Growing Ginger

As I am approaching mid life, I am thinking what have I created in my life? And really the answer is: a big fat nothing. I don't have kids, I don't care for having pets and my green fingers are practically non existent. I am not planning to have any kids now or getting any pets, so I thought I would give growing plants a shot.

"Raat Ki Raani at my home"

For the past five years, since I have had a house, I have felt like experimenting on growing something. I planted a few plants in my little garden outside, but everything died - don't know what happened.  Even something as easy to grow as mint, which everyone says is a weed, did not grow for me. I was losing hope.  Then I last year I planted "raat ki raani" (queen of the night), and went on my summer vacation. When I came back, it has grown beautifully and was flowering! Success!! For the first time, I felt that I could try something out.

Ginger on the Big Island of Hawaii

Two months ago, I bought some ginger from the grocery store. It was fresh and had some green growth on it, as if it wanted to grow. So I thought - why not! Ginger flowers are one of my favorite flowers...they are beautiful and so colorful. I saw them for the first time in Hawaii and since then just wanted to have them in my house. I don't know what color the flowers would be in this plant but it has been a pleasure to see it grow. 

So to continue on....I  took the ginger root and buried it just under the soil of in a small planter. And I watered, and I placed it in the sun. It got plenty of sun and water and it started to grow.....Oh! I was thrilled! I took pictures as it was growing...enjoy the photos below. No flowers yet. And then all of a sudden, I see two more shoots coming out of the soil.  Okay!! Now I have a small piece of happiness! I thought there would be only one plant, but now I am curious to see the new growth.

just starting......

First leaf....

Second leaf....I think I can grow this! 

Its on its way now. 

Two month old now....

New shoots .... my little bit of happiness

Manipulative Behaviour

When someone, with an ulterior motive, tricks you into believing something, usually to serve their own purpose.

(http://www.preaching.org/manipulation/)

I think this one trait that I can live without. This also is one of those behaviors that I think people are born with. One would really have to train too much to take advantage of others, especially if one has a conscience.

I have met manipulative people in my life - and oh my God! I so wish I had not! They drained me emotionally, mentally and physically. I felt sick for years after meeting such people. I still have such people in my life. They are very hard to work with and talk to.  And they make me physically sick. I get stressed out just protecting myself from their manipulative claws.

Nothing that comes out of the mouths of these people is reliable or trustworthy. It is so tiring to try and figure out what is real and what is fake that after a while I just give up - nothing is real. Which means, what is the point of talking to such people? I don't know when they are speaking the truth and when they are trying to manipulate me into doing something that will benefit them.

What are the traits I have found of manipulative people:

• They are very charming and have a wonderful personality - I always think - Wow! this person is amazing!! What a personality!
• They can lie so smoothly that I cannot tell the difference between their truth and fib.
• They make me feel guilty if I don't agree with them or do as they want me to.
• They will bring moral and the "right thing to do" issue if I disagree with them (of course their own motives are not being questioned here!!)
• They will never do anything for me - they are too busy with their own agenda.

My advice to anyone in such relationship is to try to recognize it sooner than later. Although it is hard, but some things start become obvious quite soon. The problem is that most of us, myself included, think:

• people cannot be like this, 
• they would not do this to me, 
• I am different - this person cares about me (not realizing that such care is self-serving)
• I am smart enough to handle this kind of person - when the time comes I will back off, protect myself. But reality is - I got in too deep before I could get out.

So really - the closer one gets the harder one falls. It hits you one day and you realize- "Oh my God! I meant nothing to this person. All that sweet talk and behavior was just a sham!" And when I think back and analyze what happened, there was always something that such manipulative people wanted from me. They just played with my emotions and got what they wanted, without giving a second thought to how I would feel. They can easily walk away from such relationships as they did not have much invested to begin with - they always knew what they wanted and it was not me or my happiness.

I have seen my own family and friends get manipulated by another. It was so sad to see how one of them was speaking the tone and behaving exactly how the manipulator would. It was so obvious. And there was nothing I could do, just watch how one was the puppet and the other the puppet master - pulling the strings. Of course the puppet master holds the strings as long as they can. They have strength in numbers, they get a second voice to support their own distorted one. The poor puppet does not realize what is happening.

