Socializing in India

One of the things about coming to India is the social aspect.  Every time I come to India, I get to meet new people, learn about their life, make friends and then part. Sometimes we keep in touch, sometimes not.  Friendship is a two-way street. 

Here in Subharti, I have been able to keep myself socially active. Much more than what I would be in USA.  I am able to make friends in USA also, but sometimes it just feels superficial. Or maybe I have a different frame of mind here.  Or maybe it’s the language that binds us.  I don’t know.  Although I have made some nice foreign friends also in India while I was in DSVV. Maybe it’s just that I am relaxed and I have more time to talk to people.

My first friend I made was the girl who recharges the phone. My BLU phone was having trouble with the internet and she, and her brother in law, spent so much time in figuring out what was wrong with it. I was really grateful because I really needed the internet to use it as a hotspot for my computer. The next day I took her some Hershey’s as a thank you. And then we became friends.  She is quite sweet, and very nice. Her husband also sits in the same shop. I felt comfortable enough to ask them to bring some stuff for me (candy!). And they did – so sweet. I routinely go and see her during my evening walks.

Then I got to know the warden of the hostel. I had gone to see the Nivedita hostel and even though I had seen the rooms, the ladies working there said I should meet the warden. I was happy to. And we talked and she showed me this room, where I am staying now in Rani Durgawati and as they say – the rest is history.  We hit it off – she had no one to socialize with and I was, of course, new.  We routinely meet to go for walks, we have been shopping together and meet regularly. It’s nice to know she is there. The only problem is that being a warden is a 24-7 job, which for me sometimes is not suitable because I am free after 4 pm and on Sundays, whereas she is not. But still – a friend.

When I moved into the hostel, the first day, I met another young lady. She is going to college here to finish her MPhil in Education. She works part time at the hostel. very nice young woman – has the best smile and temperament I have seen in a long time. She is always in a good mood. I see her every day and we talk a bit and some days we have had a longer discussion on things. She has a very promising future.

And then there are my colleagues. One of them and I get along really well – we go for tea together. The only issue I have felt with her is that it is hard for me to get a word in the conversation and she speaks too fast! I have to be totally alert to talk to her.  The rest of the two women faculty are quite friendly with each other and one of them especially stays away from me. Don’t know why. Although she will reply my questions, but does not initiate conversation. That’s okay – I don’t mind it, but it just seems odd that she sticks with just this one faculty the whole time.

I, of course, had no idea when and who I would meet….for me whatever happens is good. After my first experience in India at Shantikunj, I have become more patient and have a good humor about everything that happens in India. The best part is that everything temporary, nothing is permanent. Even life is not permanent. What is the point of living and not enjoying all aspects of it? Even at the absurdity of life! What is the point of getting angry? Happiness is the key to life. And after living alone I have learned to find happiness within myself. There is no one else! I also don’t want to intrude into people’s lives, nor do I want their mess in my life.

I am grateful for anyone comes into my life without their personal dramas.  I cherish every new friendship and hope it lasts….

Frustration

Sometimes I think that the world is collapsing around me. No one could have it tougher than I have….what did I do in my life to deserve this? Is it ever going to get better? Why me??? 

I have been through this several times.  But then I have to make myself go on…there is no one else to help me out and get through these times, so best to have some strategy that works out.

One of my first instincts is to shut down.  I don’t want to talk to anyone.  For about a day or two I just think about the situation and feel bad or angry. I masticate on it, sleep (or not), and just try all the solutions on my own.  My next step is to talk to my good friends. I have some really good ones who I can talk to about certain problems. Different friends help out with different situations.  Most of my friends these days are from work and slowly we have become close.  I have also learned over time that my friends can help me only if I share my experiences with them – otherwise we will just be superficial friends.  So I do share with them!

Talking to my friends has always helped me. And of course we usually have friends who think like us. But luckily my friends have not been afraid to speak their minds to me and I have the comfort level to listen to their point of view.  And no matter what they say I still have to decide for myself. Although many times I have followed their advice and it has served me well. As I have always said, I am blessed to have good friends in my life.

Once I have talked to my friends then I take the necessary action to resolve my issue.  Usually by that time, I am on a path to some action or in the process of letting it go. 

