Social Service

Social service, volunteering, NGO....these are all ways of giving back to the society we live in. We all take from the society, so in our life, we should also give back.

Until 15 years ago, this was a novel concept for me. The only volunteering I had done was in Ethiopia for a short period of time, when I used to read for about one hour a week to the blind. And I thought I was doing that because I had time on my hands and had nothing else to do.  But now I know how valuable that reading must have been for the blind who were listening to me. I wish I had done more.

Depending on what one feels comfortable with, one can do personal service, i.e. give time and skills to a cause; or give money to a cause. Whatever is suitable.

I have done both - time and money so I have experience with both. It is a personal decision for anyone when they are ready for social service. This is something cannot be compelled, it is something that comes from within oneself.

I sometimes wonder if I would be doing so much of it if I had a family. I would be busy with them and not have time to give. But in America I see that volunteering is a sometimes a family affair. Volunteering is part of the school education. Kids learn it at a young age. How neat!! I will say that I have never met any Indian during any of my volunteering events - never! Maybe they and I go to different events.....Although in India there are thousands of NGOs (don't know how many are authentic); but in US, there are hardly any NGOs by Indians.  Nothing good or bad about this...just an observation.

I am writing two blogs on my experiences. I am not done with volunteering or donating money. It is an ongoing process.  Part 1 is on Time Donation and Part 2 is on Money Donation

Social Service (Monetary) - Part 2

Ten years ago, I went to India on a touring trip during my sabbatical. I wanted to go to an Ashram in Rishikesh to relax on the banks of Ganges.  It so happened that the Ashram was hosting a Geeta camp, which I then attended. Amazing camp! I learned so much. At the camp, I met a lady who was running an orphanage for girls of all ages in Dehra Dun.  These girls either were discarded by their families, or ran away from home due to some abuse or other. The lady asked me to contribute to the orphanage to sustain one 12 or 13 year old girl through her education, up to her marriage – so a financial commitment of about 5-7 years.

It was against my philosophy to help out with money, especially if I don’t know where the money is going. But the lady was convincing and she was a friend of a family friend. So I agreed to sponsor two girls (the money was not that much when converting dollars to rupees). I supported them over four years. My experience was mixed: I felt good that I could support some girls’ education and maybe give her a good future; on the other hand, I never knew who I was supporting and what the progress of the girl was.  Over time, I would call the lady but never got a satisfactory answer. Through the family friend, I knew that my money was spent well. It may not have gone directly to the girl, but it did help out in the orphanage.

And that is where my problem is – I need to know exactly where my money is being used.  It could be because my salary is not much and so whatever little I give should have some visible impact. I did not go back to India for the next 5-6 years, so that story came to an end. The sad thing is when I stopped sending the money, the lady never even asked me why I stopped sending the money.

I had a similar problem in Brazil. When I was in Brazil, I had worked with a young couple, who were our translators during our visit. The first time I went there, I was so impressed by their hard work and dedication that I wanted to do something. The man who arranged everything suggested that I pay the couple’s salary since he is not able to pay them too much. I thought – sure I can do that for one year! So I made three payments to him over one year. Two years later, I went back to Brazil for a second service trip. I chatted with the couple to find out if they were getting their salary without revealing any other details. It turned out that the man paid them only half of what I had given for them. Ugh!! When I asked him about it, he said, he needed the money elsewhere in the organization. There was really nothing I could do about it!!

So there….my point seemed to be made again and again.  Money given to organizations like this are never quite used for what you intend them to be used for.

Now I knew for sure that giving money was out of question. But old habits die hard!!

When I went to India recently, I met a young woman, very sweet, very hard working and of very caring nature. Despite the fact that she was poor and struggling in so many aspects of her life, she would always have a smile on her face. I was taken by her honesty and hard-working nature. She would tell me about her life and I could feel her pain!! I could not help myself…..so I decided to support her - financially. Now I talk to her periodically and see how she is doing – I don’t need a full accounting of my money, but I can tell she is not misusing the money. I have met her three times now and finally I feel comfortable in my financial contribution.