It is hard to break free of such manipulative people - but I have! There is a lot of grief involved. I had to be ready to give up that relationship for good. This takes a lot of strength, self confidence and independence.  There was definitely a sense of loss of a relationship for me; something that could have been pure and beautiful was now no more. Who knows if the manipulator misses the relationship? They are very focused on their targets that its possible they don't.

Despite my breaking free of the manipulators, they still try to hurt me with guilt or make me lose my cool by saying emotional things. And each and every time it takes a great strength for me to stand up for myself, and say to myself, "NO MORE! I will not not get manipulated by this person again."

Actions Speak Louder than Words

I have always been a believer that you should let your actions speak for you. You can think all you want, but until you manifest them into actions - who knows what you are thinking? And who knows how long you will keep thinking? :-)

Life is short - you have to do everything in a given amount of time. The sooner you start acting on your thoughts the better. Once the time is gone then you can do or say whatever, it is not going to matter anymore. Timing of that action is as important as the action itself.  If someone needs a doctor now - whats the point of bringing the doctor tomorrow?

I know my actions will not betray me. Sometimes I have to do things under pressure or because of obligation, but most times I am doing something for someone because I want to, because I care for them or I have feelings for them. For me my words are my actions. Once I say I will do something for someone - I do it. Its a promise. Especially if I know that my action is important to them - I will not back off.  There have been very few people I have found who keep their word. Most people will back out at the last minute or say all sorts of things but have no intention of following through.

There is so much deception in the world that sometimes even actions are not all that honest. People have ulterior motive for doing things for other people.

The biggest aspect about an action is that it is visible. One can see it happening (unlike thoughts...who knows what you are thinking? and words...who knows if you are lying?) The second key thing is that a number of these actions are expected of people! I have a whole other blog on expectations - so I will not repeat it here. But simply said, even a mother expects from her children in return for all the pain she went through. So all other relationships compared to between mother and child are just fragile.

Actions are expected of the educated person. If someone is illiterate, they have a valid excuse to not know about certain behaviors (although I have seen that sometimes the most affectionate people are the poorest ones! I think all they have to give is love.) But an educated person not doing what he or she should be doing is borderline criminal.

Actions and expectations go hand in hand. As a father your expectation is to take care of your children, make sure they are well provided for and happy. As a friend your expectation is to be there for your friend.  Anyone can be there during happy times, but are you there during the tough ones? (I have written many times on friendship).

It is very hard to trust someone when they keep saying they will do something but don't; or pretend to be friends or care for you, but at the first moment of need - they are gone. The saddest part of all is that no matter if they are there for me or not, they still expect that I should be there for them. And yes - personal experience - I have been lectured about "what I should be doing regardless" or "what kind of a friend are you?" It is also hard to reason with such people because their minds are made up. They are very clear in their justifications. They will have all these grandiose expectations from others - BUT - when it comes to them - all bets are off! And suddenly I find myself standing alone.

Sometimes I don't even have to DO anything - my just being there for someone is the biggest action of all. My presence is enough for someone to know that I care for them and that I support them. A call, an email - some thoughtfulness is also an action of my presence in their life. Most people don't know how to be present for someone also.

Acting on time, doing the right thing, meeting people's expectations - these are the traits of a responsible person.

But when I routinely find myself standing by myself, then I wonder if others even recognized or acknowledged what I did for them. (I have written a blog on acknowledgement also!) All my being present, my listening, my doing things for them was all for nothing. My actions were meaningless.

I would suggest to anyone who wants to work on maintaining relationships that you act on your positive feelings, do good for people and act on time. Once that time is gone its gone....its never coming back.

Debt from friends - the most evil thing

Search for debt quotes and you will find many. Some are funny some teaching the life lessons, but never one saying that debt is of any good to anyone. Debt is not good and one should avoid it at all costs. One should learn to live within one's means as much as possible. Of course there are circumstances where one would need money or things but that debt should be taken care of as soon as possible.

I had never been in debt until I bought my house five years ago. Now I have a debt for few years...but of course I have my house also!

I have never understood how people ask for money. I have lived with very limited money for most part of my life. Until I was 16, I did not really need to have money, my parents were fulfilling all my basic needs. I did not have interests or hobbies or passions that required me to ever ask for any money. I was content with what I had - I never had any "needs".

