Fear

I think we should live with a clear conscience.  The only way to live with a clear conscience is to live without fear.  Fear is part of our daily lives. What are we afraid of?

We are afraid that we should not say anything that we are not supposed to; that we will hurt someone; that this person will never speak to us again; what will people say; what if I get caught doing whatever action?  What if, what if.....

One or the other fear is always hanging over our head. This fear makes us impotent and prevents us from making, what in our hearts we know, to be the right decision. Most times we have no fear in making the wrong decision for what we convince ourselves to be “for the good of all”. We tend to compromise for convenience, to maintain a peaceful environment and in some cases the lack of our own decisiveness.  But to make one right decision (that is true to our heart) we will think so much and eventually talk ourselves out of it. Our "shouldn’t" and "couldn’t" take over. 

(Edited) One other aspect of fear is the "fear of unknown" (as mentioned in the comment below). If we cannot predict what is going to happen then we are afraid of going there. We have the need to be in control. We like to be in our "safe zone" where we know what is going to happen.  I have seen people who spend their entire life in the same one house - they grow up there, go to college, work and retire in the same city. They never venture outside - some may not need to, but some are paralyzed by the fear of what may be out there. People who can let go of some this control are "risk takers". They are sometimes the most successful people in their life. One has to be able to let go of their fears to achieve something; otherwise one may not know what one is capable of. 

I wish we would keep our hearts and head clear for doing the right thing.  I know you might think – but what is the right thing to do? In your heart you know what the right things is.  If you make the right decision and make the right choices you will never have to worry about anyone or anything. Because you know what did came straight from your heart. Once you are convinced of your decision then its not hard to convince anyone else (and sometimes there is no need to!).

Eventually there is only one person you have to live with – yourself.  If you cannot even do that, then what is this life about?  There should not be any hidden motive for doing anything.  We should do all our work with a clear mind and conscience then only will we be happy.  It is very easy to find out if you are living with a clear conscience – you will be healthy: physically, mentally and emotionally.  Poor physical health is easy to detect: insomnia, digestion problems, high stress, depression and general melancholy.  (Our bodies detects distress sooner than our brain can.)

When we are mentally healthy then the world is a more manageable place to be! We tend to make good decisions, we are more comfortable in our skin and life becomes less like a battle and more enjoyable.  These in my opinion are clear markers of healthy mind and body.

Remember the Sholay dialog of Gabbar Singh, 

"Jo dar gaya samjho mar gaya!" 

So live your life - fearlessly!!

Character

Character of a person makes him who he is. (I will use "he" just for convenience - otherwise we know there can be a "she" also).

Character is a sum of experiences, wisdom from those experiences, personal values, maturity and I also believe it is somewhat destined. We can see good character in children - where does that come from? One sibling can differ so much from another: they have the same upbringing and same parents and environment, yet they can behave so differently. How? I don't know. Which is why I believe that character is destined.

In my thinking, character of a person is seen in their honesty, loyalty, respect, high moral values, ethics and humility. Humility because one should not let get all the other characteristics get into their head and turn into pride and ego. One should have good character just because it is a good thing - not to prove anything to anyone. Sometimes people call people with good character "self-righteous". I think that feeling comes because they can see the good in others which they know they themselves do not or cannot possess.

For most part, people live their lives without giving much importance on how the other person behaves because it really does not affect them too much in a day to day basis. However, the closer the relationship, the more important the character of a person becomes.  We tend to make friends with people who share our values in life. So if the character of a person is not matching with ours, we will not only not be friends but we will not trust them either.

Most of us can survive with whatever degree of negative character we have. (The more the negative value the harder the life!) The character of a person shows its true colors under extreme circumstances. If one can come out of that time/situation with gravitas then we can say - Okay! this person has shown some character!

Some good souls may not have a need for their character to be tested, because they have such high ethics and morals that they will never fail. Those really are higher beings.

I feel these days most people use character as a commodity; they use it as convenient to them. They use it where they see a value for it and not where they don't. They may show good character to their boss but then go out the mistreat their subordinate. They may show they have high values and moral to their family yet not show respect to strangers or sometimes even friends. Or in some cases, they may say they have high values, yet when the time comes to actually show it, they behave contrarily.

