Expectations in Life

Our expectations from other people and their expectations from us are the cause of most emotional upheavals in our lives. All of us expect certain things from certain people and if those expectations keep on meeting then we take them for granted.  But if those expectations are not met then we will always blame the other person; not ourselves.

In Bhagvat Geeta, Krishna tells us to just do our work and deeds (karm) as we are supposed to and not expect anything in result or think about the outcome of those deeds.

Well....this is one of the hardest things to do.

Our whole life is motivated by having goals in life and meeting them. When we fulfill our goals we feel a sense of accomplishment and the motivation to go on further to the next goal. If we don't meet our goals then we feel like a failure and it takes a lot of effort to get up and try again or go on to another goal.

Expectations are fundamental to our being. As soon as you perform an act, there is some expectation of result. It can be as simple as when I am thirsty and I drink water, my thirst should be quenched (that was the goal).  When I go to teach my students, I expect them to learn and do well on their exams.  It is tough for me to accept that there will be no result from my hard work. Even a mother, who is expected to have selfless love for her children, expects them to take care of her in her old age. 

Same goes for all people in our lives. We expect something in return from people because they are sensible and should know that one should always give back if you have received something. We don't even excuse strangers! We expect even strangers to be kind to us because obviously why would they be rude to us? They don't even know us! So if someone does not hold open the door for us after going through it, we think - how rude!

As part of my happiness training I am also learning to let go of this "expectation". It has been hard to do, but I am teaching myself to let go. As time is passing by I am gaining a lot of relief and a general feeling of lightness. There is no weight on me of emotions that used to weigh me down because I am waiting for someone to do something for me.

So how am I doing this -  expecting less from others and meeting other people's expectations?

The first thing I tell myself is everyone is born with their destiny - as am I. So I have to keep doing what I am supposed to do and let the other person do what they do. I cannot control their actions. I have to believe that there is a higher power somewhere keeping an account of all this (as said in Bhagvat Geeta).  There is also an English saying, "what goes around comes around", which most people think happens in this life, but Hindus believe happens over multiple lives (reincarnation).

Doing the "right thing" is not always easy, we make the best decisions given our circumstances, our values and our intelligence. Keeping that thought in mind, I keep doing what my heart tells me to do (and my heart is usually right). I don't have many regrets in life. I am certain I have hurt people during my life but I can only hope they have moved on in their lives.

The harder part is when someone expects something of me and I am not able to fulfill that. I feel bad when I find out that I was supposed to do something and I did not do it.  Most times people don't really tell what they are expecting of me, they think that I should just know.  I am very careful in what I do and how I behave but I am certainly not a mind reader. Being able to fulfill others' expectations is part of what is called emotional quotient. Higher EQ scoring people are more self aware, have more empathy and tend to manage their situations well. All this leads to living a more emotionally fulfilled life. These days it is considered better to have a higher EQ than IQ.

I will have to do more study in Psychology to know if we are born with certain EQ and IQ or it changes over time. From what I have seen in people is that some things never change, but the educator in me says that EQ can be improved by our experiences and by training ourselves to observe more. But then again, many things never change.....

So the part about meeting other people's expectations has to do with high EQ. Higher EQ people will know what to say (or not), when to say and what to do (or not) in a given situation.  That is why a number of the older generation people who never had any formal education, were still "wise" because they knew what to do and when to do it - that was their high emotional quotient. (Click here to take a simple - about 15 questions - quiz to see how you do on your EQ). I will not tell you whether I scored high or not :-)

Sometimes we are just not able to meet other people's expectations because their expectations will never end. Its just one thing after another and another.....At that point I just have to say, "Enough", I am done with this now. I have, in my own ways, found a way to get around these people otherwise they will completely drain me of everything I have.

With self education and patience we can all coexist happily for the short time that we are on earth.

I have not written much about taking people for granted....that will be another blog.

Happiness - Privilege or Right? Part II

Personal Happiness: This is what I am really getting to from my previous blog on Happiness.  How does one live a life in which you feel happy, you feel you have achieved something, you feel you have not let yourself down, and you are at peace with yourself?  As I am growing older I am realizing there is no way I can make everyone happy. So I have resolved to make just one person happy - ME! I have also realized that if I am happy I am a nicer person, I have less burden of the world on my shoulders and it is easier for me to make other people happy.
(Again - I am sure there are tons of book on happiness - but this is my blog!)

I am not always happy - obviously! But I am training myself, slowly.  And I have seen some good results from my self-training.  So....What have I done to stay happy?

