When to call it Quits?

Having been through some issues in life, I have learned to know my limits and be ready to call it quits when I cannot handle things anymore.  What is the right time to call quits? For me it is simple - when it seems that life is unbearable in that situation (for whatever reason). The sad thing is that it has happened to me a few times.

For me, my work is important. It is one thing that keeps me engaged in life. It's not a burden, I enjoy it.  So if I am not enjoying it anymore, then what is the point of it all? I have had to change jobs because of this. It is a big decision: to take my life I had built for so many years and move. Pack up home and office. Ending one social life and starting over is the hardest part. It is hard to call it quits, especially for me - living alone means having to do a lot on my own. And then getting to a new location, starting all over again! It takes time to know where everything is where to get everything done. As I am getting older, its getting only harder to move. 

The same thing happened with supposed to be my life partner. Some marriages are not made in heaven. They are made on earth and come with an expiration date. As much as you want to make this kind of partnership work, sometimes its just not meant to be. Again this was a tough decision. But my health told me that if I did not take care of this situation, someone will have to take care of my health for the rest of my life. That is not how I wanted to spend my life. I wanted to believe that my life was something more than a big compromise. I wanted to live for something, some hope that there is happiness for me in a relationship. I knew I would be alone in my decision to call it quits, but I was willing to bear that rather than spend my life with someone who had no interest in me. 

Friendships are also a delicate balance. A good friendship is a hard to find. This is one area I have been quite lucky. I have always had good friends everywhere I went. Some may have taken little advantage of my generous nature but for most part I have not suffered much. So far there has been only one friendship that I just had to give up on. There was nothing I could do....there was just no communication and no justification for my friend's behaviour. The sad part is that even when the friendship was revived, there was that trust issue that nagged me somewhere in the heart. As they say....once bitten twice shy.

I don't know why people test each other so much that the other person has to think about quitting. I believe there is strength in unity and love. Life is so much more fun with people in it - otherwise one might as well be a hermit. Whatever time we have to spend on this earth should be spent enjoying each other's company, supporting each other and helping everyone to get to a higher goal - to make life more comfortable and bearable.

Ultimately, for me, it comes down to trust. If I don't trust my situation, my job, my friend, my relationship - that is it for me. I quit. It is not worth it for me any more. Trust is a big issue for me. When I trust someone I give them everything and I will do anything for them; but once that trust is broken, I cannot go back. It's just not the same anymore.  

So that is when I call it quits!

ET

After a long time I am watching the movie, ET. Such a sweet movie. And as I am watching it, I feel like I am ET myself. I feel so out of this place. I don't know what this place, Earth, is. I don't feel that I belong here. All these people around me are like aliens. They look like me, but I cannot seem to connect with them. As time is going by I feel more and more alienated from this world.

I wish I could call "home" and have "my people" take me back to my planet. I don't know where it is - but it certainly is not Earth. The people here are mean, vicious, insulting, uncaring and unloving. They are more interested in hurting each other, see other fail rather than help each other succeed. I cannot imagine myself undermining anyone, lying or trying to make someone fail in their life. I would do everything to help anyone succeed. What's wrong with these Earth people? Why can't we believe in each other, help each other......

I feel like I am just looking for my own Elliot who can help me get home. That one connection who will make life fun, worth living, enjoyable and lovable....and finally get me home.

I just want to go home.....

Digital India

I am opinionated...no doubt and I say plenty when talking, but I rarely pen them down because as a scientist I feel that I need references for all my opinions. But this is my blog and I can write what I want. Most of it will be my opinion, but hopefully they will be the thoughts of others also.

I have been noticing that a number of Facebook friends, mostly Indian, are changing their photo to support "Digital India". The photo is their photo superimposed on an Indian flag. This is the brainchild of Zuckerberg, no doubt. I don't want to change my photo to support "Digital India" by just pictures.

Digital India is a great idea - lay more network fiber, make government services more "e" - electronic. Here is the link of the most basics about the program if anyone wants to read more - Digital India.