There have been situations where I am my only friend. I depend on myself to make the right decision. It has been tough, but luckily I am not a hot head.  I am not impulsive. I do have anger issues but they are for sometimes really trivial things.  Usually when something really bad happens to me, I am very calm. Sadly.  My anger is quite passive aggressive – I will not talk for a while. I go into hiding. I never have shouting matches. I hate shouting.  Although I have been told that my tone is bad – but it always depends on who is listening. 

And generally somewhere between all this stuff, I think about all the people who are going through so much hardship in their life. The refugees who have had to leave their homes and now live in camps.  The veterans, who just serve their country but come back with not just physical but mental injuries. So many of them have to restart their lives.  All the women out there who don’t have even 5% of what I have. I think about the people who lived a good life but due to change in government were persecuted for their life style.

There is too much grief in this world.  Every day I have to think about all that is good in my life and move from there.

There will always be people who make will make me feel bad, little or meaningless, but they don’t control me. I am responsible for my own actions, my own character.  And eventually my own sanity. 

Where is my Life?

Things have not gone the way I wanted or imagined. Maybe a lot of people feel that way. But now that I have lived more than half my life, I can look back and think of what I have and what I could have had…and of course what I really wanted!

My first thought is always that I never thought I would be alone at this point in my life. I am and always will be a romantic and believe that there is a someone for everyone. But where is mine someone? All my life I have not even met anyone that I would want to be with. So what happened? Where did I miss my chance? Did I even have a chance to begin with? I will never know the answers to those questions.  I know I am still a romantic and always hope for the best.

I never thought I would be working this much! Of course not! I was supposed to be married and have someone else take care of me. I would have worked but given it up when I had children.  But none of that happened, so here I am working my behind off without any end in sight.

I never really wanted to have my own children because I believed in adoption. I also had no real desire to be a parent (have my own kids or adopted).  But according to the norms of life it was something that was going to happen …it happens to everyone – right? I took this for granted so much that I never thought it would not happen to me. I saw my friends and cousins, get educated and get married and having kids. Some were still working while some quit after kids. And that is how I thought my life would turn out to be. Well…destiny had other plans for me. For once my desire to never be a parent turned out to be granted to me.  There were some points in my life where I would really have a strong need to be a mother.  But now with years that has passed and I have no desire to be a mother anymore. 

I knew I would be working – for how long I did not know.  But what I did not anticipate was how challenging each work-place would be.  I always believe that we live life to improve ourselves to make us a better person and work towards a better life. That is how I wanted my work to be too. But it seems that I am only going downhill in life. There is no improvement in working conditions and my colleagues are getting worse to deal with.  Every place I have worked there has been that one challenging person in the department who has felt threatened by me. Why? I am such a low key person.  I like achieving goals, but I don’t take them away from anyone. I only do what other people don’t want to do, yet I have still be ostracized because of that. All of these nemesis have been women. Most of my sounding boards and supporters have been male colleagues. I was lucky to have them or I would have thought I was going crazy! This downhill work-place issue seems to be a never ending process. WHY? If destiny had decided that I was not going to have a home life why not give me a satisfying professional life?

I never thought I would be so socially isolated.  I have always had many friends. I enjoy their company and cannot imagine not socializing – even if it is for a short while. I have had all kinds of friends. Lately I am realizing that all my friends have turned into “phone” friends.  Most of my friends from other cities have become my true friends while where I live – West Palm Beach – does not have the kind of people I can socialize with.  WHY? Again – destiny!

I go through life sometimes thinking that I am living someone else’s life.  How can this be my life? There is no love, no happiness, no family, no friends, no professional satisfaction. there is nothing in my life that I thought I would have.  There is absolutely nothing in my life that gives me happiness. I just feel like an ant – just going out there, getting food and coming back.  There is not one thing that inspires me to keep going. I am just sitting on a Ferris wheel going round and round and round… and sometimes not even that – my situation has not stayed the same, it has only worsened.

I keep thinking next year will be different and my quality of life will improve.  Things do change but for me ... not for the better…..I am waiting……

ET

After a long time I am watching the movie, ET. Such a sweet movie. And as I am watching it, I feel like I am ET myself. I feel so out of this place. I don't know what this place, Earth, is. I don't feel that I belong here. All these people around me are like aliens. They look like me, but I cannot seem to connect with them. As time is going by I feel more and more alienated from this world.

