Why do I come to DSVV?

This is my third visit to DSVV (Dev Sanskriti Vishv Vidyalay).  Everyone asks me why I go to DSVV? Very honestly I don’t have a good answer except that I find some comfort here.  The first time I came to volunteer here, I had no idea what I was going to do in the university; so my mind was open to anything and everything (see my blog here).  Luckily I was given 3-4 projects to work on. And I also read a lot on Pt. Sharma ji's literature. The second time I had an ulterior motive and because of which I did not really enjoy my stay that much (shows to go that one should not have expectations).  But this much I know that every time I have come to DSVV I found peace and quiet in a safe and spiritual environment.

Any place has good and bad aspects. As a single female going from USA I can see several good aspects in DSVV.

First and foremost I find it very peaceful here. The campus is quiet, there is no noise or disturbance. I also feel at peace when there is peacefulness outside. Water and electricity are always available. And I have a comfortable room. This is all mental peacefulness.

(Mahakal Temple)

The atmosphere is spiritual. In the middle of the campus is the Mahaakaal temple (Shiva temple). I have found a lot of peace in that temple. It is the best place on campus for me. I love sitting there and breathing in the ambience. There is such calmness in the air there. Although in the months of June and July that I have been there, it is really hot and I have sweat trickling down my back, but I still sit there and keep looking at the Mahaakaal, as if at any moment Shiv will listen to my prayers and appear.  6:00 pm is Naad Yog time, such nice meditation melody plays that for 15 mins you forget everything else.

I also learn a lot from reading Pandit Shriram Sharma’s books. Although my Hindi is poor and there are not that many English books there but I still try to read as much as possible while I am there. The books are so educational and informative about religion, culture and how to live your life. Reading these has changed my views and ways of thinking – I have become a more peaceful person. (Read my blog here on Pragyopnishad)

I can be in India and still maintain a level of independence. I am by nature a very independent person. I have always gone alone to the campus, and I like the freedom to be able to do anything anytime (not that there is much to do!) – although I will say that many times I have made good friends during my stay at the guest house and I have enjoyed activities with them also.

Another good thing is that I can involve myself in any therapeutic activity I want – yagya, yoga, naturopathy, Ayurveda etc. I always take advantage of these and try to learn something new.  Because of DSVV I have developed healthier eating habits. Good environment brings about the influence of good habits.

The campus is really very pretty. There are flowers everywhere – all kinds, and so fragrant. I miss that fragrance when I go back home. Especially during the night when the queen of the night blooms – it’s something else! There is a lot of greenery of trees. There is a mango orchard – obviously my favorite place to buy mangoes. There is the herb garden, where fresh herbs are used to make medicine and oils. Very nice area. The buildings are not bad at all – the architecture and color is very soothing to the eyes. And above all the campus, being residential, is all enclosed and gated, so very safe.

And finally: cooking and cleaning! That is one thing I do not miss at all. When I am in DSVV, I stay at the guest house. There the “bhaiyas” bring the breakfast, lunch and dinner from the cafeteria. I don’t have to think about what to cook, how much to cook or cleaning up.  All I have to do is show up and eat. I am not a picky eater, so eating moong daal every day is not a problem for me. I do get bored of it, but it’s not a problem because maybe this way I will lose some weight (hehehe).  Tea/coffee machine is available there. I can get that anytime I want. So generally the mind is free of performing all these mundane tasks of cooking and cleaning. Same goes for washing clothes. I can either use the machine or I can give my clothes to the dhobhi. Ah……nice break from home duties.

So finally you ask – but Sapna, “What do you do there?” Well…..I work on the projects given to me by the Pro-Vice Chancellor (Dr. Chinmay Pandya). He has been generous in giving me nice projects which I have enjoyed working on (making brochures, proofreading documents, collecting data etc.). I have made some friends of faculty here, with whom I can sit and chit chat on a variety of topics and attend some Science and Spirituality classes (with the permission of the professor); I will always get some Naturopathy treatment – which generally involves some massage (aahh – bliss). And then there is the reading – going to the library to read Pandit Sharmaji’s literature. I just wish I knew more Hindi. And yes, I have taken my computer so I can work on my own teaching material while I am on campus.

All in all a winning situation for me!!

