Support

Human beings need support of each other: physical, emotional or financial, whatever kind, but we cannot exist in isolation.

For the first 25 years of my life, I felt the on and off support of many people in my life - my parents, aunts, uncles, my brother and of course my friends. But this support did not come with love or dedication. It came as a responsibility and duty and that is where it ended. There was no heart or love in it. I always knew I had a home somewhere in this country or the other, but I did not feel that I belonged anywhere. Every home was a stop to somewhere else. I was like a gypsy.

After 25 years when I graduated with my PhD I really did start to become isolated.  I started living on my own and without revealing too much...its been a loooong time. The first three-four years were hard, since I was moving so much and settling in new places. It is hard to make friends and develop a support system.

I became financially independent since 25 (actually since 21, but graduate student living was below the poverty line - no savings!). I have not needed money from anyone since then. And that I am really happy about. I will never give up this independence.

Emotional and physical support have been hard to come by.

At home it has been hard to find support. There were challenges on every turn - especially where my marriage was concerned (which is a big deal for any girl). Whether it was - when to get married or to whom to get married to, or what kind of a guy was right for me, and then later after I gave up and got married to the next guy I met (big mistake!) then....staying married or getting divorced. There was no support from my old friends or family when I was getting divorced. During the hunt for a guy, during the marriage, during the divorce, everyone was thinking only about themselves. No one was thinking about me. I felt completely isolated. The couple new friends who helped me through those tough times will forever have my gratitude.

My friends have been my strength for me in all my gypsy years. I have managed to make good connections wherever I have lived and I still have maintained some of those connections (some get lost in time). I can count the number of my close friends on one hand. It is hard to trust anyone these days. People have their own motivations for making friends. I will not hang out with a group of 15 people and call them my friends - I need my 2-3 close friends who I can talk to heart to heart over a cup of tea. I can usually tell in a few meetings whether I can trust a person or not - although my heart and trust have been broken a couple times.

Work has been equally challenging. Every place that I have worked at - there has been a female chemist colleague who has sabotaged me - once an american Caucasian and once a Vietnamese, once a Chinese-Nicaraguan. WHY? I don't know. I knew it was happening and I would go to my bosses to ask for their support, but nothing happened. No support. It got so stressful for me that I had to change my job each time to get away from these females. But there is no running away for me. I just don't know what it is about me that makes them hate me so much. And yet again, I have a boss who does not have the guts to support me.

And then.....*cue in the angelic music*....a male colleague stands up for me. For the first time in my life I feel vindicated. I did not realize that this is how it feels when someone believes in you and stands up for you. No one has ever believed in me for anything. All the time when I was crying out for support at so many times in my life - no one was there. But now - someone believes me. I don't know what the outcome will be, but it felt really good to have someone on my side, for once in my life.

I think all this lack of support for so many years, compounded by living alone (in so many places) for so many years has made me different person. I look inward to solve my problems. I don't talk easily to people about my problems - what is the point? No one understands my situation like I do. Most people are also not interested in listening - they have their own issues and most people don't have time for anyone.

But I know the value of support. I hope I have stood up for people when they needed me to, I hope I have supported my friends in whatever way they needed - financial, emotional, mental, professional :-)

When I think about what I would want in a good friend or from a person I trust - it is unconditional support. And usually unconditional support is packaged with unconditional love, trust and honesty. Of course it has to be reciprocated. I will not break anyone's trust and faith they have placed in me. That is the ultimate betrayal.

Dear Zindagi - 2

So back to “Dear Zindagi”. The first connection I felt with Alia’s character was that I also don’t have a stable romantic relationship.  I have not had much of an intimate relationship with men.  The kind of men I have encountered in my life cannot be trusted and sadly none have stood up for me.  I have thought a lot about it in the last five years as to why I got a divorce and why I don’t have a partner in life.  I always come up with only two factors: 1) No one has ever been loyal to me.  I need someone who would be faithful. If I cannot trust the person then I cannot be with them and one way or another I will let that relationship die.  2) I have yet to meet a man who can handle me. I may not feel strong internally but I externally I come off as an independent, strong woman. It is possible that men cannot handle it.

Different women require different things from their spouses or romantic relationships – money, home, children etc., while some were married young and were more open to adjusting.  But for me it has always been loyalty and personal strength (confidence). And then I wonder why is that? If I was a little more flexible in my needs I would have stayed married or found someone. And this takes me back to how I grew up being betrayed all the time by the ones close to me.

There were so many times that I just wanted to run away from everything.  And even now, when I am living alone, I still want to run away from everything and everyone.

The second thing I could relate to from the movie was the feeling of being abandoned.

First I was happy that I did not have to be with my parents when they left me in India to study, but only later on I realized how wrong that decision of theirs was. No parent sends their 16 year old daughter away to another city - forget another country.  They did not send their son anywhere. I was left in care of relatives, but they were strangers to me. At that age I had to learn how to manage so many things.

