Actions Speak Louder than Words

I have always been a believer that you should let your actions speak for you. You can think all you want, but until you manifest them into actions - who knows what you are thinking? And who knows how long you will keep thinking? :-)

Life is short - you have to do everything in a given amount of time. The sooner you start acting on your thoughts the better. Once the time is gone then you can do or say whatever, it is not going to matter anymore. Timing of that action is as important as the action itself.  If someone needs a doctor now - whats the point of bringing the doctor tomorrow?

I know my actions will not betray me. Sometimes I have to do things under pressure or because of obligation, but most times I am doing something for someone because I want to, because I care for them or I have feelings for them. For me my words are my actions. Once I say I will do something for someone - I do it. Its a promise. Especially if I know that my action is important to them - I will not back off.  There have been very few people I have found who keep their word. Most people will back out at the last minute or say all sorts of things but have no intention of following through.

There is so much deception in the world that sometimes even actions are not all that honest. People have ulterior motive for doing things for other people.

The biggest aspect about an action is that it is visible. One can see it happening (unlike thoughts...who knows what you are thinking? and words...who knows if you are lying?) The second key thing is that a number of these actions are expected of people! I have a whole other blog on expectations - so I will not repeat it here. But simply said, even a mother expects from her children in return for all the pain she went through. So all other relationships compared to between mother and child are just fragile.

Actions are expected of the educated person. If someone is illiterate, they have a valid excuse to not know about certain behaviors (although I have seen that sometimes the most affectionate people are the poorest ones! I think all they have to give is love.) But an educated person not doing what he or she should be doing is borderline criminal.

Actions and expectations go hand in hand. As a father your expectation is to take care of your children, make sure they are well provided for and happy. As a friend your expectation is to be there for your friend.  Anyone can be there during happy times, but are you there during the tough ones? (I have written many times on friendship).

It is very hard to trust someone when they keep saying they will do something but don't; or pretend to be friends or care for you, but at the first moment of need - they are gone. The saddest part of all is that no matter if they are there for me or not, they still expect that I should be there for them. And yes - personal experience - I have been lectured about "what I should be doing regardless" or "what kind of a friend are you?" It is also hard to reason with such people because their minds are made up. They are very clear in their justifications. They will have all these grandiose expectations from others - BUT - when it comes to them - all bets are off! And suddenly I find myself standing alone.

Sometimes I don't even have to DO anything - my just being there for someone is the biggest action of all. My presence is enough for someone to know that I care for them and that I support them. A call, an email - some thoughtfulness is also an action of my presence in their life. Most people don't know how to be present for someone also.

Acting on time, doing the right thing, meeting people's expectations - these are the traits of a responsible person.

But when I routinely find myself standing by myself, then I wonder if others even recognized or acknowledged what I did for them. (I have written a blog on acknowledgement also!) All my being present, my listening, my doing things for them was all for nothing. My actions were meaningless.

I would suggest to anyone who wants to work on maintaining relationships that you act on your positive feelings, do good for people and act on time. Once that time is gone its gone....its never coming back.

Ignore

I read my Papa's views on Stonewalling, and it made me think about ignoring. Both are similar concepts. Both are communication blockers. Both create the feeling in one person that his or her view or feelings are not important.

Stonewalling means: "not answering any question when asked directly or refusing to participate in a discussion."

Ignore, as the dictionary defines it, is: "refuse to take notice of or acknowledge; disregard intentionally."

Disregard intentionally?? The reasons anyone would do that to me is if they:

• don't care for me
• have no respect for me
• don't care what I think
• don't care for my feelings
• are really mad at me

- It is a very typical behavior that if you are mad at me you will ignore me (because just looking at me will make you even more mad). But I think if you are mad at me about something - then come on and lets fight it out. Just finish the cold war. Hash out the differences; one way or another, figure out what is going on. Not every fight will have a happy ending but at least we would have tried.