I wish I could call "home" and have "my people" take me back to my planet. I don't know where it is - but it certainly is not Earth. The people here are mean, vicious, insulting, uncaring and unloving. They are more interested in hurting each other, see other fail rather than help each other succeed. I cannot imagine myself undermining anyone, lying or trying to make someone fail in their life. I would do everything to help anyone succeed. What's wrong with these Earth people? Why can't we believe in each other, help each other......

I feel like I am just looking for my own Elliot who can help me get home. That one connection who will make life fun, worth living, enjoyable and lovable....and finally get me home.

I just want to go home.....

Needs and Progress - 1

If we all stayed with the status quo there would be no progress in this world.

So many times, we say "just let it be" or "let it drag until it can" or "its always been done this way" and in hindi, "chalta hai" or "chalno do jaisa chal raha hai"....well, all these statements are of the people who are afraid of change; people who cannot see beyond their little world.

Why do we let the status quo stay? The biggest reason is - we are afraid.

• Afraid of what exists if that status is changed.
• Afraid of being the one who causes the change - because there is no doubt that a person who brings about change will stand out and be noticed. 
• Afraid whether our decision is right or not. 
• Afraid that we might have to stand alone.

So really the biggest deterrent of action is .... we are afraid of change.

People will stay in bad relationships, bad jobs, bad homes, cities where there is no opportunity to do anything...all because they are afraid of change. Why are people so afraid of change? (There are several books out there regarding this topic - most popular that I know of is "Who Moved my Cheese?")

• They lack self confidence - If one does not have self confidence, comfort in one's own ability and intelligence then it will be hard to take that risky step. One should have the confidence in themselves to push oneself through hard times, or different times.
• Lack of family support - we have always been taught "family is everything" "blood is thicker than water" etc...Sure. That is all good, but where are they when you need support? Sometimes they are the ones pulling you down.  Depending on your own nature, they might be tired of supporting you all the time, because you are a loser or troublemaker. But other than that, family also likes to have their own traditions and way of life. It is hard for them to look beyond those to help a family member who may want to try something different. They are also afraid of having a black sheep in the family, even though that black sheep is really just trying to live his dreams or just doing the right thing or just trying to make life a little happy themselves.
• Lack of financial support - we need money to do certain things. If the financial backing is not there, then things don't get done.
• Burden of responsibility - in some cases we are so burdened with responsibility that we just have to keep going on the usual path - there is no time to take that risky step to be creative or be happy.

And then there are always going to be people who don't mind the status quo. They are comfortable in it. "My friends did it, so I will also be okay doing it"; "This is how its always done"; "Why should I try something new". Or they will convince themselves that there is nothing better out there.

I will take marriage as an example since I had a poor one myself and have seen all kinds of relationships among my friends. Ask a man why he married his wife and he will say, "Everyone has to get married, so I got married too," (that is what my ex husband proudly said!!) Or he will say, "She can take care of me and my house....," meaning a housewife. It is certainly possible that he is genuinely satisfied with those qualities and he got married because everyone does. The most common reason for this is because he has not seen it any other way. His mother was that way, his female relatives are all that way, his friends wives are also all housewives...so yea sure - that is how it is and it is okay. And for most part it is okay......until.....they meet someone who has it different.  His friend married for love, his wife is involved with all aspects of his life - personal and professional, both take care of the house and both can talk about issues that are important in their lives etc. And suddenly he may realize - "This is better. I could have had it too. I did not realize this was possible." And then the unrest begins; the relationship starts going bad; people start lying to each other, the husband starts looking outside to fulfill his needs.....and the poor wife may or may not be clueless about what is going on. On the other hand, he may still be happy with what he has - a housewife - because that is all he wanted in life. His does not need more than that.

The same happens for jobs status. We get stuck in a rut of a job because we are too afraid to make the move for a better opportunity. We think, "At least I am getting some money", "At least I have some status here", who knows what it will be if I move? The "at least" gets us down. It brings a sense of comfort to us....
I am commuting 2 hours to work - at least I am getting some money.
I am living at home with my parents - at least I have a home to live in.

This "at least" breeds the status quo. Once we convince ourselves that this is the best there can be - then we get into the rut of life. Then there is no progress.

So coming back to needs and progress: Our Needs Drive Our Progress. If we satisfy ourselves with the minimum needs and don't ask for more, then there is no progress in our life, in the society, in the world.  We will continue to be mediocre in life.  Great things happen only come when people take risks in their lives.

