Needs and Progress - 1

If we all stayed with the status quo there would be no progress in this world.

So many times, we say "just let it be" or "let it drag until it can" or "its always been done this way" and in hindi, "chalta hai" or "chalno do jaisa chal raha hai"....well, all these statements are of the people who are afraid of change; people who cannot see beyond their little world.

Why do we let the status quo stay? The biggest reason is - we are afraid.

• Afraid of what exists if that status is changed.
• Afraid of being the one who causes the change - because there is no doubt that a person who brings about change will stand out and be noticed. 
• Afraid whether our decision is right or not. 
• Afraid that we might have to stand alone.

So really the biggest deterrent of action is .... we are afraid of change.

People will stay in bad relationships, bad jobs, bad homes, cities where there is no opportunity to do anything...all because they are afraid of change. Why are people so afraid of change? (There are several books out there regarding this topic - most popular that I know of is "Who Moved my Cheese?")

• They lack self confidence - If one does not have self confidence, comfort in one's own ability and intelligence then it will be hard to take that risky step. One should have the confidence in themselves to push oneself through hard times, or different times.
• Lack of family support - we have always been taught "family is everything" "blood is thicker than water" etc...Sure. That is all good, but where are they when you need support? Sometimes they are the ones pulling you down.  Depending on your own nature, they might be tired of supporting you all the time, because you are a loser or troublemaker. But other than that, family also likes to have their own traditions and way of life. It is hard for them to look beyond those to help a family member who may want to try something different. They are also afraid of having a black sheep in the family, even though that black sheep is really just trying to live his dreams or just doing the right thing or just trying to make life a little happy themselves.
• Lack of financial support - we need money to do certain things. If the financial backing is not there, then things don't get done.
• Burden of responsibility - in some cases we are so burdened with responsibility that we just have to keep going on the usual path - there is no time to take that risky step to be creative or be happy.

And then there are always going to be people who don't mind the status quo. They are comfortable in it. "My friends did it, so I will also be okay doing it"; "This is how its always done"; "Why should I try something new". Or they will convince themselves that there is nothing better out there.

I will take marriage as an example since I had a poor one myself and have seen all kinds of relationships among my friends. Ask a man why he married his wife and he will say, "Everyone has to get married, so I got married too," (that is what my ex husband proudly said!!) Or he will say, "She can take care of me and my house....," meaning a housewife. It is certainly possible that he is genuinely satisfied with those qualities and he got married because everyone does. The most common reason for this is because he has not seen it any other way. His mother was that way, his female relatives are all that way, his friends wives are also all housewives...so yea sure - that is how it is and it is okay. And for most part it is okay......until.....they meet someone who has it different.  His friend married for love, his wife is involved with all aspects of his life - personal and professional, both take care of the house and both can talk about issues that are important in their lives etc. And suddenly he may realize - "This is better. I could have had it too. I did not realize this was possible." And then the unrest begins; the relationship starts going bad; people start lying to each other, the husband starts looking outside to fulfill his needs.....and the poor wife may or may not be clueless about what is going on. On the other hand, he may still be happy with what he has - a housewife - because that is all he wanted in life. His does not need more than that.

The same happens for jobs status. We get stuck in a rut of a job because we are too afraid to make the move for a better opportunity. We think, "At least I am getting some money", "At least I have some status here", who knows what it will be if I move? The "at least" gets us down. It brings a sense of comfort to us....
I am commuting 2 hours to work - at least I am getting some money.
I am living at home with my parents - at least I have a home to live in.

This "at least" breeds the status quo. Once we convince ourselves that this is the best there can be - then we get into the rut of life. Then there is no progress.

So coming back to needs and progress: Our Needs Drive Our Progress. If we satisfy ourselves with the minimum needs and don't ask for more, then there is no progress in our life, in the society, in the world.  We will continue to be mediocre in life.  Great things happen only come when people take risks in their lives.

In order to see progress in our lives, we have to increase our need level, we have to ask "What more is there?" - once you start needing more from life, you will start asking questions, you may start seeing opportunities that will get you where you want to go. I do want to mention that your need level should be within your values and morals. No one person's needs should cause someone else to suffer. My needs should bring about a positive change not just for me, but for everyone.

One last thing to say about needs is the need for Romance. Yes Romance. Where does this fit in? When I am in love I feel I can achieve anything. It gives me the power, the drive, the confidence, the motivation, the support and most importantly the pure happiness that is needed for life to go on.  I will need more so I would be more willing to change when I am in love. Falling in love is a risky behavior in itself - we make ourselves more vulnerable to emotions...but that is another blog.  In love may mean different things to different people; it may not just mean love between two adults - it could also be the love of a child, the love of a sibling or parents. Of course there is no doubt that the love between two consenting adults is the major factor here.  It is driving force for a lot of creativity.....so many artists, authors and creators have been so because of some love they lost or found.

So....don't accept the status quo. Find the romance in your life that gives you the need to become better for yourself, become better for your family and eventually for the community. That will also increase your happiness index.

Human Behaviour

Lately I have been thinking about human behaviour. Of course its complex, but I still want to try to understand why people behave the way they do. Does it have to do with education? Or family background? Or environment? Or is it something beyond that? Maybe.......our "karm"? Is it destiny? Is it something we are born with? Even in a one family no two people are the same; we may have similar interests or may look alike, but our behaviours can be alien from each other.

I am also trying to figure out why "I" behave the way I do.  When everything goes well, it goes well, and I feel satisfied and confident in my decision. But when it goes wrong, then all this thinking comes into play.

In some cases, I really had no idea what I was getting into.

In another case, it might be that I did not do my research properly and there was a chance that my decision would not be the best one.

But sometimes knowing fully well that there is no good outcome from my decision or the path I am choosing for myself; I still walk on it; and I invariably get hurt or duped and then I wonder why did I do it? I knew this was not going to be good for me yet........there was some unknown force that still made me go that route. Why?

And then all the self-doubts start arising;

• Am I good decision maker?  
• Am I really capable of recognizing good/bad character in people?
• Did I have enough experience to deal with this situation?
• Did I do the "right" thing?

In my case I would say “yes”, for most part for all the questions.

Then why do I get into something that I fully well know is not good for me? WHY? And so then finally I have only myself to blame - obviously - because I have no control over other people's behaviour.

The questions that come to mind then are:

• Was there some weakness in me that I am trying to fulfill?
• Did I feel that I am strong enough to handle all kinds of problems? Or that I don't have enough issues in my life and I can handle this one more?
• Did I do the “right” thing – ethically and morally? And if I am doing the right thing, then why am I having doubts? And if I did not, then I have to bear the consequences of my actions (which does happen in some cases)

OR - most importantly...

• Do I see the best in people and feel that they will do the right thing (ethically and morally) and never cheat me or lie to me? (Which means that either I am an optimist or naive).

My decisions are always based on happiness - mine and the other persons. My decision should make me happy and should not cause harm to anyone else. I will deliberately and consciously not harm anyone.  Sometimes people do get hurt - but was it because of me or themselves? That is for them to decide based on their own background and maturity. Although I know most times I will be blamed for their unhappiness also, but if I know I did the "right" thing - then I can sleep peacefully.