Where Does my Strength Come From? Part 2 - A Theory

Everyone draws their strength from somewhere - family, friends, spiritual leader etc.....So what makes me strong? Where do I get my strength from so I can keep my inner Energizer bunny going?

Now that my background is out there (Read This Blog First), I can look back and think of all the places that my life could have gone in the wrong direction but it did not. There are many factors that make us who we are. Some will chalk everything to "destiny". Which may be true, but then it takes away our power of analysis and self-reflection. We will not attempt to do anything, which may also be destiny, but as a human being we should feel we have some control and we should have the ability to do self analysis.

My Home Life - My Parents (years 0-16)
My first credit of strength goes to my parents. We learn our values from home. The main things are written below - I will write details later for each phase of my life (coming later). All of these have brought a center of gravity for me - put me on a path with good foundation.

• Togetherness - We were always together as a family; we traveled together, played cards together, went on walks together, studied together, always ate together. We were a close knit foursome. 
• Communication - We talked a lot as a family. All the time at home, at walks, during playing cards or watching a movie - we would be talking - making comments. For a long time we had no TV - so talking was the thing to do in our home. My parents would communicate about so many things - friends, incidences, family structure etc. 
• Written Communication - Since we were out of India our only way to communicate with relatives there was letters. So I learned how to write letters from my parents. Even now, I write letters or make sure I maintain my connections. Letter writing is a lost art these days.
• Helping Others - My father is of a very helping nature. He would help anyone, anytime and in any circumstance. I realize now that many people don't have this characteristic. And that help, for most part, did not go unappreciated. I have thus learned that if anyone is in a position to help then one should, otherwise what is the point of earning money or having "things". 
• Good Habits - My parents never talked about drugs or alcohol, but their off handed remarks were enough for me. I never even wanted to try any drugs etc. Even now I have no inclination towards any form of neurotransmitters (except caffeine - tea is a must!)
• Social Life - We had a very active social life in the 12 years we were in Nigeria. The friendships were strong and we all depended on each other. I have carried on that tradition of making good friends. Luckily, for most part, I have been a good judge of character and have not been cheated too much. And where ever I have moved I have maintained my relationships.
• Cultural Awareness - We are Hindus but we are not conservative. I grew up with an open mind and heart. Our friend circle included people of various countries, backgrounds, religions etc. I learned to mingle with everyone. Even now my friend circle is as diverse as a botanical garden.

From My School Years (until High School) (11-16 yrs)
These were some of the hardest years of my younger years. But here are the positives. I also learned some things that made me cautious and the depth of certain relationships.

• Competitiveness - since I was the youngest one in all my classes all the time, I had to work harder to get good grades. And I had a brother in the same class, so there was that sibling rivalry. This characteristic always drives me to do better in whatever I do.
• Daring nature - I don't know how, but I have always been strangely fearless. I don't care what people will think about me. It may have started at Vanasthali where I was the foreigner - the girl from Nigeria. I had to be able to do what I wanted to do, otherwise it would not get done.  And thus began my independent streak.....
• Its Okay to be Alone - that was one lesson I learned in Vanasthali.  I did not, could not make friends, no matter how hard I tried - the Indian girls were just different. So I learned to be alone at 11 years of age. And I still work on this at this stage of my life.

College Years (India) (years 16-20)
Technically from this point onward I consider myself an independent adult. I used to come home for vacations but I felt sometimes like I was a guest in my own home.

• Compromise - Living with relatives for four years taught me a lot of compromise. I really grew up fast in Meerut (B.Sc.). Hazing in college really teaches you to be humble. 
• Not Taking Things Seriously - At that time the only way I could teach myself to get through some of hard days was that, "don't worry, its going to be over in a few months!" And that is because I was a guest for most part where ever I was - at home or in the hostel or wherever. This is good and bad. The good is that I can bear anything for a while. The bad is that I have never had to live with anyone in a long term commitment.
• Trust and Friendship - I knew true friendships for the first time during my M.Sc. years. My girlfriends there were amazing. I had genuine, down to earth friends and we were all loyal to each other. 
• The Power of Connection - Both my admissions, B.Sc. and M.Sc. were through connections of my uncles. I realized the value of connection and knowing people during those years - here in USA we call it networking. 
• Hard Work - After enjoying too much in B.Sc. I realized that I had to do better in M.Sc. So I studied my behind off. And it did pay off.  