The same thing happened with my PhD I did not know even what a PhD was. No one in my family had one. Only my MS professors had PhDs and none of us asked them how they got it or why or what to do with it.  A number of friends finished their Bachelors or Masters and got married.  But not me! I was going to do PhD. I was so proud! Only later I realized that my PhD had nothing to do with anyone caring about my higher education.  My father wanted to make sure that my brother had someone taking care of him during his education in USA.

All of this for me translated into: I was no good for anything except to make sure that my father's son was taken care of. Regarding my care, my parents would always say, "Oh she can take care of herself"! Sure!! They had only two responsibilities – one to educate me and one to find a nice family for me (as all Indian parents do for their daughters).  The first happened because I was capable of doing PhD and because they did not have to pay a penny for my PhD.  And they failed in the second one.

One might say – "Why are you complaining? You have a nice job, a house and you are independent."  That is true. That I am thankful for – but there is a gaping hole in my life that will never be filled.  And yes there are many girls whose life is tougher than mine – but I can compare myself only to my peers – all of whom are successful career woman with families and a support system.  I had to fight for everything myself.

There is always this feeling of abandonment, that everyone is going to leave me eventually (and I am not speaking about death).  No matter how much I do for anyone, eventually they will leave me when I need them. And most people have. This is not a feeling I felt one time...this is a feeling that keeps reinforcing continuously with experiences - I cannot ignore it. And the good for nothing husband did the same thing....he chose to leave me instead of fighting for me.

I felt really let down when I got married.  No one tried to stop the atrocity that was my marriage.  The guy was no where equal to me any way.  And in this day and age that should not have been the case.  And my parents should have known that they did not raise a Sati-Savitri.  But I could see from that time that I was always going to be alone.  During the two years that we were looking for a potential husband, my father showed me colors that I have not seen before.  I felt completely betrayed. By the time the “would be husband” came along – I was tired of fighting and explaining. I had given up. The loss was mine, and the lesson was mine too. I gave up on any support from my family at that point.

Now I have made myself such that I try to not let things affect me. I do what I have to do, need to do and should do, so I can live without any regrets.  But even that can be trying. I have to routinely deal with the negativity of my father, the general apathy from my mother and total lack of support from my brother.  Regardless of whether I can get love or not from family, one thing I will surely get is criticism.  There is no shortage of that.

One might say I am being dramatic – sure go ahead.  It’s my life and my experience. No one is going to come and live my life for me. When the times come, I have to handle things myself.  I decided what job was good for me, where I had to move, which house I had to buy etc.  I cannot count on anyone’s objective or caring feedback to give me the emotional and mental support I need. I cannot even count on telling anyone anything without them getting all judgmental on me. So now I just keep quiet about so many things.

One might ask – have you talked to your parents about this? My answer is why? There is no need to.  Everyone knows what they are doing. My parents are educated, mature individuals who have gone through a lot in their lives also.  They know exactly what they are doing and they don’t care for the consequences. One cares for the consequences only if one has something to lose.  The one time that I did not speak to them for a few months during my divorce, they drove 11 hrs from Detroit to Kansas City to see me.  And since then I don’t make them feel like they need to do reach out to me like that.  Regardless of how they behave with me, they are still my parents and if I can make their life easier, I will.  They don't really think I have anything to complain about so they will not understand my perspective...so no need to explain anything. Just keep living.......

Because of all this nonsense in my life – loyalty is above anything else to me.  My trust has been broken so many times that it is very hard to trust anyone.  Although I have to trust people in order to get anything done, but I have noticed that people are not all that dependable anymore.  Everyone is looking out for themselves. Their own purpose should be served, that’s all that matters.  Everyone for himself!! Sadly I don’t follow that philosophy so I will always have a hard time in life.

And that is why I want to disappear.....I really do.

When to call it Quits?

Having been through some issues in life, I have learned to know my limits and be ready to call it quits when I cannot handle things anymore.  What is the right time to call quits? For me it is simple - when it seems that life is unbearable in that situation (for whatever reason). The sad thing is that it has happened to me a few times.

For me, my work is important. It is one thing that keeps me engaged in life. It's not a burden, I enjoy it.  So if I am not enjoying it anymore, then what is the point of it all? I have had to change jobs because of this. It is a big decision: to take my life I had built for so many years and move. Pack up home and office. Ending one social life and starting over is the hardest part. It is hard to call it quits, especially for me - living alone means having to do a lot on my own. And then getting to a new location, starting all over again! It takes time to know where everything is where to get everything done. As I am getting older, its getting only harder to move. 

The same thing happened with supposed to be my life partner. Some marriages are not made in heaven. They are made on earth and come with an expiration date. As much as you want to make this kind of partnership work, sometimes its just not meant to be. Again this was a tough decision. But my health told me that if I did not take care of this situation, someone will have to take care of my health for the rest of my life. That is not how I wanted to spend my life. I wanted to believe that my life was something more than a big compromise. I wanted to live for something, some hope that there is happiness for me in a relationship. I knew I would be alone in my decision to call it quits, but I was willing to bear that rather than spend my life with someone who had no interest in me. 