With all this going through my head, I happened to visit a faculty here in DSVV with hope to find a good book to read on meditation, to calm my mind.  Just my luck that I saw a book, "Chanakya on Management" by Ashok R. Garde. As with many others, I have always admired Chanakya neetee.  I think he is the most practical teacher in the world and is valid for all times. He was relevant then (330 BC), and he is relevant now. His teachings are as relevant to an individual as to an organization or a nation.

So far I have read the first chapter and it really has made an impact on me. I will try to write the gist of it for myself in my blog so I can read it whenever I feel I am having doubts about decision making or ethics.

Hopefully I will also find answers to why people make excuses for their behaviour; why they don't mean what they say; why they don't do what they say; why they always blame others for anything that did not work according to them etc......

Work Management

This was sent to me a while back. It is about being productive and happy in a work environment.  I have edited it a bit to incorporate my own ideas.

1. Be a team player:  Being a good team player is attained at the point of realization that the company and the team come before you. Outperforming in a team project lifts your morale, which obviously increases your chances of being promoted. Personal attitude matters a lot here. Not everyone in the team can be your good friends, never a possibility. What counts is your professional maturity of not voicing your difference against another while at work.
2. Be a good observer:  There is no excuse if you miss to observe what is happening around you and how things are done in your organization. Observation means involvement too, rather an indirect participation. Here you should try to find out what are the values of the company and how are they enacted? What is the process of decision making? What is the risk tolerance level? You will get an accurate idea about the culture of your organization by finding out the answers for the above questions and thus you can design your style of work in your organization.
3. Be a good communicator:  Communication doesn't only mean that you talk and develop a good rapport with everyone around you. Rather, it's how you let everyone know what you have achieved in a con vincible manner. But at the same time, a fallacy of exaggerating your success or taking undeserved credit for your role in teamwork will land you to neck-deep office politics. A good communicator creates friends and a makes even enemies talk good about him - he is the master of diplomacy.
4. Respect all:  Respecting your subordinates is as important as your superiors. While you shower your boss with countless salaams and behave with people working under you or co-workers in an autocratic manner with the wrong notion of positional hierarchy, you can never expect respect from anyone. In the heavily complex professional and personal relationship web in an organization, you never know to whom someone might be connected.
5. Manage your own behavior:  You got to be calm and cool at times of tensions. Refrain from gossiping, questionable judgments and spreading rumors. Grow beyond interpersonal conflicts. You should never compromise on your integrity. Professionalism and work ethics should be the basis of your actions. Above all, you should be extremely careful when revealing things to others - never blindly rely on confidentiality.

Fear

I think we should live with a clear conscience.  The only way to live with a clear conscience is to live without fear.  Fear is part of our daily lives. What are we afraid of?

We are afraid that we should not say anything that we are not supposed to; that we will hurt someone; that this person will never speak to us again; what will people say; what if I get caught doing whatever action?  What if, what if.....

One or the other fear is always hanging over our head. This fear makes us impotent and prevents us from making, what in our hearts we know, to be the right decision. Most times we have no fear in making the wrong decision for what we convince ourselves to be “for the good of all”. We tend to compromise for convenience, to maintain a peaceful environment and in some cases the lack of our own decisiveness.  But to make one right decision (that is true to our heart) we will think so much and eventually talk ourselves out of it. Our "shouldn’t" and "couldn’t" take over. 

(Edited) One other aspect of fear is the "fear of unknown" (as mentioned in the comment below). If we cannot predict what is going to happen then we are afraid of going there. We have the need to be in control. We like to be in our "safe zone" where we know what is going to happen.  I have seen people who spend their entire life in the same one house - they grow up there, go to college, work and retire in the same city. They never venture outside - some may not need to, but some are paralyzed by the fear of what may be out there. People who can let go of some this control are "risk takers". They are sometimes the most successful people in their life. One has to be able to let go of their fears to achieve something; otherwise one may not know what one is capable of. 

I wish we would keep our hearts and head clear for doing the right thing.  I know you might think – but what is the right thing to do? In your heart you know what the right things is.  If you make the right decision and make the right choices you will never have to worry about anyone or anything. Because you know what did came straight from your heart. Once you are convinced of your decision then its not hard to convince anyone else (and sometimes there is no need to!).

Eventually there is only one person you have to live with – yourself.  If you cannot even do that, then what is this life about?  There should not be any hidden motive for doing anything.  We should do all our work with a clear mind and conscience then only will we be happy.  It is very easy to find out if you are living with a clear conscience – you will be healthy: physically, mentally and emotionally.  Poor physical health is easy to detect: insomnia, digestion problems, high stress, depression and general melancholy.  (Our bodies detects distress sooner than our brain can.)

When we are mentally healthy then the world is a more manageable place to be! We tend to make good decisions, we are more comfortable in our skin and life becomes less like a battle and more enjoyable.  These in my opinion are clear markers of healthy mind and body.

Remember the Sholay dialog of Gabbar Singh, 

"Jo dar gaya samjho mar gaya!" 

So live your life - fearlessly!!

Character

Character of a person makes him who he is. (I will use "he" just for convenience - otherwise we know there can be a "she" also).

Character is a sum of experiences, wisdom from those experiences, personal values, maturity and I also believe it is somewhat destined. We can see good character in children - where does that come from? One sibling can differ so much from another: they have the same upbringing and same parents and environment, yet they can behave so differently. How? I don't know. Which is why I believe that character is destined.

In my thinking, character of a person is seen in their honesty, loyalty, respect, high moral values, ethics and humility. Humility because one should not let get all the other characteristics get into their head and turn into pride and ego. One should have good character just because it is a good thing - not to prove anything to anyone. Sometimes people call people with good character "self-righteous". I think that feeling comes because they can see the good in others which they know they themselves do not or cannot possess.

For most part, people live their lives without giving much importance on how the other person behaves because it really does not affect them too much in a day to day basis. However, the closer the relationship, the more important the character of a person becomes.  We tend to make friends with people who share our values in life. So if the character of a person is not matching with ours, we will not only not be friends but we will not trust them either.

Most of us can survive with whatever degree of negative character we have. (The more the negative value the harder the life!) The character of a person shows its true colors under extreme circumstances. If one can come out of that time/situation with gravitas then we can say - Okay! this person has shown some character!

Some good souls may not have a need for their character to be tested, because they have such high ethics and morals that they will never fail. Those really are higher beings.

I feel these days most people use character as a commodity; they use it as convenient to them. They use it where they see a value for it and not where they don't. They may show good character to their boss but then go out the mistreat their subordinate. They may show they have high values and moral to their family yet not show respect to strangers or sometimes even friends. Or in some cases, they may say they have high values, yet when the time comes to actually show it, they behave contrarily.

People with such bipolar behaviour can lose the center of their gravity - the core of their being. They can lose perspective of who they were, who they are and what they are becoming. They may lose track of how they are behaving and with whom. And if they keep continuing on that path then all their different roads will start crossing each other eventually the "real" person will start to emerge - the one who uses character as convenient to them. And using character as a commodity is not good character to begin with - that's called having "loose character". All that they were trying to accomplish will be lost in one second.  All the good will get washed out with one single bad action - trust will be broken. And trust is a like a glass vase, you can join it if it breaks but the cracks will always remain.

