I enjoy it.  So if I am not enjoying it anymore, then what is the point of it all? I have had to change jobs because of this. It is a big decision: to take my life I had built for so many years and move. Pack up home and office. Ending one social life and starting over is the hardest part. It is hard to call it quits, especially for me - living alone means having to do a lot on my own. And then getting to a new location, starting all over again! It takes time to know where everything is where to get everything done. As I am getting older, its getting only harder to move. 

The same thing happened with supposed to be my life partner. Some marriages are not made in heaven. They are made on earth and come with an expiration date. As much as you want to make this kind of partnership work, sometimes its just not meant to be. Again this was a tough decision. But my health told me that if I did not take care of this situation, someone will have to take care of my health for the rest of my life. That is not how I wanted to spend my life. I wanted to believe that my life was something more than a big compromise. I wanted to live for something, some hope that there is happiness for me in a relationship. I knew I would be alone in my decision to call it quits, but I was willing to bear that rather than spend my life with someone who had no interest in me. 

Friendships are also a delicate balance. A good friendship is a hard to find. This is one area I have been quite lucky. I have always had good friends everywhere I went. Some may have taken little advantage of my generous nature but for most part I have not suffered much. So far there has been only one friendship that I just had to give up on. There was nothing I could do....there was just no communication and no justification for my friend's behaviour. The sad part is that even when the friendship was revived, there was that trust issue that nagged me somewhere in the heart. As they say....once bitten twice shy.

I don't know why people test each other so much that the other person has to think about quitting. I believe there is strength in unity and love. Life is so much more fun with people in it - otherwise one might as well be a hermit. Whatever time we have to spend on this earth should be spent enjoying each other's company, supporting each other and helping everyone to get to a higher goal - to make life more comfortable and bearable.

Ultimately, for me, it comes down to trust. If I don't trust my situation, my job, my friend, my relationship - that is it for me. I quit. It is not worth it for me any more. Trust is a big issue for me. When I trust someone I give them everything and I will do anything for them; but once that trust is broken, I cannot go back. It's just not the same anymore.  

So that is when I call it quits!

ET

After a long time I am watching the movie, ET. Such a sweet movie. And as I am watching it, I feel like I am ET myself. I feel so out of this place. I don't know what this place, Earth, is. I don't feel that I belong here. All these people around me are like aliens. They look like me, but I cannot seem to connect with them. As time is going by I feel more and more alienated from this world.

I wish I could call "home" and have "my people" take me back to my planet. I don't know where it is - but it certainly is not Earth. The people here are mean, vicious, insulting, uncaring and unloving. They are more interested in hurting each other, see other fail rather than help each other succeed. I cannot imagine myself undermining anyone, lying or trying to make someone fail in their life. I would do everything to help anyone succeed. What's wrong with these Earth people? Why can't we believe in each other, help each other......

I feel like I am just looking for my own Elliot who can help me get home. That one connection who will make life fun, worth living, enjoyable and lovable....and finally get me home.

I just want to go home.....

Long Distance Relationship

The hardest of all relationships - this long distance relationship!

Most of my relationships have been the long distance kind. I left home when I was 11 to study 8th grade in Vanasthali Vidyapeeth. It was a very tough time for me, I was only 11 years old and all the schooling was in Hindi medium when I was brought up in an English medium environment. But I had no choice. I left all my friends in Nigeria for one year and I could never get them back. Had to start all over again. At that time my only communication was with my parents - and that too through letters only.

My second and then on to more long distance relationships...came when I was sent to India again to do my BSc. and MSc. Both were challenging in their own ways. For four years I was separated from my parents and brother and some really good friends.

At that time I did not think much of it, because I just did what my parents told me to do. But when I look back and think about it, I realized that it did make me come closer to my brother. We used to fight a lot about a lot of things - it was a lot of three years of fighting!! So for me, it was a relief to go to India. During those days, letters were the common ways to communicate. And my brother wrote to me. He wrote pages and pages to me about his friends and events etc. that were going on in Nigeria. It was nice. And then when I would go back to Nigeria, we would get along just fine. I don't know if it was the distance or the fact that we were growing up that made us get along. But it turned out to be positive. It did not bring me closer to my parents....My friends...I lost them. Letters do not have the same continuity as meeting every day or every week.