Friendships are also a delicate balance. A good friendship is a hard to find. This is one area I have been quite lucky. I have always had good friends everywhere I went. Some may have taken little advantage of my generous nature but for most part I have not suffered much. So far there has been only one friendship that I just had to give up on. There was nothing I could do....there was just no communication and no justification for my friend's behaviour. The sad part is that even when the friendship was revived, there was that trust issue that nagged me somewhere in the heart. As they say....once bitten twice shy.

I don't know why people test each other so much that the other person has to think about quitting. I believe there is strength in unity and love. Life is so much more fun with people in it - otherwise one might as well be a hermit. Whatever time we have to spend on this earth should be spent enjoying each other's company, supporting each other and helping everyone to get to a higher goal - to make life more comfortable and bearable.

Ultimately, for me, it comes down to trust. If I don't trust my situation, my job, my friend, my relationship - that is it for me. I quit. It is not worth it for me any more. Trust is a big issue for me. When I trust someone I give them everything and I will do anything for them; but once that trust is broken, I cannot go back. It's just not the same anymore.  

So that is when I call it quits!

Blessing or Punishment

During our life we meet so many people - some more memorable than others; some stay in our lives for longer time than others. I have lived in many places and have met so many people along the way (and its not over yet!). When I was younger I did not think too much about this, but as I am getting older (and maturer!) I have opinions, experiences and memories. People can be all kinds - acquaintances, friends or even relatives.

Some people are like a breath of fresh air: I meet them and think - wow! Please stay in my life for a longer time- you are so refreshing in this grim world.  Maybe that is why they don't stay - that refreshing feeling will go away - maybe it will not - but I will never know. They never stay for more than one meeting!

Some people are helpers: they came into my life when I really needed help or I was looking for a person of that "qualification". These people come and go - sadly they have not stayed longer either. They came to help me at the perfect time. Although I think I can still call on some of them. (Like the gentleman who fixed my couch for a great price!!) :-)

Some people are blessings: they have stayed in my life as a support system. I know they are there for me. I can call on them when I need them; they are dependable and I can trust them. Their presence in my life is proof for me that I am doing something right. I must be good to them also for them to hang around my life for so long. My long term friends...thank you!!

Some people are punishments: these people have come in my life as a lesson for me. It is very late in the relationship that I realize these people will never give me any comfort or happiness. They will always test me, want from me and treat me poorly. No matter how good I am to them or how much I do for them, they will always hurt me. I can never trust them and they will never be there for me. They may be good to other people but not me, they are just.....a punishment in my life. 

I can only hope that I am blessing in people's lives and not a punishment. Although I think some people may think of me as punishment that is why they are not able to treat me as I would like to be treated or as I should be treated.

As Forrest Gump's momma said, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get." I will only hope that I have more people who are blessings in my life and that I am a punishment for no one.

Selfishness

We have met our share of selfish people. I don't have any wise words to say about these people or how to deal with them. I just want to write that I have met selfish, deceiving and lying people.

I was blessed during my college years (BSc, MSc and PhD) to have really nice friends who helped me enjoy my college years and have a good social life. I never felt like I missed out on anything. Some of my friends were so nice and so helpful that they made me want to emulate them. We would do anything for each other.  Those were really the good 8 years of my life....

Ever since my working years, I have encountered selfish people in each of the work environment.  Why? Maybe its the competitiveness nature of the environment or just a personality clash, but it was always very painful for me.  These people have been so incredibly selfish that they have managed to ruin some of the best years of my life. I could have achieved a lot more, accomplished so much more if only I had a colleague who would have just kept their poisonous tentacles away from me.

Luckily during these times I have had very good friends....for most part. There have been only one or two who have sucked the life out of me. And of course friends end up hurting us more than our colleagues. There is a lot more intimacy between friends than colleagues.

Relatives can also be selfish - and they are related to you, so it is hard to get away from them. Sometimes you cannot do enough for some of them, they keep expecting more and more.

I think selfish people have no empathy or sympathy. They exist in an emotional void where the only emotion they know is their own; the only problems they see are their own. They are the center of their world and they cannot imagine why others cannot see that fact.

I find selfish people emotionally draining. I have the habit of thinking and rethinking of situations that have occurred in my life, so I can assess what I could have done differently or in some cases I just cannot get some things out of my mind. And the more I think about the selfish people, the more I realize there is not much I could have done, because it was not me - it was them.  The only thing I could have done was stay away from them, which sometimes was not a possibility or it was too late.

In some cases I feel that I was aiming to please my friends/relatives; in some cases I was a little gullible and trusted too quickly. I always want to see the best in people and I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. But people take advantage of this nature. They manipulate and abuse the relationship.