In order to see progress in our lives, we have to increase our need level, we have to ask "What more is there?" - once you start needing more from life, you will start asking questions, you may start seeing opportunities that will get you where you want to go. I do want to mention that your need level should be within your values and morals. No one person's needs should cause someone else to suffer. My needs should bring about a positive change not just for me, but for everyone.

One last thing to say about needs is the need for Romance. Yes Romance. Where does this fit in? When I am in love I feel I can achieve anything. It gives me the power, the drive, the confidence, the motivation, the support and most importantly the pure happiness that is needed for life to go on.  I will need more so I would be more willing to change when I am in love. Falling in love is a risky behavior in itself - we make ourselves more vulnerable to emotions...but that is another blog.  In love may mean different things to different people; it may not just mean love between two adults - it could also be the love of a child, the love of a sibling or parents. Of course there is no doubt that the love between two consenting adults is the major factor here.  It is driving force for a lot of creativity.....so many artists, authors and creators have been so because of some love they lost or found.

So....don't accept the status quo. Find the romance in your life that gives you the need to become better for yourself, become better for your family and eventually for the community. That will also increase your happiness index.

Growing Ginger

As I am approaching mid life, I am thinking what have I created in my life? And really the answer is: a big fat nothing. I don't have kids, I don't care for having pets and my green fingers are practically non existent. I am not planning to have any kids now or getting any pets, so I thought I would give growing plants a shot.

"Raat Ki Raani at my home"

For the past five years, since I have had a house, I have felt like experimenting on growing something. I planted a few plants in my little garden outside, but everything died - don't know what happened.  Even something as easy to grow as mint, which everyone says is a weed, did not grow for me. I was losing hope.  Then I last year I planted "raat ki raani" (queen of the night), and went on my summer vacation. When I came back, it has grown beautifully and was flowering! Success!! For the first time, I felt that I could try something out.

Ginger on the Big Island of Hawaii

Two months ago, I bought some ginger from the grocery store. It was fresh and had some green growth on it, as if it wanted to grow. So I thought - why not! Ginger flowers are one of my favorite flowers...they are beautiful and so colorful. I saw them for the first time in Hawaii and since then just wanted to have them in my house. I don't know what color the flowers would be in this plant but it has been a pleasure to see it grow. 

So to continue on....I  took the ginger root and buried it just under the soil of in a small planter. And I watered, and I placed it in the sun. It got plenty of sun and water and it started to grow.....Oh! I was thrilled! I took pictures as it was growing...enjoy the photos below. No flowers yet. And then all of a sudden, I see two more shoots coming out of the soil.  Okay!! Now I have a small piece of happiness! I thought there would be only one plant, but now I am curious to see the new growth.

just starting......

First leaf....

Second leaf....I think I can grow this! 

Its on its way now. 

Two month old now....

New shoots .... my little bit of happiness

Debt from friends - the most evil thing

Search for debt quotes and you will find many. Some are funny some teaching the life lessons, but never one saying that debt is of any good to anyone. Debt is not good and one should avoid it at all costs. One should learn to live within one's means as much as possible. Of course there are circumstances where one would need money or things but that debt should be taken care of as soon as possible.

I had never been in debt until I bought my house five years ago. Now I have a debt for few years...but of course I have my house also!

I have never understood how people ask for money. I have lived with very limited money for most part of my life. Until I was 16, I did not really need to have money, my parents were fulfilling all my basic needs. I did not have interests or hobbies or passions that required me to ever ask for any money. I was content with what I had - I never had any "needs".

When I was in India from 16-20 years of age, 2 years in the hostel and 2 years at home with my aunt and uncle. All my fees was paid for by my parents. I would get a limited amount of cash each month, which I would use for the cafeteria fees, or transportation, both of which sucked up all the money I had. I was always able to get all my books and study items. I would have very little left over for maybe a nail polish bottle or some junk food :-)

But during all these four years I never borrowed any money....AND I never loaned any money to anyone either (in the hostel there were a few girls who were in the bad habit of asking for money!)

Things did not get much better in Ph.D. I got a steady paycheck for four years as part of my teaching assistant-ship. I was living with my brother and had rented an apartment. My brother was also the money manager, I had no worries to pay rent or bills. We were not living in luxury, but slowly we managed to get all that we needed. I don't think we had much savings!