I believe in living with a set of values whereby

• I can sleep peacefully at night
• I know that I have not hurt anyone with my actions or words (at least not consciously)
• I have not asked anyone to do anything for me that I myself would not do. I cannot place anyone else's ethics on the line - otherwise I will lose my morality by asking someone else to lose theirs. 
• I know that I did my best in whatever I was doing and 
• that I will keep doing my best.

I don't want to live a life that is lie. It does not serve any purpose. It is better to remove oneself from the situation rather than face a lifetime of living a lie. If an action is not making someone happy, or making you happy then maybe that action is not worth taking. Not that every action has to make someone happy and not that every lie is a bad one - that action and that lie that ruins relationships are not worth it!!

In life we come across situations where we may not want to do something but we are being compelled to do it - for the good of a larger cause or the good of a person. We have use our judgement in those cases and decide what is more important to us - our values, our good name or making the other person happy even though it is not the right thing to do. We have to feel satisfied and ultimately live with our decision.

I want to live a life where I have nothing to hide, I have nothing to be ashamed of, I have no regrets and I am at peace with myself. I want to live with the feeling that I did the right thing - under the circumstances. A thief may think that stealing is fine and it is righteous according to him, but deep down somewhere he knows what he did was wrong. What I am saying is I should be able to live with my decisions. 

I may have referred to this bhajan before also - but really - its my favorite one! It conveys the message that your "self" is the mirror of your character - you know what you are doing is just or not.

Habit

I don't have to define what a habit is. We all know it is something we develop over time. There are the good habits and bad ones. And of course we also know that "old habits die hard".

People become attached to their habits and treasure them as if their habits are their identities.  Without their habits they are nothing.  When in reality those habits might be preventing them from having good relationships, achieve their goals in life or just having a good life.

We all know habits are formed by repetitive tasks. Like taking a shower in the morning or brushing teeth before going to bed. We start cultivating these habits because we think they help with our routine and are good in the long run. We get uncomfortable or feel incomplete when we are unable to do these repetitive tasks. We seem to think that we can't live without them, but in reality we will be just fine.

We have similar feelings for bad habits. We think we are being really unique by being a curmudgeon and grumpy person.  If we are not grumpy then for some reason we are not ourselves.

Just like habits we also become accustomed to the people in our lives. They also become our "habits" in life. We grow up with our parents and siblings so we know their habits, some of which we emulate and for some we do a 180, because we hated that particular habit. Slowly we develop our own personality and habits in life.

Then comes marriage - we are expected to live with a stranger who comes with their own habits and personality. But as time passes we get used to them also. We develop habits to accommodate theirs, and some may miss even those habits which they find irritating, when the person is away.  We become like that frog who is heated slowly in water and does not realize that he is being killed slowly by the rising temperatures.

Some habits are imposed by the society. These make you socially acceptable. To live in the society you have to follow certain rules; if you don't, you become a social pariah. This wonderful society is such that it will do everything to keep you submissive and under control.  It will do nothing to uplift you and make you free and independent. Only we ourselves can convince ourselves to do anything, be it good or bad.  We can live in a bad situation and tell ourselves that being in that situation is the right thing to do. We are afraid to change our habit, our norm and/or break free of culture. This is what the society wants or my family wants so this is what I will do. Everyone does it, so I will also do it.  We convince ourselves of this so much that that we then develop a habit to live in that situation.  However, if that habit is imposed on us (and its not our choice) then that situation will eat us from inside, we will deteriorate in health, happiness and quality of life.

In reality, habits can be changed, situations can be changed. And sometimes we change them without even knowing we have. We change our habits because we want to keep that job or because we want to stay married or keep our friendships and relationships. Sadly sometimes people equate changing ones habits with compromise. Why should it be considered a compromise if one is leading a happier and more satisfied life? So long no one is being taken advantage of, I think changing one's habits (compromise) is a good way to live life.

I believe that we are given life to improve ourselves, live a happy life and try to make everyone around us happy too. If we can't make people around us happy, then at least don't make them miserable. As we go about living our life, we should try to develop habits which

• free us - not limit us
• make us have a better personality - not make us unbearable
• improve us in health and wealth - not deteriorate us
• make us feel happy - not sad or angry
• improve our relationships - not isolate us

I just hope that I don't get stuck on any habit that I cannot change for all the reasons above.

So I would urge anyone who reads this to not get stuck on that habit, or person or societal norm that makes you unhappy. Have the confidence and self determination to change, learn to be happy and have a good life. Our failures are remembered only if we become successful from them, otherwise our failure is only ours to bear.

Words of Wisdom from Arabian Nights - 2

Almost everyone is familiar with some of the stories Arabian nights (Alibaba and 40 thieves, Alladin and the Flying Carpet etc). They are a collection of stories that Shaharezaad tells her husband, Sultaan Shaharyaar, every night so he would be intrigued by the stories and would not kill her. (She was successful) My mother has collected many of them from various sources and published them on her website (Sushmajee.com) under Arabian Nights Stories. All stories are interesting and keeps one spell bound until the end.  Read them; I am sure you will enjoy them. Most are suitable for kids 10 years or older.

Lately I have been editing them for my Mom, and came across some very good learning moments in some stories. These are valid for anyone in any culture.  Here they are in two installments.

Again - this is from my Mom's website: sushmajee.com.
(Read part 1 here)

Part 2: This excerpt comes from the story of Haykar (link). This is really a good story of how despite good teaching one can become bad and how wisdom always prevails. In this story Haykar, a vazeer (the king's adviser), is try to train his adopted son to become a good vazeer. I am going to write some these in my own words as some of these are written in a very different kind of English.