When I was in India from 16-20 years of age, 2 years in the hostel and 2 years at home with my aunt and uncle. All my fees was paid for by my parents. I would get a limited amount of cash each month, which I would use for the cafeteria fees, or transportation, both of which sucked up all the money I had. I was always able to get all my books and study items. I would have very little left over for maybe a nail polish bottle or some junk food :-)

But during all these four years I never borrowed any money....AND I never loaned any money to anyone either (in the hostel there were a few girls who were in the bad habit of asking for money!)

Things did not get much better in Ph.D. I got a steady paycheck for four years as part of my teaching assistant-ship. I was living with my brother and had rented an apartment. My brother was also the money manager, I had no worries to pay rent or bills. We were not living in luxury, but slowly we managed to get all that we needed. I don't think we had much savings!

And then I got my first job and moved out on my own! Oh what a shock that first year was for me. I had to maintain my bank balance and pay all the bills, twice or thrice my check bounced! Damn! I ended up buying furniture that I later could not get rid of when I had to move from Buffalo. That was my learning experience - and I was 25 years old. I had to move back in with my brother. He helped me store all my things in a storage and paid for it. And I thought to myself - NEVER AGAIN!!

I got my second job in Vancouver, Canada. It was not high paying, but my frugality was at a high level. I saved money like anything! I did not have much belongings and did not care to have much either. I wanted to make sure that when I was moving back to USA, I would have enough money to start on my own.

Once I started my permanent job in Kansas City I was all set. My pay was not high, but I had vowed to myself that I would NEVER borrow money, never owe anyone anything. So I just saved saved and saved. There is no doubt that I would need help - the non financial kind - which I could only return with my love and by being a loyal friend. I have always been there for my friends.

The few months that I was in financial trouble and without a job, I realized what it was like not to have money. A feeling of helplessness sets in. But it also taught me the importance of financial management. It also taught me to live within my means. I always live within my means. Only now - after working for so many years, I feel that I am comfortable enough to help other people in need. But I still don't loan money to friends - I think money breaks friendships.

I have loaned money to family - and that is different. But loaning money to friends has been out of question - until recently. I could not refuse someone. I don't think they were my friend or even cared about me, but I cared about them, so I loaned them money. Well....as expected, things have gone south from there. It has been really tough for me. (And that is why I don't give money to anyone except family).

I don't know how people ask me for money when they don't even care about me. Actually, I don't know how people ask for money from friends - period. I never would - and I hope I never have to. I would live within my means as much as I can. But of course I can never presume what other people's lives and tribulations are that cause them to ask for money.

Debt is an evil thing. The very short time I felt I was under debt was the worst for me. Maybe people think it is normal to ask people for money - but for me it is just not a good philosophy. Banks are for asking for loans - not friends.

A debt free life is the happy life!

Sacrifice

Making sacrifice is not easy.

Sacrifice is defined as, "the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone".

Giving up something or someone is not easy. Attachment, dependence and happiness - all have to be given up in order to make a sacrifice. Sacrifice is about love, friendship, duty and doing the right thing. Not everyone can do this. One has to be strong in order to do the right thing.

Most people will either not recognize the sacrifice at all or think other people's sacrifice is something that they had to do.

The person who makes the sacrifice - who gives something up - has the hardest of it all. They have to give up a lifestyle, they have to give up on love, they have to give up money, they have to give up relationships and so much more. And worst of all - they have to feel the sadness of that loss. They are the only ones who know that if they had not made the sacrifice for the other person, things would have been much harder for that other person. Meanwhile - the "other person" may be clueless....

Making sacrifice is not easy......sometimes one can see it in the kids - some kids give their things easily to others while others don't. Not all adults can make sacrifices. It is hard.....

I don't know if sacrifice is a character someone is born with or that they develop? Who knows? But definitely maturity and sacrifice go hand in hand.  When you are mature, you are able to make sound decisions and do the right thing (hopefully!).  One thinks that mothers will  always make sacrifice for their child - but that's not true; I have seen many selfish mothers!

No relationship guarantees sacrifice - you are lucky if someone makes sacrifice for you - it means you are loved by them.