Addis Ababa, Ethiopia (year 20)
The best advice I got was from my boss in the AAU chemistry department. He told me this as I was leaving for USA to do my PhD. He said, "Sapna, you don't owe anyone any explanation for your decisions." And boy he was right!

USA Years
Ph.D. taught me even more about hard work, having good friendships, value of social circle. When I started doing my post doc work I realized that chemistry was not an easy field to get into for women. During Ph.D. I was valued as an "Indian" student, although I did not feel Indian (I also faced discrimination because of my ethnicity). During post doc I felt the discrimination of being a female in the male dominated field of chemistry.

So Really.....
I still don't know where I get my strength or if I am even strong.  All my past experiences have contributed to my being able to stand up for myself, make my own decisions and be independent. My biggest comfort comes from the fact that I don't really have to explain myself to anyone. You can accept my decision or not - its up to you because I am going to do what I have made up my mind to do. I can give my reasoning if anyone is interested - and really most people are not.

There have been some heart breaks and major negative events on the way; I had to force myself to not get depressed. I have to keep going - mostly because I have only myself to depend on. If I give up on myself then I might as well give up on life - so better shake off the bad feelings and keep moving. If I stop, then life stops for me. I think being away from home since 16 years of age has given me some ability to protect myself by being stubborn and decisive. I feel I am the one who knows myself the best so I am the only person to make decisions for myself, and I am the only person responsible for myself.

Living alone has made me do things that I would never do when I was with friends: simple things like watching a movie alone or touring places by myself, driving in the loneliest of the highways in the pre-cell phone era (and keep praying that you don't have an accident). I realized that if I don't do these things that it was going to be my own loss.  Among the hardest things I have done, is pack up my home 5 times and move to a brand new city with no idea of what I was getting into (that part of strength I get from my parents who did the same thing!!).

And...Discrimination
This will be a whole separate blog, but I still want to mention that I have felt all sorts of discrimination: as a female, as a short person, as an Indian, as a foreigner (even in my own country - India) and so on. It made me realize that people are not very accepting in general. But since I have always been a fish out of the water, I have learned to swallow bitter pills and not let them pull me down. I don't know if that made me stronger; but it definitely made me more aware and I learned to live with it.

Last Word....
Couple other pieces of advice I got when I came to USA; and I found both to be very useful for me. I follow them at much as possible.

• If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything.
• If you do something, give it your best otherwise don't do it.

Where Does my Strength Come From? Part 1 - My background

Am I strong? How do I make myself do the best I can everyday, living alone for so long? What is in me that gives me inner strength? Life has had its challenges and I have been dealing with a lot of them on my own.  I have achieved some things I wanted to, but some are still eluding me. As I am nearing my mid-life I have been thinking about this a lot.I don't have good answers - but I have given it some thought. 

First of all - why did I think about this at all? My background is quite different from a number of my peers and the more I think about it, the more I wonder how did I manage it all? I feel comfortable in my life right now - my job, house, health, social life etc. I have been living alone for about 20 years and have had to take care of a number of things myself. Where does the strength for all this come from? I may have an idea...but I have to go through ALL my life on this earth so far.

The Early Years:

My mother's love showing in this picture

My first 8 yrs in Dehra Dun (where I was born), were okay for me. There are a few things I remember I disliked: one was that being the youngest of all my immediate cousins, I was teased a lot; I never felt like I fit with my classmates - don't know if it was because I was the youngest? My parents move to Nigeria (with my brother and I) when I was 8 years old. My father had just changed his career to begin a new one as a professor at University of Ibadan. 

After two years in Nigeria, when I was 11 years of age, my parents sent me to Vanasthali Vidyapeeth, Jaipur, India, for one year. I was in the 8th grade at that time. Living in the hostel was definitely not easy. It was one mishap after another. But most of all - it was lonely.

After one year, my parents decided to bring me back to Nigeria for four years to finish O and A level (10th and 12th). Not easy at all!! My brother and I were in the same class (and section!!)  It was hard work and since I was always the youngest in the class - I had to work twice as hard to understand what everyone got easily. I finished 12th grade when I was 16. 