1. If a word comes to your ears, suffer it to die within your heart, never disclose to anybody, lest it becomes a live coal to burn your tongue; if you see something, do not disclose it to anyone; breed pain in your body, clothe yourself in shame and always fear from God. 
2. Don't make haste in replying.
3. Don't desire for formal beauty which fades away soon, but look for inner qualities which last forever.
4. O son, be not deceived by a woman of immodest speech, lest you become a prey of her speech and die by a shameful death. Don't be attracted to a woman of art, her clothes and cosmetics etc, because they are the things of immodesty. Beware of her to give anything which is not yours, for she will robe you in sin and you will have to answer to Allaah.
5. Do not be an almond tree whose leaves appear earlier than everything else and its fruit comes in the last, but try to be a mulberry tree which bears the fruit first and everything later as its foliage. 
6. Bow your head even to your inferiors, always speak softly, be courteous, and tread in the paths of piety. 
7. Never speak or laugh loudly, because if the house was built by the volume of the sound, the ass would eat many a mansion everyday.
8. The transport of stones with a man of wisdom is better than the drinking the wine with a man blamed for his foolishness. You should pour out the wine over the tombs of the pious men than drain it in those who offend others. 
9. Be with a sage who fears Allaah and try to be like him and learn his ways.
10. If you have a friend or a familiar, make trial of him, then be with him; and without testing him, neither praise him, nor insult him, nor disclose your thoughts about him to anybody who is not wise. 
11. As long you have a shoe to wear, walk always on thorns and tread a way for your sons and grandsons. Always keep a boat ready, lest the sea drowns you.
12. When a rich person eats a snake, it is said that it is his delicacy; but when a poor eats the same snake, it is declared "it is because of his poverty." Be content with your status and your good, never be jealous with your fellow. 
13. Never be friendly with ignorant, nor eat food with him; nor be happy when they are annoyed with you. 
14. Even if your enemy maltreat you, meet them with kindness and charity feelings. (read such a story). 
15. And always fear the man who does not fear Allaah.
16. O son, the fool will fall if one slips, but a wise man does not even tumble, and even if he tumbles, he will rise quickly, if he falls ill, he will be healthy soon; but for the ignorant there is no remedy. 
17. If a lesser intelligent man than yourself comes to you, protect him respectfully; and if he does not suffice you, the Lord will suffice you in exchange of him.
18. Spare not blows to your child, for the beating the boy is like to manure the garden, to bind the purse mouth, to chain the cattle, and to lock the door. Withhold your child from wickedness and discipline him, lest he becomes stubborn and obstinately disobedient; and thus lowering your head in the society and you should be described as an aid to his wrongdoings.
19. Let no word escape your lips without consulting your heart; nor should you stand up between two opposites, because if you talk to wicked people it will give birth to enmity, from enmity comes out the battle, and from battle arises the slaughter. 
20. Wherever your testimony is required, flee from that place and be at rest.
21. Never stand against a man who is stronger than you, but be patient; long suffering, self-control and treading the path of piety are excellent. 
22. Do not enjoy over the death of the enemy because after a while you will become his neighbor.
23. Do not hear if somebody talks to you rudely or makes a mockery of you; honor him and always greet him with Salaam. 
24. When the water in the stream is high, the bird will fly sky-high, and the black raven will be white, then only the ignorant and the fool will talk. (don't understand this one well)
25. If you are wise, control your tongue from talking, your hand from stealing, and your eyes from seeing evil, then only you will be called a sage.
26. O son, suffer, if a wise man strikes you with his staff, rather than being happy when a fool anoints you with the sweetest smell. 
27. Be humble in the years of youth so that you may be honored in your old age. 
28. Do not stand opposite to a man in your office, nor try to stop a river. 
29. Do not haste in the matters of marriage - because if it brings prosperity, the folks will not tolerate you, and if it brings ill, they will abuse you and curse you.
30. Live in the company of the one whose hand is full, not in the company of the one whose hand is like a fist. 
31. There are four things which are unstable - a king with no army; a Vazeer in difficulty for lack of advice amongst; the folks whose speech is discourteous and over the Kings. (?- seems incomplete)
32. Four things also are never hidden - wit, the sage and the fool, the rich and the pauper.

Words of Wisdom from Arabian Nights - 1

Almost everyone is familiar with some of the stories Arabian nights (Alibaba and 40 thieves, Alladin and the Flying Carpet etc). They are a collection of stories that Shaharezaad tells her husband, Sultaan Shaharyaar, every night so he would be intrigued by the stories and would not kill her. (She was successful) My mother has collected many of them from various sources and published them on her website (Sushmajee.com) under Arabian Nights Stories. All stories are interesting and keeps one spell bound until the end.  Read them; I am sure you will enjoy them. Most are suitable for kids 10 years or older.

Lately I have been editing them for my Mom, and came across some very good learning moments in some stories. These are valid for anyone in any culture.  Here they are in two installments.

Part 1: (Click here for the story it came from)

In this story a dying old father is telling his son how to live in this world.

1. The first principle - Be over-intimate with none, nor frequent with any, nor be familiar with any, thus you will be safe from his mischief; for security lies in seclusion of thought.
   Meaning: Do not share too much information about yourself with anyone - that way they will not be able to use any of that information against you.
2. The second principle - Deal harshly with none, lest fortune deals with you harshly; for the fortune of this world is one day with you and another day against you; and all worldly goods are but a loan to be repaid.
   Meaning: Deal fairly with everyone and treat everyone nicely. You never know when your luck turns around and you will need the help of others. Also, everything you have here stays here in this world and is a loan, so help others.
3. The third principle - Learn to be silent in society and let your own faults distract your attention from the faults of other men; it is said that in silence lives safety and by speaking you will repent many times.
   Meaning: Learn to be quiet and train to improve yourself rather than finding faults in other people. Silence is golden;  if you say something bad you will have to repent it over and over again.
4. The fourth principle - Beware of wine drinking because it destroys human wits, it opens the gates wide to sins that kill.
   Meaning: This is simple - be in control of your senses. Alcohol makes you lose control and makes you do things you would normally not do.
5. The fifth principle - Keep your wealth and it will keep you, guard your money and it will guard you. Waste it not lest you become a beggar. Save your wealth to cure the wounds of the world. Because if you do not have wealth, you have no friends around. How many friends are there who lend their money to their friends?
   Meaning: Be wise with your money. Take care of it and it will take care of you. When you have no money you have no friends.  There are not many friends who will give you money when you need it.
   

Comparison is the Way of Life

Comparison is a strange beast. It can make you better at what you do or it can ruin you. Comparison would be similar to survival of the fittest. Although there are so many people who can just simply "exist" without giving a second thought to how they live (another blog topic). Comparison can give us competitive edge which if done well can lead to a positive ending.

Comparison starts from childhood, especially if you have a sibling. No matter if you have a sister or brother there will always be comparisons. Parents make comparisons and sometimes make it worse, "Your brother can do this - why can't you?" or they may love one child more than the other so one is feeling left out. Depending the on the age difference sibling rivalry can be severe or not happen at all. Large age differences will tend to have fewer comparisons - for obvious reasons - they are not in the same age bracket to compare. But later in life they can still be compared in terms of success in life and responsibility. The closer the age the more the sibling rivalry. Sometimes it lasts the entire lifetime!

Comparison gets worse as we get older. The worst is between friends - she has "this" and I don't! He gets to go to "this" and I don't! I got better grades than you! She got into medical school and I could not. Of course for girls there is the added comparison of physical beauty. She is prettier, has better hair, has more friends and so on. (Maybe guys have another comparison - like height or muscles). It does not end. I feel that teenage years are the worst years. There is the need to excel in studies to get into a good college, the need to have friends and so much peer pressure to try out new things. Crazy time.

College days are better. One starts to be their own person. Hopefully they know what they are doing. But after graduation comes job hunting. Another BIG challenge. We compare ourselves to our peers to see where we stand in our employment. Did we get job in a good company, how hard was it? Did we have to use our network or were we good enough that we got in through a competitive process? Do we work for a big company or a small no name one. What is our status at the company? Etc etc..... Anything can be made out such that one can brag about it. I still brag about my first two post docs and my first job that I got because of my networking skills. And now I can brag about being selected through a competitive process.

Not to forget that with job comes money. How much are you getting paid? No asks that but everyone wants to know and tries to estimate. Money has become our biggest comparison factor these days because it gives you a status in the society. Family members get to brag about you if you make good money.  So it is a matter of pride for everyone.  Whether you have education or not, or you are a good person or not is not as important as how rich your are.