And then I got my first job and moved out on my own! Oh what a shock that first year was for me. I had to maintain my bank balance and pay all the bills, twice or thrice my check bounced! Damn! I ended up buying furniture that I later could not get rid of when I had to move from Buffalo. That was my learning experience - and I was 25 years old. I had to move back in with my brother. He helped me store all my things in a storage and paid for it. And I thought to myself - NEVER AGAIN!!

I got my second job in Vancouver, Canada. It was not high paying, but my frugality was at a high level. I saved money like anything! I did not have much belongings and did not care to have much either. I wanted to make sure that when I was moving back to USA, I would have enough money to start on my own.

Once I started my permanent job in Kansas City I was all set. My pay was not high, but I had vowed to myself that I would NEVER borrow money, never owe anyone anything. So I just saved saved and saved. There is no doubt that I would need help - the non financial kind - which I could only return with my love and by being a loyal friend. I have always been there for my friends.

The few months that I was in financial trouble and without a job, I realized what it was like not to have money. A feeling of helplessness sets in. But it also taught me the importance of financial management. It also taught me to live within my means. I always live within my means. Only now - after working for so many years, I feel that I am comfortable enough to help other people in need. But I still don't loan money to friends - I think money breaks friendships.

I have loaned money to family - and that is different. But loaning money to friends has been out of question - until recently. I could not refuse someone. I don't think they were my friend or even cared about me, but I cared about them, so I loaned them money. Well....as expected, things have gone south from there. It has been really tough for me. (And that is why I don't give money to anyone except family).

I don't know how people ask me for money when they don't even care about me. Actually, I don't know how people ask for money from friends - period. I never would - and I hope I never have to. I would live within my means as much as I can. But of course I can never presume what other people's lives and tribulations are that cause them to ask for money.

Debt is an evil thing. The very short time I felt I was under debt was the worst for me. Maybe people think it is normal to ask people for money - but for me it is just not a good philosophy. Banks are for asking for loans - not friends.

A debt free life is the happy life!

Habit

I don't have to define what a habit is. We all know it is something we develop over time. There are the good habits and bad ones. And of course we also know that "old habits die hard".

People become attached to their habits and treasure them as if their habits are their identities.  Without their habits they are nothing.  When in reality those habits might be preventing them from having good relationships, achieve their goals in life or just having a good life.

We all know habits are formed by repetitive tasks. Like taking a shower in the morning or brushing teeth before going to bed. We start cultivating these habits because we think they help with our routine and are good in the long run. We get uncomfortable or feel incomplete when we are unable to do these repetitive tasks. We seem to think that we can't live without them, but in reality we will be just fine.

We have similar feelings for bad habits. We think we are being really unique by being a curmudgeon and grumpy person.  If we are not grumpy then for some reason we are not ourselves.

Just like habits we also become accustomed to the people in our lives. They also become our "habits" in life. We grow up with our parents and siblings so we know their habits, some of which we emulate and for some we do a 180, because we hated that particular habit. Slowly we develop our own personality and habits in life.

Then comes marriage - we are expected to live with a stranger who comes with their own habits and personality. But as time passes we get used to them also. We develop habits to accommodate theirs, and some may miss even those habits which they find irritating, when the person is away.  We become like that frog who is heated slowly in water and does not realize that he is being killed slowly by the rising temperatures.

Some habits are imposed by the society. These make you socially acceptable. To live in the society you have to follow certain rules; if you don't, you become a social pariah. This wonderful society is such that it will do everything to keep you submissive and under control.  It will do nothing to uplift you and make you free and independent. Only we ourselves can convince ourselves to do anything, be it good or bad.  We can live in a bad situation and tell ourselves that being in that situation is the right thing to do. We are afraid to change our habit, our norm and/or break free of culture. This is what the society wants or my family wants so this is what I will do. Everyone does it, so I will also do it.  We convince ourselves of this so much that that we then develop a habit to live in that situation.  However, if that habit is imposed on us (and its not our choice) then that situation will eat us from inside, we will deteriorate in health, happiness and quality of life.

In reality, habits can be changed, situations can be changed. And sometimes we change them without even knowing we have. We change our habits because we want to keep that job or because we want to stay married or keep our friendships and relationships. Sadly sometimes people equate changing ones habits with compromise. Why should it be considered a compromise if one is leading a happier and more satisfied life? So long no one is being taken advantage of, I think changing one's habits (compromise) is a good way to live life.

