Mustard Seed - Book Review

I never expected an author with the last name Ibrahim to write about something so American so white and so historical about America.

I am really glad I picked up this book to read. It was very nicely written with authenticity to historical facts. The story is about these two families, one white one black connected through a slavery past and connected again 20 years later through freedom.

The story is written from the perspective of two young women, one black and one white, both with very different vision of their future from their older generation. I don’t want to write the whole story but I do want to make some observations:

·        The next generation can choose to be different, if they want to. But it takes a lot of courage to break tradition. I am not saying the cowards choose to stay in the older culture, I think they find security in it. They like carrying out traditions and their family history, no matter how awful it was. But again, to them it is not awful because it is their “family” history.

·        One should learn history. Without history there is no future. Our present is based on our past and if we don’t know what that is, then how do we grow?  We will keep repeating the mistakes of our past.

·        Some things are inherently bad, no matter which century or culture one lives in. For e.g. stealing – always wrong to take something that does not belong to you. Slavery, in context of this book, will always be bad. If you need people to work for you, then you pay them for the work. they will be your employees. And if you treat them properly they will always work for you. But greediness is one of the causes of slavery.  The other is denigrating another person.

·        There is nothing that love will not conquer. Some people are definitely born evil, but there are a number of people who’s lives would change if they got love and compassion from family and friends. This is one reason I despise bullies. They create an environment to create evil just like what they themselves are.

I did not know much about slavery before coming to USA. But then I saw Mississippi Burning, the movie, and it showed me a side of America I had not imagined. And now with Trump in the White House, I see America burning everywhere. I have never felt so brown in my life!

I don’t like watching or reading anything about slavery, but reading about it me gives me more perspective on who these Americans are that I now call my fellow citizens. (It took me more than two years to get myself to watch 12 Years s Slave and it really bothered me that people can be so evil.) All the Americans I had met were hospitable and friendly in Toledo, Buffalo, Missouri.  I could not even imagine they had a racist bone in them. My PhD boss, a British guy, was racist, but it did not affect me so much personally and our research group was quite diverse so a number of things got absorbed or ignored.

In Virginia I could feel the racism from my students, and I had a hard time accepting that any white American could be this way. I left Virginia very soon. But since then I have read some books and watched movies on the slavery issue, mostly fiction. All of the stories are drawn from nonfiction, of course. The atmosphere in America has also changed a lot since Obama became the first black president.  All the racists started coming out and now with Trump in office they are all out. I now find it incredibly hypocritical of Americans talking about not letting immigrants come into their country, when essentially that is what they all are.

I don’t think I even want to venture into reading about the Native’s history or it will make me even more mad. I have seen a couple movies and I some books and that also make me super mad! Some of the whites think that the world belongs to them and they can treat people however they want. The sad thing is they have been getting away with it too!

Back to the book, it was really well written with all the pain and helplessness one feels in certain situations. The best part of the book was the positives in the book despite all the miserable happenings. The two young women were strong in character and ultimately came through for each other.

Women in the Trump Time

The one thing that Trump has certainly done in his two years so far has been to bring out all the suppressed women out. More women are running for office, more women are coming out of the dark place to talk about their sexual abuse history. There has been so much in the #MeToo movement that I have also been thinking about my own history. (more on that later)

The one thing that I am observing is that men will be men, no matter which country or what age or what race. They will always think less of women, disrespect them and want power over them. It has been going on forever and I feel it will take a lot more time before we women will be considered the same as men.

I cannot wrap my head around the fact that 99.99% of the rapes or sexual harassment is committed by men.  Why? What is in their DNA that allows them to commit such a horrible act? The male can be a teenager or educated or in places that require some ethics yet they can behave in a lowly manner. Women on the other hand just don't have that kind of gene in them. Not that we always behave properly....but we don't rape men or women.