But my question is this - one can change the computer, the speed of the computer but how does one change the "attitude" of the user? One of the biggest problems I find in India in the offices have not much to do with computers; it has to do with human beings. They are not interested in helping anyone. And once all this information is available to these employees, how will they use it or really misuse it.

Once all the infrastructure has to be built then who gets the contracts? I can foresee more corruption in these areas.  And its highly likely that to lay down the fiber network, roads may be broken or dug out. This can lead to more problems. I have visited the great city of Gurgaon, supposed to be all very high tech and modern. The buildings were no doubt beautiful, but one only had to look at the road and see the pot holes in it. And since I was there in the rainy season, I saw roads that looked like swimming pools. How can we not fix those first?

And power? Where is all the electricity going to come from? I know India is trying to get technology from US to build nuclear plants - but that is not the best source of energy. The common man still suffers from terrible power outages.

And water? There is so much shortage of water. Why can't we have water before we can have internet?

I know it is important to have connectivity to the world, it is good to have e-services, but it is also good to have clean water, clean air, fresh vegetables and fruits, literacy for everyone.  Maybe I am thinking this too simplistically. The Delhi International airport is amazing; banking has become convenient; ATMs are everywhere; booking tickets online for railway, airway is becoming common place. It's not that we have not progressed.

But there is so much to do - clean India would be a great thing! Teach everyone how to use a toilet would be nice; have the cities safe so a girl can walk alone would be great!!

Bias and Prejudice

These two things have always bothered me...bias and prejudice. I have encountered both in my life, as I am sure others have.

Prejudice in my mind starts negatively with preconceived ideas and bias develops over time resulting in a negative place. In general both have negative outcomes.

I have experienced prejudice of the kind that Indians are smart people. Which is not necessarily negative, but it can be if the person thinking is thinking of themselves as not smart and then they use it against you. Now I always have to tell my students that smartness is good, but hardworking is also good. I don't know if I am smart or not (I don't want to measure my IQ), but hard working is definitely in my nature. I think that does make them feel a little better.

The other prejudice I experience is my age: everyone thinks I am just a young girl. I am glad I look young, but I have experience and I have a mind. I can make decisions and I have something to contribute to the discussions in which I am not taken seriously.

One prejudice that affected me a lot when I was a post doc was when someone said, "Girls cannot do good chemistry." That really bothered me. I could not even imagine what lay ahead of me in my life. Was I ready for this fight in my life? I did not want to fight. Being a professor has alleviated some of that issue. Now I am more respected for being a chemist and not challenged.

And now for bias. I believe bias is a learned behaviour. I can have a bias if I like a person or dislike them as a result of their past behaviour. And of course if I like the person then I can forgive small mistakes, which I will not forgive if I dislike the person. The like or dislike can be considered as bias.

I like to think that I am not biased against anyone; if two people come to me with the same problem I treat them the same way. This is especially true in my classes. I do have to give a disclaimer sometimes and tell the students that sometimes I have to decide according to different people's circumstances - which really can be quite different. But that I think is not bias - it is a situation.

I have experienced bias towards me so many times, and there has been nothing I can do about it. I think bias comes from a failure to be fair; a failure to see the difference between right and wrong. It is very hard to remove a bias. By the time a bias is in someone's mind, its game over.

Sadly, this "game over" has been for me a few times. I wish there was some way to remove bias from people's minds. It is negative and it destroys people's lives. It takes a mature and learned person be fair and unbiased.

Long Distance Relationship

The hardest of all relationships - this long distance relationship!

Most of my relationships have been the long distance kind. I left home when I was 11 to study 8th grade in Vanasthali Vidyapeeth. It was a very tough time for me, I was only 11 years old and all the schooling was in Hindi medium when I was brought up in an English medium environment. But I had no choice. I left all my friends in Nigeria for one year and I could never get them back. Had to start all over again. At that time my only communication was with my parents - and that too through letters only.

My second and then on to more long distance relationships...came when I was sent to India again to do my BSc. and MSc. Both were challenging in their own ways. For four years I was separated from my parents and brother and some really good friends.