And then comes the family. How well did you marry? How well to do is your spouse? Do you feel a sense of pride introducing your spouse to your friends? We compare our spouses to everyone elses' - its just human nature.

And for someone like me - unmarried - I compare myself to my married friends and vice versa. And for couples who don't have children may compare themselves to the ones with children.  Parents with two girls may have wanted one boy and will always compare themselves with the ones who were lucky enough to have a boy. Comparisons never end.

As we get older, we become parents and the cycle goes the other way. First we were under pressure to do well, now we put our children to do well. Our measure of success is in the success of the children  So the cycle continues.....

The bad part about comparison is that it can really cause depression, jealousy or anger. This can lead to uncommon behaviour in a person which might result in harm to another or to self. The negativity spills into all aspects of our life and destroys relationships.

On the other hand comparisons can be healthy if dealt with in a positive manner. It can make you perform better in education, in sports and other competitions. It can make you push to do things you may not have thought you could do. It could lead you to having a more fulfilling life.

As time goes on we compare our old self to younger self - oh we could so much when we were young! Oh I could have done this if I was single! Well sure. Some people manage to remain as active and involved as they were in their youth. But it is also equally fair to keep moving on in life rather than looking back and be in competition with ourselves. We may get better in some ways but worse in others (knowledge vs stamina respectively!).

No one is perfect, no one's life is perfect. We can compare as much as we want but unless we know the other person's story we will never make a fair comparison. The best thing is to appreciate what others have, acknowledge their life and try to live ours in such a way that it becomes an example to others.

Lastly, we have all come in this world to live our lives; we are not all supposed to lead the same lives as others. There are certain norms and expectations  of a society but for most part our life is unique and needs no comparison.

Expectations in Life

Our expectations from other people and their expectations from us are the cause of most emotional upheavals in our lives. All of us expect certain things from certain people and if those expectations keep on meeting then we take them for granted.  But if those expectations are not met then we will always blame the other person; not ourselves.

In Bhagvat Geeta, Krishna tells us to just do our work and deeds (karm) as we are supposed to and not expect anything in result or think about the outcome of those deeds.

Well....this is one of the hardest things to do.

Our whole life is motivated by having goals in life and meeting them. When we fulfill our goals we feel a sense of accomplishment and the motivation to go on further to the next goal. If we don't meet our goals then we feel like a failure and it takes a lot of effort to get up and try again or go on to another goal.

Expectations are fundamental to our being. As soon as you perform an act, there is some expectation of result. It can be as simple as when I am thirsty and I drink water, my thirst should be quenched (that was the goal).  When I go to teach my students, I expect them to learn and do well on their exams.  It is tough for me to accept that there will be no result from my hard work. Even a mother, who is expected to have selfless love for her children, expects them to take care of her in her old age. 

Same goes for all people in our lives. We expect something in return from people because they are sensible and should know that one should always give back if you have received something. We don't even excuse strangers! We expect even strangers to be kind to us because obviously why would they be rude to us? They don't even know us! So if someone does not hold open the door for us after going through it, we think - how rude!

As part of my happiness training I am also learning to let go of this "expectation". It has been hard to do, but I am teaching myself to let go. As time is passing by I am gaining a lot of relief and a general feeling of lightness. There is no weight on me of emotions that used to weigh me down because I am waiting for someone to do something for me.

So how am I doing this -  expecting less from others and meeting other people's expectations?

The first thing I tell myself is everyone is born with their destiny - as am I. So I have to keep doing what I am supposed to do and let the other person do what they do. I cannot control their actions. I have to believe that there is a higher power somewhere keeping an account of all this (as said in Bhagvat Geeta).  There is also an English saying, "what goes around comes around", which most people think happens in this life, but Hindus believe happens over multiple lives (reincarnation).

Doing the "right thing" is not always easy, we make the best decisions given our circumstances, our values and our intelligence. Keeping that thought in mind, I keep doing what my heart tells me to do (and my heart is usually right). I don't have many regrets in life. I am certain I have hurt people during my life but I can only hope they have moved on in their lives.

The harder part is when someone expects something of me and I am not able to fulfill that. I feel bad when I find out that I was supposed to do something and I did not do it.  Most times people don't really tell what they are expecting of me, they think that I should just know.  I am very careful in what I do and how I behave but I am certainly not a mind reader. Being able to fulfill others' expectations is part of what is called emotional quotient. Higher EQ scoring people are more self aware, have more empathy and tend to manage their situations well. All this leads to living a more emotionally fulfilled life. These days it is considered better to have a higher EQ than IQ.

I will have to do more study in Psychology to know if we are born with certain EQ and IQ or it changes over time. From what I have seen in people is that some things never change, but the educator in me says that EQ can be improved by our experiences and by training ourselves to observe more. But then again, many things never change.....

So the part about meeting other people's expectations has to do with high EQ. Higher EQ people will know what to say (or not), when to say and what to do (or not) in a given situation.  That is why a number of the older generation people who never had any formal education, were still "wise" because they knew what to do and when to do it - that was their high emotional quotient. (Click here to take a simple - about 15 questions - quiz to see how you do on your EQ). I will not tell you whether I scored high or not :-)

Sometimes we are just not able to meet other people's expectations because their expectations will never end. Its just one thing after another and another.....At that point I just have to say, "Enough", I am done with this now. I have, in my own ways, found a way to get around these people otherwise they will completely drain me of everything I have.

With self education and patience we can all coexist happily for the short time that we are on earth.

I have not written much about taking people for granted....that will be another blog.

Happiness - Privilege or Right? Part II

Personal Happiness: This is what I am really getting to from my previous blog on Happiness.  How does one live a life in which you feel happy, you feel you have achieved something, you feel you have not let yourself down, and you are at peace with yourself?  As I am growing older I am realizing there is no way I can make everyone happy. So I have resolved to make just one person happy - ME! I have also realized that if I am happy I am a nicer person, I have less burden of the world on my shoulders and it is easier for me to make other people happy.
(Again - I am sure there are tons of book on happiness - but this is my blog!)

I am not always happy - obviously! But I am training myself, slowly.  And I have seen some good results from my self-training.  So....What have I done to stay happy?

Well first I must say that it has taken a long time for me to let me feel what I feel. We (including me) tend to feel what other people want or expect us to feel.  One has to have the self confidence and faith in themselves to let themselves feel what they naturally want to feel; or one will be leading a fake life.  I have had to let go of a lot of emotions, a lot of negativity and some responsibility (in a responsible way).

So these days this is what I do...