After I left India and went back to Africa, I tried so hard to keep in touch with my friends in India but it was just not possible. Girls get married and they move. One has to be in the same city to keep in touch. I was too far away. So I lost a lot of friends. While I was in India, I lost my friends in Nigeria. When there is no constant communication between friends there is a gap which sometimes can bridge if you were good friends to begin with, but sometimes it just widens. For me, it widened. Letter communication is not so easy to keep up. But the constant going back and forth for me from Nigeria to India was not healthy for my friendships anywhere.

Then came USA. My generation moved a lot. The generation before had a different job ideal and market - loyalty was something. But in the 1990-2000s things changed and one became stagnant if one did not move, especially in the hi-tech field, which is where majority of my friends were. There are not that many Indian professors in small universities; and if they are - they are all women following their husband around.

So in USA it became very common for people to keep moving. It got really tiring for me, as soon as I would make a friend, I would find out they were moving. All my investment in time and emotions was wasted. People make new friends in new locations - obviously - that is the social norm. I also moved a little bit. And even that is tiring. Packing aside, I had to learn the city, overcome my shyness about making friends and become more extroverted. It is all very draining for me. And then either I would move or my friends would move. We would keep in touch for about a year and then things would fizzle out. That has been the story of my life.

I have not lived with family also. My parents live with my brother or by themselves. So essentially a lot of my relationships, even close family ones, have been long distant relationships. I have never lived with anyone after I was 23, even for even a month, to know what it is like to share a house.

These days it is becoming a little easier to maintain contact because of all the social media, but to me that all seems fake. Real relationship is when someone cares about an individual, and not just like a post on facebook. Real relationships are also hard; I will have to deal with personalities, habits and moods of people. But long distance relationships, I think are even harder.

When someone is out of sight - they are also out of mind. I don't have to worry about their daily needs or even occasional needs. I just have to pick up the phone, ask how they are doing, chit chat a bit and done! So now even that seems fake to me. People pretend (or maybe they are genuine) to care and ask all the right questions, but ultimately for me the question is, "What are you doing for me?" Anyone can talk and BS their way in any conversation. Real test of relationship is when you do something for one another.

I have seen in all these years of long distance that people talk a lot, but my needs are not met when I need them. Even when I visit my long distance relations, there is a formality. Things just don't seem genuine to me. Or maybe they do things when I am there, but as soon as I am gone, its as if I was never there at all. Maybe I am becoming more cynical or maybe there is a degradation in relationships. I don't know. As I said, I have never lived with anyone for over 20 years. Maybe that makes me a little wary of people's behaviour.

All I can say now is that these long distance relationships are also becoming hard to maintain. There is also the family aspect. Everyone is busy in their families. I am sure there could be time, but then again, I live alone, so I have time. Maybe family people have a gazillion things to do. So then I end up not talking for weeks or months to people. And that also erodes the relationship. Soon then there is nothing to talk about....it is just about How are you and I am fine. I am not looking at their face or they mine.  And then there is the multitasking in which the attention is divided. And I don't know about others, but I would to give and have complete attention when I am discussing my personal life.

There is no conclusion for this post....I am just saying that long distance relationships are tough and it takes a genuine effort to maintain it. Otherwise there can be a loss of trust and care. And once that is gone, what is remaining in a relationship? Its a farce.

To maintain a long distance relationship, one has to keep meeting to revive those bonds and put life back in them.

Actions Speak Louder than Words

I have always been a believer that you should let your actions speak for you. You can think all you want, but until you manifest them into actions - who knows what you are thinking? And who knows how long you will keep thinking? :-)

Life is short - you have to do everything in a given amount of time. The sooner you start acting on your thoughts the better. Once the time is gone then you can do or say whatever, it is not going to matter anymore. Timing of that action is as important as the action itself.  If someone needs a doctor now - whats the point of bringing the doctor tomorrow?

I know my actions will not betray me. Sometimes I have to do things under pressure or because of obligation, but most times I am doing something for someone because I want to, because I care for them or I have feelings for them. For me my words are my actions. Once I say I will do something for someone - I do it. Its a promise. Especially if I know that my action is important to them - I will not back off.  There have been very few people I have found who keep their word. Most people will back out at the last minute or say all sorts of things but have no intention of following through.

There is so much deception in the world that sometimes even actions are not all that honest. People have ulterior motive for doing things for other people.

