Where Does my Strength Come From? Part 2 - A Theory

Everyone draws their strength from somewhere - family, friends, spiritual leader etc.....So what makes me strong? Where do I get my strength from so I can keep my inner Energizer bunny going?

Now that my background is out there (Read This Blog First), I can look back and think of all the places that my life could have gone in the wrong direction but it did not. There are many factors that make us who we are. Some will chalk everything to "destiny". Which may be true, but then it takes away our power of analysis and self-reflection. We will not attempt to do anything, which may also be destiny, but as a human being we should feel we have some control and we should have the ability to do self analysis.

My Home Life - My Parents (years 0-16)
My first credit of strength goes to my parents. We learn our values from home. The main things are written below - I will write details later for each phase of my life (coming later). All of these have brought a center of gravity for me - put me on a path with good foundation.

• Togetherness - We were always together as a family; we traveled together, played cards together, went on walks together, studied together, always ate together. We were a close knit foursome. 
• Communication - We talked a lot as a family. All the time at home, at walks, during playing cards or watching a movie - we would be talking - making comments. For a long time we had no TV - so talking was the thing to do in our home. My parents would communicate about so many things - friends, incidences, family structure etc. 
• Written Communication - Since we were out of India our only way to communicate with relatives there was letters. So I learned how to write letters from my parents. Even now, I write letters or make sure I maintain my connections. Letter writing is a lost art these days.
• Helping Others - My father is of a very helping nature. He would help anyone, anytime and in any circumstance. I realize now that many people don't have this characteristic. And that help, for most part, did not go unappreciated. I have thus learned that if anyone is in a position to help then one should, otherwise what is the point of earning money or having "things". 
• Good Habits - My parents never talked about drugs or alcohol, but their off handed remarks were enough for me. I never even wanted to try any drugs etc. Even now I have no inclination towards any form of neurotransmitters (except caffeine - tea is a must!)
• Social Life - We had a very active social life in the 12 years we were in Nigeria. The friendships were strong and we all depended on each other. I have carried on that tradition of making good friends. Luckily, for most part, I have been a good judge of character and have not been cheated too much. And where ever I have moved I have maintained my relationships.
• Cultural Awareness - We are Hindus but we are not conservative. I grew up with an open mind and heart. Our friend circle included people of various countries, backgrounds, religions etc. I learned to mingle with everyone. Even now my friend circle is as diverse as a botanical garden.

From My School Years (until High School) (11-16 yrs)
These were some of the hardest years of my younger years. But here are the positives. I also learned some things that made me cautious and the depth of certain relationships.

• Competitiveness - since I was the youngest one in all my classes all the time, I had to work harder to get good grades. And I had a brother in the same class, so there was that sibling rivalry. This characteristic always drives me to do better in whatever I do.
• Daring nature - I don't know how, but I have always been strangely fearless. I don't care what people will think about me. It may have started at Vanasthali where I was the foreigner - the girl from Nigeria. I had to be able to do what I wanted to do, otherwise it would not get done.  And thus began my independent streak.....
• Its Okay to be Alone - that was one lesson I learned in Vanasthali.  I did not, could not make friends, no matter how hard I tried - the Indian girls were just different. So I learned to be alone at 11 years of age. And I still work on this at this stage of my life.

College Years (India) (years 16-20)
Technically from this point onward I consider myself an independent adult. I used to come home for vacations but I felt sometimes like I was a guest in my own home.

• Compromise - Living with relatives for four years taught me a lot of compromise. I really grew up fast in Meerut (B.Sc.). Hazing in college really teaches you to be humble. 
• Not Taking Things Seriously - At that time the only way I could teach myself to get through some of hard days was that, "don't worry, its going to be over in a few months!" And that is because I was a guest for most part where ever I was - at home or in the hostel or wherever. This is good and bad. The good is that I can bear anything for a while. The bad is that I have never had to live with anyone in a long term commitment.
• Trust and Friendship - I knew true friendships for the first time during my M.Sc. years. My girlfriends there were amazing. I had genuine, down to earth friends and we were all loyal to each other. 
• The Power of Connection - Both my admissions, B.Sc. and M.Sc. were through connections of my uncles. I realized the value of connection and knowing people during those years - here in USA we call it networking. 
• Hard Work - After enjoying too much in B.Sc. I realized that I had to do better in M.Sc. So I studied my behind off. And it did pay off.  