I believe that we are given life to improve ourselves, live a happy life and try to make everyone around us happy too. If we can't make people around us happy, then at least don't make them miserable. As we go about living our life, we should try to develop habits which

• free us - not limit us
• make us have a better personality - not make us unbearable
• improve us in health and wealth - not deteriorate us
• make us feel happy - not sad or angry
• improve our relationships - not isolate us

I just hope that I don't get stuck on any habit that I cannot change for all the reasons above.

So I would urge anyone who reads this to not get stuck on that habit, or person or societal norm that makes you unhappy. Have the confidence and self determination to change, learn to be happy and have a good life. Our failures are remembered only if we become successful from them, otherwise our failure is only ours to bear.

Expectations in Life

Our expectations from other people and their expectations from us are the cause of most emotional upheavals in our lives. All of us expect certain things from certain people and if those expectations keep on meeting then we take them for granted.  But if those expectations are not met then we will always blame the other person; not ourselves.

In Bhagvat Geeta, Krishna tells us to just do our work and deeds (karm) as we are supposed to and not expect anything in result or think about the outcome of those deeds.

Well....this is one of the hardest things to do.

Our whole life is motivated by having goals in life and meeting them. When we fulfill our goals we feel a sense of accomplishment and the motivation to go on further to the next goal. If we don't meet our goals then we feel like a failure and it takes a lot of effort to get up and try again or go on to another goal.

Expectations are fundamental to our being. As soon as you perform an act, there is some expectation of result. It can be as simple as when I am thirsty and I drink water, my thirst should be quenched (that was the goal).  When I go to teach my students, I expect them to learn and do well on their exams.  It is tough for me to accept that there will be no result from my hard work. Even a mother, who is expected to have selfless love for her children, expects them to take care of her in her old age. 

Same goes for all people in our lives. We expect something in return from people because they are sensible and should know that one should always give back if you have received something. We don't even excuse strangers! We expect even strangers to be kind to us because obviously why would they be rude to us? They don't even know us! So if someone does not hold open the door for us after going through it, we think - how rude!

As part of my happiness training I am also learning to let go of this "expectation". It has been hard to do, but I am teaching myself to let go. As time is passing by I am gaining a lot of relief and a general feeling of lightness. There is no weight on me of emotions that used to weigh me down because I am waiting for someone to do something for me.

So how am I doing this -  expecting less from others and meeting other people's expectations?

The first thing I tell myself is everyone is born with their destiny - as am I. So I have to keep doing what I am supposed to do and let the other person do what they do. I cannot control their actions. I have to believe that there is a higher power somewhere keeping an account of all this (as said in Bhagvat Geeta).  There is also an English saying, "what goes around comes around", which most people think happens in this life, but Hindus believe happens over multiple lives (reincarnation).

Doing the "right thing" is not always easy, we make the best decisions given our circumstances, our values and our intelligence. Keeping that thought in mind, I keep doing what my heart tells me to do (and my heart is usually right). I don't have many regrets in life. I am certain I have hurt people during my life but I can only hope they have moved on in their lives.

The harder part is when someone expects something of me and I am not able to fulfill that. I feel bad when I find out that I was supposed to do something and I did not do it.  Most times people don't really tell what they are expecting of me, they think that I should just know.  I am very careful in what I do and how I behave but I am certainly not a mind reader. Being able to fulfill others' expectations is part of what is called emotional quotient. Higher EQ scoring people are more self aware, have more empathy and tend to manage their situations well. All this leads to living a more emotionally fulfilled life. These days it is considered better to have a higher EQ than IQ.

I will have to do more study in Psychology to know if we are born with certain EQ and IQ or it changes over time. From what I have seen in people is that some things never change, but the educator in me says that EQ can be improved by our experiences and by training ourselves to observe more. But then again, many things never change.....

So the part about meeting other people's expectations has to do with high EQ. Higher EQ people will know what to say (or not), when to say and what to do (or not) in a given situation.  That is why a number of the older generation people who never had any formal education, were still "wise" because they knew what to do and when to do it - that was their high emotional quotient. (Click here to take a simple - about 15 questions - quiz to see how you do on your EQ). I will not tell you whether I scored high or not :-)

Sometimes we are just not able to meet other people's expectations because their expectations will never end. Its just one thing after another and another.....At that point I just have to say, "Enough", I am done with this now. I have, in my own ways, found a way to get around these people otherwise they will completely drain me of everything I have.

With self education and patience we can all coexist happily for the short time that we are on earth.