The biggest aspect about an action is that it is visible. One can see it happening (unlike thoughts...who knows what you are thinking? and words...who knows if you are lying?) The second key thing is that a number of these actions are expected of people! I have a whole other blog on expectations - so I will not repeat it here. But simply said, even a mother expects from her children in return for all the pain she went through. So all other relationships compared to between mother and child are just fragile.

Actions are expected of the educated person. If someone is illiterate, they have a valid excuse to not know about certain behaviors (although I have seen that sometimes the most affectionate people are the poorest ones! I think all they have to give is love.) But an educated person not doing what he or she should be doing is borderline criminal.

Actions and expectations go hand in hand. As a father your expectation is to take care of your children, make sure they are well provided for and happy. As a friend your expectation is to be there for your friend.  Anyone can be there during happy times, but are you there during the tough ones? (I have written many times on friendship).

It is very hard to trust someone when they keep saying they will do something but don't; or pretend to be friends or care for you, but at the first moment of need - they are gone. The saddest part of all is that no matter if they are there for me or not, they still expect that I should be there for them. And yes - personal experience - I have been lectured about "what I should be doing regardless" or "what kind of a friend are you?" It is also hard to reason with such people because their minds are made up. They are very clear in their justifications. They will have all these grandiose expectations from others - BUT - when it comes to them - all bets are off! And suddenly I find myself standing alone.

Sometimes I don't even have to DO anything - my just being there for someone is the biggest action of all. My presence is enough for someone to know that I care for them and that I support them. A call, an email - some thoughtfulness is also an action of my presence in their life. Most people don't know how to be present for someone also.

Acting on time, doing the right thing, meeting people's expectations - these are the traits of a responsible person.

But when I routinely find myself standing by myself, then I wonder if others even recognized or acknowledged what I did for them. (I have written a blog on acknowledgement also!) All my being present, my listening, my doing things for them was all for nothing. My actions were meaningless.

I would suggest to anyone who wants to work on maintaining relationships that you act on your positive feelings, do good for people and act on time. Once that time is gone its gone....its never coming back.

Debt from friends - the most evil thing

Search for debt quotes and you will find many. Some are funny some teaching the life lessons, but never one saying that debt is of any good to anyone. Debt is not good and one should avoid it at all costs. One should learn to live within one's means as much as possible. Of course there are circumstances where one would need money or things but that debt should be taken care of as soon as possible.

I had never been in debt until I bought my house five years ago. Now I have a debt for few years...but of course I have my house also!

I have never understood how people ask for money. I have lived with very limited money for most part of my life. Until I was 16, I did not really need to have money, my parents were fulfilling all my basic needs. I did not have interests or hobbies or passions that required me to ever ask for any money. I was content with what I had - I never had any "needs".

When I was in India from 16-20 years of age, 2 years in the hostel and 2 years at home with my aunt and uncle. All my fees was paid for by my parents. I would get a limited amount of cash each month, which I would use for the cafeteria fees, or transportation, both of which sucked up all the money I had. I was always able to get all my books and study items. I would have very little left over for maybe a nail polish bottle or some junk food :-)

But during all these four years I never borrowed any money....AND I never loaned any money to anyone either (in the hostel there were a few girls who were in the bad habit of asking for money!)

Things did not get much better in Ph.D. I got a steady paycheck for four years as part of my teaching assistant-ship. I was living with my brother and had rented an apartment. My brother was also the money manager, I had no worries to pay rent or bills. We were not living in luxury, but slowly we managed to get all that we needed. I don't think we had much savings!

And then I got my first job and moved out on my own! Oh what a shock that first year was for me. I had to maintain my bank balance and pay all the bills, twice or thrice my check bounced! Damn! I ended up buying furniture that I later could not get rid of when I had to move from Buffalo. That was my learning experience - and I was 25 years old. I had to move back in with my brother. He helped me store all my things in a storage and paid for it. And I thought to myself - NEVER AGAIN!!

I got my second job in Vancouver, Canada. It was not high paying, but my frugality was at a high level. I saved money like anything! I did not have much belongings and did not care to have much either. I wanted to make sure that when I was moving back to USA, I would have enough money to start on my own.

Once I started my permanent job in Kansas City I was all set. My pay was not high, but I had vowed to myself that I would NEVER borrow money, never owe anyone anything. So I just saved saved and saved. There is no doubt that I would need help - the non financial kind - which I could only return with my love and by being a loyal friend. I have always been there for my friends.