One incident regarding this woman will always stay on my mind. I was talking to her one day and she told me about some health issues she was having and that she needed to get some tests done. I knew she was not going to work and therefore she was losing money. I asked her if she needed more money for the tests, and very cheerfully she replied, “I have lots of money!” I was so amused! I did not send her any money for the tests. And that is the attitude that makes her so special to me.

Will I keep giving money in future? I don't know. I will not like to support this young woman all her life. At one point, her sons should take over and take care of her. So I will stop at that stage.

And then what? I don't know....

My determination is still not to give money to organizations. I have been asked by one or two NGOs to donate money, but I will not give - I need to work with them in order to see how they work. So at this time....they will get only my time!!

Social Service - Part 1

These words, social service, were alien to me until I started working at Park University. At my university, service was part of the professional development portfolio, which means one of the criteria by which my promotion etc. would be determined.  So I had to ask my mentor about what is “service”, and he said to me, it’s when you volunteer and work in the community. So of course I had no idea what I was going to do.  My first logical choice was to look in my professional society, American Chemical Society.  They had a local chapter in Kansas City and so I started getting involved in its activities. It was perfect for me as I am a chemist and an educator, so the activities I was participating in fit right in with my profession.

Within a year or two I caught on this bug of service. I started enjoying it. It was a great way to meet new people, see new places and all the while contribute to the community in some way. I did a lot of volunteering with science mentoring of young scientists as well as being a mentor to “women in science” – both very rewarding for me. I volunteered at events where they needed people to monitor activities. I was active in my professional society and also other women’s groups.  Eventually I started taking leadership roles and wrote grants and organized events. I learned a lot about team work during this time.

I had vowed to myself that I would never give money for charity. I would give my time and services, but not money. I could never be sure how this money was being used, and my money is not lottery money – it’s my hard earned money that I had frugally saved. It was not going to support administrative staff of any association. I wanted my money to be used to help people who really needed it.

My first service trip abroad was in Brazil. Here I saw how a lady had created a safe haven for kids to come after school and learn crafts or hang out in a clean, safe environment. The organization I went with took 10-12 people and built an open air classroom for the kids – all in one week.  It was really quite amazing for me to see how quickly a dream can be realized. (Of course the procuring and transporting of the materials for building the classroom was about a year long process and all this was done by one person who was dedicated to helping this community).

My next service trip was Hawaii. One would why Hawaii, such a tourist destination, would need help, but help is needed everywhere, even in the richest of the societies.  I saw a part of Hawaii that tourists don’t see. The problems there were many but we could do very little in the ten days we were there.

And then I thought I should go to India, my own country and see what I can do there. That was my motivation of going to Shanti Kunj. But now I realize that maybe it will not be a good fit for me as their activities are not done the way I am accustomed to. They also don’t advertise the activities in advance, so timing is an issue. So I just ended up going to DSVV and giving my time there. I feel like my talents were not completely utilized there the first time, but maybe it was because they did not know me. But even during my 2^nd and 3^rd trip, I felt a little under-utilized.  I will not presume to say why my services were not used to the max, but I know that I could have done a lot more.

I continue to do service as much as I can – locally. I believe in the saying “Think globally, act locally”. I have my limitations on what I can do, but I do what I can to know that I am making some difference.

And then someone asked me for money......(see Monetary Service)

Acceptance

Having crossed the mid-point of my life there are a number of things I have taken stock of. Of course life does not end after mid-life – for some it becomes better. I don’t know what it is becoming for me….

I have always thought of myself as worldly, experienced, comfortable in dealing with diversity and most of all - fairly mature in my thinking. Through my years of education (through PhD) and now working for a number of years, I think I have seen and been through a lot things/events. My personal life has been always be series of turmoil. Just when I think I can breathe now, a storm comes and everything is back to chaos.

I want to believe there is higher power somewhere who is doing all this. I have always believed in destiny, because no matter how hard I try to prevent something from happening or want something to happen, it will not happen that way. For some reason, this higher power has decided that I don't ask for anything meaningful. Or that my life should go smoothly. Nope! All these ups and downs of my life are giving me nausea.

I also think there is a time and age for events to happen otherwise they don’t have the same meaning. Timing is everything in life.  At this point in time in my life, I have to learn to accept a number of things that I have and somethings that I will never have.  There are also human behavior that I have to come to terms with. So many people have come in my life and taught me so many different lessons; sadly most lessons are through negative experiences.  My life has not gone in any way that I had thought it would go; nor do I have the relationships that most people have.