I also don't understand the women who keep supporting these kind of men. Why is sexual harassment not seen as criminal? It is not just bad, it robs the other person of their humanity and dignity. These women who still stand by these men are equally guilty in these men's behaviour. In the last two years so many older men have been outed by so many brave women, yet the women in their personal life stand by them. How? I would be so embarrassed to be by such a man. But still in this day and age, the women are victimized over and over again about something that happened to them, not anything they ever wanted or caused. Yet, most men don't have to suffer much consequences for their actions.

Now to my story - I cannot write in detail about my experience because it involves family members and some colleagues.  Thank goodness it did not happen too much or for too long. But it did open my eyes to who would support me and who would not. I have a lot of trust issues because of my experiences.

I just cannot imagine why women cannot support each other, create a safe environment for their daughters and girls in general. We would all benefit greatly from a healthy and loved society.

The Joys and Perils of Living Single

I have been living along for 20 years now.  It is a loooong time to be alone.  Initially it was the job that took me to places where I had to be single, and then it was the job and destiny that kept me single.

My first single living experience was in Buffalo, NY, for one year.  I had an apartment to myself, I could do whatever I wanted, eat whatever I wanted and since it was my first "sort of real" job, I could buy whatever I wanted.  It was great! I decorated my place, bought the furniture I wanted (some of it made me overdraw on my account - but it was a lesson to be learnt). I learned the hard lesson of cleaning snow from my car and driving in the snow of Buffalo....still gives me the chills.

Second single living was in Vancouver, BC, Canada, again for about one year.  I had a nice little basement apartment, typical of Vancouver living.  I never felt lonely in Vancouver.  There was so much to do, life was all around me.  I had a few good friends to hang out with and the rest, I did not care. I went everywhere I could possibly go.  I did not know if I would ever come back there after leaving so might as well enjoy every moment of it. And I did! The only bad part was not having means to do laundry at home. I had to haul my laundry to a laundromat once in a while.

The longest single stay so far has been in Kansas City, MO - 11 years.  This, as Charles Dickens would start to say, was the best of times and the worst of times.  Academic life kept me busy for most part, I worked hard to get my promotion and tenure, but there was always time for fun.  I managed to take some evening classes, learned about computer science, web design, programming, candle making and yes.....candy decoration :-)  Every Indian friend of mine was married and eventually had kids.  I was lucky to have the best girlfriends who had wonderful husbands.  If it wasn't for them being good, I would not have been able to have an active social life. It seemed like I had three circle of friends; the Indian group, my academic group and my student-friend group. All of them kept me occupied one way or another.

Then came Winchester, VA, for two years. Winchester was the place where I really started watching more TV.  Work was limited to 12 credit hours of teaching.  I would be home by evening and then I would go to work out (diligently) and then.....nothing! I tried to have a little social life but there were three groups in this little city - the punjabis, the bengalis and the south Indians.  All with their own language and groups. The only hindi speaking person was a newly wed couple next door - and they were a little too lovey dovey for me to socialize with. I did do some touristy stuff there....but how long can that last for anyone?

Now I am at West Palm Beach. And as I took a walk in the Okeeheelee trail around the lake, I was thinking, "Wow! I was doing exactly the same thing 7 years ago! Nothing has moved in my life. Things may have gotten a little worse maybe. My pay has not improved, my working condition has gone down and my personal life sucks." So 7 years of complete nothing. Meanwhile, my friends have gotten married, have had babies, kids graduated, bought new homes and cars.....

As I am getting older, I have some more time to look back and see where I have been.  Of course I have more years behind to look at also! And as I am still single, I think about - "Is this really where I wanted to be when I was in my 40s."  I never in my wildest dreams thought I would still be single at this age.  All Indian girls get married by 26-28, so would I.  But ..... well that is another story (or blog).

The best part about living alone is the independence.  I get to chose what to do, what to eat, where to go, where to shop, when to shop, where to spend my money, what movie to see etc etc.  I am not responsible for anyone else but me...and the three plants I have at home.