Addis Ababa, Ethiopia (year 20)
The best advice I got was from my boss in the AAU chemistry department. He told me this as I was leaving for USA to do my PhD. He said, "Sapna, you don't owe anyone any explanation for your decisions." And boy he was right!

USA Years
Ph.D. taught me even more about hard work, having good friendships, value of social circle. When I started doing my post doc work I realized that chemistry was not an easy field to get into for women. During Ph.D. I was valued as an "Indian" student, although I did not feel Indian (I also faced discrimination because of my ethnicity). During post doc I felt the discrimination of being a female in the male dominated field of chemistry.

So Really.....
I still don't know where I get my strength or if I am even strong.  All my past experiences have contributed to my being able to stand up for myself, make my own decisions and be independent. My biggest comfort comes from the fact that I don't really have to explain myself to anyone. You can accept my decision or not - its up to you because I am going to do what I have made up my mind to do. I can give my reasoning if anyone is interested - and really most people are not.

There have been some heart breaks and major negative events on the way; I had to force myself to not get depressed. I have to keep going - mostly because I have only myself to depend on. If I give up on myself then I might as well give up on life - so better shake off the bad feelings and keep moving. If I stop, then life stops for me. I think being away from home since 16 years of age has given me some ability to protect myself by being stubborn and decisive. I feel I am the one who knows myself the best so I am the only person to make decisions for myself, and I am the only person responsible for myself.

Living alone has made me do things that I would never do when I was with friends: simple things like watching a movie alone or touring places by myself, driving in the loneliest of the highways in the pre-cell phone era (and keep praying that you don't have an accident). I realized that if I don't do these things that it was going to be my own loss.  Among the hardest things I have done, is pack up my home 5 times and move to a brand new city with no idea of what I was getting into (that part of strength I get from my parents who did the same thing!!).

And...Discrimination
This will be a whole separate blog, but I still want to mention that I have felt all sorts of discrimination: as a female, as a short person, as an Indian, as a foreigner (even in my own country - India) and so on. It made me realize that people are not very accepting in general. But since I have always been a fish out of the water, I have learned to swallow bitter pills and not let them pull me down. I don't know if that made me stronger; but it definitely made me more aware and I learned to live with it.

Last Word....
Couple other pieces of advice I got when I came to USA; and I found both to be very useful for me. I follow them at much as possible.

• If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything.
• If you do something, give it your best otherwise don't do it.

Habit

I don't have to define what a habit is. We all know it is something we develop over time. There are the good habits and bad ones. And of course we also know that "old habits die hard".

People become attached to their habits and treasure them as if their habits are their identities.  Without their habits they are nothing.  When in reality those habits might be preventing them from having good relationships, achieve their goals in life or just having a good life.

We all know habits are formed by repetitive tasks. Like taking a shower in the morning or brushing teeth before going to bed. We start cultivating these habits because we think they help with our routine and are good in the long run. We get uncomfortable or feel incomplete when we are unable to do these repetitive tasks. We seem to think that we can't live without them, but in reality we will be just fine.

We have similar feelings for bad habits. We think we are being really unique by being a curmudgeon and grumpy person.  If we are not grumpy then for some reason we are not ourselves.

Just like habits we also become accustomed to the people in our lives. They also become our "habits" in life. We grow up with our parents and siblings so we know their habits, some of which we emulate and for some we do a 180, because we hated that particular habit. Slowly we develop our own personality and habits in life.

Then comes marriage - we are expected to live with a stranger who comes with their own habits and personality. But as time passes we get used to them also. We develop habits to accommodate theirs, and some may miss even those habits which they find irritating, when the person is away.  We become like that frog who is heated slowly in water and does not realize that he is being killed slowly by the rising temperatures.