I have not written much about taking people for granted....that will be another blog.

Happiness - Privilege or Right? Part II

Personal Happiness: This is what I am really getting to from my previous blog on Happiness.  How does one live a life in which you feel happy, you feel you have achieved something, you feel you have not let yourself down, and you are at peace with yourself?  As I am growing older I am realizing there is no way I can make everyone happy. So I have resolved to make just one person happy - ME! I have also realized that if I am happy I am a nicer person, I have less burden of the world on my shoulders and it is easier for me to make other people happy.
(Again - I am sure there are tons of book on happiness - but this is my blog!)

I am not always happy - obviously! But I am training myself, slowly.  And I have seen some good results from my self-training.  So....What have I done to stay happy?

Well first I must say that it has taken a long time for me to let me feel what I feel. We (including me) tend to feel what other people want or expect us to feel.  One has to have the self confidence and faith in themselves to let themselves feel what they naturally want to feel; or one will be leading a fake life.  I have had to let go of a lot of emotions, a lot of negativity and some responsibility (in a responsible way).

So these days this is what I do...

• I take care of my health - I diet and exercise to a point where I feel satisfied, not to satisfy anyone else - just me.
• I make sure that my "career" is taken care of.  My job is what is paying the bills and helping me live the life I want; so I make sure that I don't slack off there.  I do what I am supposed and more if I can - but only if I want to. I don't let the petty day to day events get me down.
• I have hobbies that help to occupy my mind so it does not wander off into the negative world.  I keep my hands and mind busy with crochet, writing or cooking. And occasionally cleaning! 
• Try to do something new at least once a month. It could be something as small as trying a new recipe, or learning a new software - variety is the spice of life. So I always keep learning.
• I don't take responsibility for other people's actions anymore. This was a hard one. I used to keep feeling that I was somehow responsible for how the other person was talking to me or behaving towards me. But in time I have come to realize - everyone has their own life to live, their own destiny, their own sense of well being.  I will not hurt anyone deliberately but I will not take responsibility if someone loses their temper for no reason at all. I will walk away from negativity.
• I don't expect other people to make me happy. It is not their responsibility. I am responsible for my own feelings. And the truth is that so many people do make me happy! 
• I surround myself with people I like, people I care about (and who also care about my well being), people I can enjoy life with, laugh with (and sometimes vent with). The more positive, creative and good people I have in my life the better I feel.  I don't feel obligated to hang out with negative people just because I "have to". I have friends because I want them in my life.  I don't want people around me who suck the life out of me. My contact with such people is minimum.
• I volunteer my time - giving back to the community always makes me feel like I belong in this world and I am making a difference even though it might be minuscule. Time is a valuable gift to give - more than money, so I always make sure I give my time to organizations whose mission I believe in. 
• I travel - what a waste of life if one has not seen the creation! Traveling opens up minds and hopefully hearts! At least for me it has. I enjoy it, I see it as a personal growth. It is culturally enriching and intellectually satisfying to learning about other countries and cultures. 
• Read read read - books take us through so many adventures. So let the imagination fly. I love reading! 

My work is still not done.  There is always this nagging feeling of - if I had just "this" more I would be happy.  When I fill in the blank with "this" then I think I will want "that", then once I have "that" it will be "something else".  The wish list will never finish.  So I have to learn to just enjoy my life and the world as it is at present with all that it has to offer me and vice verse.

Even great sages have to go off for meditation to rejuvenate and come back to spread wisdom.  So there is no harm making a little time for yourself when you see yourself sinking. (Yes, I am saying there is a great person in each of us who has something to offer to this world!)

Are you happy? Do you permit yourself to be happy? I don't know! It is up to you to figure that out for yourself. Believe in yourself, know who you are and live the life that YOU want to live not what someone else wants for you (that would be a fake life). Do all the little things that make you feel good from the inside - it could be as little as opening the door for someone. But do it. Make small changes to the positive side of the life.

If you are happy then the world will seem beautiful, everything will seem to be in harmony, problems will seem to be meaningless and you will try and make other people happy! You can make other people happy only if you are happy from the inside.  And don't be that fake happy where you are smiling outside but are sad or irritated inside.

I would say happiness is a right. No one should take that right away from you. And you should exercise your right to be happy. I know sometimes sacrifices have to made - but then make them consciously and with full acceptance so you don't regret it.  Be happy with your decision for your sacrifice and learn to enjoy it.

