A Robot with a Heart

So I am sitting here watching Wall-E, one of my favorite Pixar movies, and I am thinking, there is not much difference between Wall-E and I.

Wall-E does so much work - and so do I.
Wall-E is dedicated to his mission, even if it is packing trash; so am I...to teaching.
Wall-E is curious about things - so am I.
Wall-E lets cockroaches live - and for most part - so do I.
Wall-E sees a plant and tends to it - I have the same feelings about plants.
Wall-E sees a smart and sleek robot and falls for it - I do also fall in love for smart things :-)
Wall-E follows his heart - and so do I - sadly always heart over brains :-(
Wall-E watches TV and wonders who these people are who hold hands and dance - so do I...
Wall-E is a robot - and 99% of the time I feel like one too.
Wall-E wants to make friends - so do I.
Wall-E would love company, even it is of a destructive robot - sometimes I feel that way too....
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and most important one........
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Wall-E is cute - and some might think I am too!!

One of these days my life will stop feeling like a robotic repetition of day after day. I feel like the various parts of my life and body are rusting with the repetitive days.

One of these days I will also find a planet of life.......

Blessing or Punishment

During our life we meet so many people - some more memorable than others; some stay in our lives for longer time than others. I have lived in many places and have met so many people along the way (and its not over yet!). When I was younger I did not think too much about this, but as I am getting older (and maturer!) I have opinions, experiences and memories. People can be all kinds - acquaintances, friends or even relatives.

Some people are like a breath of fresh air: I meet them and think - wow! Please stay in my life for a longer time- you are so refreshing in this grim world.  Maybe that is why they don't stay - that refreshing feeling will go away - maybe it will not - but I will never know. They never stay for more than one meeting!

Some people are helpers: they came into my life when I really needed help or I was looking for a person of that "qualification". These people come and go - sadly they have not stayed longer either. They came to help me at the perfect time. Although I think I can still call on some of them. (Like the gentleman who fixed my couch for a great price!!) :-)

Some people are blessings: they have stayed in my life as a support system. I know they are there for me. I can call on them when I need them; they are dependable and I can trust them. Their presence in my life is proof for me that I am doing something right. I must be good to them also for them to hang around my life for so long. My long term friends...thank you!!

Some people are punishments: these people have come in my life as a lesson for me. It is very late in the relationship that I realize these people will never give me any comfort or happiness. They will always test me, want from me and treat me poorly. No matter how good I am to them or how much I do for them, they will always hurt me. I can never trust them and they will never be there for me. They may be good to other people but not me, they are just.....a punishment in my life. 

I can only hope that I am blessing in people's lives and not a punishment. Although I think some people may think of me as punishment that is why they are not able to treat me as I would like to be treated or as I should be treated.

As Forrest Gump's momma said, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get." I will only hope that I have more people who are blessings in my life and that I am a punishment for no one.

Feelings and Emotions

I don't care.
I don't have those feelings.
I don't give a damn.
It does not bother me.

When someone says those statements it means either they are denying their emotions or they really don't give a damn, in which case they are selfish.

When people deny their emotions they are lying to others and to themselves. To deny means you are not acknowledging something.  That means you are avoiding something....What?? What are you avoiding? And why?

• Are you afraid of acknowledging the truth? 
• Do you think people will think less of you? 
• Or are you avoiding the responsibility that comes with that acknowledgment? 

People think just because they are saying "I don't care", it makes them not really care or it absolves them of responsibility for their behavior. But the truth is: because you are saying, it means you thought about it, and you then decided you did not care. It was a conscious decision.

The more you ignore your feelings the more you will not be able to handle situations. The sooner you acknowledge your true feelings about a person or situation, the sooner you will have a clearer understanding of how to deal with the person or situation.  Avoidance just postpones the inevitable and then invariably someone gets hurt.