People with such bipolar behaviour can lose the center of their gravity - the core of their being. They can lose perspective of who they were, who they are and what they are becoming. They may lose track of how they are behaving and with whom. And if they keep continuing on that path then all their different roads will start crossing each other eventually the "real" person will start to emerge - the one who uses character as convenient to them. And using character as a commodity is not good character to begin with - that's called having "loose character". All that they were trying to accomplish will be lost in one second.  All the good will get washed out with one single bad action - trust will be broken. And trust is a like a glass vase, you can join it if it breaks but the cracks will always remain.

I believe in living with a set of values whereby

• I can sleep peacefully at night
• I know that I have not hurt anyone with my actions or words (at least not consciously)
• I have not asked anyone to do anything for me that I myself would not do. I cannot place anyone else's ethics on the line - otherwise I will lose my morality by asking someone else to lose theirs. 
• I know that I did my best in whatever I was doing and 
• that I will keep doing my best.

I don't want to live a life that is lie. It does not serve any purpose. It is better to remove oneself from the situation rather than face a lifetime of living a lie. If an action is not making someone happy, or making you happy then maybe that action is not worth taking. Not that every action has to make someone happy and not that every lie is a bad one - that action and that lie that ruins relationships are not worth it!!

In life we come across situations where we may not want to do something but we are being compelled to do it - for the good of a larger cause or the good of a person. We have use our judgement in those cases and decide what is more important to us - our values, our good name or making the other person happy even though it is not the right thing to do. We have to feel satisfied and ultimately live with our decision.

I want to live a life where I have nothing to hide, I have nothing to be ashamed of, I have no regrets and I am at peace with myself. I want to live with the feeling that I did the right thing - under the circumstances. A thief may think that stealing is fine and it is righteous according to him, but deep down somewhere he knows what he did was wrong. What I am saying is I should be able to live with my decisions. 

I may have referred to this bhajan before also - but really - its my favorite one! It conveys the message that your "self" is the mirror of your character - you know what you are doing is just or not.

Habit

I don't have to define what a habit is. We all know it is something we develop over time. There are the good habits and bad ones. And of course we also know that "old habits die hard".

People become attached to their habits and treasure them as if their habits are their identities.  Without their habits they are nothing.  When in reality those habits might be preventing them from having good relationships, achieve their goals in life or just having a good life.

We all know habits are formed by repetitive tasks. Like taking a shower in the morning or brushing teeth before going to bed. We start cultivating these habits because we think they help with our routine and are good in the long run. We get uncomfortable or feel incomplete when we are unable to do these repetitive tasks. We seem to think that we can't live without them, but in reality we will be just fine.

We have similar feelings for bad habits. We think we are being really unique by being a curmudgeon and grumpy person.  If we are not grumpy then for some reason we are not ourselves.

Just like habits we also become accustomed to the people in our lives. They also become our "habits" in life. We grow up with our parents and siblings so we know their habits, some of which we emulate and for some we do a 180, because we hated that particular habit. Slowly we develop our own personality and habits in life.

Then comes marriage - we are expected to live with a stranger who comes with their own habits and personality. But as time passes we get used to them also. We develop habits to accommodate theirs, and some may miss even those habits which they find irritating, when the person is away.  We become like that frog who is heated slowly in water and does not realize that he is being killed slowly by the rising temperatures.

Some habits are imposed by the society. These make you socially acceptable. To live in the society you have to follow certain rules; if you don't, you become a social pariah. This wonderful society is such that it will do everything to keep you submissive and under control.  It will do nothing to uplift you and make you free and independent. Only we ourselves can convince ourselves to do anything, be it good or bad.  We can live in a bad situation and tell ourselves that being in that situation is the right thing to do. We are afraid to change our habit, our norm and/or break free of culture. This is what the society wants or my family wants so this is what I will do. Everyone does it, so I will also do it.  We convince ourselves of this so much that that we then develop a habit to live in that situation.  However, if that habit is imposed on us (and its not our choice) then that situation will eat us from inside, we will deteriorate in health, happiness and quality of life.