At that time I did not think much of it, because I just did what my parents told me to do. But when I look back and think about it, I realized that it did make me come closer to my brother. We used to fight a lot about a lot of things - it was a lot of three years of fighting!! So for me, it was a relief to go to India. During those days, letters were the common ways to communicate. And my brother wrote to me. He wrote pages and pages to me about his friends and events etc. that were going on in Nigeria. It was nice. And then when I would go back to Nigeria, we would get along just fine. I don't know if it was the distance or the fact that we were growing up that made us get along. But it turned out to be positive. It did not bring me closer to my parents....My friends...I lost them. Letters do not have the same continuity as meeting every day or every week.

After I left India and went back to Africa, I tried so hard to keep in touch with my friends in India but it was just not possible. Girls get married and they move. One has to be in the same city to keep in touch. I was too far away. So I lost a lot of friends. While I was in India, I lost my friends in Nigeria. When there is no constant communication between friends there is a gap which sometimes can bridge if you were good friends to begin with, but sometimes it just widens. For me, it widened. Letter communication is not so easy to keep up. But the constant going back and forth for me from Nigeria to India was not healthy for my friendships anywhere.

Then came USA. My generation moved a lot. The generation before had a different job ideal and market - loyalty was something. But in the 1990-2000s things changed and one became stagnant if one did not move, especially in the hi-tech field, which is where majority of my friends were. There are not that many Indian professors in small universities; and if they are - they are all women following their husband around.

So in USA it became very common for people to keep moving. It got really tiring for me, as soon as I would make a friend, I would find out they were moving. All my investment in time and emotions was wasted. People make new friends in new locations - obviously - that is the social norm. I also moved a little bit. And even that is tiring. Packing aside, I had to learn the city, overcome my shyness about making friends and become more extroverted. It is all very draining for me. And then either I would move or my friends would move. We would keep in touch for about a year and then things would fizzle out. That has been the story of my life.

I have not lived with family also. My parents live with my brother or by themselves. So essentially a lot of my relationships, even close family ones, have been long distant relationships. I have never lived with anyone after I was 23, even for even a month, to know what it is like to share a house.

These days it is becoming a little easier to maintain contact because of all the social media, but to me that all seems fake. Real relationship is when someone cares about an individual, and not just like a post on facebook. Real relationships are also hard; I will have to deal with personalities, habits and moods of people. But long distance relationships, I think are even harder.

When someone is out of sight - they are also out of mind. I don't have to worry about their daily needs or even occasional needs. I just have to pick up the phone, ask how they are doing, chit chat a bit and done! So now even that seems fake to me. People pretend (or maybe they are genuine) to care and ask all the right questions, but ultimately for me the question is, "What are you doing for me?" Anyone can talk and BS their way in any conversation. Real test of relationship is when you do something for one another.

I have seen in all these years of long distance that people talk a lot, but my needs are not met when I need them. Even when I visit my long distance relations, there is a formality. Things just don't seem genuine to me. Or maybe they do things when I am there, but as soon as I am gone, its as if I was never there at all. Maybe I am becoming more cynical or maybe there is a degradation in relationships. I don't know. As I said, I have never lived with anyone for over 20 years. Maybe that makes me a little wary of people's behaviour.

All I can say now is that these long distance relationships are also becoming hard to maintain. There is also the family aspect. Everyone is busy in their families. I am sure there could be time, but then again, I live alone, so I have time. Maybe family people have a gazillion things to do. So then I end up not talking for weeks or months to people. And that also erodes the relationship. Soon then there is nothing to talk about....it is just about How are you and I am fine. I am not looking at their face or they mine.  And then there is the multitasking in which the attention is divided. And I don't know about others, but I would to give and have complete attention when I am discussing my personal life.

There is no conclusion for this post....I am just saying that long distance relationships are tough and it takes a genuine effort to maintain it. Otherwise there can be a loss of trust and care. And once that is gone, what is remaining in a relationship? Its a farce.

To maintain a long distance relationship, one has to keep meeting to revive those bonds and put life back in them.