In one of the most positive events: I had never imagined I would ever own a house! Fifteen years ago I was happy to own a car, and now this house - MY house - who knew??

Through all the positive and negative events – I have come to accept that:

•  People will lie – they will cheat. No matter which country I go to and however many new people I meet, there will always be liars in this world.
• People are selfish, they are all motivated by their own self-interest.
• I really cannot trust anyone. I have learned this the hard way. And I still keep learning this, because deep down I want to believe that people are good – but most times they just are not. 
• No matter where I work I will always have a nemesis. 
• I have always found one or two truly good friends wherever I have lived. They may not love me, but they will not do anything to hurt me either.
• The kindness of strangers is always there for me. I have found help in the darkest of my times from some really close friends and sometimes even strangers.  I really feel these are angels sent just to help me.
• I will never know some relationships….the time has gone…
• Life will go on, no matter how I feel today. It is up to me to get up and get going.  I am Arjun and I am Krishna – all in one.

I am reminded of a blog I wrote a while back on Anhinga - the beautiful bird of Florida. So yet again I am reminded that its all me.....I have everything in me - I just have to find it (that's the tough part!!) and accept it (also hard to do!)

Ignore

I read my Papa's views on Stonewalling, and it made me think about ignoring. Both are similar concepts. Both are communication blockers. Both create the feeling in one person that his or her view or feelings are not important.

Stonewalling means: "not answering any question when asked directly or refusing to participate in a discussion."

Ignore, as the dictionary defines it, is: "refuse to take notice of or acknowledge; disregard intentionally."

Disregard intentionally?? The reasons anyone would do that to me is if they:

• don't care for me
• have no respect for me
• don't care what I think
• don't care for my feelings
• are really mad at me

- It is a very typical behavior that if you are mad at me you will ignore me (because just looking at me will make you even more mad). But I think if you are mad at me about something - then come on and lets fight it out. Just finish the cold war. Hash out the differences; one way or another, figure out what is going on. Not every fight will have a happy ending but at least we would have tried.

- If you are ignoring me just because you don't want to reply to my concern or question - then it means you don't care about me or my feelings. Or that maybe you are hiding something from me, which breeds distrust in relationships.

 - If you are ignoring just because you don't like me - then really!!??? Just grow up and be mature. Learn to handle your feelings such that you can be civil without being superficial. We are all adults and we all don't have to like each other - but we can be civil.

The one thing I have never been able to stand in my life is being ignored. If I know someone is ignoring me, I take it very personally and I make it a point to avoid that person so that I don't have to behave the same way (although in some ways they do make me behave like them....I may have to ignore them too).

In my view - no one should be ignored; no one is that trivial (not even kids!) that their sentiments be ignored; their feelings be ignored or their views be ignored. Everyone should get a chance to be acknowledged and be heard. Because in reality - everyone wants to be acknowledged. (I have written about this before) Everyone wants to feel they are valued and that their existence matters.  I don't have to agree with everything they say, but at least I can give them my attention.  Ignoring someone's emotions/feelings/views makes the other person feel all sorts of complicated emotions and then I don't know what the short/long term consequences might be. Don't forget - every action has consequences.

When I am ignored, I feel -

• worthless - like I have no value in the other person's life,
• they don't give a damn about what I feel, which means they don't care about me
• they don't respect me
• non existent - that I don't even exist for them
• hurt.....
• uncomfortable in their company
• and most importantly - I cannot trust them anymore. Because I don't know when I am being taken seriously and when I am being ignored.

Of course it also depends who is ignoring me: 

• A student or distant coworker: it does not matter. They are too busy in their lives. If I am important to them, they will not ignore me.
• An acquaintance: don't worry - they are not that important anyway, let it go.
• A colleague: jealousy is a big factor here. This is really hard to deal with.  It has to be taken care of diplomatically.  I have dealt with this one too many times and each time it has exhausted me.
• A good friend or family: this is the hardest one. Where I have deep emotions, time invested in a relationship, then I also have more expectations, and if I am ignored by them, then it is really hurtful.  It definitely needs to be taken care of. Talking is the best way; but of course that is a two way street - the other person must be willing to participate. Once the misconceptions have been cleared up then the trust has to be rebuilt. And then time and emotions are again invested in that relationship.