The College Years:
I was sent back to India to do my B.Sc. in Chemistry. I am very thankful to my father that he persisted on me studying Chemistry. I was back in the hostel after four years of living at home. I was also under the guardianship of my maternal uncle (mama) who I had met only once before.  So I had to adjust living in someone's else's guardianship other than my parents. I was only 16, and I did my best! And I am grateful to my uncle for making sure I got admitted in RG Girls College. I would not change that college experience for anything!  

After two years my father made sure I did my M.Sc. in chemistry and the only place I got admission was JV Jain College in Saharanpur (thanks to another uncle).  This was an adjustment of mammoth proportion - although I did not realize it at that time. First, I was living at home in my aunt's (bua's - my father's sister) in-law's house (not in the hostel), and second the family was a joint family. My first and only experience of such a home. Oh I have stories!! Again, in retrospect this was the best time of my education yet.

Oh well....now back to Nigeria after 4 years; here Papa advised me to take some classes to pass time until we packed up and moved to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. So I took two classes- sewing and typing. Both were very useful - typing more than sewing :-). 

All these four years I was flying back and forth to India from Nigeria on my own. Now that I think about it, I lived out of two suitcases for those four years. That in itself was interesting as I had such few belongings :-) Parents would pickup and drop me off in Lagos and relatives in Delhi.

Then time to pack and move to Addis. Oh what an adventure! I will write details in another blog but needless to say it was another experience of my life. Again, on Papa's advice, I volunteered in the lab of a wonderful professor and mentor (and thank God - an organic chemist!!) in the chemistry department, University of Addis Ababa. (Educationally speaking, Papa has been my mentor and director, and it has paid off - at least from my perspective.) I also gave my GRE exams and prepared for PhD in chemistry in the USA.

One year later, I was in University of Toledo admitted and starting my PhD. I was very different than the other Indian girls as they all came from India (I considered myself part African). I also had a cushy landing as my brother was already in the university so I never had to go through what other foreign students had to go through of settling in a new place.

My brother and I in Chicago

PhD time was most eventful and memorable time of my life. I would not change a thing!! I had the best boss, best lab mates and a great room mate (my brother!). I also finished my PhD in a good time of four years. 

I would say that my education was smooth from my point of view. Whether it was my uncles or father or brother - they all helped make my education a smooth process.  All I had to do was study hard.  Well...and I did have a lot of fun on the way; I enjoyed every aspect of my higher education. By age 24 I was ready for post doctoral work.

Post Doctoral Life:
With a little networking I got my first post doc position at Roswell Park Cancer Institute, Buffalo, a premier place for PDT scientists in the world - as it was the birth place of PDT. This was also my first time living on my own in my apartment, managing my money, driving around in the city on my own etc....had some micro hiccups.

After working there for one year, I felt my first major hiccup. I was jobless for the first time in my life, at a place in time where I was supposed to have secured a job and be independent. I was 25 years old. I had a very hard 4 months. I literally hit the pavement in Buffalo, as they say, to find a job. I was wondering what would happen to me if I no job? What about my status in the USA? Where would I live? The uncertainty was too much. I had to move to Detroit to live with my brother and parents and go back on a F-1 visa. Not pleasant. 

Luckily while I was working at Roswell, I had managed to secure an interview with another leading chemist in PDT, at the University of British Columbia, Vancouver, Canada. The interview happened in November in Ottawa, Canada (that interview was another experience I would rather not have again - ever!). I was offered a post doctoral position at UBC and I was happy to go to Vancouver, Canada the next year. One of my uncle's sister lived in Vancouver and they became my family there. It was such a blessing. 

My "Real" Working Life:
Just after 9 months in Vancouver, I was offered my first teaching job at Park University - how I got the interview is also another story! I interviewed in Seattle and nailed it! (When the provost gives you a hug after the interview you know you have the job!) I did not even know where Park University was on the map of USA. One month later, I moved to Parkville (near Kansas City) in January - middle of the snow season.

I have to mention that I had never been to Buffalo, Vancouver or Parkville before. I went to these places mostly by myself, found a place to live until I got a more permanent place. It was a little better in Parkville since the college had faculty housing, but I had not seen the work place!! What a surprise that was! A pleasant one. This will be a huge other blog.  Many key events happened while I was in Parkville: my H-1 visa, my marriage, my divorce, my green card and my citizenship. All very important events of my life.

