I have not been able to write much lately. I have been preoccupied with some thoughts that are really bothering me. I hope these thoughts are temporary and will go away with time, but right now I feel emotionally raw. I have been lied to, I have been used and taken for a fool. It is a really hard feeling to deal with. I've lost my faith and my trust.
It will take some time to get over all these feelings, but until I do, I have to live with them daily....
I think this is the first time I have had to deal with such feelings. Most times I am quite a good judge of character and withdraw a lot before somebody cheats me; or I am aware of the person's nature so I know what I was getting into. But really for most part I have met good and honest people. But this was the first time I was conned into believing that I meant something in a way that was completely not true.
So who gave me these feelings? Who treated me this way? Of course, I cannot tell who dealt me this life lesson. But this person turned out to be very selfish - I was always there for them; always listened to their problems; gave them what they asked for (and more!) without questioning them - I trusted that they were speaking the truth. Somewhere in my heart I still believe they were. Then why would they not trust me enough to tell me the whole truth?
They always claimed to be my friend, yet they would hide things from me; not give me answers; judge me for expecting simple things from them. It was not a few months relationship - it has been a few years. At one point people have to decide what they want in a relationship - I guess they did....their accusations, their hiding of the truth and misleading me showed me how less my feelings meant to them. If one only keeps taking from me and not give me anything in return - not even the things that are free: love, respect, care and honesty; then what is this friendship?
They always did everything for themselves and their family; they protected themselves and their family. They never thought about my emotions and my feelings and how their behaviour was affecting me. And now....there is nothing.
I don't even know what to think anymore; there have been too many emotions. But the sad thing is that in order to protect their situation, this friend has never considered mine. They know I live alone, and that I am emotional and that I am getting attached to them, but they never gave a damn. It was always about them and their family only. How can one think so selfishly? And now they want to talk as if nothing in the past (good or bad) ever happened....how can that be? How can anyone be so casual about relationships?
I can only hope that I will never meet such kind of people any more. I hope I have learned whatever lesson God was trying to teach me. Everyone says that you always see in others what you are yourself - but I am not selfish; I don't play with peoples emotions and I certainly don't betray my friend's or anyone's trust. What I am, is what people get...I have only one face.
I also wonder what kind of life such people had - how much have they been betrayed and lied to in their life? Do they have anyone in their life who they can trust or love? Why do they think this is way to live life? Or did they just behave like this with me?
Right now I am not able to talk to these people - I just don't know what to say to them. They will start talking as if nothing has happened, and I don't know if I can believe anything they say anymore. I feel like some part of my heart has been crushed. They are going on about their lives as if it was just another person who came in their life and went; as if there is something wrong with me and they are absolutely right in their thinking. But that is not what friendship is - you have to look from the other person's perspective. On the other hand they could be feeling bad also, but how will I know unless they tell me...and how will know they are speaking the truth?
I just wish there was some balm I could use to repair parts of my heart and feelings and trust.