The downside to living alone is the being "alone" part.  I have to make all my decisions - no one makes them for me, so I better be good at them.  I have to manage everything - domestic, academic, auto, travel etc all by myself.  Sometimes it is too tiring for me to even go and get the milk from the store....but I have to, or I will not get tea. The most boring part is not having friends like myself. At this age, I am limited to being with people I like - not just because I "need" to hang out. All girls my age are married, have kids etc...so it's little hard to socialize sometimes.

I spend a lot of time with my lovely TV. Writing has become my new hobby. The laptop is literally attached to my lap now. I do get to do innovative things that I would not do if I was with someone because I may not get time to think as deeply as I do now.

In short, I would say, life has been good.  Not great....just good. I have tried to do my best in my circumstances with my brain power. I have no regrets so far. I have stood by every decision I have made and I still believe that I am better off single than in a bad relationship. Loneliness hurts sometimes, but with being with a person who hurts you all the time it's worse.

Pragyopnishad Part 3 – Family - Women

Chapter 3 – Women

A woman’s role in a family is key for the progress of the family. She is the real maker or breaker, man is only the helper in keeping the family. So a woman, in whatever role she is in – daughter, wife, mother or sister should be educated, happy, healthy and cultured. She should be self reliant as early as possible. 

The woman is the heart and life of the family. She is Bhramvidya, shraddha, skakti, purity, art etc. She is murtiman, kaamdhenu, Annapurna, siddhi, riddhi and is everything that can save mankind from all problems.

Whatever effort is put in developing a female will be returned infinity. In a home:
Man is kanisht – woman is varisht
Man is khanij – woman is khadaan

Whatever woman makes man will take out whether it is iron, gold etc. So woman is the mine of elements whereas man is the miner. You cannot grow a farm in the sand, so woman is the soil where a home grows.

Woman is shakti, that is why she is called devi. If you have to make the world a better place then you have to respect women. If a woman is left behind in any society then she is like a raw diamond – valuable but uncut. It is for the benefit of all men to respect and keep the woman happy.

Make a woman self reliant. She should get educated and also get the self confidence to speak her mind when needed. She should not be treated as a slave.

Man should help out women at home. Woman is the future of the new world. They have been suppressed for so long. They need to be healthy, have a balanced mind.

Because of this suppression mankind has not progressed. Men have to help uplift women. Half the population of the world has been suppressed and deemed useless – this should not be the case. Both women and men have to lead and walk together, woman cannot be behind. If woman were bad then Ram and Krishna would not have come near women. Lakshmi, Kali, Durga would not be worshipped.

The Single Female in India

This whole thought process happened when I was coming back from Har Ki Pauri on 5^th June.  I was sitting in front with the driver of the Vikram, and he could not help but ask, “Are you alone?” and I said, “No. My family is at Shantikunj.”  He proceeded to ask, “Do you have any kids?” What is his problem?? I said, “No.” And then he proceeded to advise me, “One should have kids in life, they are your life support when you grow old.  I have four boys and you should also have kids.”  So….just because “he” thinks his sons will support him in future, which I seriously doubt, he thinks I should have kids – without knowing anything about me!!

All of this conversation started churning my brain cells and I had to write my thoughts down.  And since that incident I was a little more observant of how people act around me.  For most part it was okay, but there were some that were not so okay. 

Why do Indians have a hard time with single Indian female? Why does everyone ask – “Who is with you? Where is your husband? Where is your family?” Why is it compulsory for an Indian woman to have a husband and kids?  I am person on my own, or am I not?  Do they ask the same question from a single man?  I am quite sure that even widows have a hard time living in India, but at least at one point they had a husband…but these caretakers of the society will still shake their heads if she does not have any children.  (These same people will not help a woman who is being abused by her husband or if her husband has left her for another woman).

But a single, never married (or divorced) woman, is not acceptable in the Indian society.  We can accept single devis: Saraswati, Gayatri etc but not a single female.  Why? Why is it so critical for a woman to be with someone? I understand that it is good to be married and have a family, but just because one does live with family does not make them a sociopath. 