My next move came after 11 years to Shenandoah University, Winchester, Virginia. I interviewed there, saw the place; but kismet would have it such that it was the worst two years of my life. I would never want to relive those again. I met some nice people and had some good experiences but as an academic - worst place ever.

My desperate search for job brought me to West Palm Beach, Florida, where I currently am. Here again were some adventures and mishaps very early on (mostly in the residential part of my life) - but all things happen for a good reason - right? As a result of those I quit renting and ended up buying my first home here which is now my little piece of heaven.

Then in 2011, I realized I was getting bored over the summer (and I did not want to teach) so I decided to go to India on my own (previously I had always gone with Papa because I never really felt safe traveling in India by myself). Went twice in two years and it was good experience. My blog for those years is already written.

In the meantime, I learned a lot about managing a house on my home, renovating, painting, finding a handy man etc etc. 

Its worthwhile to mention that while I was working in Kansas City, I went to University of Hawaii, Hilo, to teach organic chemistry during their summer semester (sadly, just one time). Lately I have a nice relationship with Capital University, in Columbus, where I have been teaching over summer, when I am not in India. So yet again I live like a gypsy!!

While at Park and Shenandoah, I was very active in attending conferences and workshops.  I got the chance to see so much of America through my professional development. I have driven in so many states and taken so many road trips.  I know for sure that I could do only because I was living in this wonderful - most comfortable country - USA!

So back to my original point - what makes me strong? Now that my background is all out there; I think I can assess what has helped me get here.

Next Blog

Work Management

This was sent to me a while back. It is about being productive and happy in a work environment.  I have edited it a bit to incorporate my own ideas.

1. Be a team player:  Being a good team player is attained at the point of realization that the company and the team come before you. Outperforming in a team project lifts your morale, which obviously increases your chances of being promoted. Personal attitude matters a lot here. Not everyone in the team can be your good friends, never a possibility. What counts is your professional maturity of not voicing your difference against another while at work.
2. Be a good observer:  There is no excuse if you miss to observe what is happening around you and how things are done in your organization. Observation means involvement too, rather an indirect participation. Here you should try to find out what are the values of the company and how are they enacted? What is the process of decision making? What is the risk tolerance level? You will get an accurate idea about the culture of your organization by finding out the answers for the above questions and thus you can design your style of work in your organization.
3. Be a good communicator:  Communication doesn't only mean that you talk and develop a good rapport with everyone around you. Rather, it's how you let everyone know what you have achieved in a con vincible manner. But at the same time, a fallacy of exaggerating your success or taking undeserved credit for your role in teamwork will land you to neck-deep office politics. A good communicator creates friends and a makes even enemies talk good about him - he is the master of diplomacy.
4. Respect all:  Respecting your subordinates is as important as your superiors. While you shower your boss with countless salaams and behave with people working under you or co-workers in an autocratic manner with the wrong notion of positional hierarchy, you can never expect respect from anyone. In the heavily complex professional and personal relationship web in an organization, you never know to whom someone might be connected.
5. Manage your own behavior:  You got to be calm and cool at times of tensions. Refrain from gossiping, questionable judgments and spreading rumors. Grow beyond interpersonal conflicts. You should never compromise on your integrity. Professionalism and work ethics should be the basis of your actions. Above all, you should be extremely careful when revealing things to others - never blindly rely on confidentiality.

Fear

I think we should live with a clear conscience.  The only way to live with a clear conscience is to live without fear.  Fear is part of our daily lives. What are we afraid of?

We are afraid that we should not say anything that we are not supposed to; that we will hurt someone; that this person will never speak to us again; what will people say; what if I get caught doing whatever action?  What if, what if.....

One or the other fear is always hanging over our head. This fear makes us impotent and prevents us from making, what in our hearts we know, to be the right decision. Most times we have no fear in making the wrong decision for what we convince ourselves to be “for the good of all”. We tend to compromise for convenience, to maintain a peaceful environment and in some cases the lack of our own decisiveness.  But to make one right decision (that is true to our heart) we will think so much and eventually talk ourselves out of it. Our "shouldn’t" and "couldn’t" take over. 