Some habits are imposed by the society. These make you socially acceptable. To live in the society you have to follow certain rules; if you don't, you become a social pariah. This wonderful society is such that it will do everything to keep you submissive and under control.  It will do nothing to uplift you and make you free and independent. Only we ourselves can convince ourselves to do anything, be it good or bad.  We can live in a bad situation and tell ourselves that being in that situation is the right thing to do. We are afraid to change our habit, our norm and/or break free of culture. This is what the society wants or my family wants so this is what I will do. Everyone does it, so I will also do it.  We convince ourselves of this so much that that we then develop a habit to live in that situation.  However, if that habit is imposed on us (and its not our choice) then that situation will eat us from inside, we will deteriorate in health, happiness and quality of life.

In reality, habits can be changed, situations can be changed. And sometimes we change them without even knowing we have. We change our habits because we want to keep that job or because we want to stay married or keep our friendships and relationships. Sadly sometimes people equate changing ones habits with compromise. Why should it be considered a compromise if one is leading a happier and more satisfied life? So long no one is being taken advantage of, I think changing one's habits (compromise) is a good way to live life.

I believe that we are given life to improve ourselves, live a happy life and try to make everyone around us happy too. If we can't make people around us happy, then at least don't make them miserable. As we go about living our life, we should try to develop habits which

• free us - not limit us
• make us have a better personality - not make us unbearable
• improve us in health and wealth - not deteriorate us
• make us feel happy - not sad or angry
• improve our relationships - not isolate us

I just hope that I don't get stuck on any habit that I cannot change for all the reasons above.

So I would urge anyone who reads this to not get stuck on that habit, or person or societal norm that makes you unhappy. Have the confidence and self determination to change, learn to be happy and have a good life. Our failures are remembered only if we become successful from them, otherwise our failure is only ours to bear.

Happiness - Privilege or Right? Part II

Personal Happiness: This is what I am really getting to from my previous blog on Happiness.  How does one live a life in which you feel happy, you feel you have achieved something, you feel you have not let yourself down, and you are at peace with yourself?  As I am growing older I am realizing there is no way I can make everyone happy. So I have resolved to make just one person happy - ME! I have also realized that if I am happy I am a nicer person, I have less burden of the world on my shoulders and it is easier for me to make other people happy.
(Again - I am sure there are tons of book on happiness - but this is my blog!)

I am not always happy - obviously! But I am training myself, slowly.  And I have seen some good results from my self-training.  So....What have I done to stay happy?

Well first I must say that it has taken a long time for me to let me feel what I feel. We (including me) tend to feel what other people want or expect us to feel.  One has to have the self confidence and faith in themselves to let themselves feel what they naturally want to feel; or one will be leading a fake life.  I have had to let go of a lot of emotions, a lot of negativity and some responsibility (in a responsible way).

So these days this is what I do...

• I take care of my health - I diet and exercise to a point where I feel satisfied, not to satisfy anyone else - just me.
• I make sure that my "career" is taken care of.  My job is what is paying the bills and helping me live the life I want; so I make sure that I don't slack off there.  I do what I am supposed and more if I can - but only if I want to. I don't let the petty day to day events get me down.
• I have hobbies that help to occupy my mind so it does not wander off into the negative world.  I keep my hands and mind busy with crochet, writing or cooking. And occasionally cleaning! 
• Try to do something new at least once a month. It could be something as small as trying a new recipe, or learning a new software - variety is the spice of life. So I always keep learning.
• I don't take responsibility for other people's actions anymore. This was a hard one. I used to keep feeling that I was somehow responsible for how the other person was talking to me or behaving towards me. But in time I have come to realize - everyone has their own life to live, their own destiny, their own sense of well being.  I will not hurt anyone deliberately but I will not take responsibility if someone loses their temper for no reason at all. I will walk away from negativity.
• I don't expect other people to make me happy. It is not their responsibility. I am responsible for my own feelings. And the truth is that so many people do make me happy! 
• I surround myself with people I like, people I care about (and who also care about my well being), people I can enjoy life with, laugh with (and sometimes vent with). The more positive, creative and good people I have in my life the better I feel.  I don't feel obligated to hang out with negative people just because I "have to". I have friends because I want them in my life.  I don't want people around me who suck the life out of me. My contact with such people is minimum.
• I volunteer my time - giving back to the community always makes me feel like I belong in this world and I am making a difference even though it might be minuscule. Time is a valuable gift to give - more than money, so I always make sure I give my time to organizations whose mission I believe in. 
• I travel - what a waste of life if one has not seen the creation! Traveling opens up minds and hopefully hearts! At least for me it has. I enjoy it, I see it as a personal growth. It is culturally enriching and intellectually satisfying to learning about other countries and cultures. 
• Read read read - books take us through so many adventures. So let the imagination fly. I love reading! 

