The Joys and Perils of Living Single

I have been living along for 20 years now.  It is a loooong time to be alone.  Initially it was the job that took me to places where I had to be single, and then it was the job and destiny that kept me single.

My first single living experience was in Buffalo, NY, for one year.  I had an apartment to myself, I could do whatever I wanted, eat whatever I wanted and since it was my first "sort of real" job, I could buy whatever I wanted.  It was great! I decorated my place, bought the furniture I wanted (some of it made me overdraw on my account - but it was a lesson to be learnt). I learned the hard lesson of cleaning snow from my car and driving in the snow of Buffalo....still gives me the chills.

Second single living was in Vancouver, BC, Canada, again for about one year.  I had a nice little basement apartment, typical of Vancouver living.  I never felt lonely in Vancouver.  There was so much to do, life was all around me.  I had a few good friends to hang out with and the rest, I did not care. I went everywhere I could possibly go.  I did not know if I would ever come back there after leaving so might as well enjoy every moment of it. And I did! The only bad part was not having means to do laundry at home. I had to haul my laundry to a laundromat once in a while.

The longest single stay so far has been in Kansas City, MO - 11 years.  This, as Charles Dickens would start to say, was the best of times and the worst of times.  Academic life kept me busy for most part, I worked hard to get my promotion and tenure, but there was always time for fun.  I managed to take some evening classes, learned about computer science, web design, programming, candle making and yes.....candy decoration :-)  Every Indian friend of mine was married and eventually had kids.  I was lucky to have the best girlfriends who had wonderful husbands.  If it wasn't for them being good, I would not have been able to have an active social life. It seemed like I had three circle of friends; the Indian group, my academic group and my student-friend group. All of them kept me occupied one way or another.

Then came Winchester, VA, for two years. Winchester was the place where I really started watching more TV.  Work was limited to 12 credit hours of teaching.  I would be home by evening and then I would go to work out (diligently) and then.....nothing! I tried to have a little social life but there were three groups in this little city - the punjabis, the bengalis and the south Indians.  All with their own language and groups. The only hindi speaking person was a newly wed couple next door - and they were a little too lovey dovey for me to socialize with. I did do some touristy stuff there....but how long can that last for anyone?

Now I am at West Palm Beach. And as I took a walk in the Okeeheelee trail around the lake, I was thinking, "Wow! I was doing exactly the same thing 7 years ago! Nothing has moved in my life. Things may have gotten a little worse maybe. My pay has not improved, my working condition has gone down and my personal life sucks." So 7 years of complete nothing. Meanwhile, my friends have gotten married, have had babies, kids graduated, bought new homes and cars.....

As I am getting older, I have some more time to look back and see where I have been.  Of course I have more years behind to look at also! And as I am still single, I think about - "Is this really where I wanted to be when I was in my 40s."  I never in my wildest dreams thought I would still be single at this age.  All Indian girls get married by 26-28, so would I.  But ..... well that is another story (or blog).

The best part about living alone is the independence.  I get to chose what to do, what to eat, where to go, where to shop, when to shop, where to spend my money, what movie to see etc etc.  I am not responsible for anyone else but me...and the three plants I have at home.

The downside to living alone is the being "alone" part.  I have to make all my decisions - no one makes them for me, so I better be good at them.  I have to manage everything - domestic, academic, auto, travel etc all by myself.  Sometimes it is too tiring for me to even go and get the milk from the store....but I have to, or I will not get tea. The most boring part is not having friends like myself. At this age, I am limited to being with people I like - not just because I "need" to hang out. All girls my age are married, have kids etc...so it's little hard to socialize sometimes.

I spend a lot of time with my lovely TV. Writing has become my new hobby. The laptop is literally attached to my lap now. I do get to do innovative things that I would not do if I was with someone because I may not get time to think as deeply as I do now.

In short, I would say, life has been good.  Not great....just good. I have tried to do my best in my circumstances with my brain power. I have no regrets so far. I have stood by every decision I have made and I still believe that I am better off single than in a bad relationship. Loneliness hurts sometimes, but with being with a person who hurts you all the time it's worse.

Support

Human beings need support of each other: physical, emotional or financial, whatever kind, but we cannot exist in isolation.

For the first 25 years of my life, I felt the on and off support of many people in my life - my parents, aunts, uncles, my brother and of course my friends. But this support did not come with love or dedication. It came as a responsibility and duty and that is where it ended. There was no heart or love in it. I always knew I had a home somewhere in this country or the other, but I did not feel that I belonged anywhere. Every home was a stop to somewhere else. I was like a gypsy.