- If you are ignoring me just because you don't want to reply to my concern or question - then it means you don't care about me or my feelings. Or that maybe you are hiding something from me, which breeds distrust in relationships.

 - If you are ignoring just because you don't like me - then really!!??? Just grow up and be mature. Learn to handle your feelings such that you can be civil without being superficial. We are all adults and we all don't have to like each other - but we can be civil.

The one thing I have never been able to stand in my life is being ignored. If I know someone is ignoring me, I take it very personally and I make it a point to avoid that person so that I don't have to behave the same way (although in some ways they do make me behave like them....I may have to ignore them too).

In my view - no one should be ignored; no one is that trivial (not even kids!) that their sentiments be ignored; their feelings be ignored or their views be ignored. Everyone should get a chance to be acknowledged and be heard. Because in reality - everyone wants to be acknowledged. (I have written about this before) Everyone wants to feel they are valued and that their existence matters.  I don't have to agree with everything they say, but at least I can give them my attention.  Ignoring someone's emotions/feelings/views makes the other person feel all sorts of complicated emotions and then I don't know what the short/long term consequences might be. Don't forget - every action has consequences.

When I am ignored, I feel -

• worthless - like I have no value in the other person's life,
• they don't give a damn about what I feel, which means they don't care about me
• they don't respect me
• non existent - that I don't even exist for them
• hurt.....
• uncomfortable in their company
• and most importantly - I cannot trust them anymore. Because I don't know when I am being taken seriously and when I am being ignored.

Of course it also depends who is ignoring me: 

• A student or distant coworker: it does not matter. They are too busy in their lives. If I am important to them, they will not ignore me.
• An acquaintance: don't worry - they are not that important anyway, let it go.
• A colleague: jealousy is a big factor here. This is really hard to deal with.  It has to be taken care of diplomatically.  I have dealt with this one too many times and each time it has exhausted me.
• A good friend or family: this is the hardest one. Where I have deep emotions, time invested in a relationship, then I also have more expectations, and if I am ignored by them, then it is really hurtful.  It definitely needs to be taken care of. Talking is the best way; but of course that is a two way street - the other person must be willing to participate. Once the misconceptions have been cleared up then the trust has to be rebuilt. And then time and emotions are again invested in that relationship.

I know how I feel when people ignore me, so I have changed myself.  I try my best to not ignore people. I let them know that I am not available, or I am busy - because they deserve a response - however untrue it might be.  And if someone is important to me then I will always be honest about what is going on. Honesty is the best policy.

Ignoring anyone is very hurtful and I will just say - ITS NOT NICE - so don't do it.

One last point to mention here is when after saying something serious, someone says to me, "Ignore what I said." How does one do that? Just like an arrow, once shot from a bow can never be taken back, spoken words can also not be called back. The thoughts that come to my mind when I hear those words are, "What else should I ignore?" "Why did you say something if you did not mean it?" "What about in future? Should I know already what to ignore or will you tell me again?" I cannot ignore what my friends and family say to me.

One absolutely last point.....sometimes I just don't know what to say or how to talk to someone anymore. This dilemma causes a time lapse in communication.  Unless the other person takes the initiative to communicate, the time lapse becomes longer and it feels like I am ignoring the other person; when really I just don't know how or want to talk to them anymore.

Timing in Life

"Timing is everything in life"

I truly believe in this statement.  If you don't do things on time then you can do them as much as you want, it is not going to have the same meaning.  There is a saying in hindi "sona mitti kar diya". There are many examples I can give to make my point. Here are some...

1. Listening - when one is talking to someone, it is really important to pay attention.  If a statement requires a response and you don't respond at the right time.....well...that shows your interest in the person! If you keep ignoring them then they will get the message that you don't really care about them.
2. Visiting - when an incident happens to anyone (especially a sad event, eg a death in the family) you have to visit at the right time otherwise you might as well not visit.
3. Calling - some incidents require a quick call.  This lets the person know you are thinking of them.  And that is an important part of maintaining relationships....thinking of each other.
4. Email - this is the hardest one these days as this is now the slowest kind of communication and some people don't check emails everyday.  However, etiquette says that if someone has asked you something via email then they deserve a quick response.  Again, if not done in timely manner, you have lost your chance.