Be happy - inside out.

Happiness - Privilege or Right? Part 1

Be happy...
Stay happy...
Hamesha khush raho (always be happy - a very common Indian blessing)
Happiness is the key of life...

What the heck is this happiness? And why does everyone want you to be happy (yet in some ways not also).  My thinking is that happiness is a state of mind where you feel you have no problems, you are at peace with the world and everything feels good.

How to be happy? One only has to Google it and find so many resources on how to be happy! There has be a conscious effort to be happy and stay happy. Most of us are not happy because

• we may not be valued at work
• other people are not happy with us
• we did not get what we wanted
• we can't seem to please anyone
• we have so many responsibilities and we are too stressed to be happy
• nobody is listening to us
• someone did not recycle the paper! They just threw it in the trash!
• and so on............

Even the smallest incident in our life becomes a huge mishap and thus a cause of unhappiness. So really....we don't give ourselves permission to be happy because we have surrounded ourselves with so many issues. 

Then there is this whole other factor of this world where everyone says you should try be happy but no one really wishes it for the other by heart. Because what will they do if you are happy and they are not! Misery loves company - right?

Happiness seems to be a very fleeting emotion. It seems that as soon as one is happy someone else comes and takes it away - not to make themselves happy, but just so that you are not. Again, it is as if they they are saying how could "YOU" be happy when "I" am not? Or how could YOU have something that I don't have?  And there are so many people who suck away the happy feeling.

So even though people can be happy they are afraid to show their happiness lest others get jealous,  or ruin it by saying something petty and selfish, or sucking it away.

So why do we wish "Happy" everything when we really don't mean it?  I don't have the answer to that question. Or maybe everyone surrounding us is just pretentious.

What are some of the reasons that people are not happy? (I know there are gazillion books out there on this topic - but this is my blog and my take on things!)  Here are just some of the reasons I can think of right now. In my Part II of this blog I focus more on the self.

Happiness at Home: I should not pretend to have authority on this since I don't live with anyone :-) Although from all the divorces, affairs and marriage counselors out there I can take a quick guess. We spend majority of our time at home. So if there is no harmony at home - from the spouse, children, extended family and living conditions then there will be constant irritants in life. This is also the hardest to change because how do you change your situation which was made permanent by a vow or by blood?  In my case, living alone has given me the freedom to make changes and live my life as I want to; it has given me a different perspective on things. Although in both cases (living single vs family) I feel fate/destiny is responsible. I have noticed some people are just sad and they will contine to live a sad life whether they are single or in a family.  They cannot seem to make the small changes in life that can give small happy moments. They almost seem afraid of life.

Happiness at Work: This is where we spend the second big part of our life. We are considered more successful not by the quality of our personal life, but by the number of promotions we get or the pay raise that we get at work. If you get a promotion/recognition you must be good otherwise you are lacking something.  It also means that whatever you do at work is never going to be sufficient; there is always one more step to go, one more promotion to have and then another and another.....If there are no more promotions at the current job then you are advised to change jobs and start moving up the ladder in a new place....or why don't you start your own company? There is no end to this. So we spend our lives trying to attain the unattainable. How can we be happy? And then to top it all off when we are the pinnacle of our career we are supposed to retire! Well...there goes all the hard work - what am I supposed to do now?

Of course all the above is not true for anyone who loves their work, enjoys it and finds happiness in it. And these are people who have a pleasant disposition and are a joy to work with.

Happiness from Parents: I don't know how many parents are completely satisfied with the lives of their children.  As soon as one becomes a parent, there is no other job for them but to take care of the children, make sure they study well, get into the right career path, settle well in life with a good partner, have children of their own.........the list goes on.  Which means there is no end to the desires there.  All parents in the world believe they have sacrificed so their children could have a good life. All parents - even the drunk father or the absent mother. So they have a right to expect something in return from their children. All that sacrifice has to be paid back by meeting the parents' expectations.  Tough luck!! Hardly any children can meet those expectations so the cycle of low self esteem and of getting no acknowledgment goes on.  There goes that happiness in the dumps!!

Selfish Happiness: I also want to point out that some people are so much into their own happiness, self-gratification and convenience that they overlook their responsibilities. I consider such people to be selfish. That happiness which leads to other people being inconvenienced, made fun of, or not taken care of (if you are responsible for them) is not happiness - that is selfishness.