I don't think there is any getting away from such people as it always takes time to figure them out and by that time - the deeds done!

Selfish People

I have not been able to write much lately. I have been preoccupied with some thoughts that are really bothering me.  I hope these thoughts are temporary and will go away with time, but right now I feel emotionally raw.  I have been lied to,  I have been used and taken for a fool.  It is a really hard feeling to deal with. I've lost my faith and my trust.

It will take some time to get over all these feelings, but until I do, I have to live with them daily....

I think this is the first time I have had to deal with such feelings. Most times I am quite a good judge of character and withdraw a lot before somebody cheats me; or I am aware of the person's nature so I know what I was getting into. But really for most part I have met good and honest people.  But this was the first time I was conned into believing that I meant something in a way that was completely not true.

So who gave me these feelings? Who treated me this way? Of course, I cannot tell who dealt me this life lesson. But this person turned out to be very selfish - I was always there for them; always listened to their problems; gave them what they asked for (and more!) without questioning them - I trusted that they were speaking the truth.  Somewhere in my heart I still believe they were. Then why would they not trust me enough to tell me the whole truth?

They always claimed to be my friend, yet they would hide things from me; not give me answers; judge me for expecting simple things from them.  It was not a few months relationship - it has been a few years. At one point people have to decide what they want in a relationship - I guess they did....their accusations, their hiding of the truth and misleading me showed me how less my feelings meant to them. If one only keeps taking from me and not give me anything in return - not even the things that are free: love, respect, care and honesty; then what is this friendship?

They always did everything for themselves and their family; they protected themselves and their family.  They never thought about my emotions and my feelings and how their behaviour was affecting me.  And now....there is nothing.

I don't even know what to think anymore; there have been too many emotions. But the sad thing is that in order to protect their situation, this friend has never considered mine.  They know I live alone, and that I am emotional and that I am getting attached to them, but they never gave a damn. It was always about them and their family only. How can one think so selfishly? And now they want to talk as if nothing in the past (good or bad) ever happened....how can that be? How can anyone be so casual about relationships?

I can only hope that I will never meet such kind of people any more. I hope I have learned whatever lesson God was trying to teach me. Everyone says that you always see in others what you are yourself - but I am not selfish; I don't play with peoples emotions and I certainly don't betray my friend's or anyone's trust.  What I am, is what people get...I have only one face.

I also wonder what kind of life such people had - how much have they been betrayed and lied to in their life? Do they have anyone in their life who they can trust or love? Why do they think this is way to live life? Or did they just behave like this with me?

Right now I am not able to talk to these people - I just don't know what to say to them. They will start talking as if nothing has happened, and I don't know if I can believe anything they say anymore. I feel like some part of my heart has been crushed. They are going on about their lives as if it was just another person who came in their life and went; as if there is something wrong with me and they are absolutely right in their thinking. But that is not what friendship is - you have to look from the other person's perspective.  On the other hand they could be feeling bad also, but how will I know unless they tell me...and how will know they are speaking the truth?

I just wish there was some balm I could use to repair parts of my heart and feelings and trust.

Ignore

I read my Papa's views on Stonewalling, and it made me think about ignoring. Both are similar concepts. Both are communication blockers. Both create the feeling in one person that his or her view or feelings are not important.

Stonewalling means: "not answering any question when asked directly or refusing to participate in a discussion."

Ignore, as the dictionary defines it, is: "refuse to take notice of or acknowledge; disregard intentionally."

Disregard intentionally?? The reasons anyone would do that to me is if they:

• don't care for me
• have no respect for me
• don't care what I think
• don't care for my feelings
• are really mad at me

- It is a very typical behavior that if you are mad at me you will ignore me (because just looking at me will make you even more mad). But I think if you are mad at me about something - then come on and lets fight it out. Just finish the cold war. Hash out the differences; one way or another, figure out what is going on. Not every fight will have a happy ending but at least we would have tried.

- If you are ignoring me just because you don't want to reply to my concern or question - then it means you don't care about me or my feelings. Or that maybe you are hiding something from me, which breeds distrust in relationships.

 - If you are ignoring just because you don't like me - then really!!??? Just grow up and be mature. Learn to handle your feelings such that you can be civil without being superficial. We are all adults and we all don't have to like each other - but we can be civil.

The one thing I have never been able to stand in my life is being ignored. If I know someone is ignoring me, I take it very personally and I make it a point to avoid that person so that I don't have to behave the same way (although in some ways they do make me behave like them....I may have to ignore them too).

In my view - no one should be ignored; no one is that trivial (not even kids!) that their sentiments be ignored; their feelings be ignored or their views be ignored. Everyone should get a chance to be acknowledged and be heard. Because in reality - everyone wants to be acknowledged. (I have written about this before) Everyone wants to feel they are valued and that their existence matters.  I don't have to agree with everything they say, but at least I can give them my attention.  Ignoring someone's emotions/feelings/views makes the other person feel all sorts of complicated emotions and then I don't know what the short/long term consequences might be. Don't forget - every action has consequences.