• I take care of my health - I diet and exercise to a point where I feel satisfied, not to satisfy anyone else - just me.
• I make sure that my "career" is taken care of.  My job is what is paying the bills and helping me live the life I want; so I make sure that I don't slack off there.  I do what I am supposed and more if I can - but only if I want to. I don't let the petty day to day events get me down.
• I have hobbies that help to occupy my mind so it does not wander off into the negative world.  I keep my hands and mind busy with crochet, writing or cooking. And occasionally cleaning! 
• Try to do something new at least once a month. It could be something as small as trying a new recipe, or learning a new software - variety is the spice of life. So I always keep learning.
• I don't take responsibility for other people's actions anymore. This was a hard one. I used to keep feeling that I was somehow responsible for how the other person was talking to me or behaving towards me. But in time I have come to realize - everyone has their own life to live, their own destiny, their own sense of well being.  I will not hurt anyone deliberately but I will not take responsibility if someone loses their temper for no reason at all. I will walk away from negativity.
• I don't expect other people to make me happy. It is not their responsibility. I am responsible for my own feelings. And the truth is that so many people do make me happy! 
• I surround myself with people I like, people I care about (and who also care about my well being), people I can enjoy life with, laugh with (and sometimes vent with). The more positive, creative and good people I have in my life the better I feel.  I don't feel obligated to hang out with negative people just because I "have to". I have friends because I want them in my life.  I don't want people around me who suck the life out of me. My contact with such people is minimum.
• I volunteer my time - giving back to the community always makes me feel like I belong in this world and I am making a difference even though it might be minuscule. Time is a valuable gift to give - more than money, so I always make sure I give my time to organizations whose mission I believe in. 
• I travel - what a waste of life if one has not seen the creation! Traveling opens up minds and hopefully hearts! At least for me it has. I enjoy it, I see it as a personal growth. It is culturally enriching and intellectually satisfying to learning about other countries and cultures. 
• Read read read - books take us through so many adventures. So let the imagination fly. I love reading! 

My work is still not done.  There is always this nagging feeling of - if I had just "this" more I would be happy.  When I fill in the blank with "this" then I think I will want "that", then once I have "that" it will be "something else".  The wish list will never finish.  So I have to learn to just enjoy my life and the world as it is at present with all that it has to offer me and vice verse.

Even great sages have to go off for meditation to rejuvenate and come back to spread wisdom.  So there is no harm making a little time for yourself when you see yourself sinking. (Yes, I am saying there is a great person in each of us who has something to offer to this world!)

Are you happy? Do you permit yourself to be happy? I don't know! It is up to you to figure that out for yourself. Believe in yourself, know who you are and live the life that YOU want to live not what someone else wants for you (that would be a fake life). Do all the little things that make you feel good from the inside - it could be as little as opening the door for someone. But do it. Make small changes to the positive side of the life.

If you are happy then the world will seem beautiful, everything will seem to be in harmony, problems will seem to be meaningless and you will try and make other people happy! You can make other people happy only if you are happy from the inside.  And don't be that fake happy where you are smiling outside but are sad or irritated inside.

I would say happiness is a right. No one should take that right away from you. And you should exercise your right to be happy. I know sometimes sacrifices have to made - but then make them consciously and with full acceptance so you don't regret it.  Be happy with your decision for your sacrifice and learn to enjoy it.

Be happy - inside out.

Happiness - Privilege or Right? Part 1

Be happy...
Stay happy...
Hamesha khush raho (always be happy - a very common Indian blessing)
Happiness is the key of life...

What the heck is this happiness? And why does everyone want you to be happy (yet in some ways not also).  My thinking is that happiness is a state of mind where you feel you have no problems, you are at peace with the world and everything feels good.

How to be happy? One only has to Google it and find so many resources on how to be happy! There has be a conscious effort to be happy and stay happy. Most of us are not happy because

• we may not be valued at work
• other people are not happy with us
• we did not get what we wanted
• we can't seem to please anyone
• we have so many responsibilities and we are too stressed to be happy
• nobody is listening to us
• someone did not recycle the paper! They just threw it in the trash!
• and so on............

Even the smallest incident in our life becomes a huge mishap and thus a cause of unhappiness. So really....we don't give ourselves permission to be happy because we have surrounded ourselves with so many issues. 

Then there is this whole other factor of this world where everyone says you should try be happy but no one really wishes it for the other by heart. Because what will they do if you are happy and they are not! Misery loves company - right?

Happiness seems to be a very fleeting emotion. It seems that as soon as one is happy someone else comes and takes it away - not to make themselves happy, but just so that you are not. Again, it is as if they they are saying how could "YOU" be happy when "I" am not? Or how could YOU have something that I don't have?  And there are so many people who suck away the happy feeling.

So even though people can be happy they are afraid to show their happiness lest others get jealous,  or ruin it by saying something petty and selfish, or sucking it away.

So why do we wish "Happy" everything when we really don't mean it?  I don't have the answer to that question. Or maybe everyone surrounding us is just pretentious.

What are some of the reasons that people are not happy? (I know there are gazillion books out there on this topic - but this is my blog and my take on things!)  Here are just some of the reasons I can think of right now. In my Part II of this blog I focus more on the self.

Happiness at Home: I should not pretend to have authority on this since I don't live with anyone :-) Although from all the divorces, affairs and marriage counselors out there I can take a quick guess. We spend majority of our time at home. So if there is no harmony at home - from the spouse, children, extended family and living conditions then there will be constant irritants in life. This is also the hardest to change because how do you change your situation which was made permanent by a vow or by blood?  In my case, living alone has given me the freedom to make changes and live my life as I want to; it has given me a different perspective on things. Although in both cases (living single vs family) I feel fate/destiny is responsible. I have noticed some people are just sad and they will contine to live a sad life whether they are single or in a family.  They cannot seem to make the small changes in life that can give small happy moments. They almost seem afraid of life.

Happiness at Work: This is where we spend the second big part of our life. We are considered more successful not by the quality of our personal life, but by the number of promotions we get or the pay raise that we get at work. If you get a promotion/recognition you must be good otherwise you are lacking something.  It also means that whatever you do at work is never going to be sufficient; there is always one more step to go, one more promotion to have and then another and another.....If there are no more promotions at the current job then you are advised to change jobs and start moving up the ladder in a new place....or why don't you start your own company? There is no end to this. So we spend our lives trying to attain the unattainable. How can we be happy? And then to top it all off when we are the pinnacle of our career we are supposed to retire! Well...there goes all the hard work - what am I supposed to do now?

Of course all the above is not true for anyone who loves their work, enjoys it and finds happiness in it. And these are people who have a pleasant disposition and are a joy to work with.

Happiness from Parents: I don't know how many parents are completely satisfied with the lives of their children.  As soon as one becomes a parent, there is no other job for them but to take care of the children, make sure they study well, get into the right career path, settle well in life with a good partner, have children of their own.........the list goes on.  Which means there is no end to the desires there.  All parents in the world believe they have sacrificed so their children could have a good life. All parents - even the drunk father or the absent mother. So they have a right to expect something in return from their children. All that sacrifice has to be paid back by meeting the parents' expectations.  Tough luck!! Hardly any children can meet those expectations so the cycle of low self esteem and of getting no acknowledgment goes on.  There goes that happiness in the dumps!!

Selfish Happiness: I also want to point out that some people are so much into their own happiness, self-gratification and convenience that they overlook their responsibilities. I consider such people to be selfish. That happiness which leads to other people being inconvenienced, made fun of, or not taken care of (if you are responsible for them) is not happiness - that is selfishness.