Maturity-Responsibility

Hopefully, as we age, we mature, not just in our physical appearance but also in our grey matter (the brain!). Its very easy for adults to look at kids below 10 years of age and say - oh they are still kids - they are not matured yet. So there is something about adults that make them more mature than kids. Although, I will say I have seen some kids who are more mature than adults!! (Not because those adults are mentally challenged - or maybe they are!)

The first quality I want to discuss here is - responsibility.

First and foremost when you are mature you are able to take responsibility for your actions in all walks of life. First - YOU are responsible for YOURSELF and your actions, then you are also responsible for family, friends, coworkers etc.  You live in a house/apartment: how should you care for that dwelling? Is it maintained in a good living condition? Your own personal space - is it in order? Can you find something when you need it? Do you lose your stuff readily? etc.

What about family? You should know what your responsibilities are towards each member of your family (regardless of what your spouse or kids do). Are you able to care for them, or do you behave like a child and only take care of your own immediate needs? Can you look beyond yourself and take care of your family? Having a family does not just mean having a spouse and producing babies or just providing them shelter - its also about the emotion, the feeling, the love and caring that goes in it that makes a family a family. But for some it is just a responsibility and nothing of the emotional involvement. That is also not life...but that is another blog.

Although I don't think have friends is a sign of responsibility, it is a personality thing, but maintaining those friendships is certainly a responsibility. One should behave in a proper manner, and if you like the person then maintain those friendships. It takes a lot to maintain healthy relationships - no relationship should be taken for granted. That is a recipe for loss of relationship.

Your belongings - are they in good shape? Your vehicle - car, motorcycle, do you maintain it or bang it up in places? Your clothes say a lot about how you are as a person (sadly) - do you maintain your clothes? Are they clean? Are they torn? Do they look yours?

All the above are responsibilities of action. Then there is the emotional responsibility.

How well can you handle stress? Do you go into tantrums or lose your temper if things don't go your way. Do you have the emotional depth to understand the other person's situation? Do you look for retribution? Are you manipulative in behavior? This also means you lie or not tell the truth, to get your way.

Do you have the strength to say no where a no is necessary and the strength to do the right thing? Some people may have never experienced being told "NO" for something, so when they encounter it the first time, they don't know how to handle it. They have always gotten what they wanted.

These are also part of emotional quotient. I think we are born with some emotional quotient while some we develop as part of our life experience.

Many people will never even try to understand where the other person is coming from or their perspective; so they will never understand other's situation; and most don't care to know also. That invariably leads to one of the person's getting hurt. One does not have to like the other person, or do good for them, but the least they can do is not hurt them. Recognizing and doing the right thing is maturity.

And then there is the financial responsibility.

Hindu philosophy says that first 25 years are for education, the second 25 years for family life, next 25 years for spiritual awakening and the last 25 years to give up the worldly benefits.

So....this means, its okay to live with parents or depend on family early on, but after that you are supposed to be on your own - in fact you should be able to support your family also. One should not have to ask family or friends for money once their education is complete - that is what education is for - learn how to earn money on your own. There can be a whole other discussion of women being financially dependent on their husbands. This depends entirely on the relationship between husband and wife - I will not get into that now.

So... this is the first little installment of maturity as relating to responsibility....more will come.

A Robot with a Heart

So I am sitting here watching Wall-E, one of my favorite Pixar movies, and I am thinking, there is not much difference between Wall-E and I.

Wall-E does so much work - and so do I.
Wall-E is dedicated to his mission, even if it is packing trash; so am I...to teaching.
Wall-E is curious about things - so am I.
Wall-E lets cockroaches live - and for most part - so do I.
Wall-E sees a plant and tends to it - I have the same feelings about plants.
Wall-E sees a smart and sleek robot and falls for it - I do also fall in love for smart things :-)
Wall-E follows his heart - and so do I - sadly always heart over brains :-(
Wall-E watches TV and wonders who these people are who hold hands and dance - so do I...
Wall-E is a robot - and 99% of the time I feel like one too.
Wall-E wants to make friends - so do I.
Wall-E would love company, even it is of a destructive robot - sometimes I feel that way too....
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and most important one........
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Wall-E is cute - and some might think I am too!!

One of these days my life will stop feeling like a robotic repetition of day after day. I feel like the various parts of my life and body are rusting with the repetitive days.

One of these days I will also find a planet of life.......