In reality, habits can be changed, situations can be changed. And sometimes we change them without even knowing we have. We change our habits because we want to keep that job or because we want to stay married or keep our friendships and relationships. Sadly sometimes people equate changing ones habits with compromise. Why should it be considered a compromise if one is leading a happier and more satisfied life? So long no one is being taken advantage of, I think changing one's habits (compromise) is a good way to live life.

I believe that we are given life to improve ourselves, live a happy life and try to make everyone around us happy too. If we can't make people around us happy, then at least don't make them miserable. As we go about living our life, we should try to develop habits which

• free us - not limit us
• make us have a better personality - not make us unbearable
• improve us in health and wealth - not deteriorate us
• make us feel happy - not sad or angry
• improve our relationships - not isolate us

I just hope that I don't get stuck on any habit that I cannot change for all the reasons above.

So I would urge anyone who reads this to not get stuck on that habit, or person or societal norm that makes you unhappy. Have the confidence and self determination to change, learn to be happy and have a good life. Our failures are remembered only if we become successful from them, otherwise our failure is only ours to bear.

Words of Wisdom from Arabian Nights - 2

Almost everyone is familiar with some of the stories Arabian nights (Alibaba and 40 thieves, Alladin and the Flying Carpet etc). They are a collection of stories that Shaharezaad tells her husband, Sultaan Shaharyaar, every night so he would be intrigued by the stories and would not kill her. (She was successful) My mother has collected many of them from various sources and published them on her website (Sushmajee.com) under Arabian Nights Stories. All stories are interesting and keeps one spell bound until the end.  Read them; I am sure you will enjoy them. Most are suitable for kids 10 years or older.

Lately I have been editing them for my Mom, and came across some very good learning moments in some stories. These are valid for anyone in any culture.  Here they are in two installments.

Again - this is from my Mom's website: sushmajee.com.
(Read part 1 here)

Part 2: This excerpt comes from the story of Haykar (link). This is really a good story of how despite good teaching one can become bad and how wisdom always prevails. In this story Haykar, a vazeer (the king's adviser), is try to train his adopted son to become a good vazeer. I am going to write some these in my own words as some of these are written in a very different kind of English.