Timing in Life

"Timing is everything in life"

I truly believe in this statement.  If you don't do things on time then you can do them as much as you want, it is not going to have the same meaning.  There is a saying in hindi "sona mitti kar diya". There are many examples I can give to make my point. Here are some...

1. Listening - when one is talking to someone, it is really important to pay attention.  If a statement requires a response and you don't respond at the right time.....well...that shows your interest in the person! If you keep ignoring them then they will get the message that you don't really care about them.
2. Visiting - when an incident happens to anyone (especially a sad event, eg a death in the family) you have to visit at the right time otherwise you might as well not visit.
3. Calling - some incidents require a quick call.  This lets the person know you are thinking of them.  And that is an important part of maintaining relationships....thinking of each other.
4. Email - this is the hardest one these days as this is now the slowest kind of communication and some people don't check emails everyday.  However, etiquette says that if someone has asked you something via email then they deserve a quick response.  Again, if not done in timely manner, you have lost your chance.

Sadly, we get lazy or we are procrastinators and keep thinking -

• oh I'll get to it;
• I will do it tomorrow;
• let this person calm down - then I will call;
• there is no rush;
• this is not important (enough to justify my few minutes of time);
• why should I call? they never called me.

All of these are just excuses for someone who does not want to communicate. These are not real reasons.  What timing also tells us is that taking action is important.  One has to act in a timely manner.  It may not be important to you but the other person may be waiting only for your response. Sometimes, rarely, you have to wait and then respond (again it depends on the nature of event).  But sometimes when you wait too long, you lose the moment. And then no matter what you do time will not come back.  This reminds of a sad/nice hindi song....

Don't let it happen to you! Take action at the right time otherwise there is the risk of losing relationships.

Of course you will do all these things only if you want to maintain relationships and care about people. If you take them for granted then they will also know that you mean nothing to them. In that case you can do whatever you want :-)

One last quote..."Lost time is never found again" - Benjamin Franklin

Self Determination

I am not going to even pretend that I am the first person who said that self determination is important for sucess in life. But I can surely say from personal experience that if I did not have self determination and self-confidence, I would not be where I am now.  I am not in a very high level position, rich or a famous person. But I am comfortable in my life and in my own skin.  What is my measure of sucess for myself? I have a secure job, a lovely house, good health, good friends and so much more freedom than many people. 

I have had good experiences that I will cherish and also had the bad ones which sucked the life out of me.  The saying that "sticks and stones can break me but words will never hurt me" is really quite not true.  Not only do words hurt people but the lack of words, silence, can equally hurt people.  Also the saying that "time heals everything" - ehh! not really true.  One may heal in some ways but the scars are always there.  So in our own ways we need self determination to get through life's challenges.

For self determination one needs to have faith in something.  Keeping myself centered on that faith and believing in myself made  me ready for anything.   I may not be able to control the outcome of my decision, but I can control how I react to the outcome.  It takes a lot of self control and self determination to not always "react" to incidences.  Having faith in the fact that everything happens for reason, helps a little bit, especially when bad happens.

My faith in my own abilities and judgement made me stronger and self reliant.  After I started living by myself, 20 years ago I had to grow up.  My first time living alone for one year in Buffalo taught me some tough lessons in financial management (another time, another blog).  After that whatever decisions I took, good or bad, were mine to make and I was the one to face the consequences.  I kept the frame of mind that I was the only one responsible for my actions.  That way I could not blame anyone for my decisions and took full responsibility for them.  That made me a little lonely but stronger. Of course, now I understand that my decisions are not really mine to make - someone up there is making them for me.

Making a decision, especially big ones, have not been easy.  I have to make sure my values are well grounded, I have weighed the consequences and my intentions are good.  I will not be right all the time and I may also hurt people with my actions, but those decisions hurt me too because they are the hard ones to make.  (Sometimes in those cases other people are happy you took those decsions instead of them - so they are not held responsible.)

In any case I wish that people would:

• believe in themselves,
• be true to themselves,
• be responsible for themselves,
• take actions that are morally right (for most part) and 
• not depend on other people all the time.

I have been called self-righteous and too independant, neither of which is true, well....maybe sometimes its true :-)  But I do like my independence and I do like to play fair. I am what I am - I am not pretentious. I am what we call in America - WYSIWYG.  And that comes from being honest with myself and the people around me.

This blog entry would be incomplete if I did not mention Gabbar Singh from the hit movie Sholay.  His dialogue "jo dar gaya samjho mar gaya." (He who is scared is dead), has been my motto for the past few years.  That dialogue has given me more self confidence than I can imagine.  Thank you Gabbar Singh!!

Travel

Hang Loose....Hawaii-an Motto!

I cannot imagine living life without traveling anymore. My travel bug came from my family. My father started traveling when he was young, within India and then once he travelled abroad one time, there was no looking back. I grew up in different countries, went to school and then worked in different countries.  Even from childhood I have visited several countries, first with family, then with co-workers and friends.  And now frequently I have the yearning to see some place new.  I explore my local area and also try to travel abroad.

Depending on how one travels, it can do more to a person than just introduce them to tourist destinations. One can go an exotic destination and stay in hotel and not venture out of it – that is not even tourism, just a waste of time. 

To travel and learn something from it, one has to immerse themselves in the culture and experience of it. Traveling within ones own country can also be as exciting as traveling abroad. It’s the experience that counts.

Traveling can open our eyes to so many wonders. We learn new cultures, languages, cuisines, way of life, transportation etc etc.
- The more diverse you make your travel plan the more you will learn.
- The more open minded you are, the more you will understand the culture and people better.
- The more acceptable you are, the more you will enjoy your travels.

By traveling to a country and culture alien to ours we also understand ourselves better since we are out of our elements. Being out of our comfort zone teaches us about survival, alertness and being practical.

Having traveled to a number of places with different groups of people; with parents, with brother, with a group of strangers, with student groups, with colleagues, as a leader and of course by myself, I can confidently say that I have enjoyed all my travels, no matter with who (or whom) I go. I make it a point to experience as much as possible and enjoy every moment of my time, even if I am waiting for one hour at the bus stop for the bus to arrive!

Some of best traveling experience has been within my own country, India.  I learn more about it every time I go.  It could be because I did not grow up in India and I look at India as a foreign country also :-)

So how do you make your travel a memorable one?

• Learn about the destination before going there.
• Try to learn the basic vocabulary, if the language is different.
• Once there, talk to the guide, be polite and culturally sensitive while asking questions, but ask questions.
• Speak to as many locals as possible (if language permits).
• Observe all customs and rituals of the country. You are a visitor, so you have to conform to their customs.
• Try not to show off with lots of money or gifts.
• Be patient of everything and everyone.
• Always have a positive attitude.
• Don't forget to enjoy the local cuisine!!

Everyone is not like you and your differences will only make your experience more worthwhile, so relax and enjoy it rather than getting all worked up and judgmental.

And make sure you bring something back!! You never know when you will ever go to that country again.

