Root of the Problem

Remove the root of the problem not the people who “use” the problem – guns, heroin. That is ignoring the problem.

The shootings are happening all the time.  There is no place that is off limits except the House and Congress because they don’t allow guns - how selfish of them!  But otherwise guns are everywhere. No place is safe anymore.  The mall, the airport, schools, university campuses – anywhere….The 2^nd amendment supporters will say we need more guns so we can kill the people who are killing.  I don’t see any example of that.  So, a good guy with a gun is nowhere when a bad guy with the gun appears.  Of course, the answer is – everyone should be armed so one can shoot to kill at any time.  Wow! What a society we are raising.  Learning to shoot – all the time be on our guard so we can kill anytime!! I thought that is why we had the police/law enforcement.  But the police are so damn scared that they would rather shoot an unarmed person.  And if there is a shooter on premise then the whole army of police will show up! Ridiculous. So, there is a great imbalance and nonsense going on here. 

The 2^nd amendment promoters have tried to arm everyone – and it’s working.  The shootings are happening more often and more human beings (and animals) are dying.  I wish just for two years they will try an experiment where only the police or law officials had guns. No citizen would have a gun. The need to kill for people does not go – one can kill with knives also, but less people can be killed by knives than with one single gun.  Just for two years – try the experiment.  If we have more gun violence in those years, then I will myself lobby for the gun industry.

The second issue that this bothering me a lot is this heroin epidemic.  More people are dying from heroin overdose than guns.  Officials are trying to study why people are doing drugs….NO…try to find out where they are getting the drugs from and shut that pipeline down.   But that is too difficult.  WHY?? I feel corruption and lack of effort are the answers. 

Regarding as to why people are doing drugs.  America is becoming too dependent on the drug industry – and now I mean the pharmaceuticals.  Any little pain, disorder and they run to the doctor for a pill.  And now many states have legal or medical marijuana available in their states. Oh well…that is a perfect recipe for addiction.  For a nation that is drug starved this is the perfect storm.  The pharmaceutical companies will soon start getting into the marijuana business also!  

Then we will just be a drug addicted-gun totting country out to kill anyone who disagrees with us on whether guns and pain killers are good for you or not.  Meanwhile Trump and his cronies will make all the money, there will be no money for healthcare – so all these people will die early (as the white women already are because of depression and drug overdose). I don’t know where this country is going.  I thought America was the greatest country in the world – what happened to being smart? Being ahead in technology and development? How can a foreign entity sway such a huge nation as USA??  Are we really that dumb? 

Well…. apparently so!

Building Walls and the Willfully Ignorant

Build friendships not walls. Be informed not remain ignorant.

It really bothered me when Trump started his campaign with building a wall between Mexico and USA.  What?? It just showed what kind of leader he was going to be – divide and conquer.  Well the conquer he has done – the division is working slowly. Things really have not gotten any better in his behavior (for me) – I still feel he is a vile hateful and vindictive human being. I don’t think my paycheck will get any better with him as a president – I think I will be paying more in health insurance (no ACA anymore) and my taxes will go up (to pay for that darn wall).  Neither of these things will benefit the people who voted for him but meanwhile all of us will suffer.  It is amazing how quickly he has alienated so many people in this one year. He has created fear and uncertainty.  I used to feel safe and free in this country – but not anymore.

The people who supported Trump are willfully ignorant.  All they want is a white man back in the “white” house.  How could a black man live in their “white” house! The women have so much more to grow. They would support a sexist, racist etc etc man in the house than a white woman who is generally balanced and will do only good for the country.  There is so much going on here that I cannot put into words.  We as women have a lot to grow and support each other in general.  There are multiple problems here – one I think is women have been dominated and controlled by men for so long that it will take them a long time to get out of that control. Especially the white man.  He is the most privileged man on this earth.  

One day all is going to fall apart and suddenly we will realize that we are all together in this world. All of us have something to offer, we are all in this together.  The earth does not belong to the richest – they just claim their stake on it. One day – it will all change!