When I am ignored, I feel -

• worthless - like I have no value in the other person's life,
• they don't give a damn about what I feel, which means they don't care about me
• they don't respect me
• non existent - that I don't even exist for them
• hurt.....
• uncomfortable in their company
• and most importantly - I cannot trust them anymore. Because I don't know when I am being taken seriously and when I am being ignored.

Of course it also depends who is ignoring me: 

• A student or distant coworker: it does not matter. They are too busy in their lives. If I am important to them, they will not ignore me.
• An acquaintance: don't worry - they are not that important anyway, let it go.
• A colleague: jealousy is a big factor here. This is really hard to deal with.  It has to be taken care of diplomatically.  I have dealt with this one too many times and each time it has exhausted me.
• A good friend or family: this is the hardest one. Where I have deep emotions, time invested in a relationship, then I also have more expectations, and if I am ignored by them, then it is really hurtful.  It definitely needs to be taken care of. Talking is the best way; but of course that is a two way street - the other person must be willing to participate. Once the misconceptions have been cleared up then the trust has to be rebuilt. And then time and emotions are again invested in that relationship.

I know how I feel when people ignore me, so I have changed myself.  I try my best to not ignore people. I let them know that I am not available, or I am busy - because they deserve a response - however untrue it might be.  And if someone is important to me then I will always be honest about what is going on. Honesty is the best policy.

Ignoring anyone is very hurtful and I will just say - ITS NOT NICE - so don't do it.

One last point to mention here is when after saying something serious, someone says to me, "Ignore what I said." How does one do that? Just like an arrow, once shot from a bow can never be taken back, spoken words can also not be called back. The thoughts that come to my mind when I hear those words are, "What else should I ignore?" "Why did you say something if you did not mean it?" "What about in future? Should I know already what to ignore or will you tell me again?" I cannot ignore what my friends and family say to me.

One absolutely last point.....sometimes I just don't know what to say or how to talk to someone anymore. This dilemma causes a time lapse in communication.  Unless the other person takes the initiative to communicate, the time lapse becomes longer and it feels like I am ignoring the other person; when really I just don't know how or want to talk to them anymore.

Where Does my Strength Come From? Part 2 - A Theory

Everyone draws their strength from somewhere - family, friends, spiritual leader etc.....So what makes me strong? Where do I get my strength from so I can keep my inner Energizer bunny going?

Now that my background is out there (Read This Blog First), I can look back and think of all the places that my life could have gone in the wrong direction but it did not. There are many factors that make us who we are. Some will chalk everything to "destiny". Which may be true, but then it takes away our power of analysis and self-reflection. We will not attempt to do anything, which may also be destiny, but as a human being we should feel we have some control and we should have the ability to do self analysis.

My Home Life - My Parents (years 0-16)
My first credit of strength goes to my parents. We learn our values from home. The main things are written below - I will write details later for each phase of my life (coming later). All of these have brought a center of gravity for me - put me on a path with good foundation.

• Togetherness - We were always together as a family; we traveled together, played cards together, went on walks together, studied together, always ate together. We were a close knit foursome. 
• Communication - We talked a lot as a family. All the time at home, at walks, during playing cards or watching a movie - we would be talking - making comments. For a long time we had no TV - so talking was the thing to do in our home. My parents would communicate about so many things - friends, incidences, family structure etc. 
• Written Communication - Since we were out of India our only way to communicate with relatives there was letters. So I learned how to write letters from my parents. Even now, I write letters or make sure I maintain my connections. Letter writing is a lost art these days.
• Helping Others - My father is of a very helping nature. He would help anyone, anytime and in any circumstance. I realize now that many people don't have this characteristic. And that help, for most part, did not go unappreciated. I have thus learned that if anyone is in a position to help then one should, otherwise what is the point of earning money or having "things". 
• Good Habits - My parents never talked about drugs or alcohol, but their off handed remarks were enough for me. I never even wanted to try any drugs etc. Even now I have no inclination towards any form of neurotransmitters (except caffeine - tea is a must!)
• Social Life - We had a very active social life in the 12 years we were in Nigeria. The friendships were strong and we all depended on each other. I have carried on that tradition of making good friends. Luckily, for most part, I have been a good judge of character and have not been cheated too much. And where ever I have moved I have maintained my relationships.
• Cultural Awareness - We are Hindus but we are not conservative. I grew up with an open mind and heart. Our friend circle included people of various countries, backgrounds, religions etc. I learned to mingle with everyone. Even now my friend circle is as diverse as a botanical garden.

From My School Years (until High School) (11-16 yrs)
These were some of the hardest years of my younger years. But here are the positives. I also learned some things that made me cautious and the depth of certain relationships.