I know how I feel when people ignore me, so I have changed myself.  I try my best to not ignore people. I let them know that I am not available, or I am busy - because they deserve a response - however untrue it might be.  And if someone is important to me then I will always be honest about what is going on. Honesty is the best policy.

Ignoring anyone is very hurtful and I will just say - ITS NOT NICE - so don't do it.

One last point to mention here is when after saying something serious, someone says to me, "Ignore what I said." How does one do that? Just like an arrow, once shot from a bow can never be taken back, spoken words can also not be called back. The thoughts that come to my mind when I hear those words are, "What else should I ignore?" "Why did you say something if you did not mean it?" "What about in future? Should I know already what to ignore or will you tell me again?" I cannot ignore what my friends and family say to me.

One absolutely last point.....sometimes I just don't know what to say or how to talk to someone anymore. This dilemma causes a time lapse in communication.  Unless the other person takes the initiative to communicate, the time lapse becomes longer and it feels like I am ignoring the other person; when really I just don't know how or want to talk to them anymore.

Human Behaviour

Lately I have been thinking about human behaviour. Of course its complex, but I still want to try to understand why people behave the way they do. Does it have to do with education? Or family background? Or environment? Or is it something beyond that? Maybe.......our "karm"? Is it destiny? Is it something we are born with? Even in a one family no two people are the same; we may have similar interests or may look alike, but our behaviours can be alien from each other.

I am also trying to figure out why "I" behave the way I do.  When everything goes well, it goes well, and I feel satisfied and confident in my decision. But when it goes wrong, then all this thinking comes into play.

In some cases, I really had no idea what I was getting into.

In another case, it might be that I did not do my research properly and there was a chance that my decision would not be the best one.

But sometimes knowing fully well that there is no good outcome from my decision or the path I am choosing for myself; I still walk on it; and I invariably get hurt or duped and then I wonder why did I do it? I knew this was not going to be good for me yet........there was some unknown force that still made me go that route. Why?

And then all the self-doubts start arising;

• Am I good decision maker?  
• Am I really capable of recognizing good/bad character in people?
• Did I have enough experience to deal with this situation?
• Did I do the "right" thing?

In my case I would say “yes”, for most part for all the questions.

Then why do I get into something that I fully well know is not good for me? WHY? And so then finally I have only myself to blame - obviously - because I have no control over other people's behaviour.

The questions that come to mind then are:

• Was there some weakness in me that I am trying to fulfill?
• Did I feel that I am strong enough to handle all kinds of problems? Or that I don't have enough issues in my life and I can handle this one more?
• Did I do the “right” thing – ethically and morally? And if I am doing the right thing, then why am I having doubts? And if I did not, then I have to bear the consequences of my actions (which does happen in some cases)

OR - most importantly...

• Do I see the best in people and feel that they will do the right thing (ethically and morally) and never cheat me or lie to me? (Which means that either I am an optimist or naive).

My decisions are always based on happiness - mine and the other persons. My decision should make me happy and should not cause harm to anyone else. I will deliberately and consciously not harm anyone.  Sometimes people do get hurt - but was it because of me or themselves? That is for them to decide based on their own background and maturity. Although I know most times I will be blamed for their unhappiness also, but if I know I did the "right" thing - then I can sleep peacefully.

With all this going through my head, I happened to visit a faculty here in DSVV with hope to find a good book to read on meditation, to calm my mind.  Just my luck that I saw a book, "Chanakya on Management" by Ashok R. Garde. As with many others, I have always admired Chanakya neetee.  I think he is the most practical teacher in the world and is valid for all times. He was relevant then (330 BC), and he is relevant now. His teachings are as relevant to an individual as to an organization or a nation.

So far I have read the first chapter and it really has made an impact on me. I will try to write the gist of it for myself in my blog so I can read it whenever I feel I am having doubts about decision making or ethics.

Hopefully I will also find answers to why people make excuses for their behaviour; why they don't mean what they say; why they don't do what they say; why they always blame others for anything that did not work according to them etc......