Support

Human beings need support of each other: physical, emotional or financial, whatever kind, but we cannot exist in isolation.

For the first 25 years of my life, I felt the on and off support of many people in my life - my parents, aunts, uncles, my brother and of course my friends. But this support did not come with love or dedication. It came as a responsibility and duty and that is where it ended. There was no heart or love in it. I always knew I had a home somewhere in this country or the other, but I did not feel that I belonged anywhere. Every home was a stop to somewhere else. I was like a gypsy.

After 25 years when I graduated with my PhD I really did start to become isolated.  I started living on my own and without revealing too much...its been a loooong time. The first three-four years were hard, since I was moving so much and settling in new places. It is hard to make friends and develop a support system.

I became financially independent since 25 (actually since 21, but graduate student living was below the poverty line - no savings!). I have not needed money from anyone since then. And that I am really happy about. I will never give up this independence.

Emotional and physical support have been hard to come by.

At home it has been hard to find support. There were challenges on every turn - especially where my marriage was concerned (which is a big deal for any girl). Whether it was - when to get married or to whom to get married to, or what kind of a guy was right for me, and then later after I gave up and got married to the next guy I met (big mistake!) then....staying married or getting divorced. There was no support from my old friends or family when I was getting divorced. During the hunt for a guy, during the marriage, during the divorce, everyone was thinking only about themselves. No one was thinking about me. I felt completely isolated. The couple new friends who helped me through those tough times will forever have my gratitude.

My friends have been my strength for me in all my gypsy years. I have managed to make good connections wherever I have lived and I still have maintained some of those connections (some get lost in time). I can count the number of my close friends on one hand. It is hard to trust anyone these days. People have their own motivations for making friends. I will not hang out with a group of 15 people and call them my friends - I need my 2-3 close friends who I can talk to heart to heart over a cup of tea. I can usually tell in a few meetings whether I can trust a person or not - although my heart and trust have been broken a couple times.

Work has been equally challenging. Every place that I have worked at - there has been a female chemist colleague who has sabotaged me - once an american Caucasian and once a Vietnamese, once a Chinese-Nicaraguan. WHY? I don't know. I knew it was happening and I would go to my bosses to ask for their support, but nothing happened. No support. It got so stressful for me that I had to change my job each time to get away from these females. But there is no running away for me. I just don't know what it is about me that makes them hate me so much. And yet again, I have a boss who does not have the guts to support me.

And then.....*cue in the angelic music*....a male colleague stands up for me. For the first time in my life I feel vindicated. I did not realize that this is how it feels when someone believes in you and stands up for you. No one has ever believed in me for anything. All the time when I was crying out for support at so many times in my life - no one was there. But now - someone believes me. I don't know what the outcome will be, but it felt really good to have someone on my side, for once in my life.

I think all this lack of support for so many years, compounded by living alone (in so many places) for so many years has made me different person. I look inward to solve my problems. I don't talk easily to people about my problems - what is the point? No one understands my situation like I do. Most people are also not interested in listening - they have their own issues and most people don't have time for anyone.

But I know the value of support. I hope I have stood up for people when they needed me to, I hope I have supported my friends in whatever way they needed - financial, emotional, mental, professional :-)

When I think about what I would want in a good friend or from a person I trust - it is unconditional support. And usually unconditional support is packaged with unconditional love, trust and honesty. Of course it has to be reciprocated. I will not break anyone's trust and faith they have placed in me. That is the ultimate betrayal.

Frustration

Sometimes I think that the world is collapsing around me. No one could have it tougher than I have….what did I do in my life to deserve this? Is it ever going to get better? Why me??? 

I have been through this several times.  But then I have to make myself go on…there is no one else to help me out and get through these times, so best to have some strategy that works out.