In the deepest of your heart you always know the truth.  To acknowledge it, is the hard part. You try to hide your feelings so much that you develop this dual personality - an outer one for the world where you lie and manipulate; and an inner where you know exactly what you are doing. And if you keep up this dual personality you will not know where you exist anymore - the two will merge. You build this fake world around yourself in which everything is fine - because you don't care - right?

But the reality is - you do care. And inside it will eat you and bother you and the negative emotions - the guilt will manifest themselves in form of stress, pain and other physical ailments. Worst of all the happiness you think you have will not feel real - because you know somewhere along your life you have cheated someone or yourself of the truth.  Sure - we will all live our lives - life always goes on, but the quality of life is not there; the real happiness is not there. You are living just for living sake. And you justify your life by saying - "but this is how the world works - we sacrifice, we tolerate and we compromise."

There is something about compromise and sacrifice that makes it sound very noble - when the reality is in some cases you are doing injustice to all. It is much better to speak the truth so that life does not seem like a compromise anymore. You should want to make that sacrifice or compromise willingly and happily.  And then it will not seem like a compromise or sacrifice.  Your life will be how you want to live, where you want to be, with whomever you want to be with; you will be at peace and you will be happy. Just acknowledge it.....make it real!

And if you really "don't care", then you really are selfish. You use people to your advantage and then toss them out of your life.  Eventually that will also haunt you - when? Who knows? Maybe when you are more mature or when you have time to think about what you have done in life. And if you don't think about it and and it does not haunt you then you are in a completely different category of people (I don't want to name it).

It takes a lot more energy to build a fake world and deceive people.  It is a lot easier to be yourself. Sure we cannot be the same for everyone and you cannot tell everyone everything - but that is not what this blog is about. It is about being truthful to yourself and being truthful to your friends and loved ones who care about you.

One last point - sometimes when we don't care - it means we have given up. We are tired and just don't want to deal with the person or situation anymore. Which in itself is sad, because that giving up causes loss of relationships or no improvement of a bad situation.

I know sometimes I have built a fake world trying to convince everyone and myself that this is what is best for me - but deep down I knew the reality was something else. I have had to make some hard decisions in order to be truthful to myself, and I have no regrets about my decisions.  I think my life is a lot better than what it would have been if I had not been true to myself.

Selfishness

We have met our share of selfish people. I don't have any wise words to say about these people or how to deal with them. I just want to write that I have met selfish, deceiving and lying people.

I was blessed during my college years (BSc, MSc and PhD) to have really nice friends who helped me enjoy my college years and have a good social life. I never felt like I missed out on anything. Some of my friends were so nice and so helpful that they made me want to emulate them. We would do anything for each other.  Those were really the good 8 years of my life....

Ever since my working years, I have encountered selfish people in each of the work environment.  Why? Maybe its the competitiveness nature of the environment or just a personality clash, but it was always very painful for me.  These people have been so incredibly selfish that they have managed to ruin some of the best years of my life. I could have achieved a lot more, accomplished so much more if only I had a colleague who would have just kept their poisonous tentacles away from me.

Luckily during these times I have had very good friends....for most part. There have been only one or two who have sucked the life out of me. And of course friends end up hurting us more than our colleagues. There is a lot more intimacy between friends than colleagues.

Relatives can also be selfish - and they are related to you, so it is hard to get away from them. Sometimes you cannot do enough for some of them, they keep expecting more and more.

I think selfish people have no empathy or sympathy. They exist in an emotional void where the only emotion they know is their own; the only problems they see are their own. They are the center of their world and they cannot imagine why others cannot see that fact.

I find selfish people emotionally draining. I have the habit of thinking and rethinking of situations that have occurred in my life, so I can assess what I could have done differently or in some cases I just cannot get some things out of my mind. And the more I think about the selfish people, the more I realize there is not much I could have done, because it was not me - it was them.  The only thing I could have done was stay away from them, which sometimes was not a possibility or it was too late.

In some cases I feel that I was aiming to please my friends/relatives; in some cases I was a little gullible and trusted too quickly. I always want to see the best in people and I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. But people take advantage of this nature. They manipulate and abuse the relationship.