Why do I come to DSVV?

This is my third visit to DSVV (Dev Sanskriti Vishv Vidyalay).  Everyone asks me why I go to DSVV? Very honestly I don’t have a good answer except that I find some comfort here.  The first time I came to volunteer here, I had no idea what I was going to do in the university; so my mind was open to anything and everything (see my blog here).  Luckily I was given 3-4 projects to work on. And I also read a lot on Pt. Sharma ji's literature. The second time I had an ulterior motive and because of which I did not really enjoy my stay that much (shows to go that one should not have expectations).  But this much I know that every time I have come to DSVV I found peace and quiet in a safe and spiritual environment.

Any place has good and bad aspects. As a single female going from USA I can see several good aspects in DSVV.

First and foremost I find it very peaceful here. The campus is quiet, there is no noise or disturbance. I also feel at peace when there is peacefulness outside. Water and electricity are always available. And I have a comfortable room. This is all mental peacefulness.

(Mahakal Temple)

The atmosphere is spiritual. In the middle of the campus is the Mahaakaal temple (Shiva temple). I have found a lot of peace in that temple. It is the best place on campus for me. I love sitting there and breathing in the ambience. There is such calmness in the air there. Although in the months of June and July that I have been there, it is really hot and I have sweat trickling down my back, but I still sit there and keep looking at the Mahaakaal, as if at any moment Shiv will listen to my prayers and appear.  6:00 pm is Naad Yog time, such nice meditation melody plays that for 15 mins you forget everything else.

I also learn a lot from reading Pandit Shriram Sharma’s books. Although my Hindi is poor and there are not that many English books there but I still try to read as much as possible while I am there. The books are so educational and informative about religion, culture and how to live your life. Reading these has changed my views and ways of thinking – I have become a more peaceful person. (Read my blog here on Pragyopnishad)

I can be in India and still maintain a level of independence. I am by nature a very independent person. I have always gone alone to the campus, and I like the freedom to be able to do anything anytime (not that there is much to do!) – although I will say that many times I have made good friends during my stay at the guest house and I have enjoyed activities with them also.

Another good thing is that I can involve myself in any therapeutic activity I want – yagya, yoga, naturopathy, Ayurveda etc. I always take advantage of these and try to learn something new.  Because of DSVV I have developed healthier eating habits. Good environment brings about the influence of good habits.

The campus is really very pretty. There are flowers everywhere – all kinds, and so fragrant. I miss that fragrance when I go back home. Especially during the night when the queen of the night blooms – it’s something else! There is a lot of greenery of trees. There is a mango orchard – obviously my favorite place to buy mangoes. There is the herb garden, where fresh herbs are used to make medicine and oils. Very nice area. The buildings are not bad at all – the architecture and color is very soothing to the eyes. And above all the campus, being residential, is all enclosed and gated, so very safe.

And finally: cooking and cleaning! That is one thing I do not miss at all. When I am in DSVV, I stay at the guest house. There the “bhaiyas” bring the breakfast, lunch and dinner from the cafeteria. I don’t have to think about what to cook, how much to cook or cleaning up.  All I have to do is show up and eat. I am not a picky eater, so eating moong daal every day is not a problem for me. I do get bored of it, but it’s not a problem because maybe this way I will lose some weight (hehehe).  Tea/coffee machine is available there. I can get that anytime I want. So generally the mind is free of performing all these mundane tasks of cooking and cleaning. Same goes for washing clothes. I can either use the machine or I can give my clothes to the dhobhi. Ah……nice break from home duties.

So finally you ask – but Sapna, “What do you do there?” Well…..I work on the projects given to me by the Pro-Vice Chancellor (Dr. Chinmay Pandya). He has been generous in giving me nice projects which I have enjoyed working on (making brochures, proofreading documents, collecting data etc.). I have made some friends of faculty here, with whom I can sit and chit chat on a variety of topics and attend some Science and Spirituality classes (with the permission of the professor); I will always get some Naturopathy treatment – which generally involves some massage (aahh – bliss). And then there is the reading – going to the library to read Pandit Sharmaji’s literature. I just wish I knew more Hindi. And yes, I have taken my computer so I can work on my own teaching material while I am on campus.

All in all a winning situation for me!!