One of my first instincts is to shut down.  I don’t want to talk to anyone.  For about a day or two I just think about the situation and feel bad or angry. I masticate on it, sleep (or not), and just try all the solutions on my own.  My next step is to talk to my good friends. I have some really good ones who I can talk to about certain problems. Different friends help out with different situations.  Most of my friends these days are from work and slowly we have become close.  I have also learned over time that my friends can help me only if I share my experiences with them – otherwise we will just be superficial friends.  So I do share with them!

Talking to my friends has always helped me. And of course we usually have friends who think like us. But luckily my friends have not been afraid to speak their minds to me and I have the comfort level to listen to their point of view.  And no matter what they say I still have to decide for myself. Although many times I have followed their advice and it has served me well. As I have always said, I am blessed to have good friends in my life.

Once I have talked to my friends then I take the necessary action to resolve my issue.  Usually by that time, I am on a path to some action or in the process of letting it go. 

There have been situations where I am my only friend. I depend on myself to make the right decision. It has been tough, but luckily I am not a hot head.  I am not impulsive. I do have anger issues but they are for sometimes really trivial things.  Usually when something really bad happens to me, I am very calm. Sadly.  My anger is quite passive aggressive – I will not talk for a while. I go into hiding. I never have shouting matches. I hate shouting.  Although I have been told that my tone is bad – but it always depends on who is listening. 

And generally somewhere between all this stuff, I think about all the people who are going through so much hardship in their life. The refugees who have had to leave their homes and now live in camps.  The veterans, who just serve their country but come back with not just physical but mental injuries. So many of them have to restart their lives.  All the women out there who don’t have even 5% of what I have. I think about the people who lived a good life but due to change in government were persecuted for their life style.

There is too much grief in this world.  Every day I have to think about all that is good in my life and move from there.

There will always be people who make will make me feel bad, little or meaningless, but they don’t control me. I am responsible for my own actions, my own character.  And eventually my own sanity. 

Acceptance - Trump - 4..5...whatever

I cannot believe the people of America can be so dumb so as to believe all the fake news.  But recently I have been reading a book that says you can train your brain to do anything. And one of that training is to believe a lie. Yeah! Weird eh!? The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we have forgiven someone for something terrible they did. The very honest truth is that no one can forgive. We learn to live with the "acceptance" that we cannot change the past - so we fool ourselves into believing that we have "forgiven" the person. This is a big lie.

That is what happened in this election.  All the people who have lost the coal jobs, the manufacturing jobs somehow believe that this man can bring them back are delusional. They want to believe....just because it gives them a sense of hope that they were not getting from the other side.  So whoever can speak to their "belief" is going to be their saviour.

The other big factor I felt was that Trump's whiteness and his golden hair (and his children's golden hair).  He is a story book character - all white and golden, rich, has his own plane, has a model for a wife etc etc....People somehow revere that more than honesty of a person. A lie told by this golden haired person was much more believable than a the truth spoken by a white woman.  I don't think white women realize that they are going to be a minority soon - especially in the work place.

So back to acceptance.  At this point, I have to accept that we will not have a sane person at the helm of USA.  We will have a rich person who only sees money and power.  The people on the way are just nuisance to be trampled on to get to his goal. Every time this man appoints a member of his cabinet there is an uproar in the press of negative things about that person.

We have to accept that things will not be normal.  This is the season of losers.  All the people who were losers in their campaigns or districts are now employable.  They were losers because of their bad policies - but now because of this one big loss for America, we will be led by the losers of all USA. All the policies will be extreme and not in the best interest of America - only in the best interest of the person in charge.  Unless the GOP wakes up and does something - which they will not, we really have nowhere to go. So best accept it - fight it if you can.....

My place in this world is so small right now. I feel powerless and hopeless to do anything. I have to wait for people in power to do the right thing.  But it is kalyug...one cannot hope for anything good.  As everyone says things will get worse before they get good.  I thought we had already been through that with Bush - but I guess there is more worse that USA has to see.

I will accept all the changes Trump is bringing.  He will not do anything good for the country, but people voted for him and he needs to do what he needs to do .....