(Edited) One other aspect of fear is the "fear of unknown" (as mentioned in the comment below). If we cannot predict what is going to happen then we are afraid of going there. We have the need to be in control. We like to be in our "safe zone" where we know what is going to happen.  I have seen people who spend their entire life in the same one house - they grow up there, go to college, work and retire in the same city. They never venture outside - some may not need to, but some are paralyzed by the fear of what may be out there. People who can let go of some this control are "risk takers". They are sometimes the most successful people in their life. One has to be able to let go of their fears to achieve something; otherwise one may not know what one is capable of. 

I wish we would keep our hearts and head clear for doing the right thing.  I know you might think – but what is the right thing to do? In your heart you know what the right things is.  If you make the right decision and make the right choices you will never have to worry about anyone or anything. Because you know what did came straight from your heart. Once you are convinced of your decision then its not hard to convince anyone else (and sometimes there is no need to!).

Eventually there is only one person you have to live with – yourself.  If you cannot even do that, then what is this life about?  There should not be any hidden motive for doing anything.  We should do all our work with a clear mind and conscience then only will we be happy.  It is very easy to find out if you are living with a clear conscience – you will be healthy: physically, mentally and emotionally.  Poor physical health is easy to detect: insomnia, digestion problems, high stress, depression and general melancholy.  (Our bodies detects distress sooner than our brain can.)

When we are mentally healthy then the world is a more manageable place to be! We tend to make good decisions, we are more comfortable in our skin and life becomes less like a battle and more enjoyable.  These in my opinion are clear markers of healthy mind and body.

Remember the Sholay dialog of Gabbar Singh, 

"Jo dar gaya samjho mar gaya!" 

So live your life - fearlessly!!

Character

Character of a person makes him who he is. (I will use "he" just for convenience - otherwise we know there can be a "she" also).

Character is a sum of experiences, wisdom from those experiences, personal values, maturity and I also believe it is somewhat destined. We can see good character in children - where does that come from? One sibling can differ so much from another: they have the same upbringing and same parents and environment, yet they can behave so differently. How? I don't know. Which is why I believe that character is destined.

In my thinking, character of a person is seen in their honesty, loyalty, respect, high moral values, ethics and humility. Humility because one should not let get all the other characteristics get into their head and turn into pride and ego. One should have good character just because it is a good thing - not to prove anything to anyone. Sometimes people call people with good character "self-righteous". I think that feeling comes because they can see the good in others which they know they themselves do not or cannot possess.

For most part, people live their lives without giving much importance on how the other person behaves because it really does not affect them too much in a day to day basis. However, the closer the relationship, the more important the character of a person becomes.  We tend to make friends with people who share our values in life. So if the character of a person is not matching with ours, we will not only not be friends but we will not trust them either.

Most of us can survive with whatever degree of negative character we have. (The more the negative value the harder the life!) The character of a person shows its true colors under extreme circumstances. If one can come out of that time/situation with gravitas then we can say - Okay! this person has shown some character!

Some good souls may not have a need for their character to be tested, because they have such high ethics and morals that they will never fail. Those really are higher beings.

I feel these days most people use character as a commodity; they use it as convenient to them. They use it where they see a value for it and not where they don't. They may show good character to their boss but then go out the mistreat their subordinate. They may show they have high values and moral to their family yet not show respect to strangers or sometimes even friends. Or in some cases, they may say they have high values, yet when the time comes to actually show it, they behave contrarily.

People with such bipolar behaviour can lose the center of their gravity - the core of their being. They can lose perspective of who they were, who they are and what they are becoming. They may lose track of how they are behaving and with whom. And if they keep continuing on that path then all their different roads will start crossing each other eventually the "real" person will start to emerge - the one who uses character as convenient to them. And using character as a commodity is not good character to begin with - that's called having "loose character". All that they were trying to accomplish will be lost in one second.  All the good will get washed out with one single bad action - trust will be broken. And trust is a like a glass vase, you can join it if it breaks but the cracks will always remain.

I believe in living with a set of values whereby

• I can sleep peacefully at night
• I know that I have not hurt anyone with my actions or words (at least not consciously)
• I have not asked anyone to do anything for me that I myself would not do. I cannot place anyone else's ethics on the line - otherwise I will lose my morality by asking someone else to lose theirs. 
• I know that I did my best in whatever I was doing and 
• that I will keep doing my best.