Well first I must say that it has taken a long time for me to let me feel what I feel. We (including me) tend to feel what other people want or expect us to feel.  One has to have the self confidence and faith in themselves to let themselves feel what they naturally want to feel; or one will be leading a fake life.  I have had to let go of a lot of emotions, a lot of negativity and some responsibility (in a responsible way).

So these days this is what I do...

• I take care of my health - I diet and exercise to a point where I feel satisfied, not to satisfy anyone else - just me.
• I make sure that my "career" is taken care of.  My job is what is paying the bills and helping me live the life I want; so I make sure that I don't slack off there.  I do what I am supposed and more if I can - but only if I want to. I don't let the petty day to day events get me down.
• I have hobbies that help to occupy my mind so it does not wander off into the negative world.  I keep my hands and mind busy with crochet, writing or cooking. And occasionally cleaning! 
• Try to do something new at least once a month. It could be something as small as trying a new recipe, or learning a new software - variety is the spice of life. So I always keep learning.
• I don't take responsibility for other people's actions anymore. This was a hard one. I used to keep feeling that I was somehow responsible for how the other person was talking to me or behaving towards me. But in time I have come to realize - everyone has their own life to live, their own destiny, their own sense of well being.  I will not hurt anyone deliberately but I will not take responsibility if someone loses their temper for no reason at all. I will walk away from negativity.
• I don't expect other people to make me happy. It is not their responsibility. I am responsible for my own feelings. And the truth is that so many people do make me happy! 
• I surround myself with people I like, people I care about (and who also care about my well being), people I can enjoy life with, laugh with (and sometimes vent with). The more positive, creative and good people I have in my life the better I feel.  I don't feel obligated to hang out with negative people just because I "have to". I have friends because I want them in my life.  I don't want people around me who suck the life out of me. My contact with such people is minimum.
• I volunteer my time - giving back to the community always makes me feel like I belong in this world and I am making a difference even though it might be minuscule. Time is a valuable gift to give - more than money, so I always make sure I give my time to organizations whose mission I believe in. 
• I travel - what a waste of life if one has not seen the creation! Traveling opens up minds and hopefully hearts! At least for me it has. I enjoy it, I see it as a personal growth. It is culturally enriching and intellectually satisfying to learning about other countries and cultures. 
• Read read read - books take us through so many adventures. So let the imagination fly. I love reading! 

My work is still not done.  There is always this nagging feeling of - if I had just "this" more I would be happy.  When I fill in the blank with "this" then I think I will want "that", then once I have "that" it will be "something else".  The wish list will never finish.  So I have to learn to just enjoy my life and the world as it is at present with all that it has to offer me and vice verse.

Even great sages have to go off for meditation to rejuvenate and come back to spread wisdom.  So there is no harm making a little time for yourself when you see yourself sinking. (Yes, I am saying there is a great person in each of us who has something to offer to this world!)

Are you happy? Do you permit yourself to be happy? I don't know! It is up to you to figure that out for yourself. Believe in yourself, know who you are and live the life that YOU want to live not what someone else wants for you (that would be a fake life). Do all the little things that make you feel good from the inside - it could be as little as opening the door for someone. But do it. Make small changes to the positive side of the life.

If you are happy then the world will seem beautiful, everything will seem to be in harmony, problems will seem to be meaningless and you will try and make other people happy! You can make other people happy only if you are happy from the inside.  And don't be that fake happy where you are smiling outside but are sad or irritated inside.

I would say happiness is a right. No one should take that right away from you. And you should exercise your right to be happy. I know sometimes sacrifices have to made - but then make them consciously and with full acceptance so you don't regret it.  Be happy with your decision for your sacrifice and learn to enjoy it.

Be happy - inside out.

Happiness - Privilege or Right? Part 1

Be happy...
Stay happy...
Hamesha khush raho (always be happy - a very common Indian blessing)
Happiness is the key of life...

What the heck is this happiness? And why does everyone want you to be happy (yet in some ways not also).  My thinking is that happiness is a state of mind where you feel you have no problems, you are at peace with the world and everything feels good.

How to be happy? One only has to Google it and find so many resources on how to be happy! There has be a conscious effort to be happy and stay happy. Most of us are not happy because

• we may not be valued at work
• other people are not happy with us
• we did not get what we wanted
• we can't seem to please anyone
• we have so many responsibilities and we are too stressed to be happy
• nobody is listening to us
• someone did not recycle the paper! They just threw it in the trash!
• and so on............

Even the smallest incident in our life becomes a huge mishap and thus a cause of unhappiness. So really....we don't give ourselves permission to be happy because we have surrounded ourselves with so many issues. 