My work is still not done.  There is always this nagging feeling of - if I had just "this" more I would be happy.  When I fill in the blank with "this" then I think I will want "that", then once I have "that" it will be "something else".  The wish list will never finish.  So I have to learn to just enjoy my life and the world as it is at present with all that it has to offer me and vice verse.

Even great sages have to go off for meditation to rejuvenate and come back to spread wisdom.  So there is no harm making a little time for yourself when you see yourself sinking. (Yes, I am saying there is a great person in each of us who has something to offer to this world!)

Are you happy? Do you permit yourself to be happy? I don't know! It is up to you to figure that out for yourself. Believe in yourself, know who you are and live the life that YOU want to live not what someone else wants for you (that would be a fake life). Do all the little things that make you feel good from the inside - it could be as little as opening the door for someone. But do it. Make small changes to the positive side of the life.

If you are happy then the world will seem beautiful, everything will seem to be in harmony, problems will seem to be meaningless and you will try and make other people happy! You can make other people happy only if you are happy from the inside.  And don't be that fake happy where you are smiling outside but are sad or irritated inside.

I would say happiness is a right. No one should take that right away from you. And you should exercise your right to be happy. I know sometimes sacrifices have to made - but then make them consciously and with full acceptance so you don't regret it.  Be happy with your decision for your sacrifice and learn to enjoy it.

Be happy - inside out.

Weight Loss Challenge 4

Okay! So I did my weight challenge for about 6 months.  Sadly I did not lose any weight:

• I kept track of what I was eating
• I went for walking etc whenever I could
• I changed my diet to a high protein instead of a high carbohydrate one
• I limited my sugar intake to a minimum (that I could do)

But nothing worked. The first 2-3 weeks were the hardest on my digestive system. I ended up having mouth sores so badly that I could not even eat anything.  Once that was better then I got on track. I would have milk, salad, nuts etc all day and one meal in the evening.  The nutritionist would give me feedback as to what I should eat and what I can decrease.  Occasionally she would suggest some variety for the foods I was eating.  It did not help much as I am not such a big eater.

In any case.  My routine went on for 4 months. I had paid for 6 months.  After not losing any weight for 3 months, I contacted the nutritionist over the phone. She was not very friendly - in fact at some points she was just downright rude. That was not helpful.  When I did not lose any weight later also, then I contacted her again.  She then said that I should get some blood work done for certain key chemicals like Vit D and iron etc.  I got mad.  Why had she not done this before? Especially if she thinks this was important in weight loss. 

I did not remain quiet after this - I wrote her a long email chastising her about not doing her job properly and not advising according to my body type.  She just made a diet plan like she does for everyone and hoped that I would lose weight.  That was not the agreement.  She kept defending herself, but I was unmoved.

I went back to my beloved carbohydrates and within one week I lost 3 lbs!! So now I am convinced that one really has to see your own body type and then fix a diet.  There is no one fix for everyone. I went back to my regular diet, which really was quite rich in protein to begin with, but I added some more carbos to it. It really helped to improve my mood and made me feel better.  And the fact that I lost about 5 lbs after I stopped doing the "Weight Monitors" diet plan really put the skip in my step.

Slowly I am coming to terms with the fact that I may never lose the weight that has so lovingly attached itself to my body. So be it. I will keep doing what I do to have healthy lifestyle and not overeat on sugars.  But to hell with dieting and to hell with monitoring my food intake! I know when I am full and I know when I am overeating.

One last comment I would make regarding any dieting plan anyone undertakes to make sure that the nutritionist creates a plan just for you and not a generic plan.  The feedback should be more meaningful than "you need to include dairy product" or "you should have eaten only one cookie"  - you can see that yourself when you are writing the diary. I would not recommend the service I used to anyone as my plan was not personalized.  She did not get enough background information on me to guide me properly. Although in her favor, her feedback was immediate and she was very good in responding.  I also started including in my diet more nuts than I previously ever had. Overall my health has been fantastic.  The other major problem (second to not losing weight) was low energy level.