President - 3 or 4....

This one is dedicated to Trump....

This man never laughs. He does not have any friends.  I feel like one of the reasons he ran is so he can surround himself with people. And now he is the king....he is surrounding himself with his once enemies (the people he bullied). He seems to want to say to them, "Look I won - you did not!". That is why he is calling them all one by one or collectively to his "towers" and making them kiss his feet.

Now he will have friends!!

This man does not have friends. One does not have to read about him to know that fact. Children are dear - that is one thing - but the way he hangs on to his is like his lifeline. 

One of my biggest problem with him is that he has never had to work a day in his life.  He had everything given to him by his father. Every time he needed money all he had to do was ask his Dad! The same goes for his children. They have been raised with not a silver but gold spoon in their mouth. And now these people will be running the USA! Wow!

All Trump wants is a way to get even richer. That is why he admires Putin. He was endorsed only by one billionaire, Thiel.  All the others know he is a fake. He wants to use his presidential stamp and USA's money and strength to make himself richer. He already has his name licensed everywhere - so as he is conducting government work (which god knows if he will do) - he will promote his business. His children are always sitting in on all the meetings - why? This is such a mess.

And worst of all - this man does not read .... at all. His attention span is only 140 characters! So he can only do is twitter. What an intellectual we have as a president. It is so embarrassing.

Most of his supporters hated Hillary so much that they don't realize that they have just given the con man the treasury. He is now appointing all people to dismantle everything possible including freedom of speech which he is doing himself.  I don't know how America can tolerate this. This is not why I came to America.

I hope some of these wonderful leaders of ours (Obama, Warren, Sanders etc) will come forward and put and end to this hostile takeover by Trump.

Dear Zindagi - 3

The purpose of writing all these posts is not to blame anyone or feel pity for myself. I have to understand where I come from, what I need and what I stand for. At the end of the day, I should be able to look in the mirror and feel good about myself - that I did not hurt anyone, I did not betray anyone's trust, I was there for them.....

The movie, Dear Zindagi, was not deep, and it does not have to be. The key thing for me was that it discussed something that we don't ever talk about.  There were some takeaways for me:

1. Parents are only humans. We put them on high pedestal but they are just human beings trying to live their lives as best as they know how to. As children of our parents, our whole being is a result of treatment from our parents. As children we believe they cannot be wrong - they are the ones who teach us everything - how can they be wrong? But time and time again that has been proven wrong. Parents are as human as anyone else. 
2. Why do we punish ourselves? Why do we believe there is some great prize waiting for us if we go through a lot of pain? We push ourselves to take great risks to our mental and physical life to live our life just because it will make us better, stronger and earn respect. WHY? Why don't we take the easy way? What is the problem in that? 
3. It is important to look inward from time to time, look at our relationships and just like we try to keep our body healthy, we should learn to keep our relationships healthy. They should not get rotten or get fungus on it. They need to be kept fresh and flavorful! This closest relationship of a nuclear family is mostly taken for granted. I have written about this a lot in my blogs in various places.

People don't change their behaviour unless they want to. So I don't try to change anyone or expect anyone will change for me. I also cannot change myself too much....we always remain who we are.

We have our baseline of needs and requirements in life. If those are not met then life can be very difficult. I have many things in my life that make it comfortable, but it has not been easy.  The journey has been hard.  And being alone has been the hardest thing possible for me because I never expected I would be alone. Fighting alone, dealing with emotions alone, having no one to talk to, doing all the work alone. It all gets very tiring. And I am getting very tired. I feel like I have no patience to play games anymore. I want what I want or get out of my way.

I want to enjoy the money I am earning in traveling where I want to, doing what I want to do. Find a person who enjoys life as much as I do and live my life with him. Just relax and take a day at a time. No worries ... no fights.... no competitions....nothing....just an easy going life.  Why can't it be possible?

I don't think I was made for this world. I don't know how to live in it.