Sadly, we get lazy or we are procrastinators and keep thinking -

• oh I'll get to it;
• I will do it tomorrow;
• let this person calm down - then I will call;
• there is no rush;
• this is not important (enough to justify my few minutes of time);
• why should I call? they never called me.

All of these are just excuses for someone who does not want to communicate. These are not real reasons.  What timing also tells us is that taking action is important.  One has to act in a timely manner.  It may not be important to you but the other person may be waiting only for your response. Sometimes, rarely, you have to wait and then respond (again it depends on the nature of event).  But sometimes when you wait too long, you lose the moment. And then no matter what you do time will not come back.  This reminds of a sad/nice hindi song....

Don't let it happen to you! Take action at the right time otherwise there is the risk of losing relationships.

Of course you will do all these things only if you want to maintain relationships and care about people. If you take them for granted then they will also know that you mean nothing to them. In that case you can do whatever you want :-)

One last quote..."Lost time is never found again" - Benjamin Franklin

Acknowledgement

The dictionary meanings of acknowledge is:
“recognition of the existence or truth of something”
and
“an expression of appreciation”

We have become so busy in our lives that we forget to acknowledge the people around us; whether it is our family, friends or colleagues or even strangers for that matter. We brush them off and go about our lives as if these people will always be there. Not so......there is no relationship in this world that is immune from withering away. Once you start taking anyone for granted then you can take it for granted that the relationship is over. And suddenly one day you will wonder – how did that happen? How did I lose this person from my life?

We all want to be acknowledged yet we don’t want to give any acknowledgment – why? Because we are too busy? Or we don’t know how to appreciate people? What the heck are we busy with?? Life? Life – that is so fickle that it will not stay with you longer than it has to. It will pass us by without a second thought and leave us thinking about what we lost during the time we were busy.

Acknowledging someone is also the easiest way to make someone happy, including yourself. In this day and age of hyper communication sometimes there is no communication.

Regarding HOW to acknowledge someone....well...the easiest way of acknowledging someone is by sharing your time with them. As Americans say, “Time is money,” so yes, you are giving something valuable. But the value of this is immeasurable. Most people just want a little bit of your time. As soon as you start spending time with whomever you care about, you will see the difference in your relationship with them. Keep in mind – don’t expect anything in return!! You are doing it for them, if you matter to them they will reciprocate in kind!

No one likes being ignored. Even kindness to a stranger or from a stranger makes both the parties feel good! Make the change in your life......acknowledge and appreciate the people around you:

• Do something nice for your parents every day. Spend a little time with them.
• Play with your kids, or study with them.
• Do something that your better-half likes for a change. 
• Write or call your friend who you have been meaning to...
• Say a kind word to your colleague.
• Give a compliment to someone.

There are so many more ways to make someone feel appreciated - I can't possibly write them all.  Living alone for so long has taught me the value of relationships (contradictory eh!!). And I do hope that in my own way I make my friends and family feel appreciated.

Relationships are so fragile; so easy to break and so hard to maintain.  So if you want to keep a relationship then care for it like you would as if you were growing a tree. Water it, fertilize it with proper minerals and don’t forget to remove the bugs! The flowers, the fruits, the shade of the tree, all will be for you. Whatever you do, do it wholeheartedly, otherwise why even bother?

And if you don’t want to keep a relationship.....just ignore it! That is the easiest way to end it. The other person will get the message that you don't have any need for them, that you don't have any time for them and will acknowledge your wishes and go away.

To end today's thoughts.....I selected this quote, because so many times we acknowledge, but not with heart.

“I like her because she smiles at me and means it.” ~Anonymous