The few months that I was in financial trouble and without a job, I realized what it was like not to have money. A feeling of helplessness sets in. But it also taught me the importance of financial management. It also taught me to live within my means. I always live within my means. Only now - after working for so many years, I feel that I am comfortable enough to help other people in need. But I still don't loan money to friends - I think money breaks friendships.

I have loaned money to family - and that is different. But loaning money to friends has been out of question - until recently. I could not refuse someone. I don't think they were my friend or even cared about me, but I cared about them, so I loaned them money. Well....as expected, things have gone south from there. It has been really tough for me. (And that is why I don't give money to anyone except family).

I don't know how people ask me for money when they don't even care about me. Actually, I don't know how people ask for money from friends - period. I never would - and I hope I never have to. I would live within my means as much as I can. But of course I can never presume what other people's lives and tribulations are that cause them to ask for money.

Debt is an evil thing. The very short time I felt I was under debt was the worst for me. Maybe people think it is normal to ask people for money - but for me it is just not a good philosophy. Banks are for asking for loans - not friends.

A debt free life is the happy life!

A Robot with a Heart

So I am sitting here watching Wall-E, one of my favorite Pixar movies, and I am thinking, there is not much difference between Wall-E and I.

Wall-E does so much work - and so do I.
Wall-E is dedicated to his mission, even if it is packing trash; so am I...to teaching.
Wall-E is curious about things - so am I.
Wall-E lets cockroaches live - and for most part - so do I.
Wall-E sees a plant and tends to it - I have the same feelings about plants.
Wall-E sees a smart and sleek robot and falls for it - I do also fall in love for smart things :-)
Wall-E follows his heart - and so do I - sadly always heart over brains :-(
Wall-E watches TV and wonders who these people are who hold hands and dance - so do I...
Wall-E is a robot - and 99% of the time I feel like one too.
Wall-E wants to make friends - so do I.
Wall-E would love company, even it is of a destructive robot - sometimes I feel that way too....
*
and most important one........
*
*
*
*
Wall-E is cute - and some might think I am too!!

One of these days my life will stop feeling like a robotic repetition of day after day. I feel like the various parts of my life and body are rusting with the repetitive days.

One of these days I will also find a planet of life.......

Blessing or Punishment

During our life we meet so many people - some more memorable than others; some stay in our lives for longer time than others. I have lived in many places and have met so many people along the way (and its not over yet!). When I was younger I did not think too much about this, but as I am getting older (and maturer!) I have opinions, experiences and memories. People can be all kinds - acquaintances, friends or even relatives.

Some people are like a breath of fresh air: I meet them and think - wow! Please stay in my life for a longer time- you are so refreshing in this grim world.  Maybe that is why they don't stay - that refreshing feeling will go away - maybe it will not - but I will never know. They never stay for more than one meeting!

Some people are helpers: they came into my life when I really needed help or I was looking for a person of that "qualification". These people come and go - sadly they have not stayed longer either. They came to help me at the perfect time. Although I think I can still call on some of them. (Like the gentleman who fixed my couch for a great price!!) :-)

Some people are blessings: they have stayed in my life as a support system. I know they are there for me. I can call on them when I need them; they are dependable and I can trust them. Their presence in my life is proof for me that I am doing something right. I must be good to them also for them to hang around my life for so long. My long term friends...thank you!!

Some people are punishments: these people have come in my life as a lesson for me. It is very late in the relationship that I realize these people will never give me any comfort or happiness. They will always test me, want from me and treat me poorly. No matter how good I am to them or how much I do for them, they will always hurt me. I can never trust them and they will never be there for me. They may be good to other people but not me, they are just.....a punishment in my life. 

I can only hope that I am blessing in people's lives and not a punishment. Although I think some people may think of me as punishment that is why they are not able to treat me as I would like to be treated or as I should be treated.

As Forrest Gump's momma said, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get." I will only hope that I have more people who are blessings in my life and that I am a punishment for no one.

Selfish People

I have not been able to write much lately. I have been preoccupied with some thoughts that are really bothering me.  I hope these thoughts are temporary and will go away with time, but right now I feel emotionally raw.  I have been lied to,  I have been used and taken for a fool.  It is a really hard feeling to deal with. I've lost my faith and my trust.

It will take some time to get over all these feelings, but until I do, I have to live with them daily....