• Competitiveness - since I was the youngest one in all my classes all the time, I had to work harder to get good grades. And I had a brother in the same class, so there was that sibling rivalry. This characteristic always drives me to do better in whatever I do.
• Daring nature - I don't know how, but I have always been strangely fearless. I don't care what people will think about me. It may have started at Vanasthali where I was the foreigner - the girl from Nigeria. I had to be able to do what I wanted to do, otherwise it would not get done.  And thus began my independent streak.....
• Its Okay to be Alone - that was one lesson I learned in Vanasthali.  I did not, could not make friends, no matter how hard I tried - the Indian girls were just different. So I learned to be alone at 11 years of age. And I still work on this at this stage of my life.

College Years (India) (years 16-20)
Technically from this point onward I consider myself an independent adult. I used to come home for vacations but I felt sometimes like I was a guest in my own home.

• Compromise - Living with relatives for four years taught me a lot of compromise. I really grew up fast in Meerut (B.Sc.). Hazing in college really teaches you to be humble. 
• Not Taking Things Seriously - At that time the only way I could teach myself to get through some of hard days was that, "don't worry, its going to be over in a few months!" And that is because I was a guest for most part where ever I was - at home or in the hostel or wherever. This is good and bad. The good is that I can bear anything for a while. The bad is that I have never had to live with anyone in a long term commitment.
• Trust and Friendship - I knew true friendships for the first time during my M.Sc. years. My girlfriends there were amazing. I had genuine, down to earth friends and we were all loyal to each other. 
• The Power of Connection - Both my admissions, B.Sc. and M.Sc. were through connections of my uncles. I realized the value of connection and knowing people during those years - here in USA we call it networking. 
• Hard Work - After enjoying too much in B.Sc. I realized that I had to do better in M.Sc. So I studied my behind off. And it did pay off.  

Addis Ababa, Ethiopia (year 20)
The best advice I got was from my boss in the AAU chemistry department. He told me this as I was leaving for USA to do my PhD. He said, "Sapna, you don't owe anyone any explanation for your decisions." And boy he was right!

USA Years
Ph.D. taught me even more about hard work, having good friendships, value of social circle. When I started doing my post doc work I realized that chemistry was not an easy field to get into for women. During Ph.D. I was valued as an "Indian" student, although I did not feel Indian (I also faced discrimination because of my ethnicity). During post doc I felt the discrimination of being a female in the male dominated field of chemistry.

So Really.....
I still don't know where I get my strength or if I am even strong.  All my past experiences have contributed to my being able to stand up for myself, make my own decisions and be independent. My biggest comfort comes from the fact that I don't really have to explain myself to anyone. You can accept my decision or not - its up to you because I am going to do what I have made up my mind to do. I can give my reasoning if anyone is interested - and really most people are not.

There have been some heart breaks and major negative events on the way; I had to force myself to not get depressed. I have to keep going - mostly because I have only myself to depend on. If I give up on myself then I might as well give up on life - so better shake off the bad feelings and keep moving. If I stop, then life stops for me. I think being away from home since 16 years of age has given me some ability to protect myself by being stubborn and decisive. I feel I am the one who knows myself the best so I am the only person to make decisions for myself, and I am the only person responsible for myself.

Living alone has made me do things that I would never do when I was with friends: simple things like watching a movie alone or touring places by myself, driving in the loneliest of the highways in the pre-cell phone era (and keep praying that you don't have an accident). I realized that if I don't do these things that it was going to be my own loss.  Among the hardest things I have done, is pack up my home 5 times and move to a brand new city with no idea of what I was getting into (that part of strength I get from my parents who did the same thing!!).

And...Discrimination
This will be a whole separate blog, but I still want to mention that I have felt all sorts of discrimination: as a female, as a short person, as an Indian, as a foreigner (even in my own country - India) and so on. It made me realize that people are not very accepting in general. But since I have always been a fish out of the water, I have learned to swallow bitter pills and not let them pull me down. I don't know if that made me stronger; but it definitely made me more aware and I learned to live with it.

Last Word....
Couple other pieces of advice I got when I came to USA; and I found both to be very useful for me. I follow them at much as possible.

• If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything.
• If you do something, give it your best otherwise don't do it.

Anticlimax

For the first time in sooo many years I am not feeling the light headedness of the end of the semester as I used to. What happened this year? Why this feeling of emptiness?

At work I have been supremely busy. It is not just the teaching, but being the chair of the department, being on two search committees (for the same darn position), having routine study session with students, teaching two night classes, participating in college stuff, making the schedule for summer and fall....it goes on and on.  On top of that trying to make travel plans for summer. 

This year the biggest drains on me, mentally, were three people - A, B and C.  All three of them have been so entrenched in my life this year that they have made my very normal routine life an emotional one.  They could have made it easier if they were just normal but I am realizing more and more that people are not normal.  They are mostly selfish, self-centered and immature and don't realize the effect they have on the other person. 

