White Supremacy

With the number of attacks going up because of white supremacy, I feel I should write a few things on my mind. First white supremacy is nothing but white ISIS/al-kaida or simply a group of terrorists. They are just white - that's all. Their leaders are equivalent to Osama bin Laden, plain and simple.

These white supremacy groups sadly are not recognized by American government (or I think any other government) as terrorist groups because these governments are generally also white. Their attacks are also not called terrorist attacks. They are classified differently. Why? Again white supporting white?

In my opinion any race/religion that kills any other one is not "superior" - they just have more weapons and they cause terror in people's lives. So the main culprit here really are the weapon makers. They provide a means for these delusional people to go out and kill innocent people.

When I look at some of these white supremacist terrorists who are caught or shown in videos parading etc., there is nothing they are saying or doing that makes them superior. Just because you are white does not make you superior. Look at what you are doing - your actions are what make you superior. If you are not doing good for the society then you are not a good person. I know the white supremacist thinks they are doing good for their white people - but how? That is not clear to me.

In my opinion, wherever the white people have gone, they have caused only death and misery to that host country. They have killed indigenous people and caused them to become a minority in their own country, they have looted countries, they have displaced people by taking them as slaves.  They have forced indigenous people to change their religion, way of life and education. This has happened in African continent, Asian continent and in the South American continent. How much more damage are they going to cause? And now they think they are being suppressed? What a whole lot of BS.

The whole reason behind Brexit has been also the increased immigration into Britain. So British can go anywhere and invade but no one should come into Britain?? Also, why would anyone come there if there were no jobs in Britain. Which then means that the British did not want to do the jobs that the immigrants took. Same thing is happening in USA. The "white" Americans don't want to do certain jobs so they hire cheap labor from other countries and then they cry that their jobs are being taken away.

When I went through the green card process, my job had to be advertised and made sure that no American applicant was qualified for the job. And no one was! It means Americans are not qualified to do intellectual jobs, but they also don't want to do the non-intellectual ones. What do they want? The government to keep giving them money? If not, then get out there and work. There is always work for anyone who wants to work.

Back to white supremacy. This will not go away any time soon. Until the whites acknowledge that America is not theirs alone, it was founded on immigration. It really belongs to the natives who were here before the whites stepped on the continent and decided to decimate the natives. If they want a "white" country, maybe they should go back to Britain or Ireland or wherever they came from.

Acceptance - Trump - 4..5...whatever

I cannot believe the people of America can be so dumb so as to believe all the fake news.  But recently I have been reading a book that says you can train your brain to do anything. And one of that training is to believe a lie. Yeah! Weird eh!? The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we have forgiven someone for something terrible they did. The very honest truth is that no one can forgive. We learn to live with the "acceptance" that we cannot change the past - so we fool ourselves into believing that we have "forgiven" the person. This is a big lie.

That is what happened in this election.  All the people who have lost the coal jobs, the manufacturing jobs somehow believe that this man can bring them back are delusional. They want to believe....just because it gives them a sense of hope that they were not getting from the other side.  So whoever can speak to their "belief" is going to be their saviour.

The other big factor I felt was that Trump's whiteness and his golden hair (and his children's golden hair).  He is a story book character - all white and golden, rich, has his own plane, has a model for a wife etc etc....People somehow revere that more than honesty of a person. A lie told by this golden haired person was much more believable than a the truth spoken by a white woman.  I don't think white women realize that they are going to be a minority soon - especially in the work place.

So back to acceptance.  At this point, I have to accept that we will not have a sane person at the helm of USA.  We will have a rich person who only sees money and power.  The people on the way are just nuisance to be trampled on to get to his goal. Every time this man appoints a member of his cabinet there is an uproar in the press of negative things about that person.

We have to accept that things will not be normal.  This is the season of losers.  All the people who were losers in their campaigns or districts are now employable.  They were losers because of their bad policies - but now because of this one big loss for America, we will be led by the losers of all USA. All the policies will be extreme and not in the best interest of America - only in the best interest of the person in charge.  Unless the GOP wakes up and does something - which they will not, we really have nowhere to go. So best accept it - fight it if you can.....

My place in this world is so small right now. I feel powerless and hopeless to do anything. I have to wait for people in power to do the right thing.  But it is kalyug...one cannot hope for anything good.  As everyone says things will get worse before they get good.  I thought we had already been through that with Bush - but I guess there is more worse that USA has to see.

I will accept all the changes Trump is bringing.  He will not do anything good for the country, but people voted for him and he needs to do what he needs to do .....

Dear Zindagi - 2

So back to “Dear Zindagi”. The first connection I felt with Alia’s character was that I also don’t have a stable romantic relationship.  I have not had much of an intimate relationship with men.  The kind of men I have encountered in my life cannot be trusted and sadly none have stood up for me.  I have thought a lot about it in the last five years as to why I got a divorce and why I don’t have a partner in life.  I always come up with only two factors: 1) No one has ever been loyal to me.  I need someone who would be faithful. If I cannot trust the person then I cannot be with them and one way or another I will let that relationship die.  2) I have yet to meet a man who can handle me. I may not feel strong internally but I externally I come off as an independent, strong woman. It is possible that men cannot handle it.