1. If a word comes to your ears, suffer it to die within your heart, never disclose to anybody, lest it becomes a live coal to burn your tongue; if you see something, do not disclose it to anyone; breed pain in your body, clothe yourself in shame and always fear from God. 
2. Don't make haste in replying.
3. Don't desire for formal beauty which fades away soon, but look for inner qualities which last forever.
4. O son, be not deceived by a woman of immodest speech, lest you become a prey of her speech and die by a shameful death. Don't be attracted to a woman of art, her clothes and cosmetics etc, because they are the things of immodesty. Beware of her to give anything which is not yours, for she will robe you in sin and you will have to answer to Allaah.
5. Do not be an almond tree whose leaves appear earlier than everything else and its fruit comes in the last, but try to be a mulberry tree which bears the fruit first and everything later as its foliage. 
6. Bow your head even to your inferiors, always speak softly, be courteous, and tread in the paths of piety. 
7. Never speak or laugh loudly, because if the house was built by the volume of the sound, the ass would eat many a mansion everyday.
8. The transport of stones with a man of wisdom is better than the drinking the wine with a man blamed for his foolishness. You should pour out the wine over the tombs of the pious men than drain it in those who offend others. 
9. Be with a sage who fears Allaah and try to be like him and learn his ways.
10. If you have a friend or a familiar, make trial of him, then be with him; and without testing him, neither praise him, nor insult him, nor disclose your thoughts about him to anybody who is not wise. 
11. As long you have a shoe to wear, walk always on thorns and tread a way for your sons and grandsons. Always keep a boat ready, lest the sea drowns you.
12. When a rich person eats a snake, it is said that it is his delicacy; but when a poor eats the same snake, it is declared "it is because of his poverty." Be content with your status and your good, never be jealous with your fellow. 
13. Never be friendly with ignorant, nor eat food with him; nor be happy when they are annoyed with you. 
14. Even if your enemy maltreat you, meet them with kindness and charity feelings. (read such a story). 
15. And always fear the man who does not fear Allaah.
16. O son, the fool will fall if one slips, but a wise man does not even tumble, and even if he tumbles, he will rise quickly, if he falls ill, he will be healthy soon; but for the ignorant there is no remedy. 
17. If a lesser intelligent man than yourself comes to you, protect him respectfully; and if he does not suffice you, the Lord will suffice you in exchange of him.
18. Spare not blows to your child, for the beating the boy is like to manure the garden, to bind the purse mouth, to chain the cattle, and to lock the door. Withhold your child from wickedness and discipline him, lest he becomes stubborn and obstinately disobedient; and thus lowering your head in the society and you should be described as an aid to his wrongdoings.
19. Let no word escape your lips without consulting your heart; nor should you stand up between two opposites, because if you talk to wicked people it will give birth to enmity, from enmity comes out the battle, and from battle arises the slaughter. 
20. Wherever your testimony is required, flee from that place and be at rest.
21. Never stand against a man who is stronger than you, but be patient; long suffering, self-control and treading the path of piety are excellent. 
22. Do not enjoy over the death of the enemy because after a while you will become his neighbor.
23. Do not hear if somebody talks to you rudely or makes a mockery of you; honor him and always greet him with Salaam. 
24. When the water in the stream is high, the bird will fly sky-high, and the black raven will be white, then only the ignorant and the fool will talk. (don't understand this one well)
25. If you are wise, control your tongue from talking, your hand from stealing, and your eyes from seeing evil, then only you will be called a sage.
26. O son, suffer, if a wise man strikes you with his staff, rather than being happy when a fool anoints you with the sweetest smell. 
27. Be humble in the years of youth so that you may be honored in your old age. 
28. Do not stand opposite to a man in your office, nor try to stop a river. 
29. Do not haste in the matters of marriage - because if it brings prosperity, the folks will not tolerate you, and if it brings ill, they will abuse you and curse you.
30. Live in the company of the one whose hand is full, not in the company of the one whose hand is like a fist. 
31. There are four things which are unstable - a king with no army; a Vazeer in difficulty for lack of advice amongst; the folks whose speech is discourteous and over the Kings. (?- seems incomplete)
32. Four things also are never hidden - wit, the sage and the fool, the rich and the pauper.

Words of Wisdom from Arabian Nights - 1

Almost everyone is familiar with some of the stories Arabian nights (Alibaba and 40 thieves, Alladin and the Flying Carpet etc). They are a collection of stories that Shaharezaad tells her husband, Sultaan Shaharyaar, every night so he would be intrigued by the stories and would not kill her. (She was successful) My mother has collected many of them from various sources and published them on her website (Sushmajee.com) under Arabian Nights Stories. All stories are interesting and keeps one spell bound until the end.  Read them; I am sure you will enjoy them. Most are suitable for kids 10 years or older.

Lately I have been editing them for my Mom, and came across some very good learning moments in some stories. These are valid for anyone in any culture.  Here they are in two installments.

Part 1: (Click here for the story it came from)

In this story a dying old father is telling his son how to live in this world.

1. The first principle - Be over-intimate with none, nor frequent with any, nor be familiar with any, thus you will be safe from his mischief; for security lies in seclusion of thought.
   Meaning: Do not share too much information about yourself with anyone - that way they will not be able to use any of that information against you.
2. The second principle - Deal harshly with none, lest fortune deals with you harshly; for the fortune of this world is one day with you and another day against you; and all worldly goods are but a loan to be repaid.
   Meaning: Deal fairly with everyone and treat everyone nicely. You never know when your luck turns around and you will need the help of others. Also, everything you have here stays here in this world and is a loan, so help others.
3. The third principle - Learn to be silent in society and let your own faults distract your attention from the faults of other men; it is said that in silence lives safety and by speaking you will repent many times.
   Meaning: Learn to be quiet and train to improve yourself rather than finding faults in other people. Silence is golden;  if you say something bad you will have to repent it over and over again.
4. The fourth principle - Beware of wine drinking because it destroys human wits, it opens the gates wide to sins that kill.
   Meaning: This is simple - be in control of your senses. Alcohol makes you lose control and makes you do things you would normally not do.
5. The fifth principle - Keep your wealth and it will keep you, guard your money and it will guard you. Waste it not lest you become a beggar. Save your wealth to cure the wounds of the world. Because if you do not have wealth, you have no friends around. How many friends are there who lend their money to their friends?
   Meaning: Be wise with your money. Take care of it and it will take care of you. When you have no money you have no friends.  There are not many friends who will give you money when you need it.
   