Just trying to keep my head on straight has been tough.  I had to try much harder to stay focused, practical and emotionally stable this year.  And it has been hard - very hard. I am so exhausted that I don't even know what I want anymore.  I keep getting this feeling that I have to go to work on Monday, when I am on vacation for the next three months.  That is how preoccupied I have been.

As much as I feel supported by a lot of people around me, I also feel there are very few people I can really trust and talk to. Everyone seems to have an agenda.  They are only looking out for themselves, whereas I am looking at the big picture.  

ABC were definitely not my friends (read my blog on friends) but sadly they were not even the normal kind of people; I seriously misunderstood their intentions.  I so badly wanted it all work out. But the harder I tried the harder I fell. I want to give the benefit of doubt to people and trust them. But of course I learnt the hard way that trust is earned not given. Yet again my romance with life taught me lesson.  As a result I became this discontented kind of person who was always complaining about people and things, when really I am such an easy going person.  And of course all this came out as anger in some cases but more often it comes out in tears.  Which can be really emotionally exhausting. 

All in all this year has been anticlimactic of what I was hoping for.

I am hoping that the summer can bring closure to some things and rejuvinate my spirit.  And finally I can just hope that the next year is better than this year. 

Timing in Life

"Timing is everything in life"

I truly believe in this statement.  If you don't do things on time then you can do them as much as you want, it is not going to have the same meaning.  There is a saying in hindi "sona mitti kar diya". There are many examples I can give to make my point. Here are some...

1. Listening - when one is talking to someone, it is really important to pay attention.  If a statement requires a response and you don't respond at the right time.....well...that shows your interest in the person! If you keep ignoring them then they will get the message that you don't really care about them.
2. Visiting - when an incident happens to anyone (especially a sad event, eg a death in the family) you have to visit at the right time otherwise you might as well not visit.
3. Calling - some incidents require a quick call.  This lets the person know you are thinking of them.  And that is an important part of maintaining relationships....thinking of each other.
4. Email - this is the hardest one these days as this is now the slowest kind of communication and some people don't check emails everyday.  However, etiquette says that if someone has asked you something via email then they deserve a quick response.  Again, if not done in timely manner, you have lost your chance.

Sadly, we get lazy or we are procrastinators and keep thinking -

• oh I'll get to it;
• I will do it tomorrow;
• let this person calm down - then I will call;
• there is no rush;
• this is not important (enough to justify my few minutes of time);
• why should I call? they never called me.

All of these are just excuses for someone who does not want to communicate. These are not real reasons.  What timing also tells us is that taking action is important.  One has to act in a timely manner.  It may not be important to you but the other person may be waiting only for your response. Sometimes, rarely, you have to wait and then respond (again it depends on the nature of event).  But sometimes when you wait too long, you lose the moment. And then no matter what you do time will not come back.  This reminds of a sad/nice hindi song....

Don't let it happen to you! Take action at the right time otherwise there is the risk of losing relationships.

Of course you will do all these things only if you want to maintain relationships and care about people. If you take them for granted then they will also know that you mean nothing to them. In that case you can do whatever you want :-)

One last quote..."Lost time is never found again" - Benjamin Franklin

Friendship and Betrayal

It is the 15th of March.  It's a special day for me (in a good way).  However it is also known as the Ides of March - the day of betrayal - from Shakespere's Julius Ceaser. It was the day Julius Ceaser was betrayed by his closest friend Brutus.  All Julius Ceaser could say was "Et tu Brutus?" when Brutus stabbed Julius to death.

There are many stories of friendship and betrayal in this world (another one is Judas's betrayal of Jesus).  I am sure all of us in our lives can remember a friend who lost our trust, who told us lies, who was not there for us when we needed them or they were just not the person you thought them to be.  And then we also have friends who have stood by us - no matter what and no matter for how long.  These are very few. (If you have them - cherish them!)

Read my previous blog on Friendship.

Betrayal means a loss of trust and/or to be disloyal to someone.  There is a saying that keep your friends close but your enemies closer.  I think sometimes we are more prepared to deal with our enemies than with our friends because we spend too much time observing them and analyzing them.  So much so that we sometimes lose sight of our friends.  These friendships, if not maintained, have the potential to turn sour.

There are hardly any friendships across genders because the truth of the matter is that men and women can never be "friends" (personal experience also).  The only "friendship" (if it can be called that) is between Radha and Krishn; which is more like pure love rather than a friendship.  But still, it is a relationship without the cultural boundaries of marraige.  But apart from that one example, male-female friendships are not possible.

So, my wish for everyone today is to hold your friends closer ..... rather than your enemies. That way when it comes time to fight with an enemy you will not be alone.

So instead of the "The Day of Betrayal", lets make it a "A Day of Loyalty".

Inventory of Life - Friends

Friends are some of the most important people in our lives.  I feel sorry for anyone who has not experienced good friendship.  Life is lonely without friends.  I have been blessed with good friends wherever I have lived (and I have lived in many places!)