After 25 years when I graduated with my PhD I really did start to become isolated.  I started living on my own and without revealing too much...its been a loooong time. The first three-four years were hard, since I was moving so much and settling in new places. It is hard to make friends and develop a support system.

I became financially independent since 25 (actually since 21, but graduate student living was below the poverty line - no savings!). I have not needed money from anyone since then. And that I am really happy about. I will never give up this independence.

Emotional and physical support have been hard to come by.

At home it has been hard to find support. There were challenges on every turn - especially where my marriage was concerned (which is a big deal for any girl). Whether it was - when to get married or to whom to get married to, or what kind of a guy was right for me, and then later after I gave up and got married to the next guy I met (big mistake!) then....staying married or getting divorced. There was no support from my old friends or family when I was getting divorced. During the hunt for a guy, during the marriage, during the divorce, everyone was thinking only about themselves. No one was thinking about me. I felt completely isolated. The couple new friends who helped me through those tough times will forever have my gratitude.

My friends have been my strength for me in all my gypsy years. I have managed to make good connections wherever I have lived and I still have maintained some of those connections (some get lost in time). I can count the number of my close friends on one hand. It is hard to trust anyone these days. People have their own motivations for making friends. I will not hang out with a group of 15 people and call them my friends - I need my 2-3 close friends who I can talk to heart to heart over a cup of tea. I can usually tell in a few meetings whether I can trust a person or not - although my heart and trust have been broken a couple times.

Work has been equally challenging. Every place that I have worked at - there has been a female chemist colleague who has sabotaged me - once an american Caucasian and once a Vietnamese, once a Chinese-Nicaraguan. WHY? I don't know. I knew it was happening and I would go to my bosses to ask for their support, but nothing happened. No support. It got so stressful for me that I had to change my job each time to get away from these females. But there is no running away for me. I just don't know what it is about me that makes them hate me so much. And yet again, I have a boss who does not have the guts to support me.

And then.....*cue in the angelic music*....a male colleague stands up for me. For the first time in my life I feel vindicated. I did not realize that this is how it feels when someone believes in you and stands up for you. No one has ever believed in me for anything. All the time when I was crying out for support at so many times in my life - no one was there. But now - someone believes me. I don't know what the outcome will be, but it felt really good to have someone on my side, for once in my life.

I think all this lack of support for so many years, compounded by living alone (in so many places) for so many years has made me different person. I look inward to solve my problems. I don't talk easily to people about my problems - what is the point? No one understands my situation like I do. Most people are also not interested in listening - they have their own issues and most people don't have time for anyone.

But I know the value of support. I hope I have stood up for people when they needed me to, I hope I have supported my friends in whatever way they needed - financial, emotional, mental, professional :-)

When I think about what I would want in a good friend or from a person I trust - it is unconditional support. And usually unconditional support is packaged with unconditional love, trust and honesty. Of course it has to be reciprocated. I will not break anyone's trust and faith they have placed in me. That is the ultimate betrayal.

Dear Zindagi - 3

The purpose of writing all these posts is not to blame anyone or feel pity for myself. I have to understand where I come from, what I need and what I stand for. At the end of the day, I should be able to look in the mirror and feel good about myself - that I did not hurt anyone, I did not betray anyone's trust, I was there for them.....

The movie, Dear Zindagi, was not deep, and it does not have to be. The key thing for me was that it discussed something that we don't ever talk about.  There were some takeaways for me:

1. Parents are only humans. We put them on high pedestal but they are just human beings trying to live their lives as best as they know how to. As children of our parents, our whole being is a result of treatment from our parents. As children we believe they cannot be wrong - they are the ones who teach us everything - how can they be wrong? But time and time again that has been proven wrong. Parents are as human as anyone else. 
2. Why do we punish ourselves? Why do we believe there is some great prize waiting for us if we go through a lot of pain? We push ourselves to take great risks to our mental and physical life to live our life just because it will make us better, stronger and earn respect. WHY? Why don't we take the easy way? What is the problem in that? 
3. It is important to look inward from time to time, look at our relationships and just like we try to keep our body healthy, we should learn to keep our relationships healthy. They should not get rotten or get fungus on it. They need to be kept fresh and flavorful! This closest relationship of a nuclear family is mostly taken for granted. I have written about this a lot in my blogs in various places.

People don't change their behaviour unless they want to. So I don't try to change anyone or expect anyone will change for me. I also cannot change myself too much....we always remain who we are.

We have our baseline of needs and requirements in life. If those are not met then life can be very difficult. I have many things in my life that make it comfortable, but it has not been easy.  The journey has been hard.  And being alone has been the hardest thing possible for me because I never expected I would be alone. Fighting alone, dealing with emotions alone, having no one to talk to, doing all the work alone. It all gets very tiring. And I am getting very tired. I feel like I have no patience to play games anymore. I want what I want or get out of my way.