I don't think there is any getting away from such people as it always takes time to figure them out and by that time - the deeds done!

Selfish People

I have not been able to write much lately. I have been preoccupied with some thoughts that are really bothering me.  I hope these thoughts are temporary and will go away with time, but right now I feel emotionally raw.  I have been lied to,  I have been used and taken for a fool.  It is a really hard feeling to deal with. I've lost my faith and my trust.

It will take some time to get over all these feelings, but until I do, I have to live with them daily....

I think this is the first time I have had to deal with such feelings. Most times I am quite a good judge of character and withdraw a lot before somebody cheats me; or I am aware of the person's nature so I know what I was getting into. But really for most part I have met good and honest people.  But this was the first time I was conned into believing that I meant something in a way that was completely not true.

So who gave me these feelings? Who treated me this way? Of course, I cannot tell who dealt me this life lesson. But this person turned out to be very selfish - I was always there for them; always listened to their problems; gave them what they asked for (and more!) without questioning them - I trusted that they were speaking the truth.  Somewhere in my heart I still believe they were. Then why would they not trust me enough to tell me the whole truth?

They always claimed to be my friend, yet they would hide things from me; not give me answers; judge me for expecting simple things from them.  It was not a few months relationship - it has been a few years. At one point people have to decide what they want in a relationship - I guess they did....their accusations, their hiding of the truth and misleading me showed me how less my feelings meant to them. If one only keeps taking from me and not give me anything in return - not even the things that are free: love, respect, care and honesty; then what is this friendship?

They always did everything for themselves and their family; they protected themselves and their family.  They never thought about my emotions and my feelings and how their behaviour was affecting me.  And now....there is nothing.

I don't even know what to think anymore; there have been too many emotions. But the sad thing is that in order to protect their situation, this friend has never considered mine.  They know I live alone, and that I am emotional and that I am getting attached to them, but they never gave a damn. It was always about them and their family only. How can one think so selfishly? And now they want to talk as if nothing in the past (good or bad) ever happened....how can that be? How can anyone be so casual about relationships?

I can only hope that I will never meet such kind of people any more. I hope I have learned whatever lesson God was trying to teach me. Everyone says that you always see in others what you are yourself - but I am not selfish; I don't play with peoples emotions and I certainly don't betray my friend's or anyone's trust.  What I am, is what people get...I have only one face.

I also wonder what kind of life such people had - how much have they been betrayed and lied to in their life? Do they have anyone in their life who they can trust or love? Why do they think this is way to live life? Or did they just behave like this with me?

Right now I am not able to talk to these people - I just don't know what to say to them. They will start talking as if nothing has happened, and I don't know if I can believe anything they say anymore. I feel like some part of my heart has been crushed. They are going on about their lives as if it was just another person who came in their life and went; as if there is something wrong with me and they are absolutely right in their thinking. But that is not what friendship is - you have to look from the other person's perspective.  On the other hand they could be feeling bad also, but how will I know unless they tell me...and how will know they are speaking the truth?

I just wish there was some balm I could use to repair parts of my heart and feelings and trust.

Social Service

Social service, volunteering, NGO....these are all ways of giving back to the society we live in. We all take from the society, so in our life, we should also give back.

Until 15 years ago, this was a novel concept for me. The only volunteering I had done was in Ethiopia for a short period of time, when I used to read for about one hour a week to the blind. And I thought I was doing that because I had time on my hands and had nothing else to do.  But now I know how valuable that reading must have been for the blind who were listening to me. I wish I had done more.

Depending on what one feels comfortable with, one can do personal service, i.e. give time and skills to a cause; or give money to a cause. Whatever is suitable.

I have done both - time and money so I have experience with both. It is a personal decision for anyone when they are ready for social service. This is something cannot be compelled, it is something that comes from within oneself.