Someday my goal of losing the 15 lbs will happen and if it doesn't then I just hope to still be healthy and happy!

Weight Loss Challenge 3

So finally after I have decided to take some action. 

One was to enrol in a boot camp class - the Palm Beach Boot Camp. They were great! I could go for as many classes during the six weeks I was enrolled. I would go twice a week but later it turned out to be only once a week.  The boot camp was good, but I felt I was always behind even though no one was really looking, but still. The other thing was that I felt I was not energetic enough.  Although...it used to feel really good after a session but there were certain times that I felt physically sick from the hyperventilation.  The leaders were good, they did not push anyone more than their capacity, but I would feel a little embarrassed sometimes for not being up to par with their standards.  I would highly recommend this boot camp to anyone.  I learned some new moves and I will try and do them at home.

The second thing I have done is to monitor my diet. First I joined MyFitnessPal, where one can fill in all they are eating and see how many calories they have consumed.  It is quite comprehensive in the variety of foods it has. It covers a lot of Indian food and so many brand name foods.  It has helped me keep on target with how many calories I consume daily. 

But the major difference came from joining the second site: The Weight Monitor. This is an Indian web site monitored by a nutritionist from India.  She gives daily feedback on my daily intake of food.  It is something else when someone is actually monitoring what you eat.  You have to be a little bit more conscious of what and how much you are eating.  And it is better not to lie, because she is not the one wanting to lose the weight - you are!! So better to be honest and follow guidelines regarding her nutritional advice. 

So far it has been one week since I joined the Weight Monitor and I feel like I am doing well and feel lighter, my appetite has gone down, but not my energy.  It seems more like a eating lifestyle change than anything else.

So keeping my fingers crossed....hopefully I will lose about 15 lbs by the time I done with all of this....wish me luck!

Weight Loss Challenge 2

2012 summer brought on another 5 lbs of gift to my body. So now I have about 20 lbs to lose before I am my old healthy weight. 

Ever since I came back from India in 2011, I brought back some different ideas about eating. I got into juicing and sprouting.  My diet plan changed during the fall of 2011. I substituted my lunch for a salad of sprouts and veggies.  I just added a bit of salad dressing and croutons and made sure that it was not all a total of more than 200 Cal. That was my lunch from Sept 2011 - April 2012.  Dinner was my main meal. But it also never exceeded 400 Cal.  In between I would have tea and some snacks.  All of the eight months went by without losing one single pound. In fact I regained the 5 lbs I had lost in India during the summer of 2011.  OH!! What to do?

Nothing seems to be working. 

I added fresh fruit-vegetable juice to my diet. So 3-4 times a week I would drink juice instead of snacking.  No weight loss....

In February I joined an online website - Calorie Counter to keep a track of what I was eating. The website calculated that I had to consume about 1200 Cal to lose 1 lb a week. Sure I can do that. But did I lose any weight after 3 months of doing that? NOPE. Not a single pound.

In April I started getting ready for my summer travel to Kailash. So I started walking about 3 miles per day. In keeping with the same diet I had all the time, I still did not lose a single pound.

What is it about the body that it does not want to let go of that fat?? 

And then in summer 2012 I went back to India.  It was hot this time around as well.  I did not walk around as much as I did in 2011 but my diet was very different this year. I still had the good breakfast, but hardly ate any lunch or dinner.  And I still managed to gain 5 lbs.  This is getting to a point of annoying.

So now it is war!! I cannot back off now. So, I made a pact with a good friend that I had to lose the 10 lbs this year starting from September 2012.  Now that I have said it aloud to a friend, it would be embarrassing not to come through.

Weight Loss Challenge

For the past 6 years I have been trying to lose 10 lbs that I suddenly gained in two months.  I could see the pounds sticking on me but could not do anything to stop them! Why did I gain 10 lbs in two months? I don't know: maybe I was not feeling well, maybe it was my age, maybe I was stressed, maybe, maybe maybe....But whatever the reason, I have been trying to get rid of those 10 lbs ever since.  Before that 10 lb gain I was trying to lose the 5 lbs I had gained earlier on! So now it was a total of 15 lbs that I needed to lose. Darn!