I want to enjoy the money I am earning in traveling where I want to, doing what I want to do. Find a person who enjoys life as much as I do and live my life with him. Just relax and take a day at a time. No worries ... no fights.... no competitions....nothing....just an easy going life.  Why can't it be possible?

I don't think I was made for this world. I don't know how to live in it.

Where is my Life?

Things have not gone the way I wanted or imagined. Maybe a lot of people feel that way. But now that I have lived more than half my life, I can look back and think of what I have and what I could have had…and of course what I really wanted!

My first thought is always that I never thought I would be alone at this point in my life. I am and always will be a romantic and believe that there is a someone for everyone. But where is mine someone? All my life I have not even met anyone that I would want to be with. So what happened? Where did I miss my chance? Did I even have a chance to begin with? I will never know the answers to those questions.  I know I am still a romantic and always hope for the best.

I never thought I would be working this much! Of course not! I was supposed to be married and have someone else take care of me. I would have worked but given it up when I had children.  But none of that happened, so here I am working my behind off without any end in sight.

I never really wanted to have my own children because I believed in adoption. I also had no real desire to be a parent (have my own kids or adopted).  But according to the norms of life it was something that was going to happen …it happens to everyone – right? I took this for granted so much that I never thought it would not happen to me. I saw my friends and cousins, get educated and get married and having kids. Some were still working while some quit after kids. And that is how I thought my life would turn out to be. Well…destiny had other plans for me. For once my desire to never be a parent turned out to be granted to me.  There were some points in my life where I would really have a strong need to be a mother.  But now with years that has passed and I have no desire to be a mother anymore. 

I knew I would be working – for how long I did not know.  But what I did not anticipate was how challenging each work-place would be.  I always believe that we live life to improve ourselves to make us a better person and work towards a better life. That is how I wanted my work to be too. But it seems that I am only going downhill in life. There is no improvement in working conditions and my colleagues are getting worse to deal with.  Every place I have worked there has been that one challenging person in the department who has felt threatened by me. Why? I am such a low key person.  I like achieving goals, but I don’t take them away from anyone. I only do what other people don’t want to do, yet I have still be ostracized because of that. All of these nemesis have been women. Most of my sounding boards and supporters have been male colleagues. I was lucky to have them or I would have thought I was going crazy! This downhill work-place issue seems to be a never ending process. WHY? If destiny had decided that I was not going to have a home life why not give me a satisfying professional life?

I never thought I would be so socially isolated.  I have always had many friends. I enjoy their company and cannot imagine not socializing – even if it is for a short while. I have had all kinds of friends. Lately I am realizing that all my friends have turned into “phone” friends.  Most of my friends from other cities have become my true friends while where I live – West Palm Beach – does not have the kind of people I can socialize with.  WHY? Again – destiny!

I go through life sometimes thinking that I am living someone else’s life.  How can this be my life? There is no love, no happiness, no family, no friends, no professional satisfaction. there is nothing in my life that I thought I would have.  There is absolutely nothing in my life that gives me happiness. I just feel like an ant – just going out there, getting food and coming back.  There is not one thing that inspires me to keep going. I am just sitting on a Ferris wheel going round and round and round… and sometimes not even that – my situation has not stayed the same, it has only worsened.

I keep thinking next year will be different and my quality of life will improve.  Things do change but for me ... not for the better…..I am waiting……

A Robot with a Heart

So I am sitting here watching Wall-E, one of my favorite Pixar movies, and I am thinking, there is not much difference between Wall-E and I.

Wall-E does so much work - and so do I.
Wall-E is dedicated to his mission, even if it is packing trash; so am I...to teaching.
Wall-E is curious about things - so am I.
Wall-E lets cockroaches live - and for most part - so do I.
Wall-E sees a plant and tends to it - I have the same feelings about plants.
Wall-E sees a smart and sleek robot and falls for it - I do also fall in love for smart things :-)
Wall-E follows his heart - and so do I - sadly always heart over brains :-(
Wall-E watches TV and wonders who these people are who hold hands and dance - so do I...
Wall-E is a robot - and 99% of the time I feel like one too.
Wall-E wants to make friends - so do I.
Wall-E would love company, even it is of a destructive robot - sometimes I feel that way too....
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and most important one........
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Wall-E is cute - and some might think I am too!!

One of these days my life will stop feeling like a robotic repetition of day after day. I feel like the various parts of my life and body are rusting with the repetitive days.

One of these days I will also find a planet of life.......