I think this is the first time I have had to deal with such feelings. Most times I am quite a good judge of character and withdraw a lot before somebody cheats me; or I am aware of the person's nature so I know what I was getting into. But really for most part I have met good and honest people.  But this was the first time I was conned into believing that I meant something in a way that was completely not true.

So who gave me these feelings? Who treated me this way? Of course, I cannot tell who dealt me this life lesson. But this person turned out to be very selfish - I was always there for them; always listened to their problems; gave them what they asked for (and more!) without questioning them - I trusted that they were speaking the truth.  Somewhere in my heart I still believe they were. Then why would they not trust me enough to tell me the whole truth?

They always claimed to be my friend, yet they would hide things from me; not give me answers; judge me for expecting simple things from them.  It was not a few months relationship - it has been a few years. At one point people have to decide what they want in a relationship - I guess they did....their accusations, their hiding of the truth and misleading me showed me how less my feelings meant to them. If one only keeps taking from me and not give me anything in return - not even the things that are free: love, respect, care and honesty; then what is this friendship?

They always did everything for themselves and their family; they protected themselves and their family.  They never thought about my emotions and my feelings and how their behaviour was affecting me.  And now....there is nothing.

I don't even know what to think anymore; there have been too many emotions. But the sad thing is that in order to protect their situation, this friend has never considered mine.  They know I live alone, and that I am emotional and that I am getting attached to them, but they never gave a damn. It was always about them and their family only. How can one think so selfishly? And now they want to talk as if nothing in the past (good or bad) ever happened....how can that be? How can anyone be so casual about relationships?

I can only hope that I will never meet such kind of people any more. I hope I have learned whatever lesson God was trying to teach me. Everyone says that you always see in others what you are yourself - but I am not selfish; I don't play with peoples emotions and I certainly don't betray my friend's or anyone's trust.  What I am, is what people get...I have only one face.

I also wonder what kind of life such people had - how much have they been betrayed and lied to in their life? Do they have anyone in their life who they can trust or love? Why do they think this is way to live life? Or did they just behave like this with me?

Right now I am not able to talk to these people - I just don't know what to say to them. They will start talking as if nothing has happened, and I don't know if I can believe anything they say anymore. I feel like some part of my heart has been crushed. They are going on about their lives as if it was just another person who came in their life and went; as if there is something wrong with me and they are absolutely right in their thinking. But that is not what friendship is - you have to look from the other person's perspective.  On the other hand they could be feeling bad also, but how will I know unless they tell me...and how will know they are speaking the truth?

I just wish there was some balm I could use to repair parts of my heart and feelings and trust.

Anticlimax

For the first time in sooo many years I am not feeling the light headedness of the end of the semester as I used to. What happened this year? Why this feeling of emptiness?

At work I have been supremely busy. It is not just the teaching, but being the chair of the department, being on two search committees (for the same darn position), having routine study session with students, teaching two night classes, participating in college stuff, making the schedule for summer and fall....it goes on and on.  On top of that trying to make travel plans for summer. 

This year the biggest drains on me, mentally, were three people - A, B and C.  All three of them have been so entrenched in my life this year that they have made my very normal routine life an emotional one.  They could have made it easier if they were just normal but I am realizing more and more that people are not normal.  They are mostly selfish, self-centered and immature and don't realize the effect they have on the other person. 

Just trying to keep my head on straight has been tough.  I had to try much harder to stay focused, practical and emotionally stable this year.  And it has been hard - very hard. I am so exhausted that I don't even know what I want anymore.  I keep getting this feeling that I have to go to work on Monday, when I am on vacation for the next three months.  That is how preoccupied I have been.

As much as I feel supported by a lot of people around me, I also feel there are very few people I can really trust and talk to. Everyone seems to have an agenda.  They are only looking out for themselves, whereas I am looking at the big picture.  

ABC were definitely not my friends (read my blog on friends) but sadly they were not even the normal kind of people; I seriously misunderstood their intentions.  I so badly wanted it all work out. But the harder I tried the harder I fell. I want to give the benefit of doubt to people and trust them. But of course I learnt the hard way that trust is earned not given. Yet again my romance with life taught me lesson.  As a result I became this discontented kind of person who was always complaining about people and things, when really I am such an easy going person.  And of course all this came out as anger in some cases but more often it comes out in tears.  Which can be really emotionally exhausting. 

All in all this year has been anticlimactic of what I was hoping for.