Needs and Progress - 2

In the previous blog I stressed about making a change in your life to make a change for the better in society. Take a chance, take a risk.

In this blog I want to say that it really is not easy to take risks. A number of these risks involve losses that we have to live with. Not everybody comes out a winner.  Then there is the whole thing about capability - some people are just not capable of doing anything different. And lastly we get used to a way of life and we become good at it. And one day we realize - I don't know anything else! I don't know what else to do in life.

Let me start with losses involved in taking risks. I can take a risk with the blessing of everyone, but still, I may end up losing something in life. The loss can be taken as a positive or negative depending on the kind of day I am having. The loss can be of moving to a new location, thus not be able to live close to family and friends (I have been there); the loss can be that of moving to a different country and thus losing touch with family and friends and culture (I have been there!). The loss can be of telling your nice boss - I need more, I have to take this opportunity and move on to a better job (I have been there!). The re-locations can be due to family needs, education or job opportunities. But there is still a loss. If it all works out - then this change can be taken positively. There is no doubt that one grows so much by leaving one's comfort zone. If it does not work out - then also one should have the courage to either change that status to something else or move back. No one can ever predict the outcome of a decision.

Then there is the loss of family/friends if a decision was made that was not blessed by all. This loss is harder, its more emotional. Sometimes we have to make changes in our life so we can get up in the morning and look ourselves in the mirror and say, "I did it - I changed my status quo. Whether that change is good or bad - time will tell, but I made the change that was best for me."  These decisions are tough, we may feel lonely at times, but it turns out it needed to be done. The decision to not support a child/sibling/friend for their drug habit, especially after you have tried so much, is a tough one. Your heart breaks but sometimes a drastic step has to be taken. Leaving an abusive relationship - so hard! To get the courage to stand up and say "No more!" is a hard one. Adopting a child - sometimes a decision that seems so positive can also cause a rift in the family. Or on the other hand - getting an abortion - such a big decision. But we need to make these hard choices so our needs are met so we can progress in life - move on to better things, happier days.

If someone is limited intellectually to make changes then they cannot be blamed. Their exposure, their experience is so limited in life that they don't know all their options. And sometimes, even if they know their options, they are really afraid to do anything.  These souls live and die in their status quo. Some may be happy in it, but the sad ones also cannot change. Such is their life.

The last point I want to make here is that sometimes even if we want to change our status quo, we are not able to. Its not about money, its not about risk, its also not that we are afraid of change - its just that we don't know what else to do in life. We got educated to become doctors - well...we are treating patients. What else? We started teaching - we teach...what else to do? Our training drives our careers and sometimes, especially in the science and technology field it is really hard to shift gears mid-life or later. Soft fields like humanities have a better chance of getting molded. So we get stuck.

And absolutely the last thing.......if one wants change then the best thing to do is to really go deep within oneself and follow ones dreams. What did I want to be when I was growing up? Or even when I was in college? Living in USA has shown me that its never too late to do anything. People follow their dreams even in old age. People get married in their 80s....! Amazing! Now that is progress!

Needs and Progress - 1

If we all stayed with the status quo there would be no progress in this world.

So many times, we say "just let it be" or "let it drag until it can" or "its always been done this way" and in hindi, "chalta hai" or "chalno do jaisa chal raha hai"....well, all these statements are of the people who are afraid of change; people who cannot see beyond their little world.

Why do we let the status quo stay? The biggest reason is - we are afraid.

• Afraid of what exists if that status is changed.
• Afraid of being the one who causes the change - because there is no doubt that a person who brings about change will stand out and be noticed. 
• Afraid whether our decision is right or not. 
• Afraid that we might have to stand alone.

So really the biggest deterrent of action is .... we are afraid of change.

People will stay in bad relationships, bad jobs, bad homes, cities where there is no opportunity to do anything...all because they are afraid of change. Why are people so afraid of change? (There are several books out there regarding this topic - most popular that I know of is "Who Moved my Cheese?")