Then there is this whole other factor of this world where everyone says you should try be happy but no one really wishes it for the other by heart. Because what will they do if you are happy and they are not! Misery loves company - right?

Happiness seems to be a very fleeting emotion. It seems that as soon as one is happy someone else comes and takes it away - not to make themselves happy, but just so that you are not. Again, it is as if they they are saying how could "YOU" be happy when "I" am not? Or how could YOU have something that I don't have?  And there are so many people who suck away the happy feeling.

So even though people can be happy they are afraid to show their happiness lest others get jealous,  or ruin it by saying something petty and selfish, or sucking it away.

So why do we wish "Happy" everything when we really don't mean it?  I don't have the answer to that question. Or maybe everyone surrounding us is just pretentious.

What are some of the reasons that people are not happy? (I know there are gazillion books out there on this topic - but this is my blog and my take on things!)  Here are just some of the reasons I can think of right now. In my Part II of this blog I focus more on the self.

Happiness at Home: I should not pretend to have authority on this since I don't live with anyone :-) Although from all the divorces, affairs and marriage counselors out there I can take a quick guess. We spend majority of our time at home. So if there is no harmony at home - from the spouse, children, extended family and living conditions then there will be constant irritants in life. This is also the hardest to change because how do you change your situation which was made permanent by a vow or by blood?  In my case, living alone has given me the freedom to make changes and live my life as I want to; it has given me a different perspective on things. Although in both cases (living single vs family) I feel fate/destiny is responsible. I have noticed some people are just sad and they will contine to live a sad life whether they are single or in a family.  They cannot seem to make the small changes in life that can give small happy moments. They almost seem afraid of life.

Happiness at Work: This is where we spend the second big part of our life. We are considered more successful not by the quality of our personal life, but by the number of promotions we get or the pay raise that we get at work. If you get a promotion/recognition you must be good otherwise you are lacking something.  It also means that whatever you do at work is never going to be sufficient; there is always one more step to go, one more promotion to have and then another and another.....If there are no more promotions at the current job then you are advised to change jobs and start moving up the ladder in a new place....or why don't you start your own company? There is no end to this. So we spend our lives trying to attain the unattainable. How can we be happy? And then to top it all off when we are the pinnacle of our career we are supposed to retire! Well...there goes all the hard work - what am I supposed to do now?

Of course all the above is not true for anyone who loves their work, enjoys it and finds happiness in it. And these are people who have a pleasant disposition and are a joy to work with.

Happiness from Parents: I don't know how many parents are completely satisfied with the lives of their children.  As soon as one becomes a parent, there is no other job for them but to take care of the children, make sure they study well, get into the right career path, settle well in life with a good partner, have children of their own.........the list goes on.  Which means there is no end to the desires there.  All parents in the world believe they have sacrificed so their children could have a good life. All parents - even the drunk father or the absent mother. So they have a right to expect something in return from their children. All that sacrifice has to be paid back by meeting the parents' expectations.  Tough luck!! Hardly any children can meet those expectations so the cycle of low self esteem and of getting no acknowledgment goes on.  There goes that happiness in the dumps!!

Selfish Happiness: I also want to point out that some people are so much into their own happiness, self-gratification and convenience that they overlook their responsibilities. I consider such people to be selfish. That happiness which leads to other people being inconvenienced, made fun of, or not taken care of (if you are responsible for them) is not happiness - that is selfishness.

Weight Loss Challenge 4

Okay! So I did my weight challenge for about 6 months.  Sadly I did not lose any weight:

• I kept track of what I was eating
• I went for walking etc whenever I could
• I changed my diet to a high protein instead of a high carbohydrate one
• I limited my sugar intake to a minimum (that I could do)

But nothing worked. The first 2-3 weeks were the hardest on my digestive system. I ended up having mouth sores so badly that I could not even eat anything.  Once that was better then I got on track. I would have milk, salad, nuts etc all day and one meal in the evening.  The nutritionist would give me feedback as to what I should eat and what I can decrease.  Occasionally she would suggest some variety for the foods I was eating.  It did not help much as I am not such a big eater.

In any case.  My routine went on for 4 months. I had paid for 6 months.  After not losing any weight for 3 months, I contacted the nutritionist over the phone. She was not very friendly - in fact at some points she was just downright rude. That was not helpful.  When I did not lose any weight later also, then I contacted her again.  She then said that I should get some blood work done for certain key chemicals like Vit D and iron etc.  I got mad.  Why had she not done this before? Especially if she thinks this was important in weight loss. 