I am hoping that the summer can bring closure to some things and rejuvinate my spirit.  And finally I can just hope that the next year is better than this year. 

Timing in Life

"Timing is everything in life"

I truly believe in this statement.  If you don't do things on time then you can do them as much as you want, it is not going to have the same meaning.  There is a saying in hindi "sona mitti kar diya". There are many examples I can give to make my point. Here are some...

1. Listening - when one is talking to someone, it is really important to pay attention.  If a statement requires a response and you don't respond at the right time.....well...that shows your interest in the person! If you keep ignoring them then they will get the message that you don't really care about them.
2. Visiting - when an incident happens to anyone (especially a sad event, eg a death in the family) you have to visit at the right time otherwise you might as well not visit.
3. Calling - some incidents require a quick call.  This lets the person know you are thinking of them.  And that is an important part of maintaining relationships....thinking of each other.
4. Email - this is the hardest one these days as this is now the slowest kind of communication and some people don't check emails everyday.  However, etiquette says that if someone has asked you something via email then they deserve a quick response.  Again, if not done in timely manner, you have lost your chance.

Sadly, we get lazy or we are procrastinators and keep thinking -

• oh I'll get to it;
• I will do it tomorrow;
• let this person calm down - then I will call;
• there is no rush;
• this is not important (enough to justify my few minutes of time);
• why should I call? they never called me.

All of these are just excuses for someone who does not want to communicate. These are not real reasons.  What timing also tells us is that taking action is important.  One has to act in a timely manner.  It may not be important to you but the other person may be waiting only for your response. Sometimes, rarely, you have to wait and then respond (again it depends on the nature of event).  But sometimes when you wait too long, you lose the moment. And then no matter what you do time will not come back.  This reminds of a sad/nice hindi song....

Don't let it happen to you! Take action at the right time otherwise there is the risk of losing relationships.

Of course you will do all these things only if you want to maintain relationships and care about people. If you take them for granted then they will also know that you mean nothing to them. In that case you can do whatever you want :-)

One last quote..."Lost time is never found again" - Benjamin Franklin

Friendship and Betrayal

It is the 15th of March.  It's a special day for me (in a good way).  However it is also known as the Ides of March - the day of betrayal - from Shakespere's Julius Ceaser. It was the day Julius Ceaser was betrayed by his closest friend Brutus.  All Julius Ceaser could say was "Et tu Brutus?" when Brutus stabbed Julius to death.

There are many stories of friendship and betrayal in this world (another one is Judas's betrayal of Jesus).  I am sure all of us in our lives can remember a friend who lost our trust, who told us lies, who was not there for us when we needed them or they were just not the person you thought them to be.  And then we also have friends who have stood by us - no matter what and no matter for how long.  These are very few. (If you have them - cherish them!)

Read my previous blog on Friendship.

Betrayal means a loss of trust and/or to be disloyal to someone.  There is a saying that keep your friends close but your enemies closer.  I think sometimes we are more prepared to deal with our enemies than with our friends because we spend too much time observing them and analyzing them.  So much so that we sometimes lose sight of our friends.  These friendships, if not maintained, have the potential to turn sour.

There are hardly any friendships across genders because the truth of the matter is that men and women can never be "friends" (personal experience also).  The only "friendship" (if it can be called that) is between Radha and Krishn; which is more like pure love rather than a friendship.  But still, it is a relationship without the cultural boundaries of marraige.  But apart from that one example, male-female friendships are not possible.

So, my wish for everyone today is to hold your friends closer ..... rather than your enemies. That way when it comes time to fight with an enemy you will not be alone.

So instead of the "The Day of Betrayal", lets make it a "A Day of Loyalty".

Inventory of Life - Friends

Friends are some of the most important people in our lives.  I feel sorry for anyone who has not experienced good friendship.  Life is lonely without friends.  I have been blessed with good friends wherever I have lived (and I have lived in many places!)

As we all know, we don’t have a liberty to choose our family, but we do have the liberty to choose our friends. Many times our friends are closer to us than our family. We will tell intimate details of our lives to our friends rather than our family. 

There is a popular sayings about friends: “You have friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”. 

We encounter people in our lives who sometimes help us through the darkest of our hours and then dissappear.  They were there for only one reason - to help us. I have felt so many times a sense of loss in meeting such people.  But, I think these souls are never meant to stay in our lives; it could be a debt they are repaying from a previous life or a divine person who appeared to help us.