So here are my two cents of what I think about a woman being married for old age and having kids. (And just because I am not married does not mean I am against marriage or kids.  I believe everything happens on its own time….)

I have seen many women who have been widowed in their 50s or 60s – not really an old age these days.  Men usually have a shorter life span than women, so women are generally left alone by the time they are getting old.  And it is not acceptable in our culture for a woman to marry a younger man so in general, women will more likely be widowed.  Most people say, oh you don’t feel the loneliness now, but you will feel it when you are older.  Well okay, but the husband has died by then.  So no matter whether you are married or not, most women are still left alone when they really need someone’s assistance.  Men don’t stick around to give company to their wives in old age. 

And it is not acceptable in our culture for widows of any age to get married again, forget about going out with other men or women for company sake.  The only acceptable social outing for a widow is temple or satsang!

Now for the children:  I have yet to see parents living harmoniously with their children.  Everyone is independent and wants their freedom – so even though couples have well earning children, they would rather live alone.  In fact these days there may be more American parents living with their children than Indian parents.  And if the Indian parents are living with children they are miserable.

So why push so hard for marriage and kids?  Why not promote self sufficiency in a person?

People living alone learn to manage things by themselves.  They become better in dealing with various kinds of people, taking care of their own finances, their career, homes and day to day chores.  How many wives can do all these things? Do they even have the freedom to take care of all these things? Granted they may not need to all those things as they have a husband who may do some of the work, but it is a good idea to be self reliant (remember, guys die sooner than the gals). 

And what about the widowed mother living with her children? Does she, after living a long life of only giving, have the luxury of doing what she wants to do in her old age? Can she spend some money on whatever she wants to?  Does someone take care of her like she took care of her family? I am afraid that the answer may be no to these questions.  So what was the point of her life then – just to give birth and live the cycle of life?

I noticed young women and girls these days are smart and talented, yet they are still expected to stay submissive and accept the decisions made by their fathers and husbands.  It is very contradictory.  On one hand you are giving them education to stand on their own feet yet on the other hand you are telling them they are not capable of making their own decisions.  Girls should be allowed to participate in family decisions with freedom and confidence, just like boys do. That is how they will learn to make good decisions in future.

In many cases I don’t see even women supporting each other in life.  They are trying to pull each other down – mother to daughter in law, daughter in law to sister in law – all these complex relations in our society!  Sometimes even total strangers will say for a woman who is going through trouble – oh she must have brought it upon herself, rather than helping out.

All of this is quite frustrating to watch. And the worst part is that there has not been much progress for women in India.  Granted we have women in some leadership roles, but how many are really good role models?

My vision for girls  is that of self reliance, whether they are single, married, divorced, widowed - whatever.  I think with a little effort from both men and women it is possible to have IT all (whatever that “IT” is for anyone). 

I would love it if girls were empowered in any and all of the below.

• Be educated, so in time of need they can become financially independent.
• Take their own decisions for something as simple as what they want to eat.
• Give all relationships their due respect.
• Live a balanced family life.  This can happen only when they are taught how to do everything and also to multi-task.
• Be healthy and keep their families healthy.
• Be financially capable.
• Believe in "self" and stand up for themselves.
• Stand up against injustice and old fashioned traditions.
• Support other women and speak up for women who cannot speak for themselves.

Just because someone takes their own decision does not make them disrespectful or aggressive. Neither a man nor woman is above the law of humanity.  Taking away the freedom of another human being is not humanity.

Men should not fear an independent woman but welcome her, she can take so much burden off from him and then they both can have a successful partnership in life.  But I think it is all about control and power struggle for everyone!  The ego comes in the way – for both men and women.

Strange thing is that I encountered these same questions (about me having a family) from everyone throughout my two month stay in India. Most married women were very happy to know I was single and well….I don’t know what the men thought J …or maybe I do but just don’t want to write too much about it.