I did not remain quiet after this - I wrote her a long email chastising her about not doing her job properly and not advising according to my body type.  She just made a diet plan like she does for everyone and hoped that I would lose weight.  That was not the agreement.  She kept defending herself, but I was unmoved.

I went back to my beloved carbohydrates and within one week I lost 3 lbs!! So now I am convinced that one really has to see your own body type and then fix a diet.  There is no one fix for everyone. I went back to my regular diet, which really was quite rich in protein to begin with, but I added some more carbos to it. It really helped to improve my mood and made me feel better.  And the fact that I lost about 5 lbs after I stopped doing the "Weight Monitors" diet plan really put the skip in my step.

Slowly I am coming to terms with the fact that I may never lose the weight that has so lovingly attached itself to my body. So be it. I will keep doing what I do to have healthy lifestyle and not overeat on sugars.  But to hell with dieting and to hell with monitoring my food intake! I know when I am full and I know when I am overeating.

One last comment I would make regarding any dieting plan anyone undertakes to make sure that the nutritionist creates a plan just for you and not a generic plan.  The feedback should be more meaningful than "you need to include dairy product" or "you should have eaten only one cookie"  - you can see that yourself when you are writing the diary. I would not recommend the service I used to anyone as my plan was not personalized.  She did not get enough background information on me to guide me properly. Although in her favor, her feedback was immediate and she was very good in responding.  I also started including in my diet more nuts than I previously ever had. Overall my health has been fantastic.  The other major problem (second to not losing weight) was low energy level.

Someday my goal of losing the 15 lbs will happen and if it doesn't then I just hope to still be healthy and happy!

Weight Loss Challenge 3

So finally after I have decided to take some action. 

One was to enrol in a boot camp class - the Palm Beach Boot Camp. They were great! I could go for as many classes during the six weeks I was enrolled. I would go twice a week but later it turned out to be only once a week.  The boot camp was good, but I felt I was always behind even though no one was really looking, but still. The other thing was that I felt I was not energetic enough.  Although...it used to feel really good after a session but there were certain times that I felt physically sick from the hyperventilation.  The leaders were good, they did not push anyone more than their capacity, but I would feel a little embarrassed sometimes for not being up to par with their standards.  I would highly recommend this boot camp to anyone.  I learned some new moves and I will try and do them at home.

The second thing I have done is to monitor my diet. First I joined MyFitnessPal, where one can fill in all they are eating and see how many calories they have consumed.  It is quite comprehensive in the variety of foods it has. It covers a lot of Indian food and so many brand name foods.  It has helped me keep on target with how many calories I consume daily. 

But the major difference came from joining the second site: The Weight Monitor. This is an Indian web site monitored by a nutritionist from India.  She gives daily feedback on my daily intake of food.  It is something else when someone is actually monitoring what you eat.  You have to be a little bit more conscious of what and how much you are eating.  And it is better not to lie, because she is not the one wanting to lose the weight - you are!! So better to be honest and follow guidelines regarding her nutritional advice. 

So far it has been one week since I joined the Weight Monitor and I feel like I am doing well and feel lighter, my appetite has gone down, but not my energy.  It seems more like a eating lifestyle change than anything else.

So keeping my fingers crossed....hopefully I will lose about 15 lbs by the time I done with all of this....wish me luck!

Weight Loss Challenge 2

2012 summer brought on another 5 lbs of gift to my body. So now I have about 20 lbs to lose before I am my old healthy weight. 

Ever since I came back from India in 2011, I brought back some different ideas about eating. I got into juicing and sprouting.  My diet plan changed during the fall of 2011. I substituted my lunch for a salad of sprouts and veggies.  I just added a bit of salad dressing and croutons and made sure that it was not all a total of more than 200 Cal. That was my lunch from Sept 2011 - April 2012.  Dinner was my main meal. But it also never exceeded 400 Cal.  In between I would have tea and some snacks.  All of the eight months went by without losing one single pound. In fact I regained the 5 lbs I had lost in India during the summer of 2011.  OH!! What to do?

Nothing seems to be working. 

I added fresh fruit-vegetable juice to my diet. So 3-4 times a week I would drink juice instead of snacking.  No weight loss....

In February I joined an online website - Calorie Counter to keep a track of what I was eating. The website calculated that I had to consume about 1200 Cal to lose 1 lb a week. Sure I can do that. But did I lose any weight after 3 months of doing that? NOPE. Not a single pound.