Comparison is the Way of Life

Comparison is a strange beast. It can make you better at what you do or it can ruin you. Comparison would be similar to survival of the fittest. Although there are so many people who can just simply "exist" without giving a second thought to how they live (another blog topic). Comparison can give us competitive edge which if done well can lead to a positive ending.

Comparison starts from childhood, especially if you have a sibling. No matter if you have a sister or brother there will always be comparisons. Parents make comparisons and sometimes make it worse, "Your brother can do this - why can't you?" or they may love one child more than the other so one is feeling left out. Depending the on the age difference sibling rivalry can be severe or not happen at all. Large age differences will tend to have fewer comparisons - for obvious reasons - they are not in the same age bracket to compare. But later in life they can still be compared in terms of success in life and responsibility. The closer the age the more the sibling rivalry. Sometimes it lasts the entire lifetime!

Comparison gets worse as we get older. The worst is between friends - she has "this" and I don't! He gets to go to "this" and I don't! I got better grades than you! She got into medical school and I could not. Of course for girls there is the added comparison of physical beauty. She is prettier, has better hair, has more friends and so on. (Maybe guys have another comparison - like height or muscles). It does not end. I feel that teenage years are the worst years. There is the need to excel in studies to get into a good college, the need to have friends and so much peer pressure to try out new things. Crazy time.

College days are better. One starts to be their own person. Hopefully they know what they are doing. But after graduation comes job hunting. Another BIG challenge. We compare ourselves to our peers to see where we stand in our employment. Did we get job in a good company, how hard was it? Did we have to use our network or were we good enough that we got in through a competitive process? Do we work for a big company or a small no name one. What is our status at the company? Etc etc..... Anything can be made out such that one can brag about it. I still brag about my first two post docs and my first job that I got because of my networking skills. And now I can brag about being selected through a competitive process.

Not to forget that with job comes money. How much are you getting paid? No asks that but everyone wants to know and tries to estimate. Money has become our biggest comparison factor these days because it gives you a status in the society. Family members get to brag about you if you make good money.  So it is a matter of pride for everyone.  Whether you have education or not, or you are a good person or not is not as important as how rich your are.

And then comes the family. How well did you marry? How well to do is your spouse? Do you feel a sense of pride introducing your spouse to your friends? We compare our spouses to everyone elses' - its just human nature.

And for someone like me - unmarried - I compare myself to my married friends and vice versa. And for couples who don't have children may compare themselves to the ones with children.  Parents with two girls may have wanted one boy and will always compare themselves with the ones who were lucky enough to have a boy. Comparisons never end.

As we get older, we become parents and the cycle goes the other way. First we were under pressure to do well, now we put our children to do well. Our measure of success is in the success of the children  So the cycle continues.....

The bad part about comparison is that it can really cause depression, jealousy or anger. This can lead to uncommon behaviour in a person which might result in harm to another or to self. The negativity spills into all aspects of our life and destroys relationships.

On the other hand comparisons can be healthy if dealt with in a positive manner. It can make you perform better in education, in sports and other competitions. It can make you push to do things you may not have thought you could do. It could lead you to having a more fulfilling life.

As time goes on we compare our old self to younger self - oh we could so much when we were young! Oh I could have done this if I was single! Well sure. Some people manage to remain as active and involved as they were in their youth. But it is also equally fair to keep moving on in life rather than looking back and be in competition with ourselves. We may get better in some ways but worse in others (knowledge vs stamina respectively!).

No one is perfect, no one's life is perfect. We can compare as much as we want but unless we know the other person's story we will never make a fair comparison. The best thing is to appreciate what others have, acknowledge their life and try to live ours in such a way that it becomes an example to others.