Click here to see some more of my travel photos

(The magnificent Macchu Picchu, Peru)

Romanticism

I have such romantic notions of how life should be.  In my world, everyone behaves the way they should; a student studies for his course just because he chose to enrols in it; strangers are polite to each other; people return phone calls and reply to emails; a tour guides works without the expectation of a tip; and so does a waiter (waitress).....etc etc.  But my grandeur of romance gets shattered every single time!!! But sadly I don't learn from it.  I go on to my next broken romance.

When am I going to realize that reality is so far from idealism? People don't behave like they are supposed to and sometimes they just don't know how to behave, and so things will never have the same outcome as I want them to be.  I will just keep getting disappointed at reality.  Instead, I should start getting amused....."Oh look it happened again!! - haha!" But there is no haha when things don't go the way they are supposed to.  It is depressing, causes anger, resentment and shakes my faith in humanity and sometimes common sense.

I just wrote my blog on "rules" - well, it is certainly true that most people don't know (or don't care to know) much about the rules of nature, of how things are supposed to be.  They make up their rules as they live life.  Their personal background, culture and experience makes them create their rules, which they follow and believe to be right.  So of course if I have expectation of ideal behaviour, then it is my problem, not theirs.  Obviously! (Can you see me rolling my eyes?).  Or maybe I have created my own set of rules by which I behave....and expect everyone else to abide by them....I will not know unless someone tells me.

So at this time my problem is incurable (the problem with die hard romantics).  Knowing all of the above, I still have expectations of ideal behaviour. I want to have faith in humanity that it can behave the way it is supposed to. I want to believe (I sound like Mulder in X-files).  Human being is the only species which has the ability to think and reason but it does not excercise it.  I would like humans to start behaving like the elevated species they are.

Thank goodness I do have some people in my life who make me believe.....thank you!!

Rules

"Rules are meant to be broken" - that is a common saying.  Well.....but we need rules in order for this world to function properly.  If we don't follow rules then it is just anarchy, why bother having societies and laws?  So then I have these questions:

• Why do we have the saying "rules are meant to be broken"?
• Whose rules are we breaking?
• Who makes those darn rules?
• Really....I am wondering where does it all start? Who had the moral backbone to start making all these rules?

I don't  have a problem with rules :-) I just wonder why people break them so frequently.  The world would be such a peaceful place if everyone just followed some simple things:

1. speak the truth;
2. do their jobs as it is meant to be;
3. penalize people who don't do what they are supposed to do.

Sometimes following a rule can be as simple as driving properly on the road or throwing the trash where it is supposed to be thrown.  But we don't even do that! Why don't we like conforming to rules? (hence the saying - rules are meant to be broken).  I think some of us (myself included) do not like being told what to do.  We know what we have to do and most times we do it.  If we don't follow a rule then it is was for a darn good reason.

I must say that as much as I have been a dependable and responsible person, I have not hesitated to break a rule if I needed to.....or wanted to.  There is some fun in it, while sometimes it is a neccessity.  Most times no one gets hurt.....most times.  I am not the conventional/traditional Indian girl as one might think or maybe I am.  I don't know - I have not met anyone like me yet.  Although as I am growing older I feel the need to follow rules more than before (I still break 'em though!).  It makes life more disciplined and easier to follow.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot as to how breaking a rule can change your life completely.  If I had followed on the path laid out for any typical Indian girl - my life would have been so different.  But it did not happen that way because of my destiny.  So, really do we break any rules ourselves? Or is it in our fate to break those rules? So many scientific discoveries would never have been made if one had stuck to tradition and conservative thinking. So...I feel like it should be okay to think outside the box once in a while.

Humility

Humility comes from greatness of character. The more a person learns about the world and themselves, the more they realize that they don’t know anything. Once that realization hits, then one starts to get more curious and the long journey of learning begins. As one gets more knowledge one gets more mature and thus becomes more humble.

One should know the difference between knowledge of information and knowledge of self. Information are facts that one learns to progress in career whereas knowledge of self is for self improvement. Humility comes from the latter type of knowledge. Acquiring of information does not always lead to humility, it can lead to pompousness and egoistic behavior. This type of behavior leads to destructive nature of self.

Individuals who are humble can be recognized by their self contentment, quiet nature, respectful behavior and open mind.

There are many people who don’t know that they are ignorant.  They think they already know everything so there is nothing more to learn from the world.  If they do learn it is not really to improve themselves, but to show off to other people about what they have learnt. They keep touting their own knowledge and promote themselves as if they are the only ones who know anything. The sad part is that they don’t even know they are ignorant. These people are shallow and cannot see beyond themselves. There are many sayings about such people in hindi – but here is one in English which is similar:

Coins always make sound….but the currency notes are always silent.
So…..when your value increases, keep yourself calm and silent..

Acknowledgement

The dictionary meanings of acknowledge is:
“recognition of the existence or truth of something”
and
“an expression of appreciation”

We have become so busy in our lives that we forget to acknowledge the people around us; whether it is our family, friends or colleagues or even strangers for that matter. We brush them off and go about our lives as if these people will always be there. Not so......there is no relationship in this world that is immune from withering away. Once you start taking anyone for granted then you can take it for granted that the relationship is over. And suddenly one day you will wonder – how did that happen? How did I lose this person from my life?

We all want to be acknowledged yet we don’t want to give any acknowledgment – why? Because we are too busy? Or we don’t know how to appreciate people? What the heck are we busy with?? Life? Life – that is so fickle that it will not stay with you longer than it has to. It will pass us by without a second thought and leave us thinking about what we lost during the time we were busy.

Acknowledging someone is also the easiest way to make someone happy, including yourself. In this day and age of hyper communication sometimes there is no communication.

Regarding HOW to acknowledge someone....well...the easiest way of acknowledging someone is by sharing your time with them. As Americans say, “Time is money,” so yes, you are giving something valuable. But the value of this is immeasurable. Most people just want a little bit of your time. As soon as you start spending time with whomever you care about, you will see the difference in your relationship with them. Keep in mind – don’t expect anything in return!! You are doing it for them, if you matter to them they will reciprocate in kind!

No one likes being ignored. Even kindness to a stranger or from a stranger makes both the parties feel good! Make the change in your life......acknowledge and appreciate the people around you:

• Do something nice for your parents every day. Spend a little time with them.
• Play with your kids, or study with them.
• Do something that your better-half likes for a change. 
• Write or call your friend who you have been meaning to...
• Say a kind word to your colleague.
• Give a compliment to someone.

There are so many more ways to make someone feel appreciated - I can't possibly write them all.  Living alone for so long has taught me the value of relationships (contradictory eh!!). And I do hope that in my own way I make my friends and family feel appreciated.

Relationships are so fragile; so easy to break and so hard to maintain.  So if you want to keep a relationship then care for it like you would as if you were growing a tree. Water it, fertilize it with proper minerals and don’t forget to remove the bugs! The flowers, the fruits, the shade of the tree, all will be for you. Whatever you do, do it wholeheartedly, otherwise why even bother?

And if you don’t want to keep a relationship.....just ignore it! That is the easiest way to end it. The other person will get the message that you don't have any need for them, that you don't have any time for them and will acknowledge your wishes and go away.

To end today's thoughts.....I selected this quote, because so many times we acknowledge, but not with heart.

“I like her because she smiles at me and means it.” ~Anonymous