Different women require different things from their spouses or romantic relationships – money, home, children etc., while some were married young and were more open to adjusting.  But for me it has always been loyalty and personal strength (confidence). And then I wonder why is that? If I was a little more flexible in my needs I would have stayed married or found someone. And this takes me back to how I grew up being betrayed all the time by the ones close to me.

There were so many times that I just wanted to run away from everything.  And even now, when I am living alone, I still want to run away from everything and everyone.

The second thing I could relate to from the movie was the feeling of being abandoned.

First I was happy that I did not have to be with my parents when they left me in India to study, but only later on I realized how wrong that decision of theirs was. No parent sends their 16 year old daughter away to another city - forget another country.  They did not send their son anywhere. I was left in care of relatives, but they were strangers to me. At that age I had to learn how to manage so many things.

The same thing happened with my PhD I did not know even what a PhD was. No one in my family had one. Only my MS professors had PhDs and none of us asked them how they got it or why or what to do with it.  A number of friends finished their Bachelors or Masters and got married.  But not me! I was going to do PhD. I was so proud! Only later I realized that my PhD had nothing to do with anyone caring about my higher education.  My father wanted to make sure that my brother had someone taking care of him during his education in USA.

All of this for me translated into: I was no good for anything except to make sure that my father's son was taken care of. Regarding my care, my parents would always say, "Oh she can take care of herself"! Sure!! They had only two responsibilities – one to educate me and one to find a nice family for me (as all Indian parents do for their daughters).  The first happened because I was capable of doing PhD and because they did not have to pay a penny for my PhD.  And they failed in the second one.

One might say – "Why are you complaining? You have a nice job, a house and you are independent."  That is true. That I am thankful for – but there is a gaping hole in my life that will never be filled.  And yes there are many girls whose life is tougher than mine – but I can compare myself only to my peers – all of whom are successful career woman with families and a support system.  I had to fight for everything myself.

There is always this feeling of abandonment, that everyone is going to leave me eventually (and I am not speaking about death).  No matter how much I do for anyone, eventually they will leave me when I need them. And most people have. This is not a feeling I felt one time...this is a feeling that keeps reinforcing continuously with experiences - I cannot ignore it. And the good for nothing husband did the same thing....he chose to leave me instead of fighting for me.

I felt really let down when I got married.  No one tried to stop the atrocity that was my marriage.  The guy was no where equal to me any way.  And in this day and age that should not have been the case.  And my parents should have known that they did not raise a Sati-Savitri.  But I could see from that time that I was always going to be alone.  During the two years that we were looking for a potential husband, my father showed me colors that I have not seen before.  I felt completely betrayed. By the time the “would be husband” came along – I was tired of fighting and explaining. I had given up. The loss was mine, and the lesson was mine too. I gave up on any support from my family at that point.

Now I have made myself such that I try to not let things affect me. I do what I have to do, need to do and should do, so I can live without any regrets.  But even that can be trying. I have to routinely deal with the negativity of my father, the general apathy from my mother and total lack of support from my brother.  Regardless of whether I can get love or not from family, one thing I will surely get is criticism.  There is no shortage of that.

One might say I am being dramatic – sure go ahead.  It’s my life and my experience. No one is going to come and live my life for me. When the times come, I have to handle things myself.  I decided what job was good for me, where I had to move, which house I had to buy etc.  I cannot count on anyone’s objective or caring feedback to give me the emotional and mental support I need. I cannot even count on telling anyone anything without them getting all judgmental on me. So now I just keep quiet about so many things.

One might ask – have you talked to your parents about this? My answer is why? There is no need to.  Everyone knows what they are doing. My parents are educated, mature individuals who have gone through a lot in their lives also.  They know exactly what they are doing and they don’t care for the consequences. One cares for the consequences only if one has something to lose.  The one time that I did not speak to them for a few months during my divorce, they drove 11 hrs from Detroit to Kansas City to see me.  And since then I don’t make them feel like they need to do reach out to me like that.  Regardless of how they behave with me, they are still my parents and if I can make their life easier, I will.  They don't really think I have anything to complain about so they will not understand my perspective...so no need to explain anything. Just keep living.......

Because of all this nonsense in my life – loyalty is above anything else to me.  My trust has been broken so many times that it is very hard to trust anyone.  Although I have to trust people in order to get anything done, but I have noticed that people are not all that dependable anymore.  Everyone is looking out for themselves. Their own purpose should be served, that’s all that matters.  Everyone for himself!! Sadly I don’t follow that philosophy so I will always have a hard time in life.

And that is why I want to disappear.....I really do.

Dear Zindagi - 1

So I saw this movie yesterday – “Dear Zindagi”.  It was not what I was expecting. In the movie, Alia Bhatt’s character is going through some hard times with her relationships – especially with men.  And she is shown as a strong, independent girl.  But because she is single she is kicked out of her housing and so must move in with her parents in Goa. Her emotions show that she has issues with them which has really shaped her character but we don't know what issues…. yet. By chance she is sitting in a hotel where there is a presentation on mental health going on. One of the speakers is our own very Shah Rukh Khan, a psychiatrist, speaking on what a taboo it is to seek and give mental health care.  Well, Alia starts seeking Khans’s professional help and little by little the story unravels as to why she is the way she is.