• They lack self confidence - If one does not have self confidence, comfort in one's own ability and intelligence then it will be hard to take that risky step. One should have the confidence in themselves to push oneself through hard times, or different times.
• Lack of family support - we have always been taught "family is everything" "blood is thicker than water" etc...Sure. That is all good, but where are they when you need support? Sometimes they are the ones pulling you down.  Depending on your own nature, they might be tired of supporting you all the time, because you are a loser or troublemaker. But other than that, family also likes to have their own traditions and way of life. It is hard for them to look beyond those to help a family member who may want to try something different. They are also afraid of having a black sheep in the family, even though that black sheep is really just trying to live his dreams or just doing the right thing or just trying to make life a little happy themselves.
• Lack of financial support - we need money to do certain things. If the financial backing is not there, then things don't get done.
• Burden of responsibility - in some cases we are so burdened with responsibility that we just have to keep going on the usual path - there is no time to take that risky step to be creative or be happy.

And then there are always going to be people who don't mind the status quo. They are comfortable in it. "My friends did it, so I will also be okay doing it"; "This is how its always done"; "Why should I try something new". Or they will convince themselves that there is nothing better out there.

I will take marriage as an example since I had a poor one myself and have seen all kinds of relationships among my friends. Ask a man why he married his wife and he will say, "Everyone has to get married, so I got married too," (that is what my ex husband proudly said!!) Or he will say, "She can take care of me and my house....," meaning a housewife. It is certainly possible that he is genuinely satisfied with those qualities and he got married because everyone does. The most common reason for this is because he has not seen it any other way. His mother was that way, his female relatives are all that way, his friends wives are also all housewives...so yea sure - that is how it is and it is okay. And for most part it is okay......until.....they meet someone who has it different.  His friend married for love, his wife is involved with all aspects of his life - personal and professional, both take care of the house and both can talk about issues that are important in their lives etc. And suddenly he may realize - "This is better. I could have had it too. I did not realize this was possible." And then the unrest begins; the relationship starts going bad; people start lying to each other, the husband starts looking outside to fulfill his needs.....and the poor wife may or may not be clueless about what is going on. On the other hand, he may still be happy with what he has - a housewife - because that is all he wanted in life. His does not need more than that.

The same happens for jobs status. We get stuck in a rut of a job because we are too afraid to make the move for a better opportunity. We think, "At least I am getting some money", "At least I have some status here", who knows what it will be if I move? The "at least" gets us down. It brings a sense of comfort to us....
I am commuting 2 hours to work - at least I am getting some money.
I am living at home with my parents - at least I have a home to live in.

This "at least" breeds the status quo. Once we convince ourselves that this is the best there can be - then we get into the rut of life. Then there is no progress.

So coming back to needs and progress: Our Needs Drive Our Progress. If we satisfy ourselves with the minimum needs and don't ask for more, then there is no progress in our life, in the society, in the world.  We will continue to be mediocre in life.  Great things happen only come when people take risks in their lives.

In order to see progress in our lives, we have to increase our need level, we have to ask "What more is there?" - once you start needing more from life, you will start asking questions, you may start seeing opportunities that will get you where you want to go. I do want to mention that your need level should be within your values and morals. No one person's needs should cause someone else to suffer. My needs should bring about a positive change not just for me, but for everyone.

One last thing to say about needs is the need for Romance. Yes Romance. Where does this fit in? When I am in love I feel I can achieve anything. It gives me the power, the drive, the confidence, the motivation, the support and most importantly the pure happiness that is needed for life to go on.  I will need more so I would be more willing to change when I am in love. Falling in love is a risky behavior in itself - we make ourselves more vulnerable to emotions...but that is another blog.  In love may mean different things to different people; it may not just mean love between two adults - it could also be the love of a child, the love of a sibling or parents. Of course there is no doubt that the love between two consenting adults is the major factor here.  It is driving force for a lot of creativity.....so many artists, authors and creators have been so because of some love they lost or found.

So....don't accept the status quo. Find the romance in your life that gives you the need to become better for yourself, become better for your family and eventually for the community. That will also increase your happiness index.