Some friends are seasonal.  I remember during my Ph.D. days, I could not have had such a good experience without the group of my very close knit friends.  We depended on each other socially, professionally and personally.  Yet now, most of us have moved on in our lives leaving the past as pleasant memories.

My lifetime friends? Well.........there are some and I still have some life to live.

Sometimes we have a variety of friends to fulfill the different aspects of our lives; some to socialize with, some to watch movies with, some so that the kids can socialize etc. Our needs and requirements keep changing as we are growing and so people keep coming in and out of our lives. The ones that "click" - stay, the superficial ones disappear quickly.

Friendships can be so rewarding as well as challenging just like all relationships.  But if a friendship is strong, it will meet all the challenges and keep growing.  A true friend will adjust, tolerate and be there through good and bad times without asking for anything in return (although its never a good idea to have a one sided relationship - one person will get tired of giving all the time.)

Speaking for myself: I have many friends and I care about them all and will help out as much as I can; but only a few of them really care about me - and those are my true friends.  Living alone has its own challenges, so when I become friends with a person, my friendship grows on the basis of respect, dependability and trust.  As time goes on, all other pieces should fit in place.  I know I am not perfect, and I don’t expect my friends to be perfect either, but if certain qualities are not there then I know that the friendship will also be fragile.  There are qualities I will compromise with and some that I will not.

Here are the qualities I think are valuable in a friend.  These work both ways - I myself should also have these qualities to be a good friend.  (These days you don't even have to live in the same city to be good friends.)

• Dependability - Be there for for each other.  What is the point of a friend if they are not there for you?
• The ability to listen - Listen to each other so we understand each other.
• Trust - The ability to confide in each other with complete trust.  I really don’t want them to gossip about me.
• Honesty - Goes right along with trust.  Lies can destroy any kind of relationship and freindships are held together by invisible bonds. Once broken, that bond is tough to remake. 
• Non judgemental – accept each other as they are without wanting to change them in a selfish way.
• Support – Support each other emotionally and physically. In these days of increased communication there is no excuse for being an absentee friend. 
• Inspirational – Help each other grow; we should be able to learn new things from each other as the friendship develops.

It seems like there are too many qualities needed to be a good friend, but in reality if you really care for someone's friendship you will adjust and be the kind of person your friend needs. Otherwise .... well....it was never meant to be.   If you look carefully these qualities are also that of a good person :-)

There is also another popular quote “You are known by the company you keep”. 

Nothing can be more right than this. You are influenced more by friends than family (peer pressure rules!!).  If you keep good company, that is how you will become. So for your personal self-development you should want to surround yourself with people who can help you go forward in your life, rather than backward. If your friendship is leading to depression, anger or frustration then better look for another friend. These are not the habits one should develop in life.

Our life is given to us to grow into better person. You get your education to learn new things in order to make your life more disciplined, be able to support yourself in this life, and live within the community while fulfilling all your civic duties.  Your friend should inspire you to do all these things.

A very wise Indian, Chanakya said, “One should not have a fool for a friend or wife, both will ultimately lead to sorrow.”

One thing I have not mentioned above is gender in friendships. Women have very different friendships than men do. Women tend to view friendships as connecting with each other.  Talks turn into therapy sessions and women will share almost anything and everything with their good friend. Their friendships are emotional and are entirely based on trust and loyalty. Men may not share so much. They are not as communicative and tend not to share personal and intimate part of their life. They tend to shut off whereas women end up talking about stuff to get it out of their system.

One last thing about gender: men and women can never be "just friends" - that is my firm belief. There will always be that physical attraction. And if one or both are married - to other people, then the spouse might get the wrong impression even though its all innocent. There is that occasional "work wife" or "work husband" with whom one can discuss all their "work" related issues which the spouse may not understand. But I think that can get also into the danger zone - simply because men and women cannot be "just friends".

Take this quiz to see if you understand how men and women communicate differently.

In conclusion:
Friendship is a strange relationship: it has no religious boundaries, no educational restrictions, in fact friendship has no restrictions whatsoever. It is a pure relationship between two people who want and do the best for each other all the time. Each friendship is unique, so no two friendships can be alike. Each friend is also different: each different friend satisfies a different need for the one person. Friends can bring out the best in each other. True friendship is rare. So if you find a friend you connect well with – hold on to them!!