I sometimes wonder if I would be doing so much of it if I had a family. I would be busy with them and not have time to give. But in America I see that volunteering is a sometimes a family affair. Volunteering is part of the school education. Kids learn it at a young age. How neat!! I will say that I have never met any Indian during any of my volunteering events - never! Maybe they and I go to different events.....Although in India there are thousands of NGOs (don't know how many are authentic); but in US, there are hardly any NGOs by Indians.  Nothing good or bad about this...just an observation.

I am writing two blogs on my experiences. I am not done with volunteering or donating money. It is an ongoing process.  Part 1 is on Time Donation and Part 2 is on Money Donation

Social Service (Monetary) - Part 2

Ten years ago, I went to India on a touring trip during my sabbatical. I wanted to go to an Ashram in Rishikesh to relax on the banks of Ganges.  It so happened that the Ashram was hosting a Geeta camp, which I then attended. Amazing camp! I learned so much. At the camp, I met a lady who was running an orphanage for girls of all ages in Dehra Dun.  These girls either were discarded by their families, or ran away from home due to some abuse or other. The lady asked me to contribute to the orphanage to sustain one 12 or 13 year old girl through her education, up to her marriage – so a financial commitment of about 5-7 years.

It was against my philosophy to help out with money, especially if I don’t know where the money is going. But the lady was convincing and she was a friend of a family friend. So I agreed to sponsor two girls (the money was not that much when converting dollars to rupees). I supported them over four years. My experience was mixed: I felt good that I could support some girls’ education and maybe give her a good future; on the other hand, I never knew who I was supporting and what the progress of the girl was.  Over time, I would call the lady but never got a satisfactory answer. Through the family friend, I knew that my money was spent well. It may not have gone directly to the girl, but it did help out in the orphanage.

And that is where my problem is – I need to know exactly where my money is being used.  It could be because my salary is not much and so whatever little I give should have some visible impact. I did not go back to India for the next 5-6 years, so that story came to an end. The sad thing is when I stopped sending the money, the lady never even asked me why I stopped sending the money.

I had a similar problem in Brazil. When I was in Brazil, I had worked with a young couple, who were our translators during our visit. The first time I went there, I was so impressed by their hard work and dedication that I wanted to do something. The man who arranged everything suggested that I pay the couple’s salary since he is not able to pay them too much. I thought – sure I can do that for one year! So I made three payments to him over one year. Two years later, I went back to Brazil for a second service trip. I chatted with the couple to find out if they were getting their salary without revealing any other details. It turned out that the man paid them only half of what I had given for them. Ugh!! When I asked him about it, he said, he needed the money elsewhere in the organization. There was really nothing I could do about it!!

So there….my point seemed to be made again and again.  Money given to organizations like this are never quite used for what you intend them to be used for.

Now I knew for sure that giving money was out of question. But old habits die hard!!

When I went to India recently, I met a young woman, very sweet, very hard working and of very caring nature. Despite the fact that she was poor and struggling in so many aspects of her life, she would always have a smile on her face. I was taken by her honesty and hard-working nature. She would tell me about her life and I could feel her pain!! I could not help myself…..so I decided to support her - financially. Now I talk to her periodically and see how she is doing – I don’t need a full accounting of my money, but I can tell she is not misusing the money. I have met her three times now and finally I feel comfortable in my financial contribution.

One incident regarding this woman will always stay on my mind. I was talking to her one day and she told me about some health issues she was having and that she needed to get some tests done. I knew she was not going to work and therefore she was losing money. I asked her if she needed more money for the tests, and very cheerfully she replied, “I have lots of money!” I was so amused! I did not send her any money for the tests. And that is the attitude that makes her so special to me.

Will I keep giving money in future? I don't know. I will not like to support this young woman all her life. At one point, her sons should take over and take care of her. So I will stop at that stage.

And then what? I don't know....

My determination is still not to give money to organizations. I have been asked by one or two NGOs to donate money, but I will not give - I need to work with them in order to see how they work. So at this time....they will get only my time!!