It has been six years and I have not lost a single pound. Well I lost 5 but gained them back in one year.  This is an ongoing challenge I have in my life. I am so tired of carrying out these extra 15 lbs. And since this summer, I have added on 5 more! So darn it - now it 20 lbs that I need to get rid of!! The saddest part is whatever I put on just does not want to leave me!! What the heck is going on??

So here is what I have done in the past 5 years to lose the extra padding on my body.

The first try - The Gym: I have been an avid fan of the gym ever since I came to the USA. University of Toledo had a great new gym and I had lost 10 lbs of my body weight working out 4 times a week.  Oh those days were something else!! I continued going to the gym in Buffalo, Vancouver and then in Parkville.  I enjoy working out. It is very satisfying and I feel good about myself.  One hour is the typical amount of time I used to spend in the gym.

Anyway, so I joined the gym in Winchester also. It was a great gym called Anytime Fitness. I could go anytime and workout without anyone interfering in my routine. And since it was a new gym all the machines were new and there was hardly any crowd.  My teaching load was not much, so I started going 4-5 times a week.  My routine was a combined 40 mins of walking, elliptical or the stairmaster.  And then about 40 mins of weight training.  Since I used to have a personal trainer in Park University, I know how to mix and match.  After 5 months of this routine guess how much weight I lost - a big fat ZERO!! 

That was very disappointing for me.  But I had the membership so I continued to go but the enthusiams was not there.

The second try - The South Beach Diet: This is based on high protein and low carbohydrate diet.  Okay...I am a vegetarian, this would be hard for me, but I had to give it a try.  So much so I cut out all the sugar, which is the hardest thing for me to do since I had to give up my favorite thing - tea.  But I gave it up for 2 months.  I became creative in my cooking and very stingy in my eating. I developed a taste for Diet coke with lime which was my alternative to tea. As per the South Beach Diet plan, after 2 months I added little bit sugar to my diet - only in tea and in once a week dessert.  How much weight did I lose after 3 months of this routine? A big fat ZERO!!

Another big disappointment for me! But I knew there must be something going on in my body. So I got my hormones checked.

The third try - Thyroid + Gym: So it turned out I had a little, teeny tiny, hypothyroidism.  No problem. Bring on the drugs. I took some of the hormone and still went to the gym with the hope that the thyroid would help in boosting my metabolism. But no - zip - nothing.  My body was in love with the 10 lbs of fat.

It was time to move to Florida in 2009.  The first year was very stressful for me, buying a house, adjusting to the new college and new city. But I still managed to find time to go to my community gym.  As usual, I went but my fat did not. 

So comes around 2011 summer time, when I spent my two and a half month vacation in India.  It was the months of June, July and part August. It was bloody hot in India with only a fan in the room. No problem. It was my decision to go to India in the hot weather and I would bear the hotness.

I ate very simple food for lunch and dinner, but always had good breakfast. I had tea/coffee whenever I wanted. I did walk a lot during my first month of being in India and during that one month I managed to lose 5 lbs!! I was beyond happy!! Unbelievable.  This was awesome.  I never did lose the next 5 lbs. And the saddest part is that I gained those 5 lost lbs right back when I came back to USA.  So I think the stress my body went through during the first month of being the hot weather caused me to lose the weight but not sustain it.

All of this has been anticlimactic for me.  But my determination is not gone.  I am still on the path.....keep reading!

Self Determination

I am not going to even pretend that I am the first person who said that self determination is important for sucess in life. But I can surely say from personal experience that if I did not have self determination and self-confidence, I would not be where I am now.  I am not in a very high level position, rich or a famous person. But I am comfortable in my life and in my own skin.  What is my measure of sucess for myself? I have a secure job, a lovely house, good health, good friends and so much more freedom than many people. 

I have had good experiences that I will cherish and also had the bad ones which sucked the life out of me.  The saying that "sticks and stones can break me but words will never hurt me" is really quite not true.  Not only do words hurt people but the lack of words, silence, can equally hurt people.  Also the saying that "time heals everything" - ehh! not really true.  One may heal in some ways but the scars are always there.  So in our own ways we need self determination to get through life's challenges.