Lastly, we have all come in this world to live our lives; we are not all supposed to lead the same lives as others. There are certain norms and expectations  of a society but for most part our life is unique and needs no comparison.

Expectations in Life

Our expectations from other people and their expectations from us are the cause of most emotional upheavals in our lives. All of us expect certain things from certain people and if those expectations keep on meeting then we take them for granted.  But if those expectations are not met then we will always blame the other person; not ourselves.

In Bhagvat Geeta, Krishna tells us to just do our work and deeds (karm) as we are supposed to and not expect anything in result or think about the outcome of those deeds.

Well....this is one of the hardest things to do.

Our whole life is motivated by having goals in life and meeting them. When we fulfill our goals we feel a sense of accomplishment and the motivation to go on further to the next goal. If we don't meet our goals then we feel like a failure and it takes a lot of effort to get up and try again or go on to another goal.

Expectations are fundamental to our being. As soon as you perform an act, there is some expectation of result. It can be as simple as when I am thirsty and I drink water, my thirst should be quenched (that was the goal).  When I go to teach my students, I expect them to learn and do well on their exams.  It is tough for me to accept that there will be no result from my hard work. Even a mother, who is expected to have selfless love for her children, expects them to take care of her in her old age. 

Same goes for all people in our lives. We expect something in return from people because they are sensible and should know that one should always give back if you have received something. We don't even excuse strangers! We expect even strangers to be kind to us because obviously why would they be rude to us? They don't even know us! So if someone does not hold open the door for us after going through it, we think - how rude!

As part of my happiness training I am also learning to let go of this "expectation". It has been hard to do, but I am teaching myself to let go. As time is passing by I am gaining a lot of relief and a general feeling of lightness. There is no weight on me of emotions that used to weigh me down because I am waiting for someone to do something for me.

So how am I doing this -  expecting less from others and meeting other people's expectations?

The first thing I tell myself is everyone is born with their destiny - as am I. So I have to keep doing what I am supposed to do and let the other person do what they do. I cannot control their actions. I have to believe that there is a higher power somewhere keeping an account of all this (as said in Bhagvat Geeta).  There is also an English saying, "what goes around comes around", which most people think happens in this life, but Hindus believe happens over multiple lives (reincarnation).

Doing the "right thing" is not always easy, we make the best decisions given our circumstances, our values and our intelligence. Keeping that thought in mind, I keep doing what my heart tells me to do (and my heart is usually right). I don't have many regrets in life. I am certain I have hurt people during my life but I can only hope they have moved on in their lives.

The harder part is when someone expects something of me and I am not able to fulfill that. I feel bad when I find out that I was supposed to do something and I did not do it.  Most times people don't really tell what they are expecting of me, they think that I should just know.  I am very careful in what I do and how I behave but I am certainly not a mind reader. Being able to fulfill others' expectations is part of what is called emotional quotient. Higher EQ scoring people are more self aware, have more empathy and tend to manage their situations well. All this leads to living a more emotionally fulfilled life. These days it is considered better to have a higher EQ than IQ.

I will have to do more study in Psychology to know if we are born with certain EQ and IQ or it changes over time. From what I have seen in people is that some things never change, but the educator in me says that EQ can be improved by our experiences and by training ourselves to observe more. But then again, many things never change.....

So the part about meeting other people's expectations has to do with high EQ. Higher EQ people will know what to say (or not), when to say and what to do (or not) in a given situation.  That is why a number of the older generation people who never had any formal education, were still "wise" because they knew what to do and when to do it - that was their high emotional quotient. (Click here to take a simple - about 15 questions - quiz to see how you do on your EQ). I will not tell you whether I scored high or not :-)

Sometimes we are just not able to meet other people's expectations because their expectations will never end. Its just one thing after another and another.....At that point I just have to say, "Enough", I am done with this now. I have, in my own ways, found a way to get around these people otherwise they will completely drain me of everything I have.

With self education and patience we can all coexist happily for the short time that we are on earth.

I have not written much about taking people for granted....that will be another blog.