I don't want to live a life that is lie. It does not serve any purpose. It is better to remove oneself from the situation rather than face a lifetime of living a lie. If an action is not making someone happy, or making you happy then maybe that action is not worth taking. Not that every action has to make someone happy and not that every lie is a bad one - that action and that lie that ruins relationships are not worth it!!

In life we come across situations where we may not want to do something but we are being compelled to do it - for the good of a larger cause or the good of a person. We have use our judgement in those cases and decide what is more important to us - our values, our good name or making the other person happy even though it is not the right thing to do. We have to feel satisfied and ultimately live with our decision.

I want to live a life where I have nothing to hide, I have nothing to be ashamed of, I have no regrets and I am at peace with myself. I want to live with the feeling that I did the right thing - under the circumstances. A thief may think that stealing is fine and it is righteous according to him, but deep down somewhere he knows what he did was wrong. What I am saying is I should be able to live with my decisions. 

I may have referred to this bhajan before also - but really - its my favorite one! It conveys the message that your "self" is the mirror of your character - you know what you are doing is just or not.

Habit

I don't have to define what a habit is. We all know it is something we develop over time. There are the good habits and bad ones. And of course we also know that "old habits die hard".

People become attached to their habits and treasure them as if their habits are their identities.  Without their habits they are nothing.  When in reality those habits might be preventing them from having good relationships, achieve their goals in life or just having a good life.

We all know habits are formed by repetitive tasks. Like taking a shower in the morning or brushing teeth before going to bed. We start cultivating these habits because we think they help with our routine and are good in the long run. We get uncomfortable or feel incomplete when we are unable to do these repetitive tasks. We seem to think that we can't live without them, but in reality we will be just fine.

We have similar feelings for bad habits. We think we are being really unique by being a curmudgeon and grumpy person.  If we are not grumpy then for some reason we are not ourselves.

Just like habits we also become accustomed to the people in our lives. They also become our "habits" in life. We grow up with our parents and siblings so we know their habits, some of which we emulate and for some we do a 180, because we hated that particular habit. Slowly we develop our own personality and habits in life.

Then comes marriage - we are expected to live with a stranger who comes with their own habits and personality. But as time passes we get used to them also. We develop habits to accommodate theirs, and some may miss even those habits which they find irritating, when the person is away.  We become like that frog who is heated slowly in water and does not realize that he is being killed slowly by the rising temperatures.

Some habits are imposed by the society. These make you socially acceptable. To live in the society you have to follow certain rules; if you don't, you become a social pariah. This wonderful society is such that it will do everything to keep you submissive and under control.  It will do nothing to uplift you and make you free and independent. Only we ourselves can convince ourselves to do anything, be it good or bad.  We can live in a bad situation and tell ourselves that being in that situation is the right thing to do. We are afraid to change our habit, our norm and/or break free of culture. This is what the society wants or my family wants so this is what I will do. Everyone does it, so I will also do it.  We convince ourselves of this so much that that we then develop a habit to live in that situation.  However, if that habit is imposed on us (and its not our choice) then that situation will eat us from inside, we will deteriorate in health, happiness and quality of life.

In reality, habits can be changed, situations can be changed. And sometimes we change them without even knowing we have. We change our habits because we want to keep that job or because we want to stay married or keep our friendships and relationships. Sadly sometimes people equate changing ones habits with compromise. Why should it be considered a compromise if one is leading a happier and more satisfied life? So long no one is being taken advantage of, I think changing one's habits (compromise) is a good way to live life.

I believe that we are given life to improve ourselves, live a happy life and try to make everyone around us happy too. If we can't make people around us happy, then at least don't make them miserable. As we go about living our life, we should try to develop habits which

• free us - not limit us
• make us have a better personality - not make us unbearable
• improve us in health and wealth - not deteriorate us
• make us feel happy - not sad or angry
• improve our relationships - not isolate us

I just hope that I don't get stuck on any habit that I cannot change for all the reasons above.

So I would urge anyone who reads this to not get stuck on that habit, or person or societal norm that makes you unhappy. Have the confidence and self determination to change, learn to be happy and have a good life. Our failures are remembered only if we become successful from them, otherwise our failure is only ours to bear.