In April I started getting ready for my summer travel to Kailash. So I started walking about 3 miles per day. In keeping with the same diet I had all the time, I still did not lose a single pound.

What is it about the body that it does not want to let go of that fat?? 

And then in summer 2012 I went back to India.  It was hot this time around as well.  I did not walk around as much as I did in 2011 but my diet was very different this year. I still had the good breakfast, but hardly ate any lunch or dinner.  And I still managed to gain 5 lbs.  This is getting to a point of annoying.

So now it is war!! I cannot back off now. So, I made a pact with a good friend that I had to lose the 10 lbs this year starting from September 2012.  Now that I have said it aloud to a friend, it would be embarrassing not to come through.

Weight Loss Challenge

For the past 6 years I have been trying to lose 10 lbs that I suddenly gained in two months.  I could see the pounds sticking on me but could not do anything to stop them! Why did I gain 10 lbs in two months? I don't know: maybe I was not feeling well, maybe it was my age, maybe I was stressed, maybe, maybe maybe....But whatever the reason, I have been trying to get rid of those 10 lbs ever since.  Before that 10 lb gain I was trying to lose the 5 lbs I had gained earlier on! So now it was a total of 15 lbs that I needed to lose. Darn!

It has been six years and I have not lost a single pound. Well I lost 5 but gained them back in one year.  This is an ongoing challenge I have in my life. I am so tired of carrying out these extra 15 lbs. And since this summer, I have added on 5 more! So darn it - now it 20 lbs that I need to get rid of!! The saddest part is whatever I put on just does not want to leave me!! What the heck is going on??

So here is what I have done in the past 5 years to lose the extra padding on my body.

The first try - The Gym: I have been an avid fan of the gym ever since I came to the USA. University of Toledo had a great new gym and I had lost 10 lbs of my body weight working out 4 times a week.  Oh those days were something else!! I continued going to the gym in Buffalo, Vancouver and then in Parkville.  I enjoy working out. It is very satisfying and I feel good about myself.  One hour is the typical amount of time I used to spend in the gym.

Anyway, so I joined the gym in Winchester also. It was a great gym called Anytime Fitness. I could go anytime and workout without anyone interfering in my routine. And since it was a new gym all the machines were new and there was hardly any crowd.  My teaching load was not much, so I started going 4-5 times a week.  My routine was a combined 40 mins of walking, elliptical or the stairmaster.  And then about 40 mins of weight training.  Since I used to have a personal trainer in Park University, I know how to mix and match.  After 5 months of this routine guess how much weight I lost - a big fat ZERO!! 

That was very disappointing for me.  But I had the membership so I continued to go but the enthusiams was not there.

The second try - The South Beach Diet: This is based on high protein and low carbohydrate diet.  Okay...I am a vegetarian, this would be hard for me, but I had to give it a try.  So much so I cut out all the sugar, which is the hardest thing for me to do since I had to give up my favorite thing - tea.  But I gave it up for 2 months.  I became creative in my cooking and very stingy in my eating. I developed a taste for Diet coke with lime which was my alternative to tea. As per the South Beach Diet plan, after 2 months I added little bit sugar to my diet - only in tea and in once a week dessert.  How much weight did I lose after 3 months of this routine? A big fat ZERO!!

Another big disappointment for me! But I knew there must be something going on in my body. So I got my hormones checked.

The third try - Thyroid + Gym: So it turned out I had a little, teeny tiny, hypothyroidism.  No problem. Bring on the drugs. I took some of the hormone and still went to the gym with the hope that the thyroid would help in boosting my metabolism. But no - zip - nothing.  My body was in love with the 10 lbs of fat.

It was time to move to Florida in 2009.  The first year was very stressful for me, buying a house, adjusting to the new college and new city. But I still managed to find time to go to my community gym.  As usual, I went but my fat did not. 

So comes around 2011 summer time, when I spent my two and a half month vacation in India.  It was the months of June, July and part August. It was bloody hot in India with only a fan in the room. No problem. It was my decision to go to India in the hot weather and I would bear the hotness.

I ate very simple food for lunch and dinner, but always had good breakfast. I had tea/coffee whenever I wanted. I did walk a lot during my first month of being in India and during that one month I managed to lose 5 lbs!! I was beyond happy!! Unbelievable.  This was awesome.  I never did lose the next 5 lbs. And the saddest part is that I gained those 5 lost lbs right back when I came back to USA.  So I think the stress my body went through during the first month of being the hot weather caused me to lose the weight but not sustain it.

All of this has been anticlimactic for me.  But my determination is not gone.  I am still on the path.....keep reading!