It is not a deep deep movie but it still brought up a lot of emotions for me.  I could really feel Alia’s pain since I have been there.  Most girls go through some or the other negative experience in their life – it could be eve teasing while shopping, having sexual advances made by relatives, coworkers or bosses and being abused emotionally, physically or mentally.  Lucky are the girls who have not experienced any of these! Most girls go through the negative behaviour without telling anyone – that would be a sign of weakness and/or they may end up losing a little bit of independence they might have. We suffer through it – it makes us who we are as a person and most times it will translate into how we handle our relationships.   The girls who have the most positive relationships are the ones who come from a set of parents who loved her.  These girls generally don’t know how to cook….that is how I know they were loved. If they cook they learned it on their own, not from their mothers.

Most of us like to suppress bad memories and relive the good ones for happiness sake.  We go through relationship issues but we don’t stop to think why? Everyone has issues – right? So its okay – it cannot be because of some childhood or growing up pain.  We would rather blame others or circumstances but never look inwards to think about why something happens to us, even if it might be a pattern.

Some of us talk to our friends and if we are feeling the same thing then our feelings are validated. But not always, in which case we might feel superior for suffering or inferior for not being able to handle things.  And in several cases, we don’t talk about everything – some things are too private to share.

We could talk to someone else…..someone who could give us objective advice and keep our secrets a secret but…..then see a psychologist? A psychiatrist?

Mental health is a taboo – everywhere.  At least now in America people know there is a problem so there are professionals to help. I know when I was going through my divorce, my friend, happened to be a counselor, really helped me balance my emotions.  And for the last 20 years I have seen a real openness about talking and dealing with mental health issues in USA.  Women go through it a lot more than men, maybe because our brains are wired to constantly keep thinking and we are by nature more emotional (hormones?).  But men are also susceptible to it – but again that is a taboo…

Mental weakness is a general sign of weakness in a person. Everyone needs counseling: career, medical, law, spiritual – then why feel guilty about mental counseling?

Of course, I don’t know the answers – but I do know that I have been thinking of getting counselling for the past two years but have not done it.  There are things we can talk about to our friends or parents or boss to try to get feedback, but there are so many things that we are just not ready to share with anyone.  For me I feel that I cannot even talk to myself about certain things because I will start to rationalize them….or justify them. And since it is only my brain giving all the answers – I will never get another perspective.

At this time I am left thinking more about what happened in my life that makes me behave the way I do.....

Acceptance

Having crossed the mid-point of my life there are a number of things I have taken stock of. Of course life does not end after mid-life – for some it becomes better. I don’t know what it is becoming for me….

I have always thought of myself as worldly, experienced, comfortable in dealing with diversity and most of all - fairly mature in my thinking. Through my years of education (through PhD) and now working for a number of years, I think I have seen and been through a lot things/events. My personal life has been always be series of turmoil. Just when I think I can breathe now, a storm comes and everything is back to chaos.

I want to believe there is higher power somewhere who is doing all this. I have always believed in destiny, because no matter how hard I try to prevent something from happening or want something to happen, it will not happen that way. For some reason, this higher power has decided that I don't ask for anything meaningful. Or that my life should go smoothly. Nope! All these ups and downs of my life are giving me nausea.

I also think there is a time and age for events to happen otherwise they don’t have the same meaning. Timing is everything in life.  At this point in time in my life, I have to learn to accept a number of things that I have and somethings that I will never have.  There are also human behavior that I have to come to terms with. So many people have come in my life and taught me so many different lessons; sadly most lessons are through negative experiences.  My life has not gone in any way that I had thought it would go; nor do I have the relationships that most people have.

In one of the most positive events: I had never imagined I would ever own a house! Fifteen years ago I was happy to own a car, and now this house - MY house - who knew??

Through all the positive and negative events – I have come to accept that:

•  People will lie – they will cheat. No matter which country I go to and however many new people I meet, there will always be liars in this world.
• People are selfish, they are all motivated by their own self-interest.
• I really cannot trust anyone. I have learned this the hard way. And I still keep learning this, because deep down I want to believe that people are good – but most times they just are not. 
• No matter where I work I will always have a nemesis. 
• I have always found one or two truly good friends wherever I have lived. They may not love me, but they will not do anything to hurt me either.
• The kindness of strangers is always there for me. I have found help in the darkest of my times from some really close friends and sometimes even strangers.  I really feel these are angels sent just to help me.
• I will never know some relationships….the time has gone…
• Life will go on, no matter how I feel today. It is up to me to get up and get going.  I am Arjun and I am Krishna – all in one.

I am reminded of a blog I wrote a while back on Anhinga - the beautiful bird of Florida. So yet again I am reminded that its all me.....I have everything in me - I just have to find it (that's the tough part!!) and accept it (also hard to do!)