For self determination one needs to have faith in something.  Keeping myself centered on that faith and believing in myself made  me ready for anything.   I may not be able to control the outcome of my decision, but I can control how I react to the outcome.  It takes a lot of self control and self determination to not always "react" to incidences.  Having faith in the fact that everything happens for reason, helps a little bit, especially when bad happens.

My faith in my own abilities and judgement made me stronger and self reliant.  After I started living by myself, 20 years ago I had to grow up.  My first time living alone for one year in Buffalo taught me some tough lessons in financial management (another time, another blog).  After that whatever decisions I took, good or bad, were mine to make and I was the one to face the consequences.  I kept the frame of mind that I was the only one responsible for my actions.  That way I could not blame anyone for my decisions and took full responsibility for them.  That made me a little lonely but stronger. Of course, now I understand that my decisions are not really mine to make - someone up there is making them for me.

Making a decision, especially big ones, have not been easy.  I have to make sure my values are well grounded, I have weighed the consequences and my intentions are good.  I will not be right all the time and I may also hurt people with my actions, but those decisions hurt me too because they are the hard ones to make.  (Sometimes in those cases other people are happy you took those decsions instead of them - so they are not held responsible.)

In any case I wish that people would:

• believe in themselves,
• be true to themselves,
• be responsible for themselves,
• take actions that are morally right (for most part) and 
• not depend on other people all the time.

I have been called self-righteous and too independant, neither of which is true, well....maybe sometimes its true :-)  But I do like my independence and I do like to play fair. I am what I am - I am not pretentious. I am what we call in America - WYSIWYG.  And that comes from being honest with myself and the people around me.

This blog entry would be incomplete if I did not mention Gabbar Singh from the hit movie Sholay.  His dialogue "jo dar gaya samjho mar gaya." (He who is scared is dead), has been my motto for the past few years.  That dialogue has given me more self confidence than I can imagine.  Thank you Gabbar Singh!!

Lesson from Anhinga

Anhinga is a bird of Florida.  I had never seen it before in my life and now I see it all the time.  The stream next to my house brings plenty of wildlife around the house and most days, when the weather is nice, I just sit outside and enjoy nature.

(the stream/canal next to my house...with egrets in this picture)

Anhinga is a beautiful black bird with a beautiful long neck, so elegant.  I was sitting out one morning having my usual morning tea when I noticed a quick fluttering in the water.  In dove an anhinga into the water and its head came up in few seconds to breathe and then it dove into the water again.  It did this a few times.  After this ritual of finding food under water, the anhinga came on the grass, spread its beautiful black wings, dried itself in the sun only to get ready for its next dive.

(photo by Sapna Gupta taken at Loxahatchee Refuge)

Anhinga don’t have oil on their wings like other birds to repel water and keep dry, and that is how anhinga can swim under water unlike other birds.  Because of this it has to periodically dry its wings in the sun.  You can read about them here.  See an anhinga in underwater action in this video (I did not shoot this - I wish I could...it's so beautiful)

Looking at this cycle of getting wet and drying of anhinga, I was thinking to myself that I have a lesson to learn here.  Anhinga lives both in air and water, it needs both to survive.  Going under water makes it wet and soggy, but it comes out and dries itself in the sun and goes right back to what it has to do – get under water to eat!  Why can't I be like that?  I have a part of life that I enjoy and some parts of life that I tolerate and get through.  Sometimes I feel that a lot of people are tolerating a lot in life and enjoying very little of it...(although I do hope we always have lots to enjoy in life!).

On occasions there are incidents that get me a little depressed or frustrated.  This is where I need to learn from the anhinga: I should find my sun, dry myself off from these feelings and dive right back into life.  Then the big question is: who is my sun or what is my sun?  Is there something I can do that will make me feel better?  Who can lift me up when I am down?  Who can I trust enough to tell them how I am feeling?  Who will give me the right advice?  Who will be true to me and help me dive back into life?  Do I need someone else’s help to do get up in life?  Or maybe my sun is really inside me and I don’t need to look outside for help.

The last option is of course the best one.  We should look inward to make our own sun shine for ourselves, whatever our sun might be. This can be very hard for an extrovert (like me), but we have to balance our introvert and extrovert personalities so we can learn to shine perpetually.

What I would really like to ask the anhinga is whether it likes being under water or in the sun!!