As we all know, we don’t have a liberty to choose our family, but we do have the liberty to choose our friends. Many times our friends are closer to us than our family. We will tell intimate details of our lives to our friends rather than our family. 

There is a popular sayings about friends: “You have friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”. 

We encounter people in our lives who sometimes help us through the darkest of our hours and then dissappear.  They were there for only one reason - to help us. I have felt so many times a sense of loss in meeting such people.  But, I think these souls are never meant to stay in our lives; it could be a debt they are repaying from a previous life or a divine person who appeared to help us.

Some friends are seasonal.  I remember during my Ph.D. days, I could not have had such a good experience without the group of my very close knit friends.  We depended on each other socially, professionally and personally.  Yet now, most of us have moved on in our lives leaving the past as pleasant memories.

My lifetime friends? Well.........there are some and I still have some life to live.

Sometimes we have a variety of friends to fulfill the different aspects of our lives; some to socialize with, some to watch movies with, some so that the kids can socialize etc. Our needs and requirements keep changing as we are growing and so people keep coming in and out of our lives. The ones that "click" - stay, the superficial ones disappear quickly.

Friendships can be so rewarding as well as challenging just like all relationships.  But if a friendship is strong, it will meet all the challenges and keep growing.  A true friend will adjust, tolerate and be there through good and bad times without asking for anything in return (although its never a good idea to have a one sided relationship - one person will get tired of giving all the time.)

Speaking for myself: I have many friends and I care about them all and will help out as much as I can; but only a few of them really care about me - and those are my true friends.  Living alone has its own challenges, so when I become friends with a person, my friendship grows on the basis of respect, dependability and trust.  As time goes on, all other pieces should fit in place.  I know I am not perfect, and I don’t expect my friends to be perfect either, but if certain qualities are not there then I know that the friendship will also be fragile.  There are qualities I will compromise with and some that I will not.

Here are the qualities I think are valuable in a friend.  These work both ways - I myself should also have these qualities to be a good friend.  (These days you don't even have to live in the same city to be good friends.)

• Dependability - Be there for for each other.  What is the point of a friend if they are not there for you?
• The ability to listen - Listen to each other so we understand each other.
• Trust - The ability to confide in each other with complete trust.  I really don’t want them to gossip about me.
• Honesty - Goes right along with trust.  Lies can destroy any kind of relationship and freindships are held together by invisible bonds. Once broken, that bond is tough to remake. 
• Non judgemental – accept each other as they are without wanting to change them in a selfish way.
• Support – Support each other emotionally and physically. In these days of increased communication there is no excuse for being an absentee friend. 
• Inspirational – Help each other grow; we should be able to learn new things from each other as the friendship develops.

It seems like there are too many qualities needed to be a good friend, but in reality if you really care for someone's friendship you will adjust and be the kind of person your friend needs. Otherwise .... well....it was never meant to be.   If you look carefully these qualities are also that of a good person :-)

There is also another popular quote “You are known by the company you keep”. 

Nothing can be more right than this. You are influenced more by friends than family (peer pressure rules!!).  If you keep good company, that is how you will become. So for your personal self-development you should want to surround yourself with people who can help you go forward in your life, rather than backward. If your friendship is leading to depression, anger or frustration then better look for another friend. These are not the habits one should develop in life.

Our life is given to us to grow into better person. You get your education to learn new things in order to make your life more disciplined, be able to support yourself in this life, and live within the community while fulfilling all your civic duties.  Your friend should inspire you to do all these things.

A very wise Indian, Chanakya said, “One should not have a fool for a friend or wife, both will ultimately lead to sorrow.”

One thing I have not mentioned above is gender in friendships. Women have very different friendships than men do. Women tend to view friendships as connecting with each other.  Talks turn into therapy sessions and women will share almost anything and everything with their good friend. Their friendships are emotional and are entirely based on trust and loyalty. Men may not share so much. They are not as communicative and tend not to share personal and intimate part of their life. They tend to shut off whereas women end up talking about stuff to get it out of their system.

One last thing about gender: men and women can never be "just friends" - that is my firm belief. There will always be that physical attraction. And if one or both are married - to other people, then the spouse might get the wrong impression even though its all innocent. There is that occasional "work wife" or "work husband" with whom one can discuss all their "work" related issues which the spouse may not understand. But I think that can get also into the danger zone - simply because men and women cannot be "just friends".

Take this quiz to see if you understand how men and women communicate differently.

In conclusion:
Friendship is a strange relationship: it has no religious boundaries, no educational restrictions, in fact friendship has no restrictions whatsoever. It is a pure relationship between two people who want and do the best for each other all the time. Each friendship is unique, so no two friendships can be alike. Each friend is also different: each different friend satisfies a different need for the one person. Friends can bring out the best in each other. True friendship is rare. So if you